When You Hear The Truth – You Know It

I was sent the link to a site today and was so impressed with their description of a narcissist I put the link in the sidebar of my blog, but here it is again; Anonymous Conservative.

It is the only other site I have read that told the same kinds of stories as what I experienced and thought I had to be crazy to suspect my ex of doing things he did, because, “Who would do that kind of shit?!” The infidelity, watching copious amounts of porn, the pathological lying, gas lighting, ….. they are all pretty common and the other forms of abuse, the financially destroying someone, verbal insults and cut downs, the mental abuse and the physical abuse often is horrendous. But there is another level to them that I think some victims miss just because they don’t believe what they are seeing and dismiss it as coincidence, or paranoia.

misc pic from camera 036

I loved this truck for the same reason James hated it – it symbolized my independence, and his lack of control over me. It was a thorn in his side.

I was remembering how I started to suspect my ex was not as honest as he pretended after I had the 3rd car stolen in the first 3 years I was with my ex. I had never had a car stolen, never even knew anyone who had a car stolen and then boom, I am with him and 3 in 3 years? In between my vehicles being stolen they would break down and never run again. He was a brilliant mechanic, could fix anything except MY vehicles. For some reason mine only ran when he was driving them. The last two thirds of the relationship I never knew when I got in my vehicle if it would get me where I wanted to go, something was ALWAYS wrong with my car. I had never had such bad luck with vehicles, ever. My God I had cars for years and never did anything more than basic maintenance and now I was with a mechanic and I never had a running vehicle. It has to make a person go Hmmmm?

I had really gotten suspicious about my vehicles breaking down, it was pretty hard to deny when every single time I had some place I really wanted to go, my vehicle would either not start at all or break down 1/2 way there. My son’s wedding, I had done all the flowers for the wedding, been up most of the night so they would be fresh and I was rushing to get to the church to decorate and I ran out the door and there were tools beside my truck and my heart sunk. I made it almost to the church, in down town Vancouver, and it started to sputter and cough, bunny hopping through the intersection. I stopped, popped the hood and left it right in the middle of the road. I ran the 6 blocks to the church and my son was out on the sidewalk looking so handsome and nervous. I came running up like a made woman, I had my dress over my arm (I wore jeans in case the truck broke down) , my hair was flying wildly and I must have been a site because the look on my son’s face was akin to terror.

Two of the best men were able to decipher my out of wind, panicked, explanation of where my truck, and consequently the flowers; was and went to go get it. They managed to get it limped to the church and I got the decorations up.

That was hard enough to believe he would purposely do something in hopes of making me miss my son’s wedding, but 8 years later I witnessed him purposely make his sister miss her daughters wedding so I have no doubts any more of what he is capable of. That will teach her to take my side when he pulled his shit in front of her.

But the stealing of vehicles, I mean that is breaking the law. hahaha talk about naive and well, just plain stupid; we had his truck insured in my name because he had so many tickets and accidents that his rates were through the roof. He had a 43% surcharge on his insurance and I had a 43% discount. You do the math. So anyway, I of my own doing signed a blank transfer and tax form in case something ever happened to me, he could easily sign the truck back over to his name, I also did it as a gesture of good faith so that he didn’t have to worry I would ever take his truck if we split or something.

When he came to me and said he had lost it and could I sign another one, I did and when I went out to get the VIN number to put on the form he said, “Oh just sign it, I’ll fill it all in for you.” I didn’t think twice about it. When he lost it two more times I started to get annoyed, he was so careless. When I ran into a friend who said he was on the way to the bank to get money out because he was buying a truck off of my ex for $1000 I was thrilled because i was still so in love with my ex I loved any chance I got to discuss him. I asked what truck he was buying, the blue Ford or the brown Ford and he said neither, he was buying the cute little Chevy pickup. I said he doesn’t have a Chevy pickup for sale. He argued with me and I said, “No he only has two truck and they are both Fords.”

He said he had seen those but this one was parked in the back and was yellow.

Me:”Yellow?!, that’s MY truck, it isn’t for sale.”

Friend: “He did up the transfer and tax form and everything.”

ding ding ding****** bells and whistles going off. Needless to say the friend did not buy the truck. I was furious and told my ex exactly what i thought of his little plan, he was NOT selling my truck. So instead of selling it he made it so it never ran right again.

Years later, we are split, I have my Ford F550, I am sick on the couch with a horrible head ache because my neck is out, he calls to see if he can have a shower and do some laundry at my place. I tell him I am in horrible pain, I don’t want to have to get off the couch so he can come and do laundry but don’t knock, just walk in. Well, he arrives and knocks on the door. (he used to always knock as if to give the impression he would never think of entering my house without knocking but I knew damn well he had been in my house without me there, it was stupid). Anyway, I get up and go to the door and there he is with a bouquet of roses, a mickey of Rye and Extra Strength Tylenol,  heating rub and a heating pad. He is so grateful I am letting him do laundry, and is so sympathetic and I am in so much pain. I am totally shocked he is being so nice and loving.

He tells me to take 5 Tylenol, have a drink of Rye and then go lay down with the heating pad and he will come and rub my neck. I didn’t take 5 tylenol because I don’t need much I never take anything for pain so two will do me but i took 3 and he forced the Rye on me so I had a sip to appease him, put the roses in a vase, asked him to please not eat any of my son’s favorite cookies, he could eat anything else, just not those cookies. I had been Christmas baking so there was a ton of stuff around but my son had these favorite cookies that were a pain in the ass to make and I was shipping him some with his gifts.

I laid down, he rubbed my neck and I passed out. I woke up with a start hours later and go out to the kitchen and couldn’t believe my eyes, almost all my son’s cookies were gone and none of the other baking was touched, and piled up all over the kitchen was my stuff. All my accounting and Bus Management books, all my expensive letter paper, envelopes, dishes, my good pots, all my office supplies, well pretty well anything of value, plus part off my computer, which had been running up until he stripped it for parts. i was furious and went outside to give him shit for eating the cookies and he has the hood of my truck up. Right away my stomach is turning. I look inside the truck and he has emptied my glove box and the contents are strewn throughout the cab. I asked him what he was looking for in my glove box and he said he was cleaning my truck. (Narcspeak, I was cleaning out your truck of anything valuable). Then he says, “Hey where is your registration for the truck?”

Me: “Why do you ask?”

Him:”You know its illegal to drive without a reggie in the truck?”

Me:” I know, I always have it with me when I drive.”

Him: “Where is it?”

Me:”Safe”

Him: “You should keep it in the glove box so you always have it.”

Me: “Do you really think I am that stupid after having 3 vehicles stolen?”

Him:”I am only concerned you might get a ticket.”

Me:”Thanks but I have it covered. Besides why were you looking for my reggie.”

Him: “I needed to know what year it was built because I was going to fix (I forget what now) for you as a surprise.”

Me:”Why would you need a reggie for that, you know it is a 1999.”

Him: “they had two production dates in 1999.”

Me:”Yep they did and all vehicles have a sticker in the driver’s door that give you all the info on the vehicle.” (Every single mechanic knows that)

I no sooner walk in the house and I hear my truck start. I go running back out as he is backing down the driveway and I lost it, I screamed for him to bring my fucking truck back NOW!!

He looks all surprised and like I am some psycho for suspecting him of anything and tells me he was just going to go and buy the parts he needed. I told him to take his own fucking truck. My heart was racing and I was pissed. I demanded he pull my truck back into the driveway, took the keys from him and went back in the house. On the way I yelled over my shoulder that if he thought he was taking all the shit he had piled up he was sadly mistaken and I turned around and said: “And, just so you know, if anything happens to me, my dog or my truck, you will be the first person they come looking for, you have been warned.”

he never said a word. Not for years. and then the last year we were together he said, “And you accused me of stealing your vehicles” Like it was a sin to accuse him and he was so innocent. I replied, “Yep I did, and I also told you that if anything happens to my dog, my truck or me you will be the first and only person on the list of suspects,”

I don’t think he would have stolen it that day. i think he was on his way to get a key cut. He was supposed to be heading to Africa and he would get someone else to steal it and split the money with them. I bet he still had a signed transfer and tax form but even if he didn’t I had already found pieces of paper where he had been practicing my signature. That was in 2006. He never did get my truck but he made damn sure it never ran right, it took him until 2010, that is how vindictive and vengeful they are. Because I would not let him just take my truck he had to destroy it at any cost to him. He was so intent on getting my truck he ended up spending thousands in the attempt. But he made up for it with M, he recouped his losses with her and got another truck an F450 haha.

Sick son of a bitch! So don’t doubt your gut, if you are having a string of bad luck, start to feel sick all the time, seem to be accident prone, your stuff starts mysteriously breaking or disappearing; look no further than the person in your bed.

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5 thoughts on “When You Hear The Truth – You Know It

  1. Stronger01

    Carrie,
    All I can say is WOW! People wonder why these people are so hard to get past and forget but who can wrap their mind around someone capable of the things described in your post? Someone perpetrating or attempting to perpetrate such things sticks in your mind. We are taught to be weary of strangers and those with unscrupulous business practices. In relationships we protect our heart (at first) but who would think that the person “in your bed” as you say would try to rob you blind.

    My N got money out of me and it would have been more honest had he robbed me at gunpoint instead of using pity, lies and other manipulation. I knew he was on a set income, got paid once a month and had some debt so finances would be tight toward the end of the month but what I didn’t know was that he gambled and what money he had he would throw around (usually when drinking) to look like a big shot. Mistakenly I gave an inch – and as you can guess – he took a mile.

    Besides what I actually lent him (sums I’d never lent anyone, ever), I also paid for things that I didn’t realize I wasn’t going to be reimbursed for. Eventually I stopped answering my phone if I was at the store or on the way to his house because I knew if I did he would innocently ask me to pick up a few things for him and even though I would separate his things and include a receipt, he’d just ignore it. If I asked for the money he would snap that he didn’t have it. Sometimes he’d say he’d give it to me the next day and then I wouldn’t see him for a couple of days. He had me conditioned to not push the money issues with him for fear of upsetting him and having him disappear. A few times he paid me some of what he owed me and then asked for all or some of it back a day or two later. He also borrowed a piece of equipment from me – admittedly it was something I hadn’t used much. About a month or so later I asked if he was using it and he said not really but that a friend of his wanted to buy it. I said ok and set the price. A few weeks later I noticed it wasn’t at his house and I asked where it was. He had sold it. Never told me. Never gave me any money. Later on, when I didn’t care if I ever saw him again, I did push the issue and wanted everything he owed. He’s still paying. One small victory.

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  2. Carrie Reimer Post author

    Stronger, consider yourself very lucky he is paying you back. That is very surprising to me! I am actually wondering what he is up to. I forget, sorry, how long has it been since you split? how much more does he have to pay off? I can’t help but be suspicious of any N who willingly pays back money he owes, unless he has some ulterior plans.
    Not very many victims of an N ever use the phrase “One small victory.”

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    1. Stronger01

      Carrie,
      This reply was going to be much shorter but I received 6 missed calls late last night from the N – so I wanted to give you the whole story about the money.

      I agree it’s odd that he is following through on this. He pays once a month and there have been many times when I felt sure he would stop paying, especially when he was in full Narc mode and we weren’t in contact otherwise. Payment is made automatically into an account I set up just for this purpose. We’ve known each other for 2 years. He started borrowing about 6 mos in and in less than a year the amount grew to an amount I still can’t believe. He has been paying for 1 year and has 6 mos to go before it’s paid off.

      Let me back up and say that lending money to people is NOT something I do. The story he told me about himself early on in a nutshell is ex-military, living on disability (military), estranged from family, divorced, took nothing (money, other valuables) from divorce, gave custody of kids to ex. Claims family estrangement and divorce was due to his suffering from PTSD after time in service. No one could understand or handle it. He had been homeless for a while, and indulging in risky behavior (alcohol, drugs, sex), he was depressed and wanted to die. A year before we met he’d sought help through the VA, was on medication (for physical and mental issues), in therapy (for PTSD), had an apartment and a car and planned to go to school on the G.I. bill and get a degree. I was sympathetic to his whole situation and admired that he seemed to pull himself out of a really bad place and had plans for the future. I also had a background where I had to do for myself since in high school, no family contact or support, put myself through school, etc. I knew what it was like to be homeless, to have nothing.

      He was very open about his finances, that he got paid once a month, had some debt, and paid child support so money was tight. Besides his military benefits, he also always talked about a large amount of money he was to get from the gov’t. He talked about it all the time, when he was supposed to get it, what he was going to do with it, etc. It was like he just had to hold on for a few months until it came.

      We were together all the time. I didn’t mind in the beginning paying here and there when we went out. I was very comfortable with my financial situation and wanted us to be able to go out and have a good time. A couple times I’d given him money for gas or something and he had paid me back. When he asked to borrow a larger amount of money the first time he said something happened and he didn’t get his monthly pay. Not hard to believe with the gov’t. He was still expecting the “big pay day” and said he would pay me back when that came in a few months. I actually said no at first. I asked if he could go to his parents or anyone else. He said there was no one. I told him that I had never lent money to anyone ever before and that I was very weary about it. He said he knew and that I could trust him and that he wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t a desperate situation.

      Sorry that was long but I felt I needed to lay the foundation. Fast forward about 6 mos – that first loan was like turning on a faucet. My paying for things became almost expected and it seemed every month there was another desperate situation. The last was making good on a bad check he wrote for a down payment on a new vehicle – that was the last straw!

      You have to realize that I would say no to these requests and he would hound me until I agreed to any sum, hanging out the date of the “big pay day” like a carrot. He would even write me checks to be cashed on a certain date as a show of good faith and then of course would ask me not to cash them because he was going to give me cash instead but that rarely happened or it was not for the amount he promised. Also, the original date of the “big pay day” came and went and then kept moving from month to month. During all this is when I started noticing other unfavorable behaviors (all the Narc traits) and finally realized it wasn’t due to his PTSD – the mask was off. We were only seeing each other a few times a month (instead of every day). Of course then I didn’t want to just dump him and lose any chance of being paid back. I felt I had to hang in and play nice until the “big pay day.” So even when I wouldn’t hear from him for a week or so, when he did call, I would answer. One of those times he showed up in the new vehicle that I ended up paying the down payment on because he wrote a bad check.

      One night he was drunk and said that his “big pay day” had come in and that he was going to pay me everything he owed me the next day. Of course the next day and for the next 2 weeks he was no where to be found. I thought wow, I am the dumbest person on the planet right now. He finally showed up and I demanded payment. He then confessed that he had a gambling problem and had been going to casinos trying to “make money.” He also confessed he had no idea when or if his big pay day would come. That’s when we established the payment plan and I went NC. During the past year, he has continued to contact me and has even had the nerve to ask to borrow more money. I have of course refused over and over and told myself that if he stopped paying I wouldn’t care, I wouldn’t hound him for it or anything. It would be better to just have him gone. I would call it an expensive lesson. Fortunately, I haven’t had to do that.

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  3. Martina

    It’s crazy how similar everyone’s story is. Mine crashed two vehicles withing a one month span. One there was a “bee” in the car and the other he thinks he dropped his smoke … I say he’s full of shit. He had no license so no insurance was paid. We also had two cars “stolen”. It a life full of problems with an N. I’m trying so hard to get out … it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to face but coming has been a great help. Right now he lives in our dinning room on an inflatable matress … his choice. He doesn’t seem to care that his two little girls are suffering through this. They tell me, “Mommy if you just say sorry everything will be OK” but they don’t understand that I have done nothing to be sorry for … other than stand my ground. Sorry … I’m rambling.

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