A Little Update

I haven’t been posting much lately, I have been in a bit of a slump to be honest. I guess it’s the Christmas blues. I should be used to it and I don’t know why it is hitting me this hard this year. Well, yes I do know why.

I can’t say too much because it has to do with my son’s life and I have no right to talk about what goes on in his life.

Plus I had hoped I would see my grand daughter this Christmas but I do totally understand that it is not so easy, her and her mom live on the other side of a HUGE mountain pass that will be covered in snow from now until late spring and it is dangerous to drive it, if you don’t have to, most people won’t. I did last year and it was the drive from hell and that was in February, so I certainly don’t expect them to make the drive. I let myself get carried away planning how great it would be to have them here and see her open her gifts etc.

My son has decided to move there to be closer to his daughter, again, totally understandable, but that means I am alone again this Christmas. I have done it so many times and i always get through, after all it is just another day. I used to love Christmas and still decorate the whole house but I just don’t have that festive spirit. It’s not that I miss the wospos, at least I know there is no one purposely planning on destroying my Christmas, it is circumstances  not a plot against me that I am going to be alone. There was not one Christmas with the wospos that was pleasurable, I always decorated but there was never any gifts, no company, no big dinner, no snuggling by the fire and basking in the glow of our love. (gag)

I had planned on decorating his boat all Christmasy, I get Christmas lights in scrap from one of my pick ups and sometimes they work. I have been putting the working ones aside and had enough to do a really excellent job decorating his boat so when they got there it would be this beautiful glow of Christmas cheer. I was going to put a little phoney Christmas tree in it and I had already cleaned it and hauled all the dirty bedding out and washed it, all the towels etc, so everything was going to be fresh and clean (my son let some guys use it just before he left and they left it a disaster). My girlfriend gave me a beautiful goose down duvet and I washed it and I bought a new cover for it on sale. I also got a really good deal on some nice crisp white sheets. (I have been picking things up for months in preparation for this) I found some toss cushions that were like new at the thrift store. Where Kaela sleeps on the boat is kinda yucky, so I had some light green chiffon material I was going to make a canopy like thing, I have some paint and other dodads I was going to use to make her a little princess castle with a little ladder to get up to it. I had been picking crayons and colouring books etc for a little toy corner for her. Now he is not keeping the boat so there is no point in doing all that to it.

I was really  excited about doing it because I thought it would be such a new surprise for them to come back to the boat and it has been transformed, it wasn’t costing me much; it was all my labour and imagination. Now that I can’t do that I have nothing to give him. His birthday is Dec 20, and I thought the boat would be his birthday present,  I can’t even give him the sheets because they are for a double bed and he doesn’t have a double.

Then you all know about the rat, I haven’t seen another one but I am paranoid now and Stella drives me insane because she is paranoid also. The other day she was going nuts by the back door and the closet beside the door, sniffing around and barking, running to me for protection. I thought for sure there must be another rat but I finally figured out it was my mukluk that has a fur trim that was freaking her out. haha silly girl

THEN we have had so much rain, the lake flooded and was right up to my back door, and then a cold snap hit and the lake froze making a skating rink out of my road and my pipes froze. I went 3 days without water but finally got them thawed the other day. I put a work light under the house near the pipes and they thawed but I can’t leave it on because then if I plug anything in, in the house it blows the breaker. So it is a juggling act of only one heater going in the house but if I cook I have to turn the electric fireplace off because it will blow the breaker. I know there is something wrong with my wiring for it to blow like that but the owner won’t have it looked at and I can’t afford to have an electrician come.

I broke a tooth a couple of days ago and I have to get it fixed, it is right in front and I hate the dentist. I just hope they can fix it and don’t have to pull it.

And the bills keep piling up. I was all caught up a couple of months ago but I have on outstanding hydro bill of over $100, the phone company is threatening to cut me off again, I have a speeding ticket from a couple of years ago that I had until Dec 1 to pay and I haven’t so I don’t know what happens if I get pulled over, I hope I don’t get arrested. Shessh

I usually make some extra money by painting things and selling them but this year I was working on my funding package because I felt that was more important but now I don’t have stuff to sell.

The woman who I handed my funding package to just laughed when she saw it, she said she has never had anyone hand in a more organized and complete package. She kept laughing as she flipped through it, shaking her head and saying, “You did my job for me.” I guess I am a bit anal, but I want it to get accepted so badly and didn’t want any reason for them to turn me down or postpone approving it. I just pray it goes through, I can’t think of any reason why it wouldn’t but we are dealing with the government here. It doesn’t pay me a lot more living expenses but it gives me an education and almost doubles what they allot me to live on which would be a livable amount.

Anyway, I have been busy trying to thaw pipes, kill rats and just been a bit depressed to be honest. Tired of struggling, missing my son and granddaughter, uncertain about my future, trying to think positive.

I’ll survive, it is just the way life is sometimes.

If by chance anyone can help me get through to January I would really appreciate it. I hate to ask, I really hate to ask but with any luck it will be the last time I have to ask and I will start my new year in school.

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8 Replies to “A Little Update”

  1. Hi Carrie, If it’s any consolation I will also be alone at Christmas and New Year. If the weather’s good I’ll go a walk. I’ll put decorations and cards up but I will almost certainly be the only one to see them! Good luck with the dentist. I have to go on the 16th for a checkup but she already told me a year ago I’ll soon need a filling. Hate dentists too. x

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  2. Hi when I am that down the only thing that works is to think about someone who is worse off then I go to volunteer at a homeless site or woman’s shelter!

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  3. Hi Carrie, I tried to comment to you and ellie on the empathy post but lost it all…:( thank you both for your imput and it made sense when you was mentioning the nice things your ex did too as we always focus on the bad that the PUT ON good goes unnoticed and then you get confused as it doesn’t seem to fit…after all…he is so kind and loving and helps everyone…and even has a long list of good deeds right in his bag to pull out and show you. Dave as a list of people who will sing his praises but sadly it wont help him in the long run as surely truth needs to count as something….I will be fighting him all the way in court and I will never back down until they make me…or until he shows he went for help and something is set in place to protect Jacob.
    Talking of Jacob….I will quickly fill you both in 🙂 he wont stop growing…he is huge…big hands and feet but beautiful long eye lashes…he is so handsome. He was 4 months old yesterday and he is in 9-12 mths clothing. He is thriving and happy…but he as a small side I do see in him of dave but I am open to things and I believe loving environments can make a small difference to these people and I have to cling to that hope.
    Back to this….Christmas used to be so special. I understand fully as atleast I have my children and that counts for everything….but as they open there pressies and disappear to play on them I am cooking dinner and I feel so lonely…Christmas always bothered me..especially as am a sucker for love films and the Christmas ones well..there is always an happy ending lol. Last Christmas I was sat in an adoption clinic on xmas eve and it torn me up, I couldn’t go through with it…Christmas day I purposely did email counselling to help others as it give me something and took away my thoughts on me. It really made a difference. My 40th birthday was 3 days later and my family had surprised me with a meal but I couldn’t tell them anything that had gone on or that I was pregnant…looking back it was the worst Christmas ever….but like you said carrie…I have no one to spoil this years, crying over me not mashing the potatoes right or leaving me to it for the feastive season while they enjoyed it online dating or partying with family/friends…. I wished I lived closer to you as I would have made you dinner and we could have had a laugh and a cuddle and my little one would have kept you more than busy. 🙂
    If you want me anytime over Christmas I am offering to be there for you as you have given me so much to heal with and I would help you whenever I can….that I promise yourself.
    Christmas should be a time spent with loved ones and this year I totally get it that the 8th Christmas I am alone (meaning no fella) is going to be the best yet…as I want no one and I will take the time for me and Jacob when the others go and play. My son joins the army on the 16th feb and this is the last Christmas for us all to be together and I have spoilt them rotten…without them knowing yet. …

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    1. Oh Fee, you bring tears to my eyes, you are so sweet! I will be fine at Christmas, my step brother is cooking the turkey and in a bit of a panic about it so i have volunteered to take care of the veg and dessert so my day will fly by. I will miss my boy and I did have dreams of seeing my grandbaby open her gifts but there will be other Christmases and there is nothing that can be done about it. The last time i had Christmas with kris was 2008 and I have been alone some Christmas’s right through the holidays and made it. I would have been just fine had my son not moved close by and leave again. I started to get excited about him being close by for the holidays so now I have to adjust my way of thinking again is all. I just hope he gets to spend Christmas morning watching her open her gifts, it is such a special time when they are wee and it is gone so fast. Christmas is all about the little ones.
      you are sounding so much stronger again, that makes me sigh with relief! you know we are here for you as support what ever you have to deal with. little jacob in size 9-12 months!! wow what a little chubbier haha I bet he is a little cherub face, long lashes, beautiful eyes like his momma no doubt. What a horrible Christmas you had last year, this has to be better and I pray next year will hold much peace and serenity, health and happiness for you and your children. your son is off to join the army? that must be hard for you, but we have to let go sometime, it is always hard though, every time my son leaves I hate the goodbyes and want to throw myself around his waist or grab his ankles and not let him leave. But at 30 almost 31 I know I have to let go.
      I wish we lived closer also I would love to spend the day playing with little jacob, watching the children open gifts and having a glass of wine and having a good old gab session. Ellie could come too!
      i hope you have a wonderful Christmas day with your brood around you, you are a wonderful momma and very special woman who deserves every happiness in life.
      I feel blessed to have met you and be able to call you friend.
      love to you and jacob
      Carrie

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