Life Throws Curve Balls Whether We Like It or Not

I have been absent the last little while, a snowstorm had me without power for a day and 1/2, and then without internet for another day and 1/2 so I got horribly behind on comments what with Christmas and all just prior to the snow and ice.

I have been doing a lot of thinking, weighing the pros and cons, looking realistically at my situation and have had to make some hard choices. I am still mulling over exactly how I am going to execute some of my decisions but I will share the decisions I have made with you now and fine tune them later. Perhaps writing things out will help me sort through my thoughts.

The problem: what else? money of course. I have been flying by the seat of my pants for a couple of years now and it is just not working. I never started the blog thinking it was going to make me money, when I started the blog I still had my truck and was thinking I was going to somehow pull myself out of the financial ruin I was in. I didn’t have a clue about blogging when I started it and I still don’t know much, certainly not how to make it pay. The bit of advertising makes me close to $100 a month and people have been very generous with their donations. Help from family and donations are what has gotten me through until now. But I am always behind the 8 ball, so any money I get is gone before I can blink, then another month goes by and the same monthly bills come in and I am right back behind the 8 ball again, which is terribly stressful.

People have said to write a book, which is something I definitely hope to do, but even IF it did sell, I am not going to make enough to live on and how do I support myself in the meantime?

It has been suggested I use one of the many fundraising sites on the net, and I have done that once a couple of years ago and made about $700. I hate to tell you all this, but people are much more apt to give to a cat who needs an operation than a woman who is trying to help other women who have been abused. Same applies to Kickstart, wanna produce a movie about fashion, travel or some other “fun” topic you will get 200% funding in record time. I have gone over their old projects to see which ones got funded and which ones didn’t. Topics like homelessness or domestic abuse do not get funded, they are depressing and I think that the majority of society still feels the victims of either are in the position they are because of their own mistakes and poor planning.

I don’t even know what I would ask to be funded for, I know I want to do a program for young girls to learn to value themselves and set and protect boundaries for themselves; but I don’t feel I have the education needed to do it properly. The course I wanted to take taught exactly that; how to give a workshop and how to train other people. I would have to ask for living expenses and school costs which would run $30,000. I just don’t see me raising that much.

My schooling has not been officially denied and I might get in for the April 7th start date but that is a big maybe and I will not survive until April. I keep getting further and further behind and I just can’t keep asking for donations. My mom has said she can’t help me any more, my brother is in a different position than he was, and my son has his own responsibilities. I simply cannot live off of the generosity of other people all the time. It is too hard on my pride, too stressful and it is not sustainable. I thought it was an interim thing, but it has become a lifestyle and it is time to make some decisions. Many of the women who have blogs of this nature have husbands. I am not saying they don’t need the money as much as anyone but they are not facing eviction and not doing it all alone. I don’t have any safety net.

The woman who owns the house I was buying has some friends coming to see it this Saturday. I just have a feeling she has it sold and I am going to have to move. I don’t know where I will find a place that will take a big dog and I will be lucky to get one for under $700 a month, I only get $610 on welfare so that would mean giving up Stella, all my furniture and finding a flop house for $350-$400 a month, where you rent a bedroom and share a kitchen. Sorry, it won’t happen. I don’t know what I will do for work, anything I can find whether I can physically or not because I would rather die than give up Stella and live like that.

I know all the suggestions people will have and I have tried them all, painting is great for a little side income but I can not live on it. I am presently painting Christmas ornaments that I will be selling year round from my Etsy shop but I am just trying to build up some stock right now and even so it is not a “job”, they were really popular this Christmas and I was told I could be asking much more for them but once again what people say they would pay and what they will pay are two different things.

My biggest problem right now is; do I leave the blog up and block comments? that way the information is up but I don’t have to worry about trolls infiltrating the blog. I thought about asking for volunteers to man the blog but I hate to hand over control when my name is so tied to it so I would still have to oversee it. If there are no posts it would die a slow death, slowly dropping lower in the rankings. Right now my blog comes up in the first 10 results when “narcissist” is Googled, the fewer people who come the lower in the rankings the blog goes and I really  hate to let it die a slow sad death. I just don’t know what to do about it.

Part of me feels I am giving up on a dream but realistically a dream is great but it doesn’t pay the rent, I gave it a good run, I put my all into it and maybe it is time to let it go. I keep thinking I am giving up and I could be so close, what if my funding does come through, my education was going to work in conjunction with the blog. But if it is impossible for me to survive until April and I can’t look for work, work and do the blog. Some people do, but it is not in my nature to do anything 1/2 assed. I know me and I know I would spend days on it like I have been and I would feel I was letting people down if I didn’t reply to comments etc.

Another part of me is so angry I could spit nails. The government has had me jump through hoops for almost a year and not one of the carrots they dangled proved fruitful. I get a very strong feeling I have been “pacified” by having me collect information for this and fill out these forms, visit these schools, wasting MY time and MY money on a wild goose chase thinking it will shut me up for a while and eventually I will roll over and give up.

BC has the highest rate of domestic violence in all of Canada, yet hardly any resources to help the victims. A million dollars a day goes into the downtown eastside of Vancouver, The Sun Newspaper added up all the services in the DTES and there are 260 agencies providing services in that one small area of Vancouver. There are 18,500 people living in he dtes with 6500 of them on welfare. When they figured it out per person it worked out to each person receiving $55,000 per year in services such as affordable rentals, mental health, addictions, etc.  DTES is just a small section of Vancouver let alone BC. I am angry that if I was a hooker or a heroin addict on the DTES I would have a new apartment to live in and all my needs taken care of and they would be thrilled to educate me. But because I have always been an upstanding citizen, taxpayer and not a threat to society the government doesn’t have the money to help me.

Welfare allots $375/month for rent, yet in the welfare office is a list of affordable rentals in the area and there is nothing for less than $550 and they say that my rent is too high to get school funding. They say it would be ideal if I could find a place that was about $500 a month including utilities; I agree, if they could find me a place I would live there. it doesn’t exist.

I am totally discouraged with the process of trying to get funded to go to school, no matter what answer I give, no matter how clearly I explain the benefits to educating me, or how I justify my expenses they are never happy. They have me fill out forms to prove I can not do the work I used to do and now they are concerned I am not physically able to sit in a class room all day but they denied me disability benefits. I provided them with all the info they requested and then they ask me the same questions, I doubt anyone even read my funding package. They are willing to pay for an education I can’t use and pay my living expenses for 52 weeks instead of paying for me to attend a “Life Skills Coaching” program because they don’t like the name Life Skills Coach and they are afraid there won’t be any job openings for a life skills coach. YET all of the government statistics predict a steady increase in the need for life skill coaches well past 2020. I get so frustrated with the idiocy of it all I want to tell them all to stick it where the sun don’t shine. I have no tolerance for ignorance and people who insult my intelligence. I have worked from the age of 12, and always worked, always paid taxes, I owed homes and paid property taxes, I was a business owner and paid taxes. If they found a dog living in the conditions I lived for over a year, they would remove the dog and charge the owner with animal neglect. But that is the whole problem, that is why they have the high rate of domestic abuse in BC, because women are not respected and not deemed worthy of help.

It is just another form of abuse in my eyes, another instance of ignoring the facts and proof that my needs and the needs of all abused women are not a priority.

I really have to stop talking about it because I end up getting so stressed and angry.

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3 thoughts on “Life Throws Curve Balls Whether We Like It or Not

  1. January always seems to be a month of reevaluating my life. It’s a time I take a hard look at the past year and admit the things that worked for me and the things that didn’t. I can pretty much say today that almost nothing I did last year worked for me the way I had hoped. I have many important and hard decisions to make in the next few weeks. Sadly, I have zero confidence in my decision making skills lately, which is part of the lovely baggage the narcissist leaves you with when you realize you were manipulated and living in denial for decades.

    What did work for me last year? The first good news was finding out that being alone is peaceful, empowering, and not nearly as scary as I had imagined. Then I found out who really cared about me and who cared less, which was a real eye opener and perhaps way harder than admitting he never cared. There were some sweet surprises in this to realize new acquaintances and even strangers stepped in and filled that void.

    What I do know about 2015 is that it’s time to close my small business, it’s time to get a decent job with steady hours and benefits, it’s time to find affordable housing, and it’s time to work on forgiveness for myself first and then those who devalued and discarded me. It’s time to practice setting and sticking to healthy boundaries and one last thing, which Carrie mentioned a few posts back, which struck me hard, was to start doing things for others for the sheer joy of doing it, and not with the expectation that it will make them love me. I am certain that every loving thing I have ever done in my life up til now was done with the expectation that they would love me back with the same depth and unconditional love that I felt for them. Urggghh…how did that work out for me…not so well.

    I sit here with no income, no unemployment benefits because of ten years of small business ownership, and a huge burden of debt and rent. My future seems like a giant blank page and I have no idea what should go on those pages. But I do know what isn’t going to go on those pages and that it living every day in fear because the man who lays beside me sleeping soundly in my bed is going to get up with a smile on his face in the morning and stick it to me every way he can for the sheer joy of watching me squirm, cry and emote in ways he jealously can never understand. Never again will I sit under his predatory stare, which I mistook for loving admiration, and be subjected to his cruelty. I am free. I can make a new life, and while I still have breath, I have a purpose in this world, I still belong and I still have great value.

    I can’t send you money at this time, and I share your desperation at reaching mid fifties, incomeless, and weary as hell. But my therapist insists that women like us were targeted because of our strength and because of our resourcefulness and so I believe God will use those things to make a way where no way can be seen. And mostly, I am proud to be here this morning in your company because you are ladies full of grace, full of love, and willing to set your own burdens down when needed to encourage another who is coming behind you and struggling with something you have already worked through. Your honesty and encouragement means more than you will ever know to so many you will never know.

    Yeah, it sucked to read that pain is still in your life four years later when I am so tired of it after 9 months. But, it is good to hear you speak the truth and to warn that trying to bury it and deny it, because family and friends think you can and should is wrong. Because you took the time to record this message on your blog, I can re read that post which is bookmarked on my ipad and remind myself they don’t know, and that I am okay! That will make a huge difference in my weeks ahead, in my forgiveness toward myself, and in my progress of healing.

    With or without the schooling you seek, you are already doing life coaching and you are good at it! You are good at it because you speak from your heart, from what you know and lived, and you are making a difference! As I pray for God to direct me how I should go I will be praying the same for you, and somehow I am certain God is going to do just that and in a way that someday we can sit back and give him all the credit for where he brings us. There will be no doubt that He did it rather than the government, or parents, or another lover, or our own wits! It is going to be good and I believe that with all my heart.

    “For I know the plans I have for you,” says The Lord, “they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jer. 29:11

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  2. Don’t give up Carrie , I’m in a similar position with Four children .
    Your posts keep me going .
    yesterday I was told to be nice to my husband whom I left last year he’s an airline pilot and we went out to live in the Middle East , a comfortable financial place , but having found more child porn on his computer and wanting to die every day due to his emotional abusive nature . I was left with no choice .

    I’m living at my mothers house , my mum has been on the sofa for nearly a year now , I can’t find a house big enough and he’s still crazy making but only with money and contact issues .

    I want to keep giving up but we can’t , we just can’t ! 🙂

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