Why Can’t I Get Him Out Of My Head

I went back in the blog to find some of my earlier posts when I was still struggling with no contact, nightmares about the wospos and feeling like I was getting no where with my healing.

JC and I had been split about a year, been no contact for several months and then he had shown up where I worked and apologized, I had checked his FaceBook and found out he had just gotten engaged and I had to move because the trailer park where I was living was being developed. I had been very sick with a flu and was really feeling lonely, depressed and had been having nightmares about James every night.

These are comments I got from the few people who subscribed to my blog at the time, 3 out of 5 of my followers. I have said it before, there was a handful of people who got me through the worst of it after I started the blog and I will forever be grateful. For those of you who feel you are taking too long to get over your ex, or for those who are moving along swimmingly and can’t understand why other’s seem totally stuck, some people take longer than others. I was one of the slowest learners I have ever seen on here.

The only reason I know no contact is the only way to heal is because I didn’t think I could not have contact with him, I wailed “why won’t he just leave me alone? I didn’t contact him, he is the one that always calls me.” I was stuck on victim, like a broken record, totally leaving my happiness in James’s control.

It is because I was stuck on victim and because I struggled so badly and because I found it so hard to let go that I harp on no contact now. I know I did not start to heal until I had no contact whatsoever with him. Even when I thought I was doing well, feeling stronger, not missing him; one email, one text, one phone call could send me spiralling into the pits of despair again, having nightmares and obsessing about what he meant by this or that. I couldn’t help but get angry when I would respond and then he wouldn’t reply back. He would send a text, “Hi how are you?” I would wait a day, thinking I was being so strong to not reply right away, and then he wouldn’t reply to my text and I would be angry with myself for getting sucked in again. I would wonder why he bothered to text, I would have an urge to check his FaceBook to find out what was going on in his life and sure enough he would have posted on his FaceBook something about him and her designed to hurt me.

Sometimes the victim clings to the hurt because it keeps us attached to the Narc, after all the relationship was based on him hurting us, if he continues to hurt us we are still connected, he still cares enough to hurt us. I know, that is SO  unhealthy!!! but hey we ARE unhealthy after being involved with a narcissist.

Remember when you read these comments they are from Feb 2012, which is 3 years ago and I have been away from the wospos for 5 years. I don’t want to discourage people and have you all thinking “OMG I have to suffer like this for another 2 years!!??” I share what I went through so you don’t have to suffer as long as I did.

 

Comment from Cestlavie

I am really sorry about all this! The one thing that struck me in your post is the dreams you are continuing to have about an ex who is no good for you. I totally understand this feeling and wish that there was a remedy. My best advice is to drown it away in songs before you go to bed to try and avoid the dreams or if you are happy to have dreams of him to hold on to dont think of life as waking up from an awesome dream but rather a way to make those dreams even more precious

Cestlavie,
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I would love the dreams to stop, I left over a year ago and haven’t had any contact whatsoever for months but he haunts my subconscience and manages to torment me, usually when I am in a weakened state like being sick.

The music is a good idea unfortunately I don’t have a stereo at this time, not even a radio in my truck which is killing me because I have always used music as a release, to heal with and pour my heart out to.

I have noticed though that it seems to be just part of the healing process. I will go through these spells where I seem to be taking a step backwards with my healing but in actual fact I have pulled farther away and I’m stronger than ever.

Its as if the healing comes in waves of excruciating pain but once that wave passes it never hurts quite that bad again and it makes me even more determined to never allow him in my life again.

Deb

 

I didn’t know you were sick, so I am sending you a belated get well wish…

 

and hugs so you know I care…

I can’t understand why you would dream of JC like you do…You’re free of him now, Hon. Find it within yourself to be a peace with this. You are better off without him.
And you keep on standing up for yourself!
Hugs, xx

 

Deb!! Thank you!! You are a sweetheart! Put a smile on my face for sure. Strange, that is EXACTLY the way I looked when I was sick! Uncanny!! Haha

Feeling much better now thanks, still not 100% but trying to not push myself.

I don’t know what it is about JC. I truly don’t want him back, don’t even want to know how he is or what he’s doing. No desire whatsoever. I think it must have been a fever induced thing.

But I’m better.

Thanks so much for your kind words and well wishes. They worked

TikkTok

 

Dreams are how the psyche works this stuff out……….. I’m 20 years out, and I still periodically have dreams. This stuff never leaves you. It scars you and while the subconscious mind is busy working it out, new dreams, and new patterns have to take root. You can’t undo the damage of 10 years in a year………

 

Thanks Tikk,
You have a way of saying things so honestly and simply. I get impatient with myself.

TikkTok

 

I’m just further along than you are. 🙂 It’s easy to feel like once the decision to leave has been made and taken place, all the crap should just magically disappear. I mean, this is why people go to therapy as adults and have repressed memories that come back and smack them 30 years after something happened to them.

These dreams- it’s not a matter of wanting- it’s a matter of healing. And you are definitely to the point where you subconscious knows the difference.

It still takes time, of course. I think of people who have been physically burned- they go through treatment; they have healing that takes place. And while the scars may fade and they aren’t as noticeable, they are still there; just not as obvious. They may be largely ignored, until they’ve been out in the sun too long, and a soreness reminds them that the scars remain.

The same thing happens mentally. Patience is hard when we’re eager to move on completely, in every significant way………..

 

  • mysterycoach
    February 12th, 2012 at 11:24 am |

    Zaaaaaaaactly right. You know, I didn’t have dreams about my ex like this but I wasn’t with him but 1.5 years. That was enough for me, when I started losing people because of him, I thought… for this ONE PERSON? I’m losing people?

    Oh no. That’s not happening. When he died, that’s another story for a blog post actually. It’s very long… and we had closure because of it. Which was cool… he apologized. Which was even better… He’s happy now … which is good.

    ladywithatruck

     

     

    February 12th, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    JC keeps apologizing and I have accepted it but it doesn’t give me closure. I think because he isn’t apologizing for real, he’s mouthing words he knows he should be saying he’s squeezing out tears at the right moment but I know its an act. I shouldn’t let it bother me I don’t know why every time I see him I feel so drained, angry and resentful. I watched him while he talked yesterday and all I kept thinking was “loser”, “bullshitter”, “asshole” yet I came home and cried.

    He wasn’t as tall as I remember, or near as handsome, he looked old and worn out. He wasn’t near as big as I remembered him. I would be embarrassed to be seen with him because he really has nothing going for him so why do I cry?

    I just wish he’d drop off the face of the earth.

    Your ex died? Was it a deathbed apology? That’s kinda bitter sweet. I’m glad you got that closure.

     

  • mysterycoach
    February 10th, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Okay 🙂 So we’re all on the same page as to why you’re dreaming about J.C., your subconscious mind is getting out all the supressed garbage it’s stored. I just had a dream yesterday afternoon about Nog and the bosses girlfriend and they were leaving the office to go shopping together. That’s my mind trying to cut loose all that shit that went on in my office. 🙂 It’s not done processing it… so since it hasn’t come up and out in a nice heavy rant and/or verbally out loud venting where I feel understood… it comes out other ways.

    What goes in, must come out. 🙂 And there you go! It’s part of healing and resolution in my humble opinion. It’s happened to me all my life.

    • ladywithatruck
      February 10th, 2012 at 6:11 pmEdit

      YES!! By George I think you’ve got it!

      It’s like a self inflicted exorcism; I relive the agony at a point where I am actually strong enough to deal with it because as much as it hurt at the time and I may have cried and even gotten angry at the time with JC I didn’t actually deal with it totally because I just couldn’t. And it usually happens when I am in a weakened state(like sick) probably because if I am not sick I am still strong enough to keep it suppressed. If that makes sense?

      Isn’t the mind a wonderful thing?! Its post traumatic stress; you deal with it after the fact because at the time it’s happening you’re in survival mode or doing damage control.

      When ever I go through a period of dreaming about him once I get through it I feel so much lighter and less affected by him. I suspect I have a few more bouts of it before it’s all out of my system; after 10 yrs I must have quite a stock pile of shit!

      It also seems that once I have an exorcism my life improves in general almost overnight. Its almost like his poison infiltrated every aspect of your life.

      I can almost visualize him being sucked swirling down a dark vortex screaming NOooooooo as he tries to claw at me trying to grab me and I just shake him off. So evil so very evil.

      I bet the longer you are away from work the more you will feel the release. Stress you didn’t even know you had. Sure you knew you were stress but I bet you don’t know to what level. I have a feeling this is going to turn into a really good thing for you. Where you want to send them a thank you care for getting out of your life so there was room for the good things come in.

      • mysterycoach
        February 11th, 2012 at 1:19 am

        Absolutely. Your mind wants to get rid of all that garbage and it will do it, if you’re not doing it consciously, on it’s own. What goes in, must come out.

        oooh no, I know exactly how stressed I’ve been for three years. My body’s been telling me for a while.

        I’m thinking a good round with my slap man will make me feel loads better too. 🙂 So will working out, I want to start that again today.

        Ya. I’m looking forward to “not” having all that interpersonal stress anymore. Because while the work was stressful that other crap was worse

        • TikkTok
          February 12th, 2012 at 8:28 am |

          Right, right right. Bear in mind how long the crap had to take hold. It flitered in to every aspect of your being- conscious and subconscious- every aspect of 10 years (which, is a significant amount of time) was tied together with JC.

          Yes, of course, fevers can induce hallucinations. Somewhere in your mind, a defense mechanism kicked in to take you to a place where you felt safe only to be kicked while you were down. This is totally a reflection of the situation that’s happening now with where you are living. The mind is an interesting thing, and it’s no wonder it tied the two situations together (you felt safe where you are now but are being kicked while you are down)

          The thing, imo, to take away from the dream is that your logic has taken root and is starting to change your responses, from your subconscious mind. I know this sucks, but that right there is a kind of victory that will only bring you good things down the road.

          Get better soon!

          • ladywithatruck

            Thanks again Tikk,
            Like some things the cure is almost worse than the illness. I saw JC again yesterday; he was waiting for me again.

            He looked like hell, so much smaller than I remember. I’m still sick and would love to be able to lean again a strong chest and I couldn’t help wonder how I ever felt safe in his arm his chest and arms didn’t look comforting at all. His hands didn’t look as strong and capable. He has been fired again and of course he had an excuse why it wasn’t his fault. I pretended to sympathize and believe his lies because why argue.

            Hopefully next time I will keep driving when I see him.

            I have never had such a hard time getting over someone before.

            I don’t love him any more I guess the day will come when he has no affect on me I look forward to that day.

 

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8 thoughts on “Why Can’t I Get Him Out Of My Head

  1. Gail Rost

    He left June 28, 2010. Until about 6 months ago, I would see him driving somewhere and it would feel like my heart was beating out of my chest. It takes a while. I was with him 33 years and we were scarcely apart. It does get better. It just takes time and I had to learn to live by myself and learn that I was okay to live by myself. I didn’t discover your blog until after I was divorced. I really did think it was all my fault though I felt so much better as time when on after he was gone.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Gail, congratulations on getting through to the light. It can be so discouraging at times, like we will never get through the pain and heartache but we do, time is the biggest thing and working on learning to appreciate ourselves and value ourselves. Have you found you are much more self aware and kind to yourself now? I have just found an inner peace I have never known before.
      After 33 years you are an inspiration to many women who think they can’t do it.
      Thank you for your comment. Wishing you much peace and serenity in 2015
      Hugs

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  2. carmrichar

    Im at a similar point only we have a child so no contact is difficult n although I know it wasnt good for me I miss it n cant get it out of my head. Im so hurt by all that was done n struggling to figure out why? He was not physically but his narcicism was apparent n caused a lot of emotional abuse. Now Im at the point where I have several good day but major setbacks out of nowhere. He seems to be living it up while I care for our 10month old. He uses her to control me n I have no control over him. Its like I do all the work but he tries to call all the shots regarding the baby. When I exert any control he attacks. Its hard n today is a bad day. I just texted him u hurt me knowing for a narc i just fueled his narc fire…

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Carmrichar, I gave a really long answer to your other question so won’t go on and on here. I will only say this, he is calling all the shots regarding the baby because you are letting him. You have the control here, you just don’t know it.
      If you switch to email communication only, you are in control of when you talk to him and what you tolerate. In what way is he calling all the shots with the baby?
      If the only way you talk to him is via email you have the control to not discuss things that upset you, just don’t respond. You are trying to control him, instead take control. Does that make sense? Don’t ask for control, take it. We ask for respect when we should be demanding respect and not accepting less. That is where we screwed up in the beginning. We taught them how to treat us. If we would have stood up for ourselves right from the beginning he would not have been able to control us and would have walked long ago.
      So you have to set boundaries and stick to them now or he is going to control you for the next 18 or more years.
      You are no longer a victim, you are now a survivor.

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  3. Mark

    Hi Carrie,

    We all seem to be stuck in the same nightmare. However, if we didn’t have each other no one would or could understand. At least you can find the peace that you weren’t absolutely crazy! Please don’t be so harsh with yourself. You have a wonderful website that helps others not feel so alone. You’re a kind, compassionate, caring, loving woman and filled with the Holy Spirit! You are perfect just the way you are. He is a sick asshole. Remember and remind yourself this every time you miss. Here is a good website that ay help you take the focus away from him and into the greatest love story of all, starting with; you!
    http://www.melanietoniaevans.com

    Be blessed Be well.
    Holy Hugs,
    Mark

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      mark, thank you for your kind words but I am fine thanks. This post was from over 3 years ago. There have been quite a few people coming into the blog frustrated they are not healing fast enough and I actually couldn’t remember how I felt at that time in my recovery, so I went back to some old posts to show that after a full year I was still struggling.
      I could not care less what he is doing now. I am very much at peace and aside from finances my life has never been better. I have been to Melanie’s site, she has a lot of helpful information.
      Thank you for caring
      hugs right back to you.

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  4. Mark

    I apologize for the confusion Carrie. I’m new to your website, but I sincerely appreciate you sharing and reading all your stories. The pieces are finally coming together thanks to yours and others sharing. I just ended (and was discarded) the relationship with an N after 5 yrs 3 months ago. It’s been a very slow and arduous process, but day by day I separate myself further. I would recommend homeopath to anyone going through this. It’s not something you can resolve in your mind alone. It’s also highly addictive as many have shared and the withdrawals are severe and intense! Sweet Chestnut and Rescue Remedy by Dr. Bach have helped me quite a bit. I hope this helps and wish all light and love on their journey to self-discovery and recovery.

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