So many victims worry that they will never find love again, never be able to trust again or find a love as intense as the love they had with the narcissist.
I want to dispel your worries and here are the reasons why I still believe in love and romance.
One of the reasons the love with the narcissist was so intense was the uncertainty. Yes it was a whirlwind romance and he swept you off your feet and was everything and more than you ever dreamed in a partner but it didn’t take long for the mask to start slipping. Most victims had some pretty early indications something was not quite right but they were little slips that the N quickly covered up with sweetness and lies but it was the start of the uncertainty, it triggered that little part inside you that feared losing what you had found. These little events put just a touch of self-doubt in your mind and were the start of much worse things to come.
There is no way a couple knows for sure that they have a love that will last within the first few months. You may feel very attracted to the person, you may really enjoy their company, you may feel spend all day daydreaming about them and counting down the hours until you see them again but it can not be true, everlasting love. Not that quickly!
Any couple that met and married in a couple of months and lasted were lucky, that is not the norm. Love takes time to grow.
I will let you in on a little secret, when there is conflict early in the relationship, I mean big fights where you break up or say horrible things, one person is accusing the other of infidelity, or one is snooping on the other’s phone and computer for evidence, or one is caught in lies, or disrespects the other person; walk away because they never work. I have seen couples that seem to really care for each other yet they are forever breaking up and getting back together, it never works out. I can see that a couple might break up once and realize they made a mistake but if you find yourself constantly break up only to get back together a day or two later to hang in there is only prolonging the inevitable. You WILL break up for good, better now than 10 years down the road. You are investing precious time and possibly money into something that will never be what you hoped it was.
Narcissists are not afraid of commitment, they will marry you, but that is not because they aren’t afraid to commit it is because they have no problem lying. They will marry you if that is what it takes to get your money or whatever they want from you. A normal person won’t go into a huge commitment like marriage unless they really mean it but a narcissist doesn’t feel guilt so they can quite easily promise “til death do we part” and two hours later screw the maid of honor in the bathroom.
So far it doesn’t sound like I am promoting relationships, I sound pretty negative; and I AM negative about narcissists!
What is the answer? Where is the love? How do you meet someone?
The fact that true is hard to find is not a good reason to jump into commitment with the first guy willing to commit.
“Because he loves me so much” is NOT a good reason to love someone.
Remember a narcissist will tell you anything he has to in order to hook you, he will be your dream guy, custom-made for you; BUT he is not real and cannot possibly keep the facade up forever.
Just as you cannot change and be something you are not. Women have to change how they approach dating. Instead of worrying about being what the man wants, taking on his interests (trying new things is great, a person should always stay open to new experiences as long as you keep your own interests) dressing the way he wants, wearing your hair the way he wants, having the friends he wants you to have, is not how you build a lasting relationship, because you can’t keep it up either. Eventually you will resent having to be something you are not. If he is finding things he wants to change in you and you have only been dating a few months it is a sure sign that you will never be able to please him and the demands will never stop.
I have seen women do this my whole life; they meet a guy and change into the woman he wants, they don’t mind him drinking with his buddies, they go fishing with him even though they hate the smell of fish, they cook for him every weekend but really wish he would take her out or she goes over and cleans his house, secretly resenting that now she is cleaning two house but she thinks once we are a couple I won’t have to clean two houses because we will be living together. Or they think once we are married he will stay home with me at night and not go to the bar with his buddies. Then they get married and are pissed when he still wants to go to the bar with his buddies every night, she stops going fishing and bitches because he still wants to go. It does not mean that either one of them is a narcissist, it means she thought “he has potential, I can mold him into the man I want”. The minute you find yourself thinking a guy has potential and you are the woman to save him from himself you should be heading out the door. It does not mean he is a bad person it means he is not the man for you. No one is at fault. Not every man you find attractive is going to be the man you should marry. It seems to me women, more than men; tend to start dating a guy and if he seems the least bit interested she sets out to “make it work”, you are not flawed if you are not every man’s dream woman.
I will be honest, I remember dating guys who I was not that into and then I had sex with them and all of a sudden my feelings for them were much more intense. It is human nature, it is the way women are made. If you want to keep your head on straight, put off sleeping with the guy until you really are sure he is someone you could love. And once you do have sex with a man remember to take off the rose-coloured glasses and look at him with realistic and honest eyes. I know women who fall in love with every guy they date and they married the first one that loves them back and doesn’t dump them.
If you are always getting your heart-broken it is time to look at what you are doing wrong.
Anyway, so what about real lasting love? How do I find real love?
I have been watching people I know who have a healthy approach to relationships to see what the common denominator is and there are a few things that stand out. Meet Sue, a fictitious single woman in her 50’s who wants to find love, she is self-sufficient, leads a nice life, has good friends, a dog, a career she enjoys she is not desperate, but she really wants a man in her life, she wants to grow old with someone.
1. She wants to meet a man that she will spend the rest of her life with he had to meet certain criteria. She has a list of things she wants and definite deal breakers (it doesn’t have to be a real list, in can just be in her head but writing out a list makes you think about, so many women don’t really know what they want and go at it randomly. I think also when we think about what we want and focus on it we bring it into being, we send those thoughts out into the universe, focus on what you want not what you don’t want) she joins a dating site and she contacts men and responds to them if they contacted her. She tells her friends she is looking to meet someone and if one of her friends has a single man they think she should meet she doesn’t hesitate to go on a date.
2. The first meeting, if the guy doesn’t put an effort into impressing her, ie: wears sweats, doesn’t have money (she is not into supporting a man) doesn’t have any of her interests, etc (You have your own list of traits you want or don’t want. If there is anything that turns you off but you think “I can change that or I can grow to accept that” don’t see him again). First date is supposed to be when a person is on their best behavior, they are trying to impress you; think about it, if he is wearing sweats on the first date imagine what he will wear once he is comfortable with you. Now….. maybe you like sweats, good for you, it’s all about personal taste right?
3. If they hit it off on the first date she will date him several times even if there isn’t an immediate spark because she knows sometimes a person grows on you, a lot of guys get more attractive the more you get to know them and it takes all sorts of situations to get to know someone.
4. She keeps doing her own thing, even if she really likes a guy she still goes for dinner with her girl friends, she doesn’t wait for him to call and ask her out on the weekend, she makes her plans and if he calls too late because she is already busy she will tell him sorry I am busy, but I am free the next day or whatever. If he is really interested he will call earlier next time.
5. She does not even kiss on the first date and waits until like the 3 or 4th date. So you know sex is not happening until probably the 10th or more dates. I know I have made the mistake of sleeping with a guy too early in the relationship and I won’t make that mistake if I date again. I think it is the number 1 mistake women make.
6. Even if she really likes a guy, they have tons in common and get along wonderfully, she doesn’t say the L word. She will say she really enjoys his company, she enjoys missing him and looks forward to seeing him again. She maintains her female friendships and enjoys talking about him with her friends, she introduces him to her friends and it is important to her that her friends like him (but she would not date someone she knows her friends wouldn’t like and she would not date a man who didn’t like her friends. It’s a huge red flag is when the guy doesn’t like your friends. Your friends are a reflection of you so if he doesn’t like them, he doesn’t like some part of you)
7. She keeps her head about her. She can date a guy for months and everything has been wonderful, she is feeling a lot for the guy, they have a lot in common, they have been on a trip together and everything and then one day he snaps at her and gets angry over something stupid. She is hurt but lets it slide, maybe he is just having a bad day. But then a few weeks later he snaps at her again and swears at her, she mentions that he hurt her feelings and he tells her she is too sensitive. A few weeks later he is disrespectful to a waiter when they are out for supper and she feels embarrassed by the way he spoke to the waiter like he was a second class citizen. On the way home he gets lost and blames her for missing the turn off, they are quiet the rest of the drive home, he starts to come in with her and she tells him she doesn’t want him to come in tonight she wants to be alone. He shrugs and says he will call her later and gives her a kiss on the cheek.
8. She thinks about it for a few days and doesn’t call him until she has thought about it and knows exactly what she is feeling, she calls a few friends to see what they think of his actions but she knows what her gut told her, it has changed how she feels about him, she feels herself starting to walk on egg shells for fear of him getting angry, he hurt her feelings and didn’t own it or apologize. Whether he thinks she is too sensitive or not, that is her, she doesn’t like to be yelled at, or sworn at. She would never yell at him or swear at him, she doesn’t ever treat people with disrespect. She has seen a side to him that she really doesn’t like and it is still early in the relationship, but he is letting his true colours show. She calls him and says she wants to talk.
9. She goes over to his place and tells him how she feels, that she thinks he was disrespectful of her and the waiter and he says she is too sensitive and he is sorry she was offended by what he did. Note he did not own it, he still blamed her, he did not say, “I am sorry I hurt your feelings, I never should have snapped at you like that, it wasn’t your fault. Thanks for telling me I will never do it again. Forgive me?” If he had said that she would have forgiven him but not forgotten and if he continued to be disrespectful she would have dumped him. Because an apology is only an apology if the person never does it again. If a person says I am sorry and then turns around and does it again it means nothing.
10. Seeing as he didn’t own it she says she has to stop seeing him. He says you are making a big mistake, we had something special, you’ll be sorry. She says maybe so and leaves. He calls like nothing happened after a couple of days wants to see her and she says no. She has cried, she misses him, but she knows she can not allow any man to disrespect her and she would not be happy always walking on egg shells trying not to upset him. She knows she is a sensitive person and she can’t handle someone who loses their temper. There are women out there with tougher skin and would let it run off them like water off a duck but she knows herself and she knows eventually it would destroy the relationship so she might as well end it now and find someone who won’t hurt her feelings.
11. The next guy she meets is a sweetheart and they have a ton of stuff in common, it has only been a couple of months but her friends like him, she is exciting about seeing him and misses him when they are apart, she can’t imagine him ever saying anything to hurt her feelings and can see a future with him but she is enjoying the dating and the romance. She is in no hurry because she doesn’t need a man to feel good about herself, she doesn’t want to change a man and she won’t try to change for a man. Time will tell.
I saw this video today, this couple were an overnight sensation on You Tube when they did the song from Grease, You’re the One That I Love, and used sign language while driving in the car. I saw it months ago and fell in love with them, I guess a few million other people fell in love with them also. I listened to a video they did about themselves and there is quite an age difference between them and I have no idea what things are like behind closed doors but one thing stood out for me. They have been dating for 5 years, they have many common interests, and they are equally thrilled to be getting married in a couple of months and even after 5 years he is still interested in learning sign language because that is what she does. No guarantees it will last but you can’t watch them and not see the love.
Here is one of their videos, I thought it was so cute and I don’t know about you but I would love to meet a guy who looked at me that way 5 years down the road.
We are told that true love is accepting a person faults and all, true love endures, true love does not hold grudges, true love overcomes all barriers and that is true…….. as long as both people are following the same rules. Because love is not disrespectful, blaming, expecting someone to forgive you time and time again and never being accountable for your actions. Both people have to be accountable and coming from a place of love for it to work, lasting love is never one-sided.