If you see yourself in this comment please do not be offended because I don’t even remember who has done this but I have had people come into the blog and post a comment asking how to heal. Three or four people including myself will give informed, honest replies. Later, I will receive an email from the same person asking the same question. It is as if they think I have a secret formula that I don’t share on the site and if they message me privately they will be privy to the secret of healing.
They broke up with the abusive ex 2 weeks ago and want to know why they are not healed and how long will it take? will they ever be able to date again? how will they ever trust a man again? They want to “fast track” their healing, and who can blame them, it feels horrible to hurt like that. It’s scary to hurt like that, you fear that you will never stop hurting.
I really hate to break it to them that I don’t have a magic potion that can be sprinkled like fairy dust and make the pain go away. In fact I have healed for over 4 years and still am healing. I don’t want people to think they are going to hurt like this for 4 years, but healing is not an overnight sensation, it takes time and if you put a band-aid on the pain by dating too soon you more than likely will be here again.
I have said it many times, it takes time to heal, be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself and stop putting pressure on yourself to “just get over it.” Yeah its’ maddening that he appears to have gone off with the ‘love of his life” and isn’t suffering in the least while you are in so much pain you can barely function. That train of thought will only make you hurt more; you have to (yes I said HAVE to) do a lot of self counseling and remind yourself over and over again that he is disordered, he doesn’t feel like a normal person and the fact that he can leave the relationship with you and immediately find his “soul mate” is proof he is disordered. If you were able to walk away without a backwards glance and find a new love you would be disordered also. Your pain is a sign that you are a normal, feeling, caring human, unlike the devil in disguise you have been sleeping with.
Personal growth is often brought on by some traumatic event but it doesn’t have to be a negative experience if you tackle it with the right mind-set. If life was rainbows and unicorns all the time there would be no need self-reflection and we wouldn’t want to change or better ourselves. Maybe you aren’t experiencing what I did, but some of you may be able to relate. The extent of the damage done by the narcissist varies according to how strong the victim was, how long the relationship lasted, how evil the narcissist was and if the victim had a support system. The first few times JC and I split I was in a lot of pain but it was not until the last time we split that I felt I had been stripped of everything that made me who I was. I know now that JC wanted me back because he had not done a good enough job destroying my soul; I had been able to carry on. By the time he was done with me the last time I can’t even describe the state I was in except to say, I was empty and didn’t even know who I was any more, nothing gave me joy, nothing about myself felt natural, I had no confidence.
The only thing I can compare it to what they do to cult members, they break the person through brainwashing. I did a series of posts on the topic of brainwashing last March you will find them here:
I don’t know when it happened but at some point my healing (my reconstruction or rebirth) stopped being about my ex and more about me. I stopped trying to find the “old me” and started trying to be “the best me”. It stopped being a painful process and became an adventure and I began to enjoy the challenge. I continue to research, explore, and evaluate my beliefs, boundaries and personality traits and I expect this journey to continue until the day I die.
Scott got me thinking about this subject, (that’s what I like about Scott’s blog; he gets me thinking) when I read his post today.
I hope those of you trying to be your old self will embrace the opportunity to be the best you, something the narcissist can never do. A narcissist does not see the need to change or improve, everyone else should change to accommodate him. What a shallow, one-dimensional, limiting existence; to never grow, to always be disappointed by the people in your life, to go through life expecting someone else to make you happy and it never happens. He/she is on an endless merry-go-round of trauma, drama, disappointment, and unmet expectations, surrounded by inferior people. In his desperate attempts to control his partner and his unreasonable expectations of someone else to provide his self-worth and happiness he lives a pitiful life where he can never let his true self show because he knows society will reject him if he ever did.
But YOU, you CAN change, you can grow, you can find pleasure in yourself, you can find happiness and you can be awesome!!