I think much of society and the victims themselves are in denial of what a narcissist is capable of when faced with having his fragile, fabricated life exposed.
Even when I knew my truck was being sabotaged in ways that endangered my life or when I felt the need to tell someone that if anything ever happened to me, to go after my ex; I still stayed. I questioned myself, how could I love someone who I suspected could kill me? The first time he strangled me until I blacked out; as I lost consciousness and everything went black I thought to myself, “he is going to feel so bad when he realizes he killed me. How will he explain it to my son.”
I remember being shocked that he was not as worried and horrified by what happened as I was. He was on the computer and I was in the bedroom, not wanting to believe what had just happened, he had not said he was sorry, he had blamed me, called me a stupid cunt. A year earlier, if anyone would have asked me what I would do if a man ever did that to me, I would have told them, “I would be out of there so fast his head would be spinning.” But there I was in the bedroom, not packing up my stuff, not calling the police, but thinking of how bad he must feel and trying to think of a way to make it better.
I stayed 9 more years and luckily I survived it, barely. By the end of 10 years with him I was wishing he would kill me and put me out of my misery. By the end of 10 years I was sure he was going to kill me, I just didn’t know when, either that or I was going to kill myself, but I didn’t have the strength to leave any more. I knew what he was, I knew there was no love there, even during his “good” periods, it was just a feeble effort on his part and just as feeble an effort on my part to pretend to believe things would ever be different. I had grown tired and had given up, I was existing, given up on ever having better, I was dead inside, there was no joy, no hope, just acceptance that this was to be my life.
Get out, before you get to the point of acceptance.
Before you console yourself with the fact that he has never hit or strangled you watch this video. You don’t have to be physically abused to be in danger. Narcissists/psychopaths are experts at controlling their behavior, they can put on an act for years before something puts them over the edge.
JC was only physically abusive a couple of times before I left him the first time. For most of the relationship he didn’t lay a hand on me. He destroyed my stuff, called me names, sabotaged my vehicles but there was no physical abuse until the last year we were together. Even so, I didn’t fear him when he went into a rage, I feared him when he went silent. I knew if he was going to kill me, he was not stupid enough to do it in a way he would be a suspect, it was going to be planned.
I know it is hard to believe someone you know, let alone love; could ever kill you. At times, after so many years away from him I look back and think, “Maybe I imagined things”. Sometimes if I am telling someone what went on in the relationship I can see that look in the person’s eyes that tells me they don’t believe me or they think I was paranoid and imagining things. I think, “Maybe I was so emotionally drained, so depleted, I was hyper vigilant and reading things into events that weren’t true”. Then I watch a video like the one above and I know; I wasn’t imagining anything and I was one of the lucky ones that managed to get away.
Fact – Surviving a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath is a matter of how long will your luck hold out.
You are living with a time bomb, round and round you go, when he will explode no one knows; just because he has never hit you does not mean he won’t kill you.