Why Does He Hate Me and Why Do I Care?

Why does it hurt so bad when he treated you so badly?

I hate to break it to you, but although your heart is breaking and the love you felt for him is real, part of the reason it is so hard to get over him and you hurt so bad is your ego.

ego

Right from the start we were in a mating dance with the narcissist and we fell for the oldest tricks in the books, he played to our ego and we folded and drank the poisoned kool-aid.  I remember when JC and I first started dating he complimented everything I did. I knew I was good, I was used to men thinking I was pretty great (I know that sound egotistical but it is the truth. I had never had a hard time getting men or keeping them. I had usually done the breaking up. I was a perfectionist, I worked at being the perfect partner. I am not saying it was healthy, and I gave up being perfect and am much happier being me) I was confident, I knew men found me attractive, I was a flirt, I was good in bed, I was an excellent cook, I WAS a good communicator, I treated men well,  I did have a good sense of humor, I was a good girlfriend and I didn’t need a man.

So for him to praise me was not unusual for me but even I found myself thinking, “Come on I know I’m good but I’m not THAT good.” I mean everything I did was exceptional in his eyes and………………………. I was so different from his exs. THAT was the big hook, he threw the bait and I caught it. We all want to be the best, better than all the rest. Him making us feel we are better than the rest has two benefits for him.

1. We feel special and like no one will ever appreciate us like that again and we feel we are loved exactly the way we are. That is very rare, we don’t want to lose that.

2. We try harder. He has told us we are better than his exs and we want to keep that standing so when he mentions that his ex drove him away with her suspicious mind, we check ourselves and ignore red flags that tell us he is unfaithful. When he tells us his exs took advantage of his good nature and never appreciated him we make sure we don’t take him for granted and appreciate every little thing he does for us. We go out of our way to prove we are in it for love and when he needs to borrow money or whatever we are happy to oblige because we want to show how much we appreciate him. After all he has told us how generous he is and we know if the roles were reversed he would do the same for us.

When he tells us we are calm and rational not like his ex we make sure to not start a fight and end up walking on egg shells because we don’t want to be like his exs, even if he does something really hurtful we try to talk about it rationally and calmly. So when he tells us WE cause conflict we try even harder to not upset him, not falsely accuse him, we let fights go because we can’t stand it when he is angry and we are afraid of losing him, like his exs did.

When the mask drops completely and he starts to find fault in everything we try harder to please him and get back to our position of being “the best”.

I remember shortly after JC and I started living together he was upset that I never helped him in his shop. I did everything in the house, he did not do a dish, he didn’t even take his shoes off at the door. I did the laundry, the cooking, yard work, house work and I worked full-time. He spent all his time in his shop, I even took his supper out to him. I thought he wanted alone time, now he was saying I never helped. So when he got a load of firewood and bucked it up I stacked it in the wood shed while he was gone one day. He came home, took one look in the wood shed and started ranting about how I had done it all wrong and he was going to have to take it all out and restack it himself. I was hurt and it was just the start of a long and insidious campaign on his part to destroy my self-confidence.

We end up twisting ourselves into pretzels trying to please him and win back “first place”. All of a sudden he starts to remember things about his exs that weren’t so bad. His one ex had understood him like no woman ever had, he didn’t even have to tell her what was wrong and she knew. I tried to not take that bait but it ate away at my subconscious.

don't gamble what you can't afford to lose

Also, another human trait is; the more we have invested the more apt we are to stick around. Like a gambler at the poker table who is losing and instead of walking away after losing a few hundred stays, thinking he has to win back what he has lost. If he leaves he has no chance of recouping his losses so he keeps betting and keeps losing, maybe he has a small payout once in a while to keep him hooked but never enough to break even so he keeps betting and with every bet he is making it harder and harder to leave the table because with every bet he is more committed. It is very common.

In a relationship with a narcissist it could very well be money you have invested in the relationship but you can also have emotion invested, your boundaries, values, your heart. Every time you forgive him you are investing in the relationship and you may be thinking “eventually I will get sick of it and walk away” or “If it ever happens again I am out of here” or “I will forgive this but if I ever catch him cheating that is IT”. Every single time you have thought “just this once” you unwittingly invested more into the relationship and made it harder for yourself to walk away.

Every time you found yourself explaining to him why you were upset and thought “this time he understands and will stop” you were investing in the relationship and making it harder to walk away. Because you keep thinking, “maybe this time he’s got it and he will change and then everything will be perfect like it used to be.” When he dumps you and immediately finds his “soul mate, love of his life” it is like you are the gambler in a casino who finally walks away from the one-armed bandit he was playing only to see the next person sit at the same machine and win the big jackpot. You are sure that this new woman is going to reap all the rewards of your sacrifices and hard work.

gambling problem

 

It is human nature to want to be liked and loved. Even if we don’t especially like someone, we want them to like us. I am sure you have felt it even with a female friend. She is your BFF and then one day you hear that she went out with another friend and you weren’t invited; you are going to have hurt feelings, you might wonder what you did to offend her and you may talk to her about it and ask if you did something to piss her off. If she has decided to not be your friend any more you are going to be hurt. If she refuses to tell you why she doesn’t like you anymore you are going to obsess about what you might have done to cause her to stop being your friend.

It makes total sense that you are devastated when the man who thought you were “The Best” demoted you to “the worst” and there is another woman in top spot.

Logically you can tell yourself he is a narcissist, it was all an act, he never loved you and he treated you like crap and you should be happy he is gone but your instincts are telling you to “win him back”. Even if you don’t want him in your life, you want to be the one to walk away and reject him. 

Most of us had taken them back so many times, as sick as it was we had resigned ourselves to the fact that it was “just the way we are”; break up, he doesn’t call for a while, then he pops back into your life and you fall back into his arms and things are good for a while (but never as good as last time and the good times are shorter) and then the cycle starts over. It is what you are used to, now you think, “No other woman would ever put up with what I do.” “He will never find a woman who loves him as much as I do.”

The feelings of love grow even stronger for you the more he pushes you away because it is against your better judgement to accept the way he treats you. You are acting totally out of character and accepting things you never would from anyone else, it must be love, a love stronger than either of you. No matter what you always end up back together. Then out of the blue he has someone else and you are D.U.M.P.E.D. and he has found a woman who loves him as much as you did in fact he is telling you she loves him BETTER than you ever did. Ouch!!!

Now imagine you are that gambler that lost his shirt in the casino and not only did you lose everything you find out that the whole thing was rigged and you never had a chance of winning. He would be beside himself with anger and indignation, and imagine how he would react if he went into the casino and confronted them on the fact that he knows it was rigged and he was duped and they flat-out deny it, blame him for his own stupidity, call security and have him thrown out, call the cops and say he is crazy and causing a disturbance.

Same thing only a love relationship.

So how do you stop ruminating about his new love and how hurt you are? You face facts.

1. People fall out of love every day and they are not narcissists, it happens to people all the time and they survive. Yes he was especially cruel about it but none the less accept that it is over.

2. When you catch yourself imagining how happy they are, stop it! visualize how horribly he is going to treat her down the road or better yet visualize you doing something that makes you really happy (fantasizing about how great it could have been with the ex does not count)

3. Admit that you were not happy in the relationship and you are pining away over the illusion of a loving relationship, how you wanted things to be, what you hoped it would be; not what it was.

4. Admit your ego is hurt, your pride. He did a real number on your self-esteem. He duped you, no one likes to be made a chump. Accepting the bad treatment was ok when you thought you were doing it out of love but to find out he was just playing with you all that time means you were a sucker and all of a sudden all the mistreatment is NOT ok, NOW you can see the abuse clearly; without the rose-coloured glasses on it is pretty ugly.

5. And the last one, the real kicker, the coup de gras; you were so proud of yourself to be better than all the rest, you felt so special and well lets face it……superior to the other women who came before you and now you are a psycho bitch just like all the rest and that great big light bulb goes on and you have the epiphany that you were never better than them, you are just like the other women, and there was probably a one watching with a broken heart while he was professing his undying love to you and calling her a psycho bitch.

How do you deal with it? I will say it again. Be patient with yourself, read up on narcissists, work on being the best you can be, NO CONTACT, stop torturing yourself, it does no good so stop it!!! retrain your brain to think of other things besides him. And most of all, stop with the “if only’s” .

 

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18 thoughts on “Why Does He Hate Me and Why Do I Care?

  1. This post was bang on for me in explaining why I stayed with one classic narcissist and one who was part narcissist and part something else (that I haven’t quite identified yet). A large part was being so special until of course one day I was not. I absorbed the messages he was casually slipping out as to what kind of woman he wanted and tried to be like that. When it was clear he was dragging me down, stealing from me, gaslighting me, I kept trying to leave but I had invested so much in him that I kept trying to salvage something from the relationship to recoup some of my losses.

    With the second one, I married him and adopted 2 children with him. He led a double life, compulsively picking up prostitutes while refusing to have sex with me. I blamed myself for our sexual problems. Then I started thinking he was gay. My world blew apart when I found out he had fallen in love with a drug addicted working prostitute. He was home regular hours, didn’t work with women, and had no female friends I knew of. The truth came out that he was a sex addict (that wouldn’t have sex with me -how ego shattering), that this had been going on for years- before we met, while dating and living together, and after the marriage and adoptions. His mother later told me she knew all about his prostitution fixation and assumed I knew and married him anyway. She blamed me for “letting myself go” after the adoption of our 2 babies, born 16 months apart. He didn’t help with the childcare so I guess I let myself go for being sleep deprived for 2 years.

    He went downhill for 5 years after that, becoming heavily immersed in the drug world. He then found religion, married a woman he met at church, and they had 2 pregnancies 12 months apart. They are still marginally in my life because of our children although he rarely sees them as he lives so far away in the same town you do. I was very jealous of their pregnancies and their gushy gushy comments about each other on Facebook until I noticed something weird. Every vacation spot they go to are the same ones we went to, including the same hotels. Creepy. My kids say he rarely spends time with his new kids either. It’s like he’s trying to recreate the life we had together and it seems as phony as a $3 Bill. He has narcissisistic tendencies but some other pathology as well that I just can’t put my finger on.

    This was a great insightful post and it helped me understand myself a bit better. Sorry to have rambled on for so long. Thanks Carrie!

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  2. Another great article Carrie, I cried because it was so accurate and was like reading about myself and my story with the ex. I told you I was now seeing a counselor and I have to thank my ex for that because I would never have done it if I wasn’t at an all time low after the way he treated me and I would never had found you either if I hadn’t been looking for answers.

    I won’t go into this too much because we are all different and what might help some might not be useful for others but my counselor told me she thought I was ready to read about External & Internal Locus of Evaluation and I am so glad I did because for me everything seemed to fall into place and helped me understand so much about myself. Having said that if I hadn’t started the process of my healing by reading your articles I really don’t think I would have been ready to accept or understand what my counselor was suggesting I do.

    Again I’m not saying I’m 100% better because I still have my moments of thinking about him but oh my goodness I am so much happier within myself more than I have been for a long long time even before the narcissist came into my life.

    x

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  3. Thank you Carrie for posting tonight. I just had ‘the conversation’ with my soon to be ex N a few hours ago. After 17 years of enduring his cheating & emotional abuse while working my butt off (& trying to keep up appearances) he has unceremoniously dumped me -without an explanation. I go back & forth between feeling relief & extreme sorrow. He’s a freaking cheating, know-it-all jerk who has basically bankrupt me but yet I am stupidly weeping over the loss of our relationship. I have yet to meet his new N supply but I know I will soon. My rational brain says I’m on my way to a better, healthier life but my heart is aching in pain. I feel like I am going insane due to this contradiction. I will re read your post over & over until it sinks in. Thanks for this timely blog & the other posts that I read religiously. You have helped me more than you can imagine.

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  4. Boy Carrie, I have asked myself this ever day for 20 months. And yes I knew it had something to do with my ego…how could he think so little of me after so long? I tried so long and so so hard to make him care about something more than his clothes, and his hobbies and what he was going to eat next.

    I feel sick at what I threw down decade after decade at the crap table. I actually told the girlfriend via text message that I had earned the right after so long to spend my old age with him. It sucks to still care. It sucks that I put up with absolute crap and he did not appreciate one minute of my efforts. In fact, that is why he hates me….because the more I cared and forgave and loved, the more I showed him up for what he could never do or feel or be.

    Yeah he calmly walks away completely carefree and loved by a crowd of admirers who praise his strength and consistency. I bet he never missed even one hour of sleep with a guilty conscience and never spent five minutes wondering what if. It is true that all his loyal admirers, the people who I built my life around for all of my adult years, turned their backs on me, shunned me for falling apart, for crying buckets, taking antidepressants, seeking professional help and bouncing between pitiful zombie and crazy ranting wild woman.

    But something is changing over the last couple of months. Something snapped in my head and heart over the lonely strange holidays. Maybe I am accepting things a bit, maybe I got tired of thinking about things, maybe I decided to get up and fight for a better life. I don’t know really what it was or exactly when, but I only cried once this week. And it was a very good cry, a cry of letting go of some anger, and realizing he couldn’t give me what he couldn’t feel. The game was rigged. I did leave the crap table broke. But those feelings that I have struggled with for so long, the one screaming why and how, demonstrate I am more than barely alive,

    I have a soul, and I am capable of great love and resilient hope. I am going on and I will at least love myself. I can at least appreciate that I am capable of great love. It didn’t go out the door with his luggage. It remains in my heart and I can lavish it on myself or my family, my pets, my neighbors, and anyone I choose. My heart is not dead. I feel it stirring. I live. I pity him in a way because all those overwhelming feelings make me a part of humanity. It is something he will never feel. I didn’t loose it all at the crap table after all. When I got up and walked away, I won.

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    1. Exactly Tracy you won, and don’t forget it. He is the disabled one and always will be. If a person is blind they can learn braille, they can make hearing aides for the deaf, they can even transplant organs and make artificial limbs but they haven’t invented a way to give someone a soul. He loses. You got to heal and go on a smarter more aware person and he continues on his merry path of destruction oblivious to the feelings of others a shallow imitation of a human being. what a waste of skin.
      Keep looking to the light, there is a wonderful life waiting for you

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  5. Hi everyone,my baby daddy hates me.every time we had a fight he always tells me that he hates me and he wish I can just perish so that he wont see me again.everytime we fight I always beg and apologise for everything.sometimes i’ll go by his house just to make things he will chase me away shout at me calling names that I’m stupid why I cannot see that hes no longer inlove with.the other he beat me I had braids on my hair he actualy tired a knot at his house cupboard cz he wanted to close his door room so I wnt be able to enter.again I was the one apologising to him for everything.he tells me he don’t like anymore I must move on with my life.i love him its so hard

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    1. Manini, I know it is hard but you have to stay away! it is like withdrawal from a drug at first but it will get easier. Even if you want him back, begging is not the way to do it; with any man.
      I don’t know if he is a narcissist or not but if you want him back the best way is to get on with your life and stop contacting him.
      For your own self confidence and pride stop contacting him. You can do it!! it is hard but you will survive and you have no choice, you can’t keep doing this, he could get a restraining order against you. You have to get control of yourself and just stop!

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  6. Thank you for sharing… Like my best friend said”Bottom line all guys are dogs.. But you will meet one that you can train and he will be loyal and faithful you have to be patient, forgiving, loving and caring. You can’t be to nice, can’t be to mean.. Keep one eye open, and remember if you find out he cheated on you, played you, used you give it to God, let God step in and show that person what it feels like.. When my ex would break up take off, and go out meet new women. It hurt at first, But i started to meet new people and didnt care after a while. But he kept coming back… Finally told him u trying to play me? The only one that got played was you! All you did was show me that your a coward, liar, a user u are. how sad. I feel sorry for you, your pathetic, don’t want you, and I definitely don’t need you.. I told him I will let God deal with you.. As for me life goes on and I won’t let someone like you get the best of me.. Wish you the best in life, and take care.. It was hard at first moving on, but I met someone better and treats me good…

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  7. This was a great post for me. My Narcissistic ex ended our 5 yr rship 7 mths ago. I found out he was cheating online over 2 yrs ago but kept telling myself he Waa just looking, not meeting. I never told him I knew. Then 7 mths ago he left and I later found out that he met several girls and is now seeing one seriously. . So he said we’d stay friends, but was clear after a few mths that he was pulling away quicker than I could see!! So last mth I found out he blocked me. I was ok for 6 weeks, trying to move on. I called him today from a private number, he answered. I said hi it’s me… And he hung up? I’m shattered!! I didn’t do anything wrong!!! He is a lying using pr-ck, and he hangs up.on.me!!!! Wtf!! I want to get an explanation. I want him to change his mind. I so upset!!! Please help

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  8. I thank God for leading me to this article. I just prayed a prayer in the parking lot of T-Mobile about this race and hate for me from mg recent Ex boyfriend. You have helped me so much. I saw myself in your piece and it matched the double life and pathological lies he leads to a T. Even the stripper story, etc.

    I can close this chapter not caring or wondering any further about this toxic man. I was stuck and this piece unstuck me. Thank you.

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  9. I’m in the fight to get #1 spot back and you’re right its killing me. Why can’t I see it for what it is? Why can’t i get over it? I feel like for 6 years everything I have done…even cleaning the house… was for him. I have children what the hell is wrong with me? I’ve never even had a mean bad boyfriend before. How did i fall so hard and why do I still want him back. How do I forget him? And will I ever be able to love again? I feel like he owns me heart body and soul. I’m devastated. Help me get over this. I am starting a yoga plan… planning on obsessing over myself for awhile. But I have thought of him almost every minute for years. How do i fix myself???? I’m truly frightened.

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    1. Pam, it is not going to happen in a day! you have to be patient with yourself and allow yourself to hurt. It is going to hurt!!! You are going to cry, you are going to want to die, you will think you can’t survive without him; but you can!! You will never forget him!! you will never be the same person you were before you met him, you can be better! don’t even think about loving again! grieve this love first! I don’t know why victims of narc abuse think they should be able to walk away and a day later want to date! Have you never broken up with a guy before? did you date the next day? We all need time to grieve the ending of a relationship, no matter how bad it was. LOnger actually if it was really abusive.
      I suggest you do as much reading as possible, educate yourself about narcissist so you understand what he is and what you have been through. Knowledge is power, especially when dealing with a narcissist.
      Stay no contact!!!! it is the only way to start healing.
      Keep commenting and reaching out, it is a long journey but one well worth taking. No one else can fix you except you, but you have come to the right place to start doing that.
      Welcome
      Hugs
      Carrie

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  10. I’ve been divorced for ten years now and I’m still not understanding why this man who told me everyday without fail just how much he loved me. We were married for 19 years and then on Mother’s Day he asked me how much money it costs to keep the bills paid each month. Why would he be asking such a strange question. Within a month of that question he was moving out and I couldn’t figure out what was happening. He said that he was depressed and having panic attacks, come to find out two months after he moved out he was living with another woman whom he apparently has been having in a relationship with for quite some time and I never suspected a thing. I was out of my mind in pain and his comment was “It is what it is” to this day I hate it when people say that phrase. Since then he’s moved on to at least four other women and now he is living with one who apparently treats him like crap. So now he says that he hates his life. What sick is that I keep trying to befriend him simply because I want to crush him he crushed me, I know that’s wrong but that’s simply what I want to do. I don’t feel that any man would ever be attracted to me again simply because my ego is shattered. I know the steps that I need to take to move past this but for whatever reason it doesn’t seem to work for me.

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  11. I’m reading my letter that I posted yesterday and I sound like a obsessed crazy woman, I’m not at all, I’m just so confused as to why this is happened. I truly wish that I could rise above all of this but my heart and mind won’t let me. I would give anything to be able to move on and be happy with who I am. That’s it! That’s what I want for Christmas, my heart and my mind. Thanks for letting me ramble on. Have a Merry Christmas

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