Some of you might not even be able to listen to music yet. It took me awhile before I could listen to the radio even, it was rather strange because I always turned to music when I was down and this time I couldn’t handle any music let alone love songs.
I would only listen to CBC radio in my truck all day, talk radio; no chance of a sappy love song coming on and ruining my makeup.
I always loved music and somehow he managed to take that away from me also. I still don’t know what that is all about, maybe it was because he was so into music and played his guitar most nights? and he could never have quiet; never, there always had to be noise, when we did have TV he would walk through the door and turn it on, go over to the stereo and put something on and then start playing the guitar. It drove me crazy, being bombarded with all this noise coming from all angles. He played a handful of songs over and over again, never anything new, I think he memorized how to play them and that was all he knew. I am not even sure if he knows how to play the guitar for real, I am sure he must I met his guitar teacher but you know you end up doubting everything about them once you realize how much of what you thought was truth was a lie.
But anyway, eventually I was able to listen to music again, I can even hear songs he used to play and not have it trigger me. I remember him playing certain songs but if anything I have a good feeling come over me. I never thought that would happen either. I never thought I would be able to have a good feeling about James and not miss him or hate him but now I have a memory. Nothing more. I loved when he played his guitar, he would get lost in the music and I liked to see him enjoying himself, what can I say? and now I can remember the good feeling of watching him and appreciate it for what it was, a good time that doesn’t need to be repeated, I can have good memories of him. No one can take those away from us if we want to have them. You don’t have to hate everything about him, there are no “rules” that say “You must hate everything about him forever more.”
Your recovery is just that, YOUR recovery and they are your memories. No one is telling you to stop loving him, all that is required is for you to realize he is toxic in your life and you will never be happy with him in your life, he is dangerous to you and he will never get better, you can not fix him. The rest is up to you.
Some people need to hate the person in order to carry on, I could not do that, I had to allow myself to love him. I just knew I had to love him from a distance. No one could understand that but that was OK, how I dealt with it inside my head was my choice, I just had to stay away from him. I had to accept reality and know that I would never be with him, but if I wanted to love him until the day I died I could. I loved loving him, I could not let it go in the beginning.
I don’t love him any more but I still remember when I did love him, I remember how good it felt to be loved by him and I cherish some memories, he was not bad all the time, there were times I really believed he loved me. When I remember those times I smile. I guess I am talking about this today because I introduced a friend of mine to a guy I know. They are the two nicest people I know. I don’t play match maker, but I couldn’t see anything bad coming of it because they are both such nice people. Anyway, it seems to be going along wonderfully and my friend and I were talking about whether there was an immediate attraction, you know “girl talk”. For the record I do believe in love! And I was telling her how with some guys you have to get used to their lips and how they kiss etc and that a couple of times in my life I have met a man where our lips just fit. And that is the way it was with James, the first time we kissed I knew I was sunk. I knew that if I had anything to do with it, I was going to bed with this guy. He was the sexiest man I had ever met. Shameful? naw I don’t think so, it was exciting, he was exciting, I had no expectations at that point other than going to bed with him. He talked me into loving him. I was a big girl and thought I could handle anything that happened. The rest is history. But I smile when I remember those times. I think that means I am healed, call it forgiveness if you want I call it being realistic, I don’t want 10 years of my life to be remembered with hatred in my heart. It has taken me almost 5 years to get here. If hating him gets you by, by all means hate him but if you can’t hate him don’t beat yourself up.
I picked a few songs for your entertainment today.
Kelly Clarkson has a few good “Breaking up with a narcissist songs”, I heard this one today, Mr. Know-It All. and there is one that I listened too a lot about a year after we split Stronger I found this one today Never Again, Since U Been Gone was voted the best break up song of the decade. This is for the people who stay for the kids, “Because of You” I never thought of it from this angle until I saw the video, I always thought it was about an abusive relationship breaking up but now I realize it’s about a child watching her parents toxic relationship and the affect it had on her. I like it even more now, because it is so true, the children end up consoling the parent, feeling responsible, afraid and having dysfunctional relationships themselves.
I really liked this one by Pink also, Just Like A Pill because they are an addiction that makes us ill but we keep thinking it is going to kill the pain, but they are what is killing us.
Then for those of you who like a bit heavier music there is Korn, Narcissistic Cannibal
Got any break up songs you like? Tell us about them. I know there are tons of them.