I did a search to see the number one search term people used that brought them to my blog, after ladywithatruck; which doesn’t really count, the top search was, “How do I make a narcissist love me”.
Wow! How do I answer that? the short answer is, “You can’t.” because they quite simply don’t know how to love.
I want to ask of this/these people;
1. How do you know he is a narcissist? If you know he is a narcissist then you must have read up on them and if you have read up on them you must know that they cannot ever truly love anyone, not even themselves. I am assuming the person searching for answers has been love bombed by a narcissist and then systematically devalued and discarded and they want to go back to those wonderful heady days when they first met the narcissist. I am sure if you know he is a narcissist you have been on many websites researching so I also assume you haven’t been able to find one site dedicated to getting a narcissist back.
Anyone who has researched narcissists knows there are sites telling you how to leave a narcissist, how to go no contact from a narcissist, how to co-parent with a narcissist, the horror of being with a narcissist, but out of the hundreds of thousands of sites on the internet you have not found one site that will tell you how to keep one or get one to love you.
The only way to get a narcissist to act like he loves you is to dump him, but that kinda defeats the whole purpose doesn’t it? But it’s fact, it’s a “between a rock and a hard place” situation that makes a relationship with a narcissist impossible. NOT improbable, IMPOSSIBLE! as in:
I tried it, so I know what I am talking about, I am not guessing, I am basing my opinion on my experience and 4 years of research. You can manipulate a narcissist to kinda “behave” for a while but it isn’t sustainable, for one thing you are manipulating him so it isn’t a true relationship. I mean in order to get a narcissist to take an interest in you and act like he loves you, you must reject him totally. They hate rejection and it will more than likely cause them to start on a campaign to win you back. The catch here is, the minute you go back to him the abuse starts again. So to keep him semi interested you have to maintain the distance and disinterest in him long-term, which is all but impossible because with any relationship, in order for the relationship to survive there has to be growth and closeness. What is the point of loving someone you can never show love to? and who is never there for you and you can never be there for him because you have to be guarded at all times and never show you care. You may be able to do it with someone who was ambivalent about a relationship with you but a narcissist is actively working at destroying you and constantly doing things to cause you pain and suffering. No matter how hard you try to not care he will make you care somehow, he won’t give up until he does, it doesn’t have to be love, he just wants you to care, you can be angry, hurt, sad, horrified, terrified, it makes no nevermind to him, it is all caring.
The longer you play the game of appearing to not care the harder he will try to win you back and make you believe he really does love you so eventually one of two things will happen.
1. You will start to believe he loves you, crave the closeness he is offering and you will show your true self and be loving, take him back and you are right back in the relationship and vulnerable again; he takes full advantage of your vulnerability, pats himself on the back for his brilliance and the abuse starts all over again.
2. He will get sick of your disinterest and move on. You being distant gives him the perfect excuse to be looking elsewhere, after all he was cheating when you were in a “committed” relationship so now he is a free agent to do as he pleases and he will make sure you know all about the other women he is seeing. A narcissist MUST have someone worshipping him at all times, he hates to be alone, he must have someone waiting at home and several on the hook. He wants someone to bleed for him and if it isn’t you he will be actively looking for your replacement but continue to keep you on the hook until he finds her.
So, you see? it is impossible, no matter which way you look at it, it is not possible to make a narcissist love you.
Some of us get stuck in the “if only’s”; If only he would stop lying, If only he would see how much I do for him, If only he would come to bed at night, If only he would get a job, If only he would stop cheating.
I would be happy if he just came home at night, or I would be happy if he would just stop cheating.
We end up in a relationship that lasts years, even decades sustained on wishful thinking, empty promises and faded memories of a love that never was.
And what makes us so terribly unhappy is the not only the abuse but the fact that we are not living true to ourselves, we know we don’t deserve to be abused, we know we shouldn’t be accepting the behaviour we are from the N yet do and that causes a lot of inner turmoil and unhappiness. Often times the narcissist is also living on the edge of the law which goes against our belief system, or they are into drugs, weird sex, all sorts of things that are not true to our morals and beliefs yet we compromise our values in order to keep the relationship and that causes us a lot of anxiety. That is what is called cognitive dissonance, and why we lie to ourselves, because we have to make sense of the bizarre world we live in if we are going to stay so we minimize the abuse, assign different meaning to the actions of the N, because to stay with him we must do things that are against our grain and we become miserable and even more dependent on him because if we aren’t living true to ourselves we rely on him even more for approval and acceptance because we don’t approve of how we live and we fear no one else will either.
We find ourselves acting in ways we hate, we become suspicious, jealous, negative, angry, hurt and resentful. We lash out and say things we regret, we may even do something in revenge and feel guilty afterwards. Perhaps we even become physically abusive, or we start to hide money, we check his phone and his internet activity, and try to catch him doing something wrong, or if you are like me, I was trying to prove my suspicions were wrong. I didn’t want to find anything but I always did.
Our moods are governed by how he treats us, if he has a moment of kindness or generosity we are buoyed, hopeful and so damn grateful but normally we walk on egg shells, trying to anticipate his needs and appease him and when we have time we spend it trying to figure out what he is up to, what he meant by that, if he is lying, who he is screwing and searching on the net for answers for why he is the way he is and how to make him love us.
Is it any wonder the victim becomes a shell of the person they used to be? How can you remain YOU when all you think about is HIM. All your energy is being put into him and you are getting nothing back, of course you are depleted and feel empty. People need love, kindness and compassion; they can live without a partner because there are always friends and family to give you that kindness and compassion but if you isolate yourself and your only source of love and kindness is an abusive asshole; you shrivel up and die inside. No matter how filled with goodness and love a person is, if you are constantly ridiculed, and are never enough, if you continually give all you have to give and are still told you are not good enough you will become someone you don’t know, needy, insecure, shut off, fearful, paranoid, and then he leaves you because you are too needy, too paranoid, irrational, too sensitive, angry, etc.
So what is the answer? The answer is STOP. Just stop. Stop the spying, the researching, the obsessing about what he is doing and feeling and concentrate on what you are feeling and doing. You don’t have to leave him if you don’t want to, just stop catering to his every whim and start doing things that make you happy; believe me the rest will take care of itself.
There are few things more unattractive to the opposite sex than someone who is needy and clingy, but as much as a narcissist complains that you are too needy and clingy he does everything within his power to make you that way, and as I said before it is inevitable when you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
A healthy man or woman does not want to be the center of someone’s universe, they do not want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness or their bad mood. A healthy person wants the person they are with to find happiness in being with them but they do not want to be their only source of happiness. To be reliant on one person for your every mood and feeling (and eventually you very existence) is a very vulnerable spot to be in, of course the N has total control over your whole world and that is why when he dumps you it is so devastating.
The happiest people in the world, the people other people want to spend time with are the people who find their happiness in many areas of their life. They have interests that they enjoy with other people or by themselves, a partner enhances their life but is not their whole life. It doesn’t mean they love the person any less, it simply means they are autonomous, they don’t exist through someone else.
It is why women suffer with “empty nest syndrome”, they were someone’s mother for so long their don’t know who they are unless they are so-and-so’s mom. I went through a really tough time after James and I split and I lost my truck, I had nothing to identify myself with. I had always been my father’s daughter, someone’s wife, and after Kris was born I was “Kris’s mom” then I was James’s wife, and even after that ended I was “the Lady Witha Truck”.
All of a sudden I was just Carrie and I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t own anything, I didn’t have a job, I was nobody’s wife, I didn’t have money, I was just me, but who was I? I had to rediscover me and figure out what I stood for, what did I want to do with the rest of my life with nothing to hold me back, we usually have someone to consider when we make life choices, how it will affect our kids, our lover, our job……….but when you have none of that and you are only responsible for your own happiness and your own choices it can be daunting. No one else to blame for your decisions, no one to sway you one way or the other, it was damned scary; especially after having someone control every aspect of your life. I am still discovering me and sorting through the parts of me I don’t like and the parts I want to keep and doing my own self-analysis. There is no one telling me what I should do or think but I disappoint myself sometimes, wish I would have handled a situation better or I look at my motives for doing something. Even with the blog I check myself on an ongoing basis to make sure I am doing it for the right reasons and not because of the expectations of others or because I feel I have no other options. If I can’t do it with passion and honesty then I don’t want to do it and to be honest if I was not getting anything out of it I wouldn’t want to do it either. I could not continue to support, listen, share, and give of myself if I didn’t get something back. I would not be doing a good job of it either because I would get resentful and it would become a chore and depressing.
Whenever we put all our energy into one thing we create an unhealthy relationship that is doomed to fail, we must have diversity in our lives and we must derive pleasure from many things; it can be friends, nature, a pet, a sport, music, yoga, meditation, reading, walking……… anything that give us an inner peace and personal enjoyment, things that feed our soul, no one else’s.
The narcissist will not be happy if you start deriving pleasure away from him and he will do everything he can to prevent it from happening, that is why he doesn’t want you to work or have friends or any interests he has not approved. They want to control every aspect of your life. I remember with James, I enjoyed landscaping and got a job for a landscaping company, he disabled my truck so I couldn’t get to work and found me a job with a landscaper he had met. He thought I had talent as a painter but he wanted me to do pinstriping on vehicles. He wanted to control everything so he could give it and he could take it away, that is why they seem supportive at times, because they want to be able to take the support away, you can’t miss something you never had.
Once you start to find happiness on your own you become very protective of your happiness, you don’t want to go back because you know he will do something to take it away. You will also find that the need to have a man in your life disappears, you may still want a man in your life, but only if he gives you the space to do the things you enjoy. You will find that men (healthy men) will find you more attractive because you aren’t needy or desperate, you aren’t looking for your joy in someone else, you have joy in your soul. There is nothing wrong with getting pleasure from helping others, there is nothing wrong with being a giving person as long as you don’t give more than you can afford to give and as long as you live true to yourself and what you want in life. When you see you are off course and not living true to your core beliefs and it is because you are compromising your standards to accommodate someone else it is time to admit this person is not healthy for you and you need to stop and analyze what you want from life and in your life.
Here is a great video on how to change someone so you can be happy. Changing Others