THAT is unbelievable to me. At some point today the blog will roll over 1 million views. One million views, I laugh out loud when I think about it, do you know how many one million is??? that is a whole lot of anything! but in this case it is views on MY blog. I remember thinking that if one woman found my blog and was saved from the pain I was going through it would make everything I went, and was; going through worthwhile. I remember the first time I had a visitor to my blog and I immediately had a small anxiety attack; someone read what I wrote! I felt pressured to produce something worth reading, then 2 visitors and then I got a follower, I didn’t even know what a follower was!! I became obsessed with checking my stats to see if anyone had visited, 2-3 visitors in a day!! OMG!! so exciting and intimidating!
I realize that there are many blogs with many more hits and followers, one million is NOT that earth shattering in the blogging world but in my world it is huge!!
This blog is so much more than I ever anticipated it would be. I don’t know if I can explain it properly but I will try.
I started it originally to make myself accountable so I didn’t kill myself, figure out what the hell happened to me and how to save myself and in the process, hopefully save some other random woman going through the same thing I was. I was not looking to become an activist nor did I expect to form attachments and friendships with the people who came to my blog.
I owe my life to this blog, I owe my healing to all of you because even when I didn’t think I could make it, you believed in me. In the beginning there were many days that the only encouragement I got was from this blog, days where I felt like giving up and someone would have left a comment.
But the biggest thing you all did for me is you believed me and you accepted me even at my “worst” or authentic self.
I held back with all the details of my relationship with James because I thought people would think I was crazy if I told what went on or criticize me for staying after he did the things he did. I expected to be judged. Instead, those times that I was totally open, even if it was embarrassing; and I hesitated to hit the post button and waited with apprehension for the response, that was the post that got the most “likes”. I got to know that if I got a sick feeling in my stomach when I hit the Post button it was going to be a good post and more people would be saying, “My God that happened to me too!” “How did you know? It is like you were a fly on the wall.”
As you all know, you can know you are telling the truth and that the things you say happened, did truly happen, but the narcissist calls you a liar with such conviction you begin to doubt your own honesty. I found out I was far far from alone and there were hundreds of women out there going through the exact same thing!! EXACT same. I told myself, we can’t all be liars and crazy!!
And I think that is what everyone gets when they come here. There are many blogs that deal with narcissists and psychopaths and most of them give great advice but there aren’t many that share their own experiences and their own blunders and mistakes. That is the wonderful thing about the internet, there are so many choices out there and if you keep looking you are bound to find a blog that resonates with you and works for you.
What I find so amazing is; I was afraid to speak out but something told me that if I was going to do this I had to be totally open and honest about my mistakes as well as my successes, that people needed to know they were not the only ones battling with no contact or doubting themselves. I took the chance I would be judged and ridiculed but instead people felt safe to reveal their secrets. I had given others the permission to be honest and open by being willing to be vulnerable.
Another thing that I find very rewarding is to now see women on the blog, who at one time seemed like they would never be able to do no contact or accept their ex was not going to change; telling new victims that the only way to heal from a narcissist is no contact. I get tears in my eyes to see the women who were so broken and lost, thinking they would never survive without the narc showing their strength and reaching out to other people coming behind them.
Much of what you read here I learned at the same time I shared it with you. I shared every revelation, and you all motivated me to research some stuff I had never thought of and consequently I learned from you also. So much has happened since I started the blog, I have done SO much healing, SO much; I have healed more than just the damage done by James, I have rid myself of so much baggage that was never mine to carry, I am the most authentic me I have ever been and THAT feels so good. When you aren’t your authentic self, (I wasn’t purposely trying to misrepresent myself but I had told certain things about myself my whole life so that is who I became but it was not the real me). You always feel “out of sorts” that you aren’t living your full potential. If you aren’t living to your full potential you end up feeling like a failure a lot, you can’t be truly happy yet you never know what is wrong or that anything IS wrong.
Then someone like James comes into your life and he loves you just the way you are and you feel authentic and you are right where you should be. He is your soul mate, he must be because you have so much in common and he thinks you are perfect. But then he starts to find fault in you but he never tells you exactly what this major flaw is. James used to say. “I always knew you had a warped view of reality but I thought I could live with it or help you but I am too normal to live with it. My mind is so healthy it just cannot go where your mind goes, I can’t live with dysfunctional way of looking at things” He never named my flaws, he just said he couldn’t deal with them. It wasn’t my fault, after all I couldn’t help the way I was raised and he did love me but ……. well………… it’s over, then he would “feel sorry for me” and try again. I started to avoid meeting new people, started to get paranoid about letting anyone too close because what if they got to know me and found out whatever it was James knew?
I had been called “too sensitive” many times in my life so when he said it I believed it. It is true! I am a sensitive person and that is not going to change, it is not a flaw!! I don’t like being yelled at, I don’t like someone screwing around behind my back and lying to me, I don’t like when the man I love is on dating sites, sabotages my truck and generally treats me like shit. If that makes me too sensitive then so be it. If he wants someone to treat like shit then find someone not so sensitive. But I didn’t know that or believe it 5 years ago.
When you accept yourself for who you really are, when you do an honest self-assessment and you are forced to put yourself back together, trait by trait, suitcase by suitcase you realize you have a whole lot of baggage you were never meant to pack and that is why you feel uncomfortable with who you are. I used to be anal about my house being clean, that is not me, that is my mom and probably it isn’t even her baggage, my grandma was obsessed about housework, she ironed socks for God sake! I can leave dirty dishes in my sink and I can even have my mother come for a visit and not apologize because the house isn’t perfect. I can go to bed with dirty dishes in the sink and you know what? the world still keeps revolving!! Go figure!
I disappointed my whole family when I was with James because I wasn’t “myself”, the old me would have never allowed a man to treat me like that. But they had never loved the real me anyway, they had never accepted me for who I was. I never felt I lived up to my family’s expectations of me and what I found really funny when I was with James is; my mom and him were in total agreement, there was something terribly wrong with me. Of course my mom thought there was something wrong with me because I stayed with James and he just generally thought I was flawed, either way I was a disappointment, to everyone including myself.
Basically I am the same person I have always been, the core me is the same but the image I present to the world is different, because now what you see is what you get, and I don’t really care if you like me or not. I mean of course I want friends and I want people to like me, but if you don’t I am fine with that too. That is the wonderful thing about being your authentic self, you are comfortable with yourself and you never have to worry people will discover the real you and when you are authentic no one can make you try to be something else.
Think about it for a minute. If you are everything everyone always told you, you were and played roles in order to keep the people you love happy, what is the difference when the narcissist tells you that you are flawed and need to change. But if you are your true self and like that person (and if you don’t like that person why are you being someone you don’t like, stop it!) you are not going to be influenced by criticism, you won’t believe the lies.
Am I making sense? I know what I am trying to say but not sure I am saying it a way that anyone can understand.
Anyway, take a bow, we made it to one million hits and you all were the ones to do it because my visits to the blog don’t get added in to the stats.
Thank you…………………… for everything
God bless you all.