I was at ChumpLady’s blog this morning and a young woman had written her asking for advice because she was only days away from having a baby and had discovered “the love of her life” has been sexting another woman for 4 days. Of course he fed her a bunch of BS like; he stopped because he could only think of her, and she was giving him a second chance but didn’t know if she could trust him. If you have ever been to ChumpLady’s site you know what she advised and you can always check it out at the links provided. I started to add my comment and realized it was going to be a long one and instead of high-jacking the post I thought I would make it a post here.
I know that Jessica isn’t the only woman to run into a similar problem, I know I certainly did; it isn’t really infidelity, or is it? How many second chances do we give to the love of our life? This is my comment to Jessica.
Jessica, you say “I love him, I really do” like you have to convince us of your love for him, like you know that in an “ordinary” love relationship the woman would leave but if Chumplady realizes that this is the love of your life, this is a love far from ordinary, and not the kind of love you find every day, she will agree you should give him another chance. We all hear that love weathers the storms, stands by their man, doesn’t hold grudges, is forgiving, so what kind of woman would we be if we walk out on him now? You and this guy have a connection, are soul mates, you almost have to stay with him because you won’t find that connection with anyone else and if you love him well enough, forgive him this one time; he will see the light and appreciate your unconditional love and be so grateful you stuck by him, the two of you will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.
Hey, been there! I remember searching the internet for answers and finding sites where women described very similar scenarios and were adamant the only answer was to leave the man. I read their stories and thought, yeah their story is much like mine but they don’t understand, what JC and I have is something special, we have a deep love, something a person doesn’t find every day, something you can’t just walk away from. My love for JC is more powerful than anything they have ever known and I know he feels the same way, we have a “connection” neither one of us can deny.
Honey your love is real and I believe he is the love of your life; the problem is he is not capable of that kind of love. I know he has acted like you are and that will keep you going back time after time but I don’t have to have a crystal ball to predict the future. You will try to love him well enough that he doesn’t have to look at other women and now with the baby he will find all kinds of reasons why he is forced into it. After enough time you will convince yourself that “It is just looking at other women, he loves you too much to actually DO anything about it.” You will try to convince yourself but you will become more suspicious and you will snoop; not to catch him at something but in hopes you don’t find anything and you can prove you are just being paranoid. You tell yourself that if you ever find out he is really cheating you will dump him.
He will spend more time away from home, always have some excuse or blame you, call you crazy and paranoid and this is exactly why he doesn’t want to come home, because you bitch at him all the time, you never have time for him any more, you have gained weight, (or whatever else he can think of to blame you), he will tell you that you will never find a man who will put up with what he has to endure from you. You will try to be happy when he comes home from work, try to be interested in sex more, plan sexy nights, but he isn’t interested any more in romance and the sex has become a release more than the declaration of love it used to be. Whereas he used to want to please you, made love to you like he couldn’t get enough of you and you were the most beautiful woman on earth; now it feels like nothing more than a “release”.
You tell yourself that you will stop being suspicious and stop snooping, you have never been jealous and a snoop before but that gnawing in your gut will finally win over your resolve and you will snoop on the computer and find out he has a personal ad on a dating site. You will confront him, sure that this time you are leaving him, but he will brush it off as nothing or deny it totally. You may even leave this time but he will beg you back, it will be hard on your own; your self-esteem is low, he keeps telling you that no man will love you like he does and you will go back. But you will be more suspicious than ever.
He tells you that you are crazy, he still loves you and it is your paranoia that is driving him away, you know you have been acting crazy, you aren’t anything like the woman you used be. He acts like nothing ever happened, shows no remorse once he has you back and actually treats you with more disregard than ever before. You are determined to make it work and make him understand why you are so upset.
When he isn’t home you pace the floors, you call him and he doesn’t answer, you will feel you are crazy, you feel crazy you have panic attacks, imagine him with another woman. He continues to deny deny deny and you continue to ignore your gut and the relationship self destructs, no matter what you do to make it better he just seems miserable. How many years go by no one can predict but it will end someday. Either you will find him with another woman, or a woman will call and fill you in or he will come home one day and say it’s over he has found the love of his life and she is nothing like you. She is easy to love, not a psycho bitch like you. And there you will be, after investing God knows how much time, emotions, effort, money with a child or maybe two or three by that time; and you will discover that he has been talking behind your back telling everyone what a psycho bitch you are and how he tried so hard to please you and you drove him into the arms of another woman.
You probably don’t believe me, I know I wouldn’t have believed me; I would be/was plagued with thoughts of “what if this time he means it?” “What if he finally understands and is ready to change?” “I have invested so much if I leave now some other woman will reap the rewards of all my efforts.” The only thing I hope is that you don’t stay years, that when you find yourself becoming a suspicious crazy woman who walks on eggshells all day, when you can’t even enjoy the good times because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. When it just isn’t love anymore, there is nothing care free, when there are no spontaneous acts of love, and you don’t know what more you can do; I hope you remember my words and leave.
Leave while you have enough of yourself to rebuild, don’t wait until you are a basket case. See the writing on the wall and stop lying to yourself.
I would love nothing more than to hear you lived happily ever after and I really hope I am wrong.
Know your worth and don’t settle for anything less than being treated with love, caring and respect. We are led to believe that if we love them enough we will have our happy ending, we believe the lies because why would he lie? We believe the words and ignore the actions, it is easier to believe we are at fault than to believe he doesn’t love us. Sometimes it hurts like hell but we survive and life does go on, and we will love again and all men are not assholes.