Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and the Narcissist

easter-santa

All over the world children are waking up this morning and the first thought in their little minds is whether Santa visited last night and left presents for them. They will go running to look under the tree and find a bounty of brightly wrapped boxes, a stocking bulging with gifts and the cookies and milk will have been eaten and for one more year their faith in Santa remains intact.

I can’t remember what age Kris was when he stopped believing in Santa but I remember the day like it was yesterday.

I had worked very hard to keep the truth from him. I went to great lengths every Christmas keeping the fairy tale alive. Before Christmas my Dad would call pretending to be Santa Claus calling from the North Pole and talk to Kris. Of course we always visited Santa at the mall and on occasion Santa visited our house. Kris would make out his Christmas wish list and I would pray that he wished for something I could afford.

Christmas Eve we would lay out newspaper from the door to the tree for Santa to walk on, Kris would get a plate of cookies and a glass of milk ready for Santa and carrots for the reindeer and put it on the coffee table. My younger brother would usually come to stay the night and help me get the gifts under the tree, we would drink Grand Marnier and tea, he would eat the cookies, chew up and spit out carrot (the first year I saw him spitting carrots on the floor I was not impressed but he explained that reindeer are sloppy eaters), write Kris a letter from Santa saying thanks for the cookies and we usually stayed up too late talking. I would boil water so I could make mud because the ground would be frozen. I would dig out my old gumboots that I kept just for Christmas Eve and I would go step in the mud and make foot prints on the newspaper.

In the morning we were usually awake before Kris and after we had our morning coffee (and coffee liqueur) we would get bored waiting for Kris to wake up and start ringing the jingle bells and my brother would start yelling “Ho Ho Ho”. Kris believed for a long time, I was actually surprised he still believed when most kids his age had figured it out or been told by some disillusioned older child, but kris staunchly clung to his belief in Santa. I remember overhearing him defending Santa to some little friend, “Maybe you don’t have Santa at your house, but Santa always comes to my house, right Mom?” and I would nod my head, thinking and the child he was talking to would look so confused because parents don’t lie.

Then the day of reckoning came.

We were driving back from our weekly trip across the line for groceries and out of no where Kris says, “Mom, I want to ask you a question and I want you to be honest with me.”

I said, “Ok Kris, I will be honest, what is it.” I was thinking, “Oh God don’t let it be, where do babies come from or some other equally uncomfortable topic”.

He said, “You have to promise mom, it’s really important, the kids at school are teasing me and I really need you to tell me the truth.”

My stomach was in my throat but I promised no matter what I would be totally honest.

He screwed up his courage and asked, “Mom?…………”

Me “Yes Kris, go ahead, ask me anything.”

He went on, “The kids at school are saying there isn’t a Santa, is there a Santa mom? I really need to know.”

A mixture of panic and relief flooded over me and my mind raced, what do I do? I promised to be honest and if the kids are teasing him, and he DID want me to be honest. I looked at him and said, “You really want the truth?”

Kris- “Yes mom. Tell me the truth.”

Me – “No, Kris, there isn’t a Santa.”

He looked at me in utter disbelief, and started to argue with me, “But there has to be a Santa! Who brought all those presents? you never had enough money to buy all those presents and the foot prints, there HAS to be a Santa!!”

Then he wouldn’t believe me and I ended up in the end saying something like, “Santa exists if you believe.” I didn’t know what else to do, he refused to accept the truth and I thought I would just let it sink in and eventually he would accept it.

I often feel the victims of a narcissist are much the same; they go on the net looking for the truth, they have a feeling that the narcissist isn’t real, maybe people have even said something to them. They find my blog (or some other blog) and there is the truth staring back at them, everything they read describes their lives since meeting the N. They have the truth, they wanted the truth but once they have it they don’t want to accept it and will even argue that their man may fit the description of a narc but they are not sure he is one,  after all there is so much proof he is really a nice guy deep down inside.

I am not going to argue with anyone, I figure once I put the truth out there it is up to the individual person to digest the information and eventually they will accept the truth and adjust their lives accordingly.

But the narcissist is nothing more than an elaborate lie, just like Santa, he seemed like a jolly, generous, merry, benevolent  guy without a mean bone in his body. Much like Santa has little elves as helpers, the Narcissist has “helpers”also, who help him with his charade. The big difference, and why we can get over finding out Santa was not real easier than finding out the truth about the narcissist is; Santa doesn’t go on a smear campaign when you discover the truth about him. Santa doesn’t demand you give him back all the gifts he ever got you and everything else you have. Santa doesn’t go out of his way to make you feel inferior because you aren’t as good as the other children and that is why he doesn’t exist any more and if you would have just believed in him he would still be leaving gifts under your tree. Santa doesn’t haunt your dreams, stalk you, send you nasty text messages, talk shit behind your back, or blame you for everything wrong in his life. Santa is just a good memory, such a good memory we tell the same lie to our children.

The narcissist makes you want to warn everyone about narcissists and protect all the children of the world from his evil. He may be make believe but he is also flesh and blood and the devil in disguise and the sooner you accept that the better off you will be.

We all want to cling to the fantasy, it was such a nice fantasy, and it did seems so real, when we were naive; but it is time to put our big girl panties on and face the truth. It will hurt for a while but there is life after a narcissist just like any of the other fairy tales we cling to. There is no bunny who leaves chocolate eggs around the house, and no tooth fairy who comes and leaves money under your pillow, or a fat jolly man who sneaks in on Christmas eve and leaves gifts for all the good children, the narcissist is not your soul mate who will always love you for who you are and cherish you he just pretended to be.

I know some people are feeling so very all alone today, you are feeling like you are the only one who is miserable this Christmas, the N is off with the new woman and giving her all the wonderful things and more than you ever wanted or got from the N, maybe he has turned the kids against you, or maybe he has left you destitute and you can barely feed yourself or don’t have a place to call home, maybe you are still with the N and walking on egg shells hoping he doesn’t ruin the day and once again there were no gifts for you under the tree. Whatever your circumstances are, know this; you are a precious gift, you are special and loved, you do not need his approval or love to be whole and happy. It was all an evil illusion to make you feel less than, but you are beautiful, and so very loveable, and you are strong, look what you have survived so far! You may feel broken, you have every right to be sad, lonely, angry, ………… whatever you are feeling but this day is only 24 hours long and you are 1/2 way through now, you can get through the rest of the day and then it is only a few days until the new year and with the new year comes a new beginning. You will never be quite this low again, you have been through the worst of it. There is life after the narcissist, just keep saying it until you believe it.

hobs

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20 thoughts on “Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and the Narcissist

  1. Carrie,

    You know. You know more than anyone else could know.

    You wrote:

    “The narcissist makes you want to warn everyone about narcissists and protect all the children of the world from his evil. He may be make believe but he is also flesh and blood and the devil in disguise and the sooner you accept that the better off you will be.”

    I just had a text conversation with someone today where I stated: The N I experienced was EVIL. The devil himself, the devil incarnate. He raped me.

    And Carrie, that is thee ONLY way to describe it to people who are not victims. There seems to be no other way than to say I was raped. Because most people just want me to move on. To forge my future. To leave him in my rear view window. Easier said than done, but they just don’t understand how long the abuse was, how insidious, how difficult it is to “just let go”.

    And then today, Christmas… not to hear from him. I sent him a present. Stupid me. I feel stupid. Dumb shit. Why did I bother? I want to get back into his good graces. I want him to stop hating me, to stop stonewalling me (silent treatment), to stop responding to me with hate and vile (how could he do that when he used to love me only 5 months ago? We made incredible love and spent 5 amazing days together and then it was just OVER and I was met with anger and rage? Lies. Only to find him with another!) I want him to come back. To just stop. I want him to love ME and not HER!

    You said:

    We all want to cling to the fantasy, it was such a nice fantasy, and it did seems so real,

    Carrie … It’s hard to believe it was not real. He was just as genuine as any other man I dated. Why shouldn’t I have believed he wasn’t real? Why? I had no reason to. I miss him. I miss that Carrie! I’m embarrassed, but I fucking miss him.

    It was suggested to me the other day to start saying, “I miss my abuser. I miss the man that made me feel like shit. I miss the man who lied and cheated on me. I miss the man who without guilt or shame stepped over my dying corpse.:

    I’m crying so hard as I write this. It’s Christmas! My family is in the other room. My son is having a blast playing. We had a nice morning. It was an act. All an act on my part. I was present, but my heart was breaking. Thank God I’m not alone this day. I might have killed myself. That’s how bad I am hurting today.

    And then I doubt he is an N. I think it was me! I was too psycho for him. He said I brought drama to his life and he wants his life to be calm. Maybe she is more calm. She is prettier.

    You wrote:

    I know some people are feeling so very all alone today, you are feeling like you are the only one who is miserable this Christmas, the N is off with the new woman and giving her all the wonderful things and more than you ever wanted or got from the N…

    Carrie… how did you know? How did you know that is EXACTLY how I am feeling today? HOW DID YOU FLIPPING KNOW?!!!! He wrote her a beautiful note. I never got a note from him. He bought a new car. He drove around in an old stinky truck with me. She has the good him, I did not get all that love. Not in the end anyway.

    You wrote:

    But it is time to put our big girl panties on and face the truth. It will hurt for a while but there is life after a narcissist just like any of the other fairy tales we cling to. There is no bunny who leaves chocolate eggs around the house, and no tooth fairy who comes and leaves money under your pillow, or a fat jolly man who sneaks in on Christmas eve and leaves gifts for all the good children, the narcissist is not your soul mate who will always love you for who you are and cherish you he just pretended to be.

    Oh my. The narcissist is not my soul mate. He was not the man who will always love me for who I am and cherish me. Bill just pretended to be.

    Then Carrie, you wrote the most perfect response ever. I will print this out. Carrie it with me. (Pun Intended!) I rewrote it for myself:

    Whatever my circumstances are, know this: I am a precious gift, I am special and loved, I do not need Bill’s approval or love to be whole and happy. It was all an evil illusion to make me feel less than, but I am beautiful, and so very lovable, and I am strong, look what I have survived so far! I may feel broken, I have every right to be sad, lonely, angry, ………… whatever I am feeling, but this day is only 24 hours long and I am 1/2 way through now, I can get through the rest of the day and then it is only a few days until the new year and with the new year comes a new beginning. I will never be quite this low again, I have been through the worst of it. There is life after the narcissist, I will keep saying it until I believe it.

    Writing you today I had a good cry. It needed to come out. I am ashamed that I sent him a gift, spent more on him than anyone in my family who loves me more than Bill ever could. Why? I woke with dread. It hit me like a mac truck. It’s been 5 months to the day… July 25th on my 50th birthday when he began to kill me softly at first and then with vile later. Hatred. Deceit. Evil insanity. Horror. A slow knife burn to my soul.

    I will recoup. This post is exactly what I needed. God Bless you. You are a gift of life to me.

    Love, Andrea

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    1. Andrea, I am sorry I am so slow responding. My heart goes out to you and I DO know how you feel. Cry, it is ok, you WILL recoup and you will be stronger and more self aware for this experience. I never would have believed it 5 years ago. JC and I broke up at the beginning of Dec 2010, and even a whole year later I was still heart broken. The reason I was so heart broken was because I prolonged my suffering by staying in contact. and I am not proud of the fact that when I found out he had a woman i begged him to come back to me and not do this. I have always sworn I would never beg a man, I was better than that, but there I was making a fool of myself and making him look even better in the other woman’s eyes. She was thinking, “He can’t be that bad if she wants him back that bad. I am so lucky and I am never going to take him for granted like she did”.
      I had no pride left, I didn’t care any more. I didn’t even really want him back, I just didn’t want him to be happy with some other woman. I tortured myself with thoughts of them having so much fun together. Oh, he did everything and more than I had ever asked for and never got and it ripped my heart out. He told me, I made his life hell for 10 years and she was so calm and rational that he didn’t have to lie to her, it was easy to love her, she was nothing like me. He loved to go on and on about how much he loved her on his facebook and he acted totally single on FB while he was with me.
      They purposely do things they know you wanted them to do with the new woman just to rub salt in your wounds. They don’t change.
      She will go through exactly the same things as you, but he will never let you see that. As far as you are concerned he will always make it seem ike they are soul mates and she is so much better than you. Don’t believe it.
      So, you bought him a gift, oh well. Did you learn a lesson from it? As long as you learned something it is never a loss. I kept contacting JC until I got sick of hurting. It hurt more to contact him than to just sit by myself and hurt. You ARE going to hurt. There is no avoiding it, you decide how much and how long you are going to hurt.
      The fastest way to stop hurting is to go no contact. You may think you can’t, you HAVE to talk to him. No you don’t, you just think you do. Everytime you have contact with him you rip the bandage off and take the scab off with it. You could have been doing good for 2 weeks and then have contact and you are right back at square one. Every time you have contact you put yourself back to the beginning. When you stop responding, stop doing things to win him back and having him reject you THEN you will start to heal, until then you are just a sitting duck for his hurt. I remember the last time I tried to contact him, he had “worked” on my truck and that same day it broke down. Now I knew he sabotaged my truck but I paid him to do work on my truck. THAT my dear is off the scale stupid. He must have been orgasmic while he was sabotaging my truck and I paid him for the trouble. OMG I shudder at the thought. It was then that I knew I was not healthy, it wasn’t his fault any more, it was my own, I was a willing victim and I couldn’t blame him. I could not expect sympathy either, how could I bitch about how he hurt me when I set myself up?
      You will come to the point where you simply do not want to hurt any more and you will end all contact. Stop looking at FB, stop calling, texting, giving gifts, stop reading his texts and emails and then you will see how good it feels to not hurt and you won’t want to contact him because you don’t want to hurt like that ever again. But it takes a while to wean yourself off of him.
      As for being flooded with thoughts of him with the other woman. When those thoughts come to mind, change the scene playing in your head, instead of the other woman being so happy and getting all the things you wanted, imagine she is you, imagine he is treating her like he treated you. She is the one waiting for him to come home and he isn’t answering his phone, or she is the one dealing with his word salad, gas lighting, and roller coaster emotional hell. That is more what the truth is. He is not going to change, she is getting everything you got, everything, all the nastiness, cruelty, and hatefulness, trust me.
      She is not getting the best of him, he does not have a best part, she is not special and you aren’t better than her, it has nothing to do with her, you or any other woman. he doesn’t give a shit who she is, what she likes and dislikes, he doesn’t love her. He is using her to hurt you, He knows he is getting to you and so he will never show his true colours. If you want him to show his true colours stop feeding his ego. When he no longer is getting a response from you he will need it from somewhere and guess where he will get it. From her, that’s right, but as long as he has you as a door mat he can treat her like a queen.
      Hang in there. it does get easier, 5 months is not long, and it is nothing if you have stayed in contact.
      Make 2015 YOUR year.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  2. Thank you for sharing this post. It’s been a few years since I’ve been in a relationship with my narcissist ex, but I remember like it was yesterday. It really is difficult to comprehend. They come on like they’re our soul mate. It’s hard to accept that they were just pretending, that we were just a means to an end, but once it sinks in, it really sinks in. This blog is going to help so many women. Bless you.

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    1. LaTanya,
      Thank you for taking the time to comment. Bless you! bless everyone who survives a narcissist! I am happy to hear you feel my blog is helping people. I swore that if I survived it I would spend the rest of my life trying to warn and save other women from the going through the same hell. It is gratifying to know I am making a difference.
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  3. Carrie, bless you. Bless you for your honesty, for your bravery, for your strength in telling the truth about who & what the narcissist is. You are a beautiful example to all of us victims of narcissistic abuse that we WILL survive, we WILL recover and we WILL become strong once again, recovering ourselves as the beautiful person we were before the narc-devil dragged us into his narc-Hell. I’m 6 months out, and even though on some of the bad days I’ve had to cajole or force myself to keep on taking baby steps forward, I HAVE made huge progress, I HAVE recovered to the point where I don’t miss him, I HAVE had hours of peace, and once again, HALLELUJAH!, I am feeling safe in my own home and healthy in mind & body. Your blog has been a huge help, so I hope this Christmas day brings you the joy of knowing that your words here are a gift to me & so many of us who had no idea WTF a narc was before we found your posts. Thank you for all the work you’ve done & are doing to help us all heal.

    Sending BIG beams of appreciation out your way, as you are a HUGE blessing to me. Happy Christmas, my friend. ((((hug))))

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    1. O… how did you stop missing him? I still do. I’m 5 months out. Why do I still hurt so much? I’ve let his silence still control me, and I’m not quite sure how to get to the other side. Altho, like Carrie said, I have already been thru so much already. The first two months were absolute pure sheer hell.

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      1. Andrea, I read all I could find on narcissism, I enrolled in a DV support group, I started telling friends the real stories of what had been happening to me and I stayed away from the narc so he couldn’t cause my head to keep spinning. I found this blog and started looking for more links on narcissistic abuse and have learned that all of what I had thought was real about my ex was just manipulative BS. At the beginning of my relationship with him I saw his immaturity and anne issues, but thought he was just inexperienced in relationships… um, NO, he was just a self-absorbed N. Although he would say “I love you, baby.” on occasion, his tone was usually flat, unless I had just given in to what he had been pressuring me to give him, then there was a ring of “truth” to his words but it wasn’t ME he loved & wanted, because now I can clearly recall the daily rudeness, the insults, the undermining of my confidence.. yeah, no, he didn’t love me, he loved what he could get from me ~ the sex, food, money, ego strokes… he never cared if I was hurt, heck, he enjoyed causing me pain. I understand now that it gave him a power rush when he could mess with my emotions and get a massive reaction out of me. He took my self-confidence, my time, my energy, my peace and gave me back fear, discomfort, distrust, shame, poverty, a torn up house and a broken heart. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, malnutrition, and a heart murmur by the time it was over. Why should I miss any of the turmoil and trouble he caused me? Nope, little sister, now that I have detoxed from the addiction to his overstimulating my emotions I don’t miss him anymore. It was all about manipulation, control and power over. It had nothing to do with real heart-felt love ~ I was his puppet. Now I get nauseous if I think about him for more than half a minute. I do miss his kids though… and I pray for them daily that they remember the good energy I managed to give them and hope that I’ll get to talk with them when they are old enough to be out on their own and leave the narc’s home. For right now, the no contact has given me the time & space to sort it all out and get back on my feet. It’s great to have recovered enough to feel normal again.

        I wish you all the best as you move through your changes. (((hug)))

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    2. O. Thank you so much!! I am so happy to hear another victim talking with hope and strength, knowing they deserve to be treated with respect and love. It is so gratifying to know I had any part in that. 2015 is going to be a wonderful year for you, I can tell. Thank you for sharing and giving other victims hope. You are living proof that a person CAN survive and thrive after being involved with a narcissist. You are right, there will come a day that his kids (if they are not N’s themselves) will realize what he is and able to put two and two together and know it is 4 no matter how many times he tries to tell them differently.Know that for the period time you were in their life you gave them an example of unconditional love and they will remember that.
      God bless you in 2015. I think it is going to be an exciting year for many of us.
      hugs
      Carrie

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  4. This is my first post on this blog, I am separated from a 10 year marriage, with a 15 year old son from a previous marriage, I am not in the house I have owned for the last 18 years because he has it, probably enjoying it with his new girlfriend he met after the two weeks I left after he beat me up on vacation. Yesterday was the longest day, but this morning it was Christmas, and I got the nicest handwritten card from my son, I would like to share it with you;

    Merry Christmas Mom,
    I know this is a different Christmas morning this year than any other year
    But guess what?! It’s happy and it’s better without him, and any arguments and ridicules conflicts because of him. He is more like the
    Grinch who tried to “steal Christmas from us”
    You’ve been very strong, and you’ve done a good job at being a Mom
    Considering what you’re going through ! I’m glad your my Mom and I always will!
    Love,
    Keefer

    I always knew I did the best thing by leaving, but if this isn’t the best validation you could ever get, I don’t know what is!
    My heart goes out to everyone this holiday that has felt like they have been erased, and so easily replaced. We don’t wnat to be in the hell with them, but now we don’t know how to be without them…. I think from this day forward whenever I am doubting myself I will just read this note, and have it give me justification, and strength…

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    1. Susan, what a gift from your son! Lovely and yes, cherish it, print it off and tape it every where you spend any time and when doubts enter your mind reread it until you can recite word for word. Let it be your mantra that gets you through any dark days. You deserve to give your son the best you you can be.
      I thank God for my boy every day, I spent the day with my son yesterday and it breaks my heart to think I caused him so much worry through the years because of a waste of skin like JC.
      There are so many good years ahead, so much life to live, so many joys to come. Hoping you have a wonderful 2015 with your son. Hugs
      Carrie

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  5. Andrea,

    I have followed your blog some and read and re read some of your comments here. First, let me say, in all sincerity that if you feel that you want to harm your self , while you have a beautiful son that needs you and family in the other room, on Christmas, then please, please call your therapist, call a help line, call someone , we can not help here on the blog someone that may be having self harm thoughts. The holidays are tough for alot of people, especially those that suffer from depression like you do, that has nothing to do with the ex, and everything to do with you.

    In all your posts here and on your own, not once have I seen you say you love him. Not once. But , there is alot of you wanting him to want you over the new g/f. As if IF he came back to you he would be telling YOU you are prettier. It seems to always come back to that. Looks. And material things. That in itself is a problem when we always have to think WE are the prettiest, the smartest, the most desirest, the best. Maturity tells us we will NEVER be the prettiest, EVER. There will always be someone prettier smarter funnier etc. That is life. IF we have to feel that way and need someone to constantly make us feel like that well, that is a problem in ourselves. There comes a point in everyones life where they accept the fact that they are uniquely themselves, nothing more, nothing less and what others have or have not, look like has no bearing on how WE feel. All the material things, the designer clothes, granite counters, high end coffee makers, etc don’t mean a thing if there is nothing inside.

    IF you spent more on a man that has a g/f than on your own family, that is a problem. Are you trying to lure him away w/ expensive gifts? trying to show him you can buy him things that she can’t? Maybe those things do not matter to him. And IF you could buy him away would you ever feel secure? Perhaps you and him have different values. I don’t know if he is an N or not, but he is giving you a gift of not sending you mixed messages. He has made it clear he wants no contact. He isn’t leading you on. You have no idea how much of a gift that is. There is no confusion about what he wants or how he feels. As hard as it is , he is being more decent that most N’s that play games. Keeping you on a hook and jerking it once in a while. Be very thankful.

    The prettiest wrapped box under the tree may have nothing in it and visa versa. It is what inside that counts…………

    I hope you can find some peace in the New Year.

    many Blessings,

    Ellie

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  6. Thank you for this post. I found your blog a few days ago when googling for something that might explain to me why I still struggle to believe he never loved me. My divorce, after 33 years of marriage, was final in June. My heart still fails to fully accept what my head is sure of, that it was all just a fairy tale, that I over did, lost myself, and allowed my children to learn his belittling and covertly abusive behaviors.

    I read your post today and smiled because it was as if you had been eavesdropping on me at the end of the day yesterday when I slumped into my chair and said to myself, “You did it! You got through the hardest Christmas ever and this was truly the lowest you will ever be!”

    Even though there were no presents for me this year, and I ate Christmas dinner at china buffet with a girlfriend who was also alone, I actually ended up with the most amazing gift, and that was the knowledge that I am stronger than I thought, that living my worst fears was not nearly as painful as the dread of it had been, and that unlike my ex, God will never leave me nor forsake me.

    Thank you for your blog and for letting me know there are other people out there who know how crazy I feel sometimes and how much it hurts when everyone you ever loved steps blindly over you as you lay in a disheveled and broken-hearted heap, to rush in and protect and applaud the perfectly-coifed abuser.

    Cheers to the new year, and the person I am finally getting to know, who is the real me, the one who doesn’t have to live in chaos and fear, who doesn’t have to jump through hoops, and who is about to discover that she always had everything she ever needed inside herself.

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    1. Tracy, what a valuable message you just sent to all victims out there! thank you for sharing. What a positive outlook! cling to it in moments of doubt because it is fact. As long as you stay no contact your life will slowly but surely get better day by day. God has a plan and it does not involved being belittled, beaten down or broken hearted.
      The best thing that came out of my relationship with the N was a deep appreciation of the person I am, forgiveness for myself and the realization that I am a good person deserving of love, and that I have to love myself before I love anyone else.
      May 2015 hold only wonderful things for you.
      HugsCarrie

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  7. Thank you Carrie,
    I don’t know you, but I think you are beautiful and I love you. I have spent some time over the last few days finding my way around your site! I am so thankful for you and your blog. You do deserve a best blogger award. I posted my comment above in a moment of bravado sandwiched between two meltdowns emotionally, so I hope my comments did not lead anyone to think I was farther down the road of healing then I am. But, from what I have seen of this site’ I’m pretty sure I will be able to find help for whatever state of mind I may be in here. Today I got an answer from a post you did in 2013 to the question I googled that led me here.

    The answer…No he never loved me. He can no more love than he can fly. It is so hard to accept this after devoting 33 years to a man who hated me more the harder I tried.

    Yes, I will remain no contact, but not because I’m so smart, but because he happily moved on to the other woman before we were even divorced. If he had ever begged at my door I am certain I would have thrown it wide open for him. While this is a huge blow to my ego, I believe it is really God’s way of protecting me till I get stronger.

    I am 56 like you, and I feel scared about how I will support myself or what will happen to me if I get ill. But yours and the other stories on here show me that I can have hope any joy and happiness one day soon!

    So thank you for being here. I think I will be here a while!

    Tracy

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    1. Tracy, I am so glad I have been able to help you in some small way. Is it just a fuke that you refer to the playing monopoly with your ex or did you read my post “The Narcissist Game”. If you haven’t read it you might find the irony and humor in it. I am replying to all your comments at once. I was actually going to reply to your comment on Did He Ever Love Me but accidentally clicked on this comment so this reply might not match this reply. Omg, have I totally confused you? That was like N word salad it was so mixed up.
      Tracy, you will make it, there will be tough times but the secret and what I see in your comments is a real desire to heal and be happy, you are not stuck in victim mode. You have accepted reality and now you want to do whatever you have to in order to heal and move on.
      Boy do I ever know how scary it is to be 56 with no security but believe things will work out, I don’t know month to month how I will make it and somehow things always come together for me. Keep positive thoughts, and your mind open to possibilities, help, opportunities, jobs can come from the places you least expect. And the biggest trick to healing is no contact, I can’t say it enough. Don’t be surprised if he does show up on your doorstep someday, they have been known to pop back into the victim’s life years later, a “changed” man. Don’t believe it for a minute, nothing can change these people, they are hardwired for evil.
      You are welcome here as long as you need and we are here to listen to you rant, rage, cry or share your victories. I love nothing better than to hear of someone who has done the trek and found happiness and I get more and more of those stories lately. It takes a while to get to total healing and the stage of really not giving a crap about the N but the you are through the worst now and it is just a matter of staying the course and doing some inner work now so you don’t ever have to go through this again.
      Don’t look back and try not to look too far forward, try to stay in the moment and think positive thoughts. Visualize how you want your life to look and it will happen.
      All the best to you in 2015 and I look forward to hearing about all the wonderful things that will come your way in the new year.
      Hugs

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