I haven’t been posting much lately, I have been in a bit of a slump to be honest. I guess it’s the Christmas blues. I should be used to it and I don’t know why it is hitting me this hard this year. Well, yes I do know why.
I can’t say too much because it has to do with my son’s life and I have no right to talk about what goes on in his life.
Plus I had hoped I would see my grand daughter this Christmas but I do totally understand that it is not so easy, her and her mom live on the other side of a HUGE mountain pass that will be covered in snow from now until late spring and it is dangerous to drive it, if you don’t have to, most people won’t. I did last year and it was the drive from hell and that was in February, so I certainly don’t expect them to make the drive. I let myself get carried away planning how great it would be to have them here and see her open her gifts etc.
My son has decided to move there to be closer to his daughter, again, totally understandable, but that means I am alone again this Christmas. I have done it so many times and i always get through, after all it is just another day. I used to love Christmas and still decorate the whole house but I just don’t have that festive spirit. It’s not that I miss the wospos, at least I know there is no one purposely planning on destroying my Christmas, it is circumstances not a plot against me that I am going to be alone. There was not one Christmas with the wospos that was pleasurable, I always decorated but there was never any gifts, no company, no big dinner, no snuggling by the fire and basking in the glow of our love. (gag)
I had planned on decorating his boat all Christmasy, I get Christmas lights in scrap from one of my pick ups and sometimes they work. I have been putting the working ones aside and had enough to do a really excellent job decorating his boat so when they got there it would be this beautiful glow of Christmas cheer. I was going to put a little phoney Christmas tree in it and I had already cleaned it and hauled all the dirty bedding out and washed it, all the towels etc, so everything was going to be fresh and clean (my son let some guys use it just before he left and they left it a disaster). My girlfriend gave me a beautiful goose down duvet and I washed it and I bought a new cover for it on sale. I also got a really good deal on some nice crisp white sheets. (I have been picking things up for months in preparation for this) I found some toss cushions that were like new at the thrift store. Where Kaela sleeps on the boat is kinda yucky, so I had some light green chiffon material I was going to make a canopy like thing, I have some paint and other dodads I was going to use to make her a little princess castle with a little ladder to get up to it. I had been picking crayons and colouring books etc for a little toy corner for her. Now he is not keeping the boat so there is no point in doing all that to it.
I was really excited about doing it because I thought it would be such a new surprise for them to come back to the boat and it has been transformed, it wasn’t costing me much; it was all my labour and imagination. Now that I can’t do that I have nothing to give him. His birthday is Dec 20, and I thought the boat would be his birthday present, I can’t even give him the sheets because they are for a double bed and he doesn’t have a double.
Then you all know about the rat, I haven’t seen another one but I am paranoid now and Stella drives me insane because she is paranoid also. The other day she was going nuts by the back door and the closet beside the door, sniffing around and barking, running to me for protection. I thought for sure there must be another rat but I finally figured out it was my mukluk that has a fur trim that was freaking her out. haha silly girl
THEN we have had so much rain, the lake flooded and was right up to my back door, and then a cold snap hit and the lake froze making a skating rink out of my road and my pipes froze. I went 3 days without water but finally got them thawed the other day. I put a work light under the house near the pipes and they thawed but I can’t leave it on because then if I plug anything in, in the house it blows the breaker. So it is a juggling act of only one heater going in the house but if I cook I have to turn the electric fireplace off because it will blow the breaker. I know there is something wrong with my wiring for it to blow like that but the owner won’t have it looked at and I can’t afford to have an electrician come.
I broke a tooth a couple of days ago and I have to get it fixed, it is right in front and I hate the dentist. I just hope they can fix it and don’t have to pull it.
And the bills keep piling up. I was all caught up a couple of months ago but I have on outstanding hydro bill of over $100, the phone company is threatening to cut me off again, I have a speeding ticket from a couple of years ago that I had until Dec 1 to pay and I haven’t so I don’t know what happens if I get pulled over, I hope I don’t get arrested. Shessh
I usually make some extra money by painting things and selling them but this year I was working on my funding package because I felt that was more important but now I don’t have stuff to sell.
The woman who I handed my funding package to just laughed when she saw it, she said she has never had anyone hand in a more organized and complete package. She kept laughing as she flipped through it, shaking her head and saying, “You did my job for me.” I guess I am a bit anal, but I want it to get accepted so badly and didn’t want any reason for them to turn me down or postpone approving it. I just pray it goes through, I can’t think of any reason why it wouldn’t but we are dealing with the government here. It doesn’t pay me a lot more living expenses but it gives me an education and almost doubles what they allot me to live on which would be a livable amount.
Anyway, I have been busy trying to thaw pipes, kill rats and just been a bit depressed to be honest. Tired of struggling, missing my son and granddaughter, uncertain about my future, trying to think positive.
I’ll survive, it is just the way life is sometimes.
If by chance anyone can help me get through to January I would really appreciate it. I hate to ask, I really hate to ask but with any luck it will be the last time I have to ask and I will start my new year in school.