Four Year Anniversary Since I Left The Narcissist

Oh my God, four years………. and what a 4 years they were. I have learned so much, grown so much and come so far. I never ever thought I would be able to say “I don’t love him”, I never thought I would go a day without crying over him, but I never cry because of him any more, I don’t remember the last time I cried about him. I was going to write him a letter in this post, but you know what? I don’t even have anything to say to him. All the things I thought I had to say to him – gone, all that closure I thought I needed – gone, All the anger I wanted to spew on him – gone.

I am still struggling to get back on my feet because of him and I don’t forgive him, I have talked about forgiveness before and I really don’t think he deserves it and I am quite fine not giving it. Even Sam Vaknin says sometimes the hurt is so bad forgiveness isn’t possible. But I don’t hate  him either, frankly I simply don’t give a damn any more. He is a joke and I am ashamed to admit I was ever in love with such a loser.

And that is all I have to say about that. haha that reminded me of one of his lines when he didn’t have a lie ready, “Well, I don’t know what to say about that.”

Another one he used to say, “You can’t polish a turd.” (but you can put glitter on it) “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sows ear.” “I am not going to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.” ” The truth always comes out.” “It’s not what you think.” They all fit him perfectly.

I remember one of the first times I stayed over at his place he was playing his guitar and I was thinking he was so damned sexy and I was so damned lucky, things were so easy between us. Then he started playing a song, I don’t know who sings it and I haven’t heard it since we split but there was one line in the song.

“Nothing good ever comes from loving me.” I had wondered at the time if he was trying to tell me something.

I had a dream too, sometime in those first few months, he was with another woman and laughing at me as I cried and begged him not to leave me. He and this woman were laughing and hugs and kissing and I woke up with a start in tears. He was on the computer. I went to him and told him about my dream.  He was really cold.  Little did I know it was a  premonition of what was to come.

Sometimes I wonder what I would say to him if I ran into him or he showed up or called. He would undoubtedly have some bullshit story and I like to think I would say something along the lines of;

try to give a fuck

Advertisements

29 thoughts on “Four Year Anniversary Since I Left The Narcissist

  1. Hello….please consider these simple thoughts and expand on it. It is very helpful.

    Friends

    At birth everyone we encounter is our friend. This lasts a few months. We start to apply some scrutiny to the condition of friendship early in life. In pre school if there are 60 kids we have about 55 friends. We selfishly and intuitively cherry pick moments with individuals and groups as we enjoy, learn and begin to feel the correct and appropriate response to all things. By age 7 we start to be more selective about allocation of time to people and groups. This happens because of emerging self awareness and empathy for others.

    In year 6 we have about 40 kids in that group who would linger in some level of friendship and mutual co operative encounters through the year. At 18 , in university this number falls to around 30. Some are close intimate, some are sexual and exciting, some are co operative and helpful, a few are loved we may feel.

    By age 38 we have about 6 close friends with strong understanding and mutual interaction. One or two of these are possibly at work or in the place we spend our most productive time. There is most likely a spouse, an intimate better half, with one or two children by now, in a home with a dog and cat, also significant.

    This decline in significance and importance of people in life continues as the decades pass. We are often pretentious about the significance of others for traditional reasons and in special cultural moments. But essentially, by age 60 there are very few people, other than family in the average life.

    So it follows that the effect of the crowd and the culture of the environment is controlling and dominant early. But as the habits and behaviours are adopted the need for the crowd declines. By age 60, most have adopted the culture and in some cases it can be extreme. The isolated “red neck” two doors up the road keeps to himself.

    This evolution of the soul can be seriously impacted in life by many things. Culture and religion for example are as significant as family and food to a developing child. When a normal and natural exposure to these influences is corrupted or weighted inappropriately in a few ways, personality outcomes are significant. A young child emotionally and sexually hijacked by an adult is a victim of horrific proportions. So too the heart that is lured into uniform and forced to commit acts against their true instinct is hugely damaging to the personality.

    Children hijacked by religion at an early age and forced to accept fantasy or burn in hell, are forever shaped by the experience. Soldiers come home forever impacted by experiences not meant to be in a human life at this time in our evolution.

    So it is when a person becomes attached to a corrupted soul and isolated from normal influences, development and growth is distorted. Life is a constant stressful experience. To be with a person who has missed the learning and growth of self awareness is to stall and become a prisoner in a frozen moment. Some victims conclude that death would be better.

    The key to the understanding of emotional evolution of a human soul is that every moment is cherry picked in a hunger for self awareness. If this process is compromised in life at any time, it is due to abuse or deprivation of some nature.

    In today’s complex world, this is happening in many ways. We should not focus on the abuse and deprivation in recovery. We should provide for this natural hunger for self awareness.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks Ellie,

    I don’t WANT to be thinking of him, i understand it’s a complete waste of my energy, getting used to being on my own is ‘weird’ You are so right about the chaos they live in, my ex N is also a hoarder, forever losing things and that’s one of the tools i use to cope ‘no longer looking after him like another child’ my life is so much easier. It’s the realisation that i put 4 years into a relationship and him end it the way he did and not care in the slightest, i read about it, have no contact, do therapy for the trauma and try to reach out to friends to keep busy, during the last 8 weeks i have made some quite major changes in my life, i have had to go overseas to visit a dying relative rather than go to a funeral, i have a teenager who is playing up and I feel totally alone, he was always the one who supported me in similar times however now i realise all he was doing was keeping me weak so he could keep control of me, somehow i am managing to keep it together, though at times i just want to fall apart and cry, but i won’t allow myself in case i can’t stop crying or get it together again.

    So much of the time the pain is unbearable,

    Liked by 1 person

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s