When To Forgive and When to Walk Away



I was at ChumpLady’s blog this morning and a young woman had written her asking for advice because she was only days away from having a baby and had discovered “the love of her life” has been sexting another woman for 4 days. Of course he fed her a bunch of BS like; he stopped because he could only think of her, and she was giving him a second chance but didn’t know if she could trust him. If you have ever been to ChumpLady’s site you know what she advised and you can always check it out at the links provided. I started to add my comment and realized it was going to be a long one and instead of high-jacking the post I thought I would make it a post here.

I know that Jessica isn’t the only woman to run into a similar problem, I know I certainly did; it isn’t really infidelity, or is it? How many second chances do we give to the love of our life? This is my comment to Jessica.

Jessica, you say “I love him, I really do” like you have to convince us of your love for him, like you know that in an “ordinary” love relationship the woman would leave but if Chumplady realizes that this is the love of your life, this is a love far from ordinary, and not the kind of love you find every day, she will agree you should give him another chance. We all hear that love weathers the storms, stands by their man, doesn’t hold grudges, is forgiving, so what kind of woman would we be if we walk out on him now? You and this guy have a connection, are soul mates, you almost have to stay with him because you won’t find that connection with anyone else and if you love him well enough, forgive him this one time; he will see the light and appreciate your unconditional love and be so grateful you stuck by him, the two of you will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Hey, been there! I remember searching the internet for answers and finding sites where women described very similar scenarios and were adamant the only answer was to leave the man. I read their stories and thought, yeah their story is much like mine but they don’t understand, what JC and I have is something special, we have a deep love, something a person doesn’t find every day, something you can’t just walk away from. My love for JC is more powerful than anything they have ever known and I know he feels the same way, we have a “connection” neither one of us can deny.

girlfriend mad

Honey your love is real and I believe he is the love of your life; the problem is he is not capable of that kind of love. I know he has acted like you are and that will keep you going back time after time but I don’t have to have a crystal ball to predict the future. You will try to love him well enough that he doesn’t have to look at other women and now with the baby he will find all kinds of reasons why he is forced into it. After enough time you will convince yourself that “It is just looking at other women, he loves you too much to actually DO anything about it.” You will try to convince yourself but you will become more suspicious and you will snoop; not to catch him at something but in hopes you don’t find anything and you can prove you are just being paranoid. You tell yourself that if you ever find out he is really cheating you will dump him.

He will spend more time away from home, always have some excuse or blame you, call you crazy and paranoid and this is exactly why he doesn’t want to come home, because you bitch at him all the time, you never have time for him any more, you have gained weight, (or whatever else he can think of to blame you), he will tell you that you will never find a man who will put up with what he has to endure from you. You will try to be happy when he comes home from work, try to be interested in sex more, plan sexy nights, but he isn’t interested any more in romance and the sex has become a release more than the declaration of love it used to be. Whereas he used to want to please you, made love to you like he couldn’t get enough of you and you were the most beautiful woman on earth; now it feels like nothing more than a “release”.

You tell yourself that you will stop being suspicious and stop snooping, you have never been jealous and a snoop before but that gnawing in your gut will finally win over your resolve and you will snoop on the computer and find out he has a personal ad on a dating site. You will confront him, sure that this time you are leaving him, but he will brush it off as nothing or deny it totally. You may even leave this time but he will beg you back, it will be hard on your own; your self-esteem is low, he keeps telling you that no man will love you like he does and you will go back. But you will be more suspicious than ever.

He tells you that you are crazy, he still loves you and it is your paranoia that is driving him away, you know you have been acting crazy, you aren’t anything like the woman you used be. He acts like nothing ever happened, shows no remorse once he has you back and actually treats you with more disregard than ever before. You are determined to make it work and make him understand why you are so upset.

When he isn’t home you pace the floors, you call him and he doesn’t answer, you will feel you are crazy, you feel crazy you have panic attacks, imagine him with another woman. He continues to deny deny deny and you continue to ignore your gut and the relationship self destructs, no matter what you do to make it better he just seems miserable. How many years go by no one can predict but it will end someday. Either you will find him with another woman, or a woman will call and fill you in or he will come home one day and say it’s over he has found the love of his life and she is nothing like you. She is easy to love, not a psycho bitch like you. And there you will be, after investing God knows how much time, emotions, effort, money with a child or maybe two or three by that time; and you will discover that he has been talking behind your back telling everyone what a psycho bitch you are and how he tried so hard to please you and you drove him into the arms of another woman.

You probably don’t believe me, I know I wouldn’t have believed me; I would be/was plagued with thoughts of “what if this time he means it?” “What if he finally understands and is ready to change?” “I have invested so much if I leave now some other woman will reap the rewards of all my efforts.” The only thing I hope is that you don’t stay years, that when you find yourself becoming a suspicious crazy woman who walks on eggshells all day, when you can’t even enjoy the good times because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. When it just isn’t love anymore, there is nothing care free, when there are no spontaneous acts of love, and you don’t know what more you can do; I hope you remember my words and leave.

Leave while you have enough of yourself to rebuild, don’t wait until you are a basket case. See the writing on the wall and stop lying to yourself.

I would love nothing more than to hear you lived happily ever after and I really hope I am wrong.

girl code

Know your worth and don’t settle for anything less than being treated with love, caring and respect. We are led to believe that if we love them enough we will have our happy ending, we believe the lies because why would he lie? We believe the words and ignore the actions, it is easier to believe we are at fault than to believe he doesn’t love us. Sometimes it hurts like hell but we survive and life does go on, and we will love again and all men are not assholes.

11 thoughts on “When To Forgive and When to Walk Away

  1. Toree Warfield

    You are so amazing. I have started to comment many times, get distracted. I refer to your blog often when corresponding to the women who write to me.
    I really hope you can make it through your funding nightmare (yes, I read that post too), which sounds like a ridiculous, bureaucratic mess and the people you’re dealing with shouldn’t have jobs…..Hang in there, you are amazing.
    Your painting is amazing too–I wish we could figure out a way to reasonably ship them so I could add them to my website (tahoetshirtsandgifts.com). Actually, I’m going to try something with my stamps.com account, then I will email you the results.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Thank you Toree, I thought you have moved on and weren’t dropping in any more. Nice to know you are still out there in the shadows. You are too kind but thank you for the words of encouragement. For the most part I know things will work out the way they are meant to and I don’t let it get to me too much. What really gets to me is the stupidity and incompetence. It really pisses me off when someone treats me like I am an idiot. and I have very little patience for laziness and stupidity.
      I bite my tongue for now but I will be raising a little hell if I don’t get satisfaction. 🙂


      1. narcissismathome

        Oh, I read quite a few of your posts and am always amazed at your fluidity, your insight, the way you nail these perps on the nose. I did call FedEx today. It really is doable. Your painting is so beautiful. It’s unlikely we would sell a bunch, maybe none, but it would be exposure. I don’t have wild amounts of traffic to my store yet but it is growing.
        And the store is different. It’s more than just a store–it’s an experience. We can put information about you, links to your blog, even excerpts from some posts….
        See tahoetshirtsandgifts.com and check out “The Earth” page, or “Mick Dodge” page for examples of the information we can add.
        As for shipping, I will research FedEx for each piece, weight, size, etc., and add the appropriate amount of shipping. They will even pick up. I just need pix of your stuff.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. ilo

    i think i am getting worse, i still not have contacted him at all i thought about it but i haven’t done it but i cant sleep i keep having nightmares or worse keep remembering good times. His mother has been very persistent in trying to contact me it came to a point where she came to see me so i just upfront asked her why does she care if I’m okay after everything that has happened when i thought she didn’t like me so she said she knows it must be hard for me after so many years i just said okay and walked away i have no idea what is going on in my life i tried to make eggs today for my father i ended up crying and breaking down i was doing well school started which was the worst his new gf and her little friends made fun of me he was watching the whole time and told them to cut it out i guess i should be thankful for those two seconds of kindness do the tears ever stop? am i ever going to run out of tears? i miss sleep i cant sleep at all at night and when i do every dream is about him I’m 20 i don’t understand why i cant just move on I’m too young for this i have been reading your blog and it helps me a lot and then the depressing mood kicks in this was my first real relationship i have nothing to compare it to i don’t know why his mom is trying to be nice to me why she is concerned if I’m okay. i have no idea who i am i just know that i feel super alone and i hate crying i don’t want to anymore I’m crying now I’m trying so hard to focus on school and work but i space out a lot i try doing things i like and it doesn’t make me happy i came to the sad realization that i have no dreams or aspirations i have no idea what i want to do with my life I’m a junior in college with a major that i didn’t plan at all i stupidly thought i was going to marry him and be his wife and just live life you know how the word exactly triggers you well the words ” all you know how to do is be my girlfriend” triggers me he was right i don’t know anything anymore


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      ilo, be patient with yourself, baby steps. No one likes to hurt, and his girlfriend is going to get bit in the ass by karma believe me. I can’t believe women who show such disrespect for someone of their own gender. Despicable!!Him telling her to stop is a ploy to make him look like not such a bad guy. He loves that she is doing his dirty work and then he can defend you and confuse you, make her angry and get the two of you fighting. Try to ignore her and him, I know it is hard when you are in the same school. HUgs xxx
      As for his mother, who knows what game she is playing. Do you know she hated you or did he just tell you that? He might have been just saying that, and it wasn’t true. My ex had me thinking for most of our relationship that his whole family didn’t like me and it was a lie. They thought I didn’t like them!
      Do you have a school counselor you can talk to about what you are going through, talk about your courses etc? I know you were planning on spending you life being with him and a career was not important to you but seriously it is so important that you remain independent and never rely on any man to support you. Even the healthiest guys like a woman who is self sufficient and independent. You NEED to have a sustainable income, something that ensures if you ever are in an abusive relationship again you have the power to walk away. Besides, women who focus only on the guy and make him their whole life end up being boring because they are relying on the man to provide the excitement, their self esteem is wrapped up in the man. It is putting too much pressure on the man, you have to have your own life.
      You are going to have nightmares, I know how horrible they are and I used to wake up in tears and frantically looking around to see where I was. What I found helped me is I didn’t go to bed. I found that I could sleep on the couch with the TV on and the minute I went to bed I was wide awake. so I would get in my PJ’s, and watch tv until I fell asleep, if I woke up in the middle of the night the TV was on so it was not quiet in the house, I would find something else on TV to watch and eventually I would fall back to sleep for an hour or two. I only ever slept a couple of hours at a time but a total of maybe 4-6 hours a night.
      Try not to get upset about not sleeping, it is normal and to stress about it only makes it worse. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to go to bed. I know people will say you should go to bed, who cares!??? do what works for you. I go to bed now, eventually you will go back to normal, none of this is going to stay this way. Believe me it will pass with time.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ilo

        Since about two years ago he’s always told me that his family did not like me which was a huge surprise to me since they never said anything to me about it I don’t know what game the mom is playing I want to think she cares but who knows she just said she knows how hard it must be for me after so many years and I get about 4 hours of sleep a night I don’t know why the gf is so mean to me or why she loves that he is horrible to me she gets so happy when she and her friends torment me today one followed me around laughing at me and today his gf found me waiting for the bus and she told me so does it suck that you have to see him taking me home to his family loving me every moment of his life and I just stood quiet I don’t even know what to say I tried talking to a school counselor but there’s a waiting list so I’m pretty much on my own I lost a lot of friends because of him or because they don’t wan to get involved which I understand I just want to get my degree and be done with seeing them he told me he knows things are never going to be better but he doesn’t know what to say I told him his mom wants to see me an he looked surprised and said I don’t know why she doesn’t like you


      2. Ilo

        One of the hardest things is that everyone is frustrated with me my family is over it they said I need to get it together so I try not to cry I cry only at night or in the shower my friends don’t understand why I am still hurting over him when he isn’t hurting over me I feel like I have no one like something is wrong with me maybe their right I’m just letting him get to me some days I’m really okay and other days little things will trigger me and I collapse and break down


        1. Onmyway

          The ups & downs are normal because you are a decent, loving human being. You cannot get over it bcs he is in your face – a constant reminder. The gf is an immature idiot who will be crying just like you in a short time. My soon to be xN dangled me in front of his first wife & drove her crazy. Now I’m next – same thing is happening to me. Carrie is right about your education & career. Keep going & graduate – one degree may lead to another or something else. You will always be learning in life. Your big beautiful future awaits you. Being self sufficient is freedom! Maybe his mother is being nice to you because she knows what he really is. It doesn’t matter anyhow. Can you get some distance from him? Switch schools or change your routine at least? One thing you can take away from all of this is the learning experience. You are young & have everything ahead of you. I’ve been duped for 17 years. There was a wife before me, girlfriends during our marriage & another one now. He has ruined me financially & emotionally. I just saw a picture of my soon to be xN husband & the new one – she’s smiling, laughing- and he looks so happy too – but, in one of the photos there is that vacant look that he has – like he’s not really there – she’s no different than me or the first wife. He will use her & spit her out one day too. You will heal and be stronger for it. Read & journal. Look back at what you’ve written, learn from it & get out there & have the great life that you deserve!

          Liked by 1 person

  3. ltdmtl

    ilo, we’ve all been there. You might not think it’s gonna get better but it will. Give yourself time and take one step at a time. Don’t listen to those who say just get over it. The people in this forum can help and understand what you’re going through. I had horrific nightmares in the beginning as well. I learned to pray myself back to sleep and they’ve subsided. They always tell you family don’t like you. It’s causes division, separation, confusion and more abuse sot hey can hide and continue doing what they’re doing. Carrie has more experience than I on how to deal with family members, but never believe what they say as fact or true. It’s normal to hurt. Don’t give up on your studies. Don’t give up on yourself!


  4. Maria

    Wouldn’t it be interesting to get the view of a guy that has played this role in a relationship. I think everyone would learn something if we get all the views.



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