Oh my God, four years………. and what a 4 years they were. I have learned so much, grown so much and come so far. I never ever thought I would be able to say “I don’t love him”, I never thought I would go a day without crying over him, but I never cry because of him any more, I don’t remember the last time I cried about him. I was going to write him a letter in this post, but you know what? I don’t even have anything to say to him. All the things I thought I had to say to him – gone, all that closure I thought I needed – gone, All the anger I wanted to spew on him – gone.
I am still struggling to get back on my feet because of him and I don’t forgive him, I have talked about forgiveness before and I really don’t think he deserves it and I am quite fine not giving it. Even Sam Vaknin says sometimes the hurt is so bad forgiveness isn’t possible. But I don’t hate him either, frankly I simply don’t give a damn any more. He is a joke and I am ashamed to admit I was ever in love with such a loser.
And that is all I have to say about that. haha that reminded me of one of his lines when he didn’t have a lie ready, “Well, I don’t know what to say about that.”
Another one he used to say, “You can’t polish a turd.” (but you can put glitter on it) “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sows ear.” “I am not going to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.” ” The truth always comes out.” “It’s not what you think.” They all fit him perfectly.
I remember one of the first times I stayed over at his place he was playing his guitar and I was thinking he was so damned sexy and I was so damned lucky, things were so easy between us. Then he started playing a song, I don’t know who sings it and I haven’t heard it since we split but there was one line in the song.
“Nothing good ever comes from loving me.” I had wondered at the time if he was trying to tell me something.
I had a dream too, sometime in those first few months, he was with another woman and laughing at me as I cried and begged him not to leave me. He and this woman were laughing and hugs and kissing and I woke up with a start in tears. He was on the computer. I went to him and told him about my dream. He was really cold. Little did I know it was a premonition of what was to come.
Sometimes I wonder what I would say to him if I ran into him or he showed up or called. He would undoubtedly have some bullshit story and I like to think I would say something along the lines of;