I went back in the blog to find some of my earlier posts when I was still struggling with no contact, nightmares about the wospos and feeling like I was getting no where with my healing.
JC and I had been split about a year, been no contact for several months and then he had shown up where I worked and apologized, I had checked his FaceBook and found out he had just gotten engaged and I had to move because the trailer park where I was living was being developed. I had been very sick with a flu and was really feeling lonely, depressed and had been having nightmares about James every night.
These are comments I got from the few people who subscribed to my blog at the time, 3 out of 5 of my followers. I have said it before, there was a handful of people who got me through the worst of it after I started the blog and I will forever be grateful. For those of you who feel you are taking too long to get over your ex, or for those who are moving along swimmingly and can’t understand why other’s seem totally stuck, some people take longer than others. I was one of the slowest learners I have ever seen on here.
The only reason I know no contact is the only way to heal is because I didn’t think I could not have contact with him, I wailed “why won’t he just leave me alone? I didn’t contact him, he is the one that always calls me.” I was stuck on victim, like a broken record, totally leaving my happiness in James’s control.
It is because I was stuck on victim and because I struggled so badly and because I found it so hard to let go that I harp on no contact now. I know I did not start to heal until I had no contact whatsoever with him. Even when I thought I was doing well, feeling stronger, not missing him; one email, one text, one phone call could send me spiralling into the pits of despair again, having nightmares and obsessing about what he meant by this or that. I couldn’t help but get angry when I would respond and then he wouldn’t reply back. He would send a text, “Hi how are you?” I would wait a day, thinking I was being so strong to not reply right away, and then he wouldn’t reply to my text and I would be angry with myself for getting sucked in again. I would wonder why he bothered to text, I would have an urge to check his FaceBook to find out what was going on in his life and sure enough he would have posted on his FaceBook something about him and her designed to hurt me.
Sometimes the victim clings to the hurt because it keeps us attached to the Narc, after all the relationship was based on him hurting us, if he continues to hurt us we are still connected, he still cares enough to hurt us. I know, that is SO unhealthy!!! but hey we ARE unhealthy after being involved with a narcissist.
Remember when you read these comments they are from Feb 2012, which is 3 years ago and I have been away from the wospos for 5 years. I don’t want to discourage people and have you all thinking “OMG I have to suffer like this for another 2 years!!??” I share what I went through so you don’t have to suffer as long as I did.
Comment from Cestlavie
I am really sorry about all this! The one thing that struck me in your post is the dreams you are continuing to have about an ex who is no good for you. I totally understand this feeling and wish that there was a remedy. My best advice is to drown it away in songs before you go to bed to try and avoid the dreams or if you are happy to have dreams of him to hold on to dont think of life as waking up from an awesome dream but rather a way to make those dreams even more precious
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I would love the dreams to stop, I left over a year ago and haven’t had any contact whatsoever for months but he haunts my subconscience and manages to torment me, usually when I am in a weakened state like being sick.
The music is a good idea unfortunately I don’t have a stereo at this time, not even a radio in my truck which is killing me because I have always used music as a release, to heal with and pour my heart out to.
I have noticed though that it seems to be just part of the healing process. I will go through these spells where I seem to be taking a step backwards with my healing but in actual fact I have pulled farther away and I’m stronger than ever.
Its as if the healing comes in waves of excruciating pain but once that wave passes it never hurts quite that bad again and it makes me even more determined to never allow him in my life again.
I didn’t know you were sick, so I am sending you a belated get well wish…
and hugs so you know I care…
I can’t understand why you would dream of JC like you do…You’re free of him now, Hon. Find it within yourself to be a peace with this. You are better off without him.
And you keep on standing up for yourself!
Deb!! Thank you!! You are a sweetheart! Put a smile on my face for sure. Strange, that is EXACTLY the way I looked when I was sick! Uncanny!! Haha
Feeling much better now thanks, still not 100% but trying to not push myself.
I don’t know what it is about JC. I truly don’t want him back, don’t even want to know how he is or what he’s doing. No desire whatsoever. I think it must have been a fever induced thing.
But I’m better.
Thanks so much for your kind words and well wishes. They worked
Dreams are how the psyche works this stuff out……….. I’m 20 years out, and I still periodically have dreams. This stuff never leaves you. It scars you and while the subconscious mind is busy working it out, new dreams, and new patterns have to take root. You can’t undo the damage of 10 years in a year………
You have a way of saying things so honestly and simply. I get impatient with myself.
I’m just further along than you are. 🙂 It’s easy to feel like once the decision to leave has been made and taken place, all the crap should just magically disappear. I mean, this is why people go to therapy as adults and have repressed memories that come back and smack them 30 years after something happened to them.
These dreams- it’s not a matter of wanting- it’s a matter of healing. And you are definitely to the point where you subconscious knows the difference.
It still takes time, of course. I think of people who have been physically burned- they go through treatment; they have healing that takes place. And while the scars may fade and they aren’t as noticeable, they are still there; just not as obvious. They may be largely ignored, until they’ve been out in the sun too long, and a soreness reminds them that the scars remain.
The same thing happens mentally. Patience is hard when we’re eager to move on completely, in every significant way………..
February 12th, 2012 at 11:24 am |
Zaaaaaaaactly right. You know, I didn’t have dreams about my ex like this but I wasn’t with him but 1.5 years. That was enough for me, when I started losing people because of him, I thought… for this ONE PERSON? I’m losing people?
Oh no. That’s not happening. When he died, that’s another story for a blog post actually. It’s very long… and we had closure because of it. Which was cool… he apologized. Which was even better… He’s happy now … which is good.February 12th, 2012 at 6:19 pm |
JC keeps apologizing and I have accepted it but it doesn’t give me closure. I think because he isn’t apologizing for real, he’s mouthing words he knows he should be saying he’s squeezing out tears at the right moment but I know its an act. I shouldn’t let it bother me I don’t know why every time I see him I feel so drained, angry and resentful. I watched him while he talked yesterday and all I kept thinking was “loser”, “bullshitter”, “asshole” yet I came home and cried.
He wasn’t as tall as I remember, or near as handsome, he looked old and worn out. He wasn’t near as big as I remembered him. I would be embarrassed to be seen with him because he really has nothing going for him so why do I cry?
I just wish he’d drop off the face of the earth.
Your ex died? Was it a deathbed apology? That’s kinda bitter sweet. I’m glad you got that closure.