These 8 Dating Rules Will Protect You From a Narcissist/Psychopath

So you have been to hell and back, taken the time to heal, done a lot of self-reflection and feel you are ready to start dating again but you are afraid your “picker” is faulty or that you are a narcissist magnet. How can you guarantee you don’t end up in another toxic relationship?

Before you even think about dating again, I have a few questions for you;

– How long has it been since your relationship with the narcissist ended?

– Did he discard you or did you leave the relationship?

– Why do you want to start dating again?

Why are these questions important?

Victims need to take sufficient time to heal before they even think about dating again. A relationship with a narcissist is nothing like any relationship you have had previously, you are not going to heal as quickly and healing requires a lot of self-reflection and inner healing. With a normal breakup the two parties usually remain friendly to some degree and the other person is not slandering you. Even in relationships where there was infidelity or financial ruin, both people are willing to take some responsibility for the failure of the relationship. But with a narcissist, the victim is devalued long before the relationship ends, the narcissist loathes the victim, and is intent of assassinating the victim’s good character. Not only is the victim blamed for the failed relationship, according to the narcissist the victim has NO redeeming features and is nothing more than garbage.

The victim is quite literally left a shell of the person they used to be. The same techniques used to break the spirit in a prisoner of war, cult member or even in some cases delinquent teens in some boot camps; have been used on the victim leaving them a “clean slate” to rebuild themselves from. It is important for the victim to take the time to put themselves back together. (another post).

How many of you have had someone try to console you by saying, “Some day you will find someone who will love you just the way you are.” or “The best way to get over an ex is to get under someone new.” That may work in normal breakups but it is deadly when trying to recover from a narcissist. To rely on someone else to make you feel good about yourself, valued and loved is akin to wearing a T-shirt with “Narc Target” printed on it.

mask dating

So…….. you have done the necessary work to heal and feel ready to date; whether you are actively looking for love on internet dating sites or just taking the “if it happens it happens” approach; you need to set your boundaries. Setting boundaries long before you start dating is going to make the dating process much less confusing. If you do not know your “deal breakers”, sit down and write out the things that you will not tolerate from a romantic partner and refer to them often. If a person doesn’t have set boundaries when they are confronted with a situation they feel uncomfortable about it is too easy to compromise their values, by setting boundaries and not allowing anyone to cross those boundaries you are giving yourself guidelines so you know when you are being disrespected and have the conviction to defend your boundaries. You must decide what your boundaries are, they vary from person to person. You will have “deal breaker” boundaries where you don’t even try to work through the problem, if these things appear you simply walk, no discussion. There is one deal breaker that everyone should adhere to and that is;

– Never ever under any circumstances get involved with a married person. If they are cheating on their present partner they WILL cheat on you, you are not special, their ex is not psycho and he is not going to change because of your special love. If you are already involved when you find out he (or she) is married, walk……….not only are they married, they lied to you.

Now for the 8 Dating Rules For Protecting Yourself from a Narcissist:

1. No sex too soon, there is no rush; once a woman has sex with a man her brain releases certain pheromones that make her more trusting and fall in love easier.

2. No living together before a year. Enjoy dating! enjoy missing each other. Don’t be desperate, if he dumps you because you wanted to wait a year before living together then he has issues about being alone and is looking for narcissistic supply not a relationship. And if you feel you need to be with him all the time you have issues you need to work through and more than likely you are relying on him/her to make you feel good about yourself or you are gauging your value by that person.

3. Don’t give up your friends, continue to have your girl friend time, if he can’t handle it there is something wrong. On the same note, you can not get upset if he has guy time. We all need time with our friends.

4. If your friends and family don’t like him, trust their opinion, you don’t have to immediately dump him but certainly slow it down and try to look at him with realistic eyes.

5. If you find yourself walking on eggshells, watching what you say so as not to upset him, no need to go any farther.

6. If your gut is telling you that something isn’t right, believe your gut and start paying attention to when your gut reacts.

7. If you catch yourself thinking, “all he needs is a good woman, he has so much potential.” proceed with extreme caution

8. Google his name and if you meet him on a dating site Google his username. It may not reveal anything and it is not a guarantee they are being straightforward with you but it could show some very valuable information; good or bad. it could confirm what he is telling you or you may find out he is into XXX porn sites, Gay sites, or a dozen dating sites looking for casual hookups.  In BC you can go to Court Services Online and find out if a person has had any judgements against him/her just by putting their name in, no file number needed. In some cases you may be charged $6 to see the final outcome of the case. Some people feel it is being paranoid or sneaky to check someone out on-line, but with today’s technology you are crazy not to. Like I said, just because nothing shows up does not mean he is all he says he is, BUT you may just find proof he is not what he says he is.

Also,

Remember, you are both on your “best behavior”, this is the best they are going to be; never ever think you will change them. if you find yourself thinking, “he/she would be perfect if only…….’ and you can’t live with them the way they are then walk.  All people put their best foot forward in the beginning and once you  have been together a while you  both start to relax and show more of your true self.

If you have dated someone a year and none of these things have reared their head I would be willing to wager that the person is not a narcissist. There has been the odd victim who has come in and said that their ex was wonderful for years and then out of the blue turned into a monster but usually when pressed they admit there were signs long before the final discard that they ignored.

Good luck and if you do one thing right, make it be to take it slow. Love, true love takes times to grow and will not disappear if you are not glued at the hip 24/7.

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17 thoughts on “These 8 Dating Rules Will Protect You From a Narcissist/Psychopath

  1. Only Me

    All good rules that I agree with. You live and learn especially after having been worked by a narc/psycho. As of next month, I will have been out of that mess for four years! Yea. I’m wanting to move away from the this world of of talking about narcs and psychos.

    The only rules I’d like to add ios to avoid “whirlwind courtships” where s/he sweeps you off your feet! I’d also add if you find suddenly you can do nothing right in his eyes, and he’s always “criticizing” you, for your own good of course! It’s time to run like hell and don’t look back!

    At present, I’m not sure I want to date! Not because my picker is bad because I listen to my gut now, but I’m finding men my own age looking so old and ugly if I may speak frankly! They just don’t take care of themselves! My ex was ugly as homemade sin, but but I made the mistake of taking PITY on him! (another red flag ladies!).

    Recently, I found out my first love had lost his wife several months ago. Well, this intrigued me as you never forget your first love. So I friended him…I saw some good photos of him yesterday. Oh God! What can I say? You guessed it! Old and ugly! Those teenage good looks have long deserted him! Oh well, live and learn! Sorry, but I’m not into herding old goats! Not anymore! LOL.

    Take care Sweetie. Best of luck to you!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Only Me, something I hate about dating sites is you only have pictures to go by and what they say in their profile and I need to meet someone face to face. So many times I have met someone and initially wasn’t attracted to them but once I talked to them they got much more attractive. I have also dated drop dead gorgeous guys who got ugly in a big hurry once they opened their mouths.
      I am not attracted to fat out of shape guys either but I also have met men who have a bit of a tummy who I would probably never approach on line; and ended up feeling attracted to them after getting to know them. That is why I gave up on dating sites, that and I just think it is the perfect environment for a narcissist to lurk; I want to meet a man face to face.
      I know you were not on a dating site, and I am not saying you should contact this guy; I am just saying, none of us are what we were in school and maybe he is a really nice guy who would get more attractive the more time you spent with him. Just saying.
      You take care yourself.
      HUgs

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      1. Only Me

        Actually Carrie, I have contracted him. There was nothing there. Basically he replied in broken English, which is something you don’t expect ordinarily. I could stand pot bellies, a bald pate (as my ex psycho was!), and I have given a few guys a chance who’s pictures on a dating site actually did do hem justice. I could stand most anything…but my ex psycho taught me to not allow PITY to guide my actions. I am well aware that an initial lack of attraction doesn’t mean that there couldn’t be attraction later on. I’m not talking about ordinary fat and out of shape men, the plain ordinary garden variety men, but just out and out old and ugly. I gotta see something in his nature that tells me there might be something to be attraction in the future. I was aware my first love was no longer young and was a mature looking man of advanced years. I could stand that! But it quickly became clear that my former Prince Charming had turned into a road Still, we have a friendship, and that’s good enough for me!

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  2. Susan

    All good tips on dating, however with my experience even the narcissist is smart enough to tell you the truth that you can research on the internet. That is how they suck you in, to believe the rest of their BS. I remember last year when I spoke to his new woman she told me I. Checked him out on the internet and everything he told me is true, that is I assume why she believed his shit, I checked him out too. yes they tell you all their siblings, wives, where they were born, what they did if they were professional on Linkendon etc, they just don’t tell you everything else you are living is one big fat ass lie. they must establish credibility before they can complete whatever motive or intent they have for you.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Susan, like I said, just because you don’t find any dirt on him does not mean he is what he says he is, but you just may discover something that does reveal him to not be what he says he is.
      I was shocked when I Googled my ex’s name and username about a year prior to us splitting. Most people use the same username (or variation of it) for all the websites they visit. It is easier to remember what name they used for which site. I use the same name where ever I go also. If I changed my username on every site I would never remember later. So especially if you meet a guy on say, POF, if you Google their user name you might be surprised at what comes up. I bet you Googled his real name. People never use their real name if they are going into XXX porn sites, Gay or Casual Hookup sites.
      They are not stupid, they are highly intelligent and like I said, just because nothing shows up does not mean you can believe them.

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      1. Susan

        Carrie,
        I think you misunderstood what I said, they tell you the truth about stuff that is on the internet as far as being on other dating sites or porn etc, of course they use a fictious name. I had too much financial and personal business so in my case he was born with that name, his SS number is real etc, just the fantasy land I lived for 5 years was not real. If I had a do over in life I. Would be a great detective and yes I know so much shit about my ex, from my own research, knew some things prior, during and more after the relationship ended.
        At this point I truly don’t care, not my problem any more or ever again.

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    2. Mary Langner

      Susan, if he is a narcissist, he hates women and the only intent they have is getting you in bed. My x-narc writes a weekly newspaper article and guess what it was last week. He told about his internet dating experience. He proceeded to name the women and said that by the third woman, their eyes locked and maybe he didn’t want just casual dating. This means, of course, that they have all ready been to bed and he is working on getting her to clean his house, do his laundry and buy his groceries and “proof” his weekly newspaper article. I bet she is feeling on 7th heaven being picked. I also bet that in the next six months she will be lied to, cheated on and then told that everything is “all about him”. He will then manage to say things that she believes that she didn’t really hear. That is the no empathy thing. They have none. I would bet that she also doesn’t realize that he has an ad on Craigslist that would make her hair curl.

      I heard just last week that if you are interested in using internet dating services and want an honest-to-goodness relationship, don’t put you want someone to go out with just on weekends to dinner and a movie. If you want a lasting honest relationship, don’t beat around the bush. Say so and by doing that, you should weed out the perverts. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. You are worth it. I cannot stress it enough, educate yourself and you won’t be a victim again. May God guide your way, have a great new year!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Malia, you will know you are completely healed when he doesn’t matter any more. It’s not that I don’t think of him, with the blog it is almost impossible to not think about him but I don’t care about him any more. If I saw him somewhere I don’t know what I reaction would be but I no longer want to rip his face off, I never cry about anything he did and I no longer miss him. He is just a part of my past just like anything else in my past. I can even look back and recall fun times with him and have no longing or wish it had worked out differently. I have no “if only’s”, and I don’t blame my present situation on him either.
      And I think when you are totally healed, totally….. and that included healed from hurts you got previous to even meeting him (because after all we all have a recording going on in our heads telling us stuff about ourselves that other people put there from the time we were children and that voice in many cases is what kept us going back to the N) you don’t want a man in your life. NOT saying that you shouldn’t have a man in your life but when you are totally healed and happy within yourself you don’t NEED a man, when you have such a full life that only a man who appreciates you and contributes to your life; is good enough for you. When you meet a man and don’t think “I wonder if I am the kind of woman he wants” but think “I wonder if he is the kind of man I want in my life”.
      Personally, I am not opposed to meeting a man but I really don’t have time for one right now because I am not willing to give up any portion of my life to accommodate a man, he would have to be a very special man for me to make room for him in my life. I have never felt that way before, I no longer feel that if I don’t have a man I am lacking something or incomplete.

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  3. malia

    Thank you Carrie,

    Just because smetimes I feel kind of having some one better may be my life will change..

    I need more time because I have at this momet very much anger and can not forgive my self being with some one that I did not like at the first meeting. I feel that I WAS STUPID and not possible to get this idea out of my had it is crazy.. God help me and all those others victims.

    My also big issue that I am 34 years old and no children yet. I knew this person 2 years ago I had hope that we will have a family but I found out that he has already 2 children “he wanted I found out about his children and had done evrything he could that I was able and easily to discover it”. Was broken and he sad but I have no contact anymore with my children and he was so happy I think.. how those people are?? really terrible…

    I like the new version of your website and also your picture.

    Hugs Carrie
    Malia

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Malia, thank you, glad you like the new site, I am trying to streamline the look and thank you for the compliment about my pic, it was taken at Christmas and there are very few pics of myself that I like, but it was the best of them. LOL
      First of all, you have a lot of time to have children, women have children into their 40’s these days. My cousin was 41 when she had her first child, that gives you 9 years to have a baby. You do not want a narcissist as a father to your child, you are better off with no father at all. A lot of women choose to have a child without a man in their life also.
      But I am sure you want to have a traditional marriage and family, don’t give up that dream, keep it and nurture it visualize yourself with the love of your life and your children playing around you. Beating yourself up for making a bad choice with the N is not bringing you any closer to your dream, it keeps dragging you back into the past. There is nothing you can do about the past, except learn from it. You dodged a bullet, you saw the N before you had a child with him and now it is time to stop looking back and to look forward to all the years you have left to make anything you want to happen, happen.
      The way to happiness is not to try to be the woman a man wants but to find a man who is what you want. To be with a man because your biological clock is ticking and you want children is a recipe for disaster.
      Anyone who is desperate is a prime target for an N and if you feel desperate you will accept so much less than what you deserve. First you have to rediscover yourself and who you are, if you don’t know who you are and value that person, meeting the right man is a crap shoot at best.
      Do a self inventory. It doesn’t have to long and it is only for you to read; but right down what traits about yourself that you really like and the traits you don’t like, what traits seem to get you into situations that aren’t good for you? Write down your values, what is important to you, your dreams and what you want for yourself in the future. (don’t write down what you don’t want only what you do want in your life) describe the man you want, what he looks like, his values, his hobbies, his goals. Put the list somewhere you can read it regularly and focus on what you do want in your life, your good traits and work on changing the traits about yourself that are unhealthy for you. Read books on self awareness, Eckhart Tolle is a good one or Dr Wayne Dyer, any thing that brings you more in tune with your true self.
      The reason I recommend that is this; the more in tune you are with your true self, the more you like yourself, the more you like yourself and know yourself the less likely you are to compromise your values and less likely you are to accept less than you deserve. It also makes you much more attractive to other people, men are more attracted to women who knows and respect themselves. A healthy man does not want to complete a woman, he wants a partner and an equal, someone who knows what they want in life and won’t settle for any man just because they want a man.
      You are doing well, just keep moving forward and not back. There is nothing you can do about the past, you can only change the future.
      Hugs

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