Number One Search Term – How Do I Make A Narcissist Love Me

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you fly with seagulls.

It’s hard to soar like an eagle when you fly with a seagull.

I did a search to see the number one search term people used that brought them to my blog, after ladywithatruck; which doesn’t really count, the top search was, “How do I make a narcissist love me”.

Wow! How do I answer that? the short answer is, “You can’t.” because they quite simply don’t know how to love.

I want to ask of this/these people;

1. How do you know he is a narcissist? If you know he is a narcissist then you must have read up on them and if you have read up on them you must know that they cannot ever truly love anyone, not even themselves. I am assuming the person searching for answers has been love bombed by a narcissist and then systematically devalued and discarded and they want to go back to those wonderful heady days when they first met the narcissist. I am sure if you know he is a narcissist you have been on many websites researching so I also assume you haven’t been able to find one site dedicated to getting a narcissist back.

Anyone who has researched narcissists knows there are sites telling you how to leave a narcissist, how to go no contact from a narcissist, how to co-parent with a narcissist, the horror of being with a narcissist, but out of the hundreds of thousands of sites on the internet you have not found one site that will tell you how to keep one or get one to love you.

The only way to get a narcissist to act like he loves you is to dump him, but that kinda defeats the whole purpose doesn’t it? But it’s fact, it’s a “between a rock and a hard place” situation that makes a relationship with a narcissist impossible. NOT improbable, IMPOSSIBLE! as in:

im·pos·si·ble

imˈpäsəb(ə)l/

adjective

  1. not able to occur, exist, or be done.

    “a seemingly impossible task”

I tried it, so I know what I am talking about, I am not guessing, I am basing my opinion on my experience and 4 years of research. You can manipulate a narcissist to kinda “behave” for a while but it isn’t sustainable, for one thing you are manipulating him so it isn’t a true relationship. I mean in order to get a narcissist to take an interest in you and act like he loves you, you must reject him totally. They hate rejection and it will more than likely cause them to start on a campaign to win you back. The catch here is, the minute you go back to him the abuse starts again. So to keep him semi interested you have to maintain the distance and disinterest in him long-term, which is all but impossible because with any relationship, in order for the relationship to survive there has to be growth and closeness. What is the point of loving someone you can never show love to? and who is never there for you and you can never be there for him because you have to be guarded at all times and never show you care. You may be able to do it with someone who was ambivalent about a relationship with you but a narcissist is actively working at destroying you and constantly doing things to cause you pain and suffering. No matter how hard you try to not care he will make you care somehow, he won’t give up until he does, it doesn’t have to be love, he just wants you to care, you can be angry, hurt, sad, horrified, terrified, it makes no nevermind to him, it is all caring.

The longer you play the game of appearing to not care the harder he will try to win you back and make you believe he really does love you so eventually one of two things will happen.

1. You will start to believe he loves you, crave the closeness he is offering and you will show your true self and be loving, take him back and stock-vector-bam-73381684 you are right back in the relationship and vulnerable again; he takes full advantage of your vulnerability, pats himself on the back for his brilliance and the abuse starts all over again.

2. He will get sick of your disinterest and move on. You being distant gives him the perfect excuse to be looking elsewhere, after all he was cheating when you were in a “committed” relationship so now he is a free agent to do as he pleases and he will make sure you know all about the other women he is seeing. A narcissist MUST have someone worshipping him at all times, he hates to be alone, he must have someone waiting at home and several on the hook. He wants someone to bleed for him and if it isn’t you he will be actively looking for your replacement but continue to keep you on the hook until he finds her.

So, you see? it is impossible, no matter which way you look at it, it is not possible to make a narcissist love you.

Some of us get stuck in the “if only’s”; If only he would stop lying, If only he would see how much I do for him, If only he would come to bed at night, If only he would get a job, If only he would stop cheating.

I would be happy if he just came home at night, or I would be happy if he would just stop cheating.

happiness

 

We end up in a relationship that lasts years, even decades sustained on wishful thinking, empty promises and faded memories of a love that never was.

And what makes us so terribly unhappy is the not only the abuse but the fact that we are not living true to ourselves, we know we don’t deserve to be abused, we know we shouldn’t be accepting the behaviour we are from the N yet do and that causes a lot of inner turmoil and unhappiness. Often times the narcissist is also living on the edge of the law which goes against our belief system, or they are into drugs, weird sex, all sorts of things that are not true to our morals and beliefs yet we compromise our values in order to keep the relationship and that causes us a lot of anxiety. That is what is called cognitive dissonance, and why we lie to ourselves, because we have to make sense of the bizarre world we live in if we are going to stay so we minimize the abuse, assign different meaning to the actions of the N, because to stay with him we must do things that are against our grain and we become miserable and even more dependent on him because if we aren’t living true to ourselves we rely on him even more for approval and acceptance because we don’t approve of how we live and we fear no one else will either.

We find ourselves acting in ways we hate, we become suspicious, jealous, negative, angry, hurt and resentful. We lash out and say things we regret, we may even do something in revenge and feel guilty afterwards. Perhaps we even become physically abusive, or we start to hide money, we check his phone and his internet activity, and try to catch him doing something wrong, or if you are like me, I was trying to prove my suspicions were wrong. I didn’t want to find anything but I always did.

Our moods are governed by how he treats us, if he has a moment of kindness or generosity we are buoyed, hopeful and so damn grateful but normally we walk on egg shells, trying to anticipate his needs and appease him and when we have time we spend it trying to figure out what he is up to, what he meant by that, if he is lying, who he is screwing and searching on the net for answers for why he is the way he is and how to make him love us.

Is it any wonder the victim becomes a shell of the person they used to be? How can you remain YOU when all you think about is HIM. All your energy is being put into him and you are getting nothing back, of course you are depleted and feel empty. People need love, kindness and compassion; they can live without a partner because there are always friends and family to give you that kindness and compassion but if you isolate yourself and your only source of love and kindness is an abusive asshole; you shrivel up and die inside. No matter how filled with goodness and love a person is, if you are constantly ridiculed, and are never enough, if you continually give all you have to give and are still told you are not good enough you will become someone you don’t know, needy, insecure, shut off, fearful, paranoid, and then he leaves you because you are too needy, too paranoid, irrational, too sensitive, angry, etc.

So what is the answer? The answer is STOP. Just stop. Stop the spying, the researching, the obsessing about what he is doing and feeling and concentrate on what you are feeling and doing. You don’t have to leave him if you don’t want to, just stop catering to his every whim and start doing things that make you happy; believe me the rest will take care of itself.

There are few things more unattractive to the opposite sex than someone who is needy and clingy, but as much as a narcissist complains that you are too needy and clingy he does everything within his power to make you that way, and as I said before it is inevitable when you are in a relationship with a narcissist.

A healthy man or woman does not want to be the center of someone’s universe, they do not want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness or their bad mood. A healthy person wants the person they are with to find happiness in being with them but they do not want to be their only source of happiness. To be reliant on one person for your every mood and feeling (and eventually you very existence) is a very vulnerable spot to be in, of course the N has total control over your whole world and that is why when he dumps you it is so devastating.

the past

The happiest people in the world, the people other people want to spend time with are the people who find their happiness in many areas of their life. They have interests that they enjoy with other people or by themselves, a partner enhances their life but is not their whole life. It doesn’t mean they love the person any less,  it simply means they are autonomous, they don’t exist through someone else.

It is why women suffer with “empty nest syndrome”, they were someone’s mother for so long their don’t know who they are unless they are so-and-so’s mom. I went through a really tough time after James and I split and I lost my truck, I had nothing to identify myself with. I had always been my father’s daughter, someone’s wife, and after Kris was born I was “Kris’s mom” then I was James’s wife, and even after that ended I was “the Lady Witha Truck”.

All of a sudden I was just Carrie and I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t own anything, I didn’t have a job, I was nobody’s wife, I didn’t have money, I was just me, but who was I? I had to rediscover me and figure out what I stood for, what did I want to do with the rest of my life with nothing to hold me back, we usually have someone to consider when we make life choices, how it will affect our kids, our lover, our job……….but when you have none of that and you are only responsible for your own happiness and your own choices it can be daunting. No one else to blame for your decisions, no one to sway you one way or the other, it was damned scary; especially after having someone control every aspect of your life. I am still discovering me and sorting through the parts of me I don’t like and the parts I want to keep and doing my own self-analysis. There is no one telling me what I should do or think but I disappoint myself sometimes, wish I would have handled a situation better or I look at my motives for doing something. Even with the blog I check myself on an ongoing basis to make sure I am doing it for the right reasons and not because of the expectations of others or because I feel I have no other options. If I can’t do it with passion and honesty then I don’t want to do it and to be honest if I was not getting anything out of it I wouldn’t want to do it either. I could not continue to support, listen, share, and give of myself if I didn’t get something back. I would not be doing a good job of it either because I would get resentful and it would become a chore and depressing.

Whenever we put all our energy into one thing we create an unhealthy relationship that is doomed to fail, we must have diversity in our lives and we must derive pleasure from many things; it can be friends, nature, a pet, a sport, music, yoga, meditation, reading, walking……… anything that give us an inner peace and personal enjoyment, things that feed our soul, no one else’s.

The narcissist will not be happy if you start deriving pleasure away from him and he will do everything he can to prevent it from happening, that is why he doesn’t want you to work or have friends or any interests he has not approved.  They want to control every aspect of your life. I remember with James, I enjoyed landscaping and got a job for a landscaping company, he disabled my truck so I couldn’t get to work and found me a job with a landscaper he had met. He thought I had talent as a painter but he wanted me to do pinstriping on vehicles. He wanted to control everything so he could give it and he could take it away, that is why they seem supportive at times, because they want to be able to take the support away, you can’t miss something you never had.

Once you start to find happiness on your own you become very protective of your happiness, you don’t want to go back because you know he will do something to take  it away. You will also find that the need to have a man in your life disappears, you may still want a man in your life, but only if he gives you the space to do the things you enjoy. You will find that men (healthy men) will find you more attractive because you aren’t needy or desperate, you aren’t looking for your joy in someone else, you have joy in your soul. There is nothing wrong with getting pleasure from helping others, there is nothing wrong with being a giving person as long as you don’t give more than you can afford to give and as long as you live true to yourself and what you want in life. When you see you are off course and not living true to your core beliefs and it is because you are compromising your standards to accommodate someone else it is time to  admit this person is not healthy for you and you need to stop and analyze what you want from life and in your life.

Here is a great video on how to change someone so you can be happy. Changing Others

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13 thoughts on “Number One Search Term – How Do I Make A Narcissist Love Me

  1. Stephen Bach

    Excellent post Carrie! I agree, very surprising that particular search phrase would be so dominant!

    I agree, it’s absolutely impossible to make a narcissist, or anyone else for that matter, love you. A person chooses love of their own accord. You can’t make someone love you. Period. The only option is to be yourself.

    The right person will love you for who you are, not for what you can do for them, not for how you make them feel, not for your bank account, not for your body, not for your desire to please them, but for you. Attempting to make someone love you is a recipe for enmeshment and abuse.

    You are spot on when you say true narcissists are incapable of love. They have no idea what love is or how to love anyone. Truthfully, even though their behavior is extremely self absorbed, they have no true love for themselves either. Love is respect, and a narcissist has no respect for himself or anyone else, hence no love for himself or anyone else.

    Stephen Bach

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Stephen, thank you, good to see you again! I was inspired for the post by two friends of mine. The nicest woman I have ever known and the nicest guy I know. I recently hooked them up and they are really enjoying each other’s company. I don’t usually play match maker but I just knew that they deserved each other and would appreciate each other.
      The guy was telling me how grateful he was that I introduced them and said a few days prior he had asked my friend what made her happy.
      He said that usually a woman will talk about having a man in her life but my g/f didn’t, she listed off a bunch of things that make her happy and he was so relieved to hear her excitedly talk about all the things that make her happy. He said he finds it so attractive and it takes the pressure off of him.
      I think it is so important, no matter whether the person you are with is an N or not; that a person is not looking for a partner to bring them happiness. Both my friends want to meet someone and fall in love and my g/f imparticular has made a concentrated effort to find a man but she is not desperate or needy.
      I just think she is the healthiest, sweetest,….. well like I said she is the nicest woman i know. I think the world of her. She gives me a healthy example to model.

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  2. andrea from raising peanut

    Oh Carrie, How I love thee…. 🙂

    I haven’t commented in a few weeks. Life has been crazy. I’m actually starting to feel like I can move on from the N. (I wont say “my” N because… ha ha… he’s not MINE anymore! He’s HERS! bawaaahaahahahah).

    Oh, I’m giddy because I’ve had one full week of relief from the pain of losing him. THANK GOD for this past week. You and your blog has helped more than you know.

    Carrie, you once told me that I should be careful and not meet the N alone or invite him back in to my home should (and you said he would) he come back. He hasn’t (yet?) and for that I’m glad. I had hoped he would, but I know he is still with HER.

    You also told me to be careful because I had discovered a sexual secret he had hidden. It was a big part of his life; I”m not sure if he was actively using this part of his sex life when we were together or not. However, I told him I knew about it and the very next day he set out to destroy me. We had some legal things go on, and unfortunately, the judge ruled in my favor. This, I”m sure, left him very very angry.

    Well, something happened the other day. Two weeks ago exactly (tomorrow will be two weeks). My garage was set on fire. They suspect arson. Would it, could it have been him? I can’t see why he would do such a thing. I have moved and I’m not sure he knows that or knows where I moved to. I’m also very sure he’s happy right now with his new adoring source.

    But read my latest blog post: http://www.raisingpeanut.com/2014/12/attention-all-drama-addicts-fire.html And let me know what you think. I’m the one who tends to think better of someone. I think, “Oh he would never do that!” But then again, I’ve been wrong on so many counts.

    It sickens me that someone would start a fire like that. Putting me and my son at risk.

    There was a woman who had a vendetta against the home owner. She sent a letter with a mild threat in it to the home owner. They are thinking maybe it was her. I have no clue yet.

    Love to hear what you think.

    xx oo xx oo
    Andrea

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  3. Carrie Reimer Post author

    Well, to be honest with you, it makes me nervous and I would not put it past your ex in the least. They often due things that don’t make sense and they are often times very passive aggressive; doing things covertly and deriving satisfaction just knowing they caused you harm even if you don’t know they did it.
    Most people want the victim of their revenge to know who did it but from my experience JC was just as happy knowing he caused me trouble.
    When they get angry and that is when they lose or when they are threatened to be exposed; they can seethe for a long time before they exact revenge.
    I would take it very seriously and err on the side of caution, I would not poo poo it. What did your gut tell you when they said arson? Did you immediately think of your ex? If you did then you have reason to believe he could be responsible. We do know get gut feelings for no reason. If we don’t feel a person is capable of something it would never cross our mind they had something to do with it.
    What happens is we have a gut reaction and then we talk ourselves out of it and tell ourselves we are over reacting, being paranoid etc
    I would mention your ex to the police and tell them that you have recently won a court case against him and you feel he might have something to do with it.
    If he had nothing to do with it then he has nothing to fear. If you fear that he may then be angry because you talked to the cops at least they are aware there could be a problem with him and he is aware that the police are now aware of him which will make him think twice about doing something else. Who knows for sure, but I would let the police figure it out.
    I don’t want to scare you more than what you already are but it could be the start of much worse to come and I don’t think you should wait until the house is on fire.
    As for him knowing you moved, if the town is that small and people are that involved in each other’s lives i am sure he has heard about your move.
    I would make sure I had lots of working smoke detectors and fire extinguishers on every floor and plan an escape route in case of a house fire. Does you ex have a life insurance policy in your name?
    Let me know what happens. and take good care of yourself. Scary!!
    Hugs
    Oh and I am glad I have been of some help!

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  4. malia

    I think it works again super.
    I ‘d like to thank you for all your efforts, you are such amazing person.
    I have a question: Do you think is normal after an abusive relationship break is up to “8 months” that the victim doesn’t know how to deal with others? I feel I am foolish and dont know how and what words I may use to speak paranoi may be? very different than before I miss my spontaneous way of being.. I am afraid to never be the same as before.

    Thank you for reading

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  5. lonely

    Carrie,

    This is such a great read. My ex N always asked for re-assurance in nearly everything he did and it always surprised me because he was very capable at what he was doing – usually maintenance work for other people and for free, but seemed so insecure. I always thought he just had low self esteem and was depressed – especially after all he had been through and how many people had treated him so badly (said with sarcasm) he had the whole ‘poor me’ thing going on. It always had me feeling sorry for him and telling him how great he was and if only he saw himself as i did then he wouldn’t feel so bad. He would often mutter under his breath while stomping around in a foul mood all the time i was ‘walking on egg shells’ and trying to keep the peace. after blabbing on what i mean is – someone at peace with themselves has no need for such anger rage and hatred. It is quite incredible that he can present as such a quiet reserved man, regular people wouldn’t tolerate his shit. A very good friend said to me – for someone to abuse you so badly is a reflection on himself, of how he feels about himself, I know he is incapable of loving anyone or anything for that matter. Such a sad place to be. And equally sad when you believed he loved you and then discover that all those red flags really meant more than what i thought at the time.

    I really believed he loved me, and his way of showing it was by ‘taking care of me’ when in actual fact it was control and manipulation. He took great pleasure in breaking me down to a blithering mess and then coming in to ‘save’ me (from what he had put me through) and then he would instigate sex which i didn’t want and it felt like he was getting a thrill out of what he had just done to me.

    The damage they do………

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  6. Carrie Reimer Post author

    Malia, you are very welcome! I am so glad my blog has been helpful to you.
    As for your question; A resounding yes!! it is very normal to for a victim of abuse to feel uncomfortable with other people, not know what to say, to lose their sense of humour, even lose their ability to choose what they want to order in a restaurant.
    I found it to be true for myself, I used to be a very vocal person with a quick wit. I was the queen of one liners; I could come up with some witty comeback at the drop of a hat. While with the N I lost that spontaneity, I lost my ability to be flirty and fun. It really bothered me because it had been such a huge part of me and I just did not have it after my ex and I split.
    I had a horrible time when in social situations trying to carry on light hearted conversations, I didn’t know how to make “small talk” any more. I would listen to what other people were talking about trying to figure out how they could talk about nothing. You know that light banter people do when they talk about mundane daily stuff at a party or kids school function, church?
    I feel a post coming on and I think I will do a post about this subject right now, I bet there are other people who are going through this. So look for y answer to your question today in a stand alone post. Thanks for the idea!
    Hugs
    Me

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  7. malia

    Dear Carrie,

    Thank you for thinking it is a good idea, it is really nice from you if you can make such post. Anyway I like your posts without exception.

    Take care and thank you again.

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  8. Alice

    Dear Carrie,

    Thanks for another excellent post! This is SO true!!!
    I am a reader from Germany and recently discovered your blog after breaking up with “my” narcissist after a one-year “relationship”. The last four months, I have worked very hard to understand and process what has happened, to unhook from the N, to stay no contact and to stop obsessing about the past and the “what ifs.” Thank God, I am surrounded by a great family, supportive friends and I am financially independent. And one year with a N doesn’t compare to ten!

    But that one year alone almost destroyed my belief system, my boundaries, my self-esteem…

    So I have a lot of respect for your work, for surviving and striving from ten years of narcissistic abuse. Thank you for sharing your experience!

    To all you ladies out there: you CAN leave and dump the N, be yourself again and even grow stronger from the experience. The N is nothing more than a messenger to make us look at our inner child (and childhood wounds) and take care of it, level up to our real potential. I found the Youtube videos Sam Vaknin very helpful, and also Melanie Tonia Evans’ blog on Narcissistic Abuse Recovery.

    Good luck & love to all of you, Seasons Greetings from snowy Germany and a very Happy 2015!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Alice, yes I have found Sam Vaknin to be very helpful and Melanie, there are many good blogs out there on the subject and more all the time, I believe 2015 is going to see a shift where the N’s of the world lose their power and finally society is going to recognize them for what they are. The more people who speak out the more power they lose. Thank you for your comment and words of encouragement, I love to hear from people who have survived and gone on to live happy lives, it gives everyone hope.
      The people who take the time to look inside and heal those old wounds are the ones who really come away a better more confident person because of the experience. Personally, it has brought me to such a level of self awareness and inner peace I wouldn’t change things if I could. Some times the worst experiences of our life are the most valuable and inspire the most personal growth.
      Whether it is one year, 10, or 30 years once you have met a narcissist your life is changed forever. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have been so stubborn and not stuck it out for 10 years but if I would have left after 1 year I would not have learned anything from it. Some of us are slow learners haha but it is never too late to find inner peace and happiness. Having supportive family and friends is the biggest help in recovering, you are blessed and the financial devastation they cause can really hold a person back for sure. But never diminish what you went through, to survive and thrive after an N is a great accomplishment and shows strength of character.
      I think we are going to get some snow here today also, we haven’t had any yet. God bless you and i wish you a fantastic 2015!!

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    2. malia

      Dear Alice, I like your quote: “The N is nothing more than a messenger to make us look at our inner child (and childhood wounds) and take care of it, level up to our real potential”

      Sam Vaknin, I did not understand what he was saying I have to repeat again to get his message. His new videos are for me better to understand.

      Hapy new year to all of you..

      Malia

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