Is He A Narcissist Or Just A Player?

 

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It happens occasionally that, (usually) a woman; comes in and is calling a man a narcissist because they fell in love with a player and he didn’t love them back. There is a difference between a narcissist and a player and Bethany and her male guest (sorry I don’t have a clue who the guy is) explain it well in this clip from an old show off Bethany. 

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Most players never grow out of it. Ol Heff never professed to be anything other than a player but I have never heard any woman telling tales of how he lied to them and destroyed them. He never pretended to be anything other than what he is.

 

I have done it myself in my younger days. A good-looking guy asks the woman out, he is obviously a player, she goes to bed with him anyway and ends up getting hurt.

 

For example; in my younger day,I guess I was about 30 at the time, I was in a club with my mom (my mom and dad had split about a year prior and my mom was just starting to enjoy being single after 29 years of marriage) and there was this REALLY good-looking, sexy guy on the dance floor. God he knew how to dance! Next thing I know he is on the dance floor by himself and he is obviously trying to get some lucky woman to come dance with him. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen, he was dancing like Patrick Swatzye  in dirty dancing when my mom says, “He’s dancing for you.”

I said, “Naw” and looked behind me expecting to see a woman standing there but there was no one, I looked all around me and I was the only woman in the direction he was focusing his dance. He HAD to be dancing for me and he was motioning for me to come out and join him. I shook my head and he danced right up to where I was sitting and grabbed my hand, so I went out there and oh my Lord he was sexy. He bought me a drink, we talked all night and he asked if I was there very often. I wasn’t usually but I made sure to be there often after that. It turned out that every time I went he was there and we would hook up, some times he would invite me to a party after the club closed and yes we ended up having sex. In fact after the first time we had sex, every time we hooked up we ended up having sex. It didn’t take long for me to realize that was all I was to this guy and I stopped showing up at the club.

I had a few twinges of a bruised ego, why didn’t he want more than just sex? I knew it was because all he wanted was sex and I made it easy for him. He never lied to me, never pretended to want more, I was there, he was attracted to me but he wasn’t looking for anything more than sex at that time. I knew then, and I know it even better now; not every man is going to fall in love with me. I also know that it is ok for two consenting adults to enjoy a romp in the sack without a commitment.

When I met JC 10 years later I pegged him as a player almost from the start, and I decided early in the relationship that I was going to have sex with him, even if just one time. I found him extremely sexy, I was 40 years old, he was 6 years younger, I really was not thinking it was ever going to work into anything more than a few dates, some good sex (hopefully) and we would part ways.  Our third date he invited me to his house for dinner and we ended up having sex and I stayed the night but had to work the next day so left first thing in the morning. He insisted on buying me breakfast and he called that night to make plans for another date on the upcoming weekend. He called me at least once or twice a day during the day and every evening. We talked for hours and the more we talked the more we had in common. I went to his place for our date on a Friday night and stayed the night again. The next morning about noon I packed up my stuff and was heading home. He seemed surprised that I was leaving and said as much. I told him that he hadn’t asked me for the whole weekend and I had made plans for Saturday. He begged me in his cute little boy way that he had, but I went home. The following week he called every day and took me out for dinner to meet his best friend on the Thursday night and well…. that was it, if we didn’t see each other we at least talked every day for the next 8 years. I had to tell him not to call me so much at work because I was too busy to spend so much time on the phone while at work. He was the one pushing for more, he was the one that said he loved me first, he was the one who was talking like we were a couple, talking about the future, telling me he had thought he was in love before but now he knew what true love was, making me promise to never change. THAT makes him a narcissist.

When we finally moved in together and he threw all my furniture in the dump because, “Babe, we’ll buy some new stuff that we pick out together, I’m going to make enough money we can get really nice stuff we both like.” And then a month later was telling me that I forced myself on him and he never wanted to live together. THAT is a narcissist.

My first husband could not be faithful, if he went out with the guys and a woman showed interest he couldn’t walk away. It hurt, we fought about it, but he never lied, he never blamed me for his infidelity, I believe he really did love me and he never would have left me but I could not live with him being with other women. He never had affairs, he slept with them one night and that was it, never made promises to them and never lied to me. We had wonderful Christmases, he always did nice little things for me, brought me flowers for no reason, never forgot a birthday or Valentine’s, we made plans and he always showed up. I could count on him to be there for me if I was sick, my family loved him. I never felt less a woman, I never took it on as my problem because he never made it my problem. I wasn’t left with sexual hangups or feeling I was unlovable or not worthy of being loved. For years I thought of him as my one true love and that I would never love any man the way I loved him; until I met James.

If you have been happily married for 25 years, and your husband has always been faithful, he has never lied to you and you enjoyed family Christmases together, raised your kids together, never argued about money and he never denied that he loved you and then one day he is in love with the secretary at his office and he is leaving you. That does not make him a narcissist, it might make him an asshole, it might means he is going through a midlife crisis or the two of you drifted apart and were too wrapped up in the kids or whatever and let the marriage get boring. Sometimes people just fall out of love and there just happens to be some young thing looking mighty fine standing right beside him telling him how sexy he is. Should he screw around? No! if the marriage is in trouble he should have worked on the marriage instead of finding someone else or at least been honest and left the marriage before he screwed around. It hurts like hell and it feels like your world is crumbling in around you, but it does not make him a narcissist. Sometimes marriages just end, sometimes it is both people’s fault or maybe one stopped trying; it happens. You split up the property, you blame each other for the demise of the marriage but eventually you get some closure, you each own your own shit, share custody of the kids and sometimes even become friends. If tragedy strikes you can call them and cry on their shoulder and they you. I have had two marriages that ended and yeah there were fights, but when it come right down to it we worked it out and went on with our lives.

A narcissist doesn’t allow that. With a narcissist you have to be totally to blame for his behaviour and yours and you have to hate each other. If you try to not hate him he will continue to hurt you until you do hate him. There is no other way with them.

I am not advocating for the players of the world but players are often mistaken for narcissists and narcissists may be players but they are in a class all their own.

 

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16 Replies to “Is He A Narcissist Or Just A Player?”

  1. Narcissists, as you say, go to great lengths to pretend to be something they’re not. It makes it so much more painful when they drop the mask and you feel you’ve been duped. At least players who are upfront about who they are and what they want give you a chance to sign-up for it or check out. A great post!

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  2. It’s startling how a N keeps changing his mind isn’t it? One minute you are on cloud nine with this man, he makes you feel so special. Then the next thing you know he wants nothing to do with you. You are in either the “to keep” column or the “eject” column with a N. It’s black or white. As long as you are good narc supply and keep your mouth shut, you are kept in the “keep” column. But the moment you disagree, object or point out to the N, ever no nicely, that you don’t feel right about the give and take between you, then you see the man’s true colors. That’s when the problems start.

    But I realized it was pathological by the measure of what *I*was doing. Never mind what the N was asking of me. I would have lied, cheated and steeled for this man. I was going above and beyond my means to support this man. It was beyond anything I had ever done. My moral compass was going haywire. Long story short, I ended up in psychotherapy and on antidepressants. “I’m in trouble” were the first words I uttered to my shrink. I started crying and couldn’t stop. That’s when I knew this man had damaged me, that he had done harm. I was asked to limit my contact, not to go no contact. But after our 2nd session, I asked my therapist, who had stayed pretty mum, to say something. He said “I would have a hard time believing anything that comes out this man’s mouth.”
    I left his office and cried all the way home.

    I met N over Xmas holidays. We invited him to spend xmas with our family and he invited us to spend new years with him. He had me at hello. He took my breath away. Intelligent, educated, worldly, charming as hell, the most beautiful green eyes, spoke 3 languages, he came from a different country, a different culture, and oh how he missed his homeland, and oh how emotional and alone he was, never afraid to shed a tear or show his feelings. Even among practical strangers. He had a sob story to top all sob stories. Green eyes had lost his job, his gf left him, he was heartbroken and penniless, and…suicidal (or so we thought). I was just so moved and overwhelmed by it all, the drama, the tears, everything. I fell head over heels.

    He moved away for work reasons. We were together one month, then pursued a long distance relationship the next 4 months. But he was careful to keep me at bay, feeding me just enough lovely bs to sustain my relationship with him, and yet wanting his privacy and no pressure so he could concentrate on finding work. Except he didn’t find work, he found a volumptuous, exotic woman with 3 kids. They were engaged after 5 minutes. I opened up his FB page one day, and there it was. Front and center. A young women’s hand with the most exquisite diamond engagement ring. I was floored. When i confronted him, he denied it and exploded into a rage i had never heard before. Green eyes who is broke, who relied on me to pay rent or gas for his car, is buying diamond rings. I’m not a vengeful person but IF I ever discover that my money paid for that ring, god help me I will break both his kneecaps. It was a 5 month hell of a roller coaster ride that I finally said enough. Although it was short and the financial toll was damaging, the emotional toll was, and still is, so much worse and is enough to last me a lifetime.

    After 8 months no contact, I still cry myself to sleep. I like to think the woman did me a favor. But damn it hurts. We spoke to each other at least once a week, sometimes more. And I never had a clue he had a woman in his life. He kept her well guarded. But so many things started to make sense. Why I could not get access to his FB page (I thought it was computer problems), why he gave me only his email when i asked him to give me his mailing address…(my father has just passed away and I wanted to send him a thank you card for his show of sympathy–yes, i give him credit for that, at least that appeared sincere). The address thing was about 4 months in, and the 1st really big red flag for me. That’s when I started to feel something was not “right”. Three weeks later I ended up in therapy and with the help of my therapist was unable to unravel and piece together a complete picture of who and what I was dealing with with this man. I’m still healing. They say time heals all wounds. Well, whoever said that never dealt with a Narc.

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  3. Carrie–you are so correct with the premise of your post. Cheaters and narcissists are not necessarily one and the same. The overarching sense of disdain, entitlement, lack of regard or remorse, gas lighting and blame shifting are hallmarks of the narcissist. They live to hurt those who try to care about them. They are the most cunning in their actions.

    When I contemplate the deceitful crap I endured while with my XBF, it is still impossible to believe he was even capable of thinking it up much less put it into action. Everything was about him and his getting pleasure or attention.

    Here is a example of a narcissist. Mine was living in my home, driving my vehicles, paying for absolutely nothing. When he met his strange women, he would show them pictures of my property and claim it was his. He told them he was a wealthy international investor—and he did look the part. He had an impressive collection of clothes and jewelry from his second marriage.

    He told me he wanted to go visit his mother’s grave and family members in a city about 300 miles away. Being the compassionate sort, I gave him my high end convertible to use for his trip. The afternoon before he left, he ‘treated me’ to a $1 hamburger at Burger King.

    His trip was not to visit any grave. He actually went out of town to meet up with 3 women he’d been contacting on Match. On the night he spent $1 on me for lunch, he took one of the women out to a $150 lobster and king crab leg meal. THAT’S A NARCISSIST.

    Instead of returning in 3 days as he had told me he would, he remained gone for 8 days, refusing to return my car. THAT’S A NARCISSIST. When he did finally return, I got in my car and found a discarded florist’s card he had written to one of his conquests saying “I can’t wait to have you in my arms again. You might be the love of my life!” and his camera full of pictures of him with his conquests–all cuddle face pics with women he had just met. Trophy pictures. THAT’S A NARCISSIST.

    When I sat his ass down and demanded an explanation for his actions, he said I had caused him to do all his deceit. His explanation was he was merely trying to find his next place to light because I had indicated to him I was exasperated with his behavior throughout our relationship. THAT’S A NARCISSIST.

    This is just a recap of what occurred during 9 days of having a narc in my life and you can be sure I omitted lots of incidental details.

    I finally got him out of my home–he wouldn’t willingly leave so I had to have him evicted. (THAT’S A NARCISSIST) Soon after he was gone, I was walking in my front yard and something glinting in the sun caught my eye. It was an 11″ long butcher knife from my kitchen—-one that I never used because it was so big and unwieldy. I certainly didn’t put it out in my front yard. There is only one explanation who did. WHY is something I chose not to contemplate.

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  4. You’re so right about distinguishing between a narcissist and a player. It is truly the deception that sets the narcissist apart. At least with the players I’ve met, they were upfront about not wanting a serious relationship, thus giving me the option to check out. I really have no hard feelings against those guys just for not wanting the same things I want and for being on a different life journey than me. They didn’t try to psychologically destroy me and gave me the chance to pull out before getting in too deep. I take more issue with my narc dangling the whole loaf of bread in front of me to get what he wanted–and then pulling a bait and switch to only give me crumbs.

    I also think the narcissist just has different intentions than the player. With the players I’ve dated, yes, they were after their own pleasures, but I never got the sense that they wanted to destroy me either. That could be a byproduct of their actions, but doesn’t seem to be their intention. Whereas with narcs, it’s not enough for them to devalue and leave you–but they seem to have to chew you up and spit you out as well. Then kick you one last time for last measure. Narcs are just on another level of depravity with no comparison.

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    1. Christine, you expressed this perfectly! The carrot dangling is what I called it.

      “I love you and can’t wait to get back home to you” and then drives out the driveway (IN MY CAR) to go screw his former girlfriend on her lunch hour. Bait and switch all the way.

      Bait you with the carrot (or loaf of bread) and smack you in the face for reaching for it.

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  5. This is not really related to this thread but it’s a cautionary tale of something that happened near my hometown this week:

    A woman had ended a relationship with an obviously obsessive and violent man. A narc, I don’t know. She was driving on the highway and he began to follow her. She eventually heeded his attempts to get her to pull over.

    He approached the car and dragged her from it (in broad day light) onto the roadside. He then attempted to cut her eyes out with a box cutter. She survived but lost one of her eyes.

    As I mentioned in a post above, days after my narc had been forced to moved out, I found a large butcher knife in my front yard.

    Weeks before his eviction, he was passed out drunk and he very clearly muttered ‘maybe I can cut off her head’. I heard him when I put my tv on pause in order to leave the room. I was immediately spun out into the twilight zone! Did I hear what I just heard????

    After he was gone, I came across a huge knife outside my home.

    He had a great affinity for planning things in advance and it makes me shudder to think what possible tragedy was averted by sure luck and timing.

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    1. My God that is horrible!! The poor woman. You just cannot trust them, none of them even if they have never been physical before there is always the first time. Do not doubt that you could still be in danger. Have you downloaded the free safety plan at the top of the blog?

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      1. Thank you for your concern 🙂 Actually, I already am adhering to the tips you have posted. I do live in a gated community but he could follow someone in. My doors are never unlocked unless I have just gone out it. I never let my guard down.

        I will finally feel safe and secure once I move from my current home. I will be putting it on the market in the coming months.

        Just this weekend in Georgia, a man killed his ex wife, her boyfriend, 2 of his daughters and attempted to kill 2 other daughters. He then killed himself. They had been divorced for over 3 yrs.

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  6. Reading your comments makes me feel better about my being dumping almost four years ago when he hooked up with his current OW.. I only lasted with my ex no more than 17 months…his current OW and him as a far as I know are still going home, and he is still “in love with her money and property.” He sure doesn’t love her, poor thing! Now I see it as a blessing, and I’m GLAD I was dumped! LOL.

    I guess I was pretty lousy supply. I didn’t fawn over him, beg for him back. and when I went NC that was it! I refused to be his “friend” then and there, and never again! I do take some comfort as mean as it may sound to some that he has diabetes and heart disease, he looks every day of soon be 70 years in a couple of weeks. He, looks old and ugly like homemade sin!

    Maybe all that evil is aging him prematurely. I don’t know and don’t care. Not particularly wishing it, but I wouldn’t mind if he had a premature death! Given his state of health, it could happen, but I have no control over that.

    I do have my moments wondering how much longer his present “relationship” will last. As long as the money keeps rolling in, and she continues to wipe his butt and kiss it I guess. Whatever! None of my affair…. just a little minor curiosity from time to time. He’s a cerebral narcissistic psychopath. So that can go on a long time. I’m just glad I’m not her.

    Take care folks, and best of luck to you!

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  7. Pam–did your N even care if he got caught? Why leave florist cards and photos of him with other women lying around where you could find it? Not giving a rat’s ass about you or how you feel if you stumble upon evidence of another woman–or many other women–THAT’S A NARCISSIST. My N hurt me deeply. But he doesn’t CARE that he did. He never admitted any wrongdoing. Never ever admitted he was playing me. Instead he made ME feel guilty–feeding me the how dare I make him feel so terrible when he is already struggling so much crap. Screaming into my ear and slamming the phone down. And by golly it worked. I actually did feel bad. I went to bed and cried all night. Maybe I had overreacted. Maybe that engagement ring photo was not what it seemed. Maybe I was imagining things. Maybe there was no other woman. A NARCISSIST. How skilled he was at manipulating my emotions. How skilled he was at getting his way and getting me to back down. I had to turn to a mental health professional for help. Someone who confirmed to me that I was not imagining things or going crazy. The man I loved and supported and TRUSTED all these months was lying to me. A picture says a thousand words. Yet even when I confronted him with the evidence, he never wavered. THAT IS A NARCISSIST. He didn’t give a shit about me. He never did. I was a good source of supply while it lasted.

    I was raised to believe if you treat a man well, if you invite him into your home, if you show him kindness, hospitality, helpfulness,generosity, he will treat you the same in return. Not so. We regret that we invited this man into our home, and into our lives. He did damage. And the worse thing is, he doesn’t care that he did. It’s this complete lack of consideration, this indifference, that I I struggle with the most. That’s what I can’t wrap my head around.

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    1. Julie–Hi. I can’t explain anything the goofy bastard did. I tried to understand him once upon a time but as Tracy, on the Chump Lady blog says, ‘unraveling the skein of fuckedupness’ is impossible and not worth the time. The florist card was in the car–he was so drunk when he finally got back to my house, maybe it was an oversight or done intentionally. The pics were in his camera, not developed. He never took responsibility for or acknowledged any of his actions. It was like talking to a brick wall and swimming in quick sand at the same time.

      He is a narc through and through, that I know well.

      Your words regarding your narc and his impact on your life mirror mine. I could have written your last paragraph word for word. They sound very similar other than mine wasn’t a screamer—he wouldn’t engage at all. If I wanted to discuss his ‘misbehavior’, his words to me were “I don’t want to argue”. I would be left venting to someone with a blank look on their face staring straight ahead with no emotion or response.

      I read somewhere (and I sure wish I knew where) that a narcissist will upon meeting you, covertly try to see how far they can push your boundaries to see how you react. In retrospect,there’s no question mine tested my boundaries several times on our first date. A year prior, I had come out of a marriage with a rage filled narcissist and had been ‘trained’ to tolerate and not speak up.

      Here is an example of what happened on the date: We met at a neutral location and then we were going to drive in his car to a restaurant for dinner. He arrived in a convertible, with the top down. I had long hair and had just gotten a pricey blowout for the occasion. After a meek objection, I acquiesced to his desire to leave the top down. My hair was a tangled mess when we arrived for dinner. He didn’t care about my hair, he just wanted to arrive in style with the top down. If the top was down, people could see how handsome he was…..

      Regardless of the boundary testing, I was taken with him that night, he seemed perfect. He love bombed immediately. The next day a friend asked me how the date went and I replied “I feel like I was put through a blender” because I felt utter confusion about “could this man be real?”

      I know now that he wasn’t real. He was just an illusion.

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  8. hi all, I am just going to respond to everyone’s comments in one comment. You are all describing my relationship with my ex exactly! Pam and Julie, my ex used to leave evidence out where I would find it. He was not a stupid man and I would wonder how he could be so sneaky and yet so stupid. A dropped love note to another woman, a picture by the computer of a gorgeous much younger woman with a phone number in his handwriting, forget to sign out of his email account on my laptop and when I go on it up pops his POF account. I am convinced he enjoyed my pain, he liked the game. if I wasn’t picking up on the fact that he was screwing some new woman he would have to leave clues for me to find, it was part of the game for him. If I was crying, hurt and jealous it reinforced to him that he was in control of my emotions and he was so sexy and desirable to have two women or more in love with him. They feed off our pain. They also get a kick out of getting away with something right under our noses, getting us to doubt ourselves when we have cold hard evidence right in our hand.

    When I found his POF account I knew to print everything off because he would deny everything so I confronted him with photo copies of all the emails between him and 18 women. He still denied it, I got so frustrated I threw them all in his face and what did he do? He threw them away and came home that night like nothing had happened. When he couldn’t understand why I was so upset, I tried to explain and he says, “This is why he looks elsewhere because he has to put up with THIS all the time.” and I ended up defending myself and crying and somehow ended up apologizing to him! WTF!?

    Same kind of scenario on our first date. We had plans to go out Thurs he called Thurs morning to say he had to cancel, something came up, could we do it friday night instead. I was totally understanding, shit happens. He was so impressed that I wasn’t upset, any other woman he knew would have been angry. I thought sheesh he must have dated real bitches. it was all a set up to see how I reacted. Then a few weeks later we had our Xmas staff parties on the same night and agreed to go to the dinner at mine and the dancing at his. But on the night it really snowed and he said the roads were too bad to drive, I felt bad to not go but thought, what can we do? we can’t take a chance if the roads are bad. So I get out of my fancy clothes and he wants to go to the corner store for smokes. So we get in my car and get smokes and next thing you know we are driving out of town. We ended up at his staff party, me in jeans feeling like an idiot with everyone including him dressed up but i went with the flow. It was a total set up I know now.

    My ex never screamed either, he would keep doing whatever he was doing, reading a magazine, he would roll his eyes and say, “Here we go again.” and he would deny deny deny. I ever heard him talking to my son one time telling my son, “No matter what anyone ever has on you just deny deny deny.
    What are they going to do? they have to back down. No matter what evidence they have never admit to anything.” They are so convincing we doubt what we saw with our own eyes.

    They keep us so off balance we don’t know which way is up. James could tell me it was over, he wanted me out in the morning and I would cry all day and he would call like nothing happened a few hours later and be all sweet, wanting to know if I wanted to go out for dinner. I would meet him and he would act like nothing was wrong. If I started making arrangements to move out he would act all shocked and deny ever saying it. I was too sensitive, I misunderstood. Oh the merry-go-round was enough to make a person puke.

    If I did move out and really mean it then he would come and apologize for everything he ever did, cry, tell me everything I ever wanted to hear and the minute I went back everything went back to the way it always had been and he would deny ever apologizing.

    It wasn’t until first his son lived with us and when I had to ship him off back to his mother because his dad was pounding on him for eating his donut and then his sister came to live with us that I had witnesses to the craziness and I knew I was not nuts. I saw how he played his sister and how frustrated she got and she couldn’t believe I wasn’t upset about shit he pulled, then I realized I was not over reacting. I had gotten so that I didn’t react to anything he did, what was the point? I had given up caring.

    His sister was the one to catch him tampering with my truck, and she found the wire going from the barn under the house so he could listen to us talking, I found the hidden camera. She told me that she feared he was going to kill me and that she would get be in the cross fire. Then I realized that my gut had not been lying.
    I wrote this post in Sept of 2011, we split Dec 2010, it is a list of some of the shit he pulled, I read it now and can’t believe I stayed through all of that! since I wrote the post I have found out the reason he got kicked out of Africa was because he got a Sudanese farmer’s young daughter pregnant.

    Julie, they pretend to be everything we could ever want in a man, they seem so interested in us in the beginning because he is collecting information to manipulate us with and to use against us later. We think he is so smitten with us he wants to know everything about us, but he the more we tell him the more things he has in common with us, he picks up little tid bits of information and then later will let it slip that he has the same interest or like or dislike. They almost always are from somewhere else and new to town, that way their past cannot catch up to them and they are always the victim of some evil woman who took advantage of him, or he had an abusive childhood, or so other trauma so we feel sorry for him.

    They pretend to not know that they hurt us and seem confused why we are so upset about something and we end up explaining why we are upset, then we think ok now he knows and he will stop doing it but he does it again or something worse. It always gets worse not better because once we let one thing go he has to ramp it up because he needs the challenge.

    Pam don’t doubt that he could kill you. They want the victim destroyed when they are done with them. It is like the victim is quite literally garbage they toss aside, but if someone one else wants the victim then the narc will want her back because obviously he didn’t do a good enough job of destroying her. In his mind if he did his job properly the victim should shrivel up and die a horrible painful death just from the lack of his presence in her life. If she has anything left to start over with he sees it as her holding out on him, she had something left when he dumped her so he has to go back and finish the job.

    I know my ex was gearing up to kill me and had tried numerous times but God was watching over me. If they do it they will make sure to plan it out perfectly or hire someone to do it for them. They don’t want to end up in jail that’s for sure. They are usually so cocky though that they think they are too smart to get catch. I would take the knife incident very seriously!! Have you changed your locks etc? How long have you been split? 70% of domestic homicides happen within 2 years of the relationship ending, and that is not to say they won’t do it 3 or 4 years later. They are very vindictive and they can hold a grudge for years. Have you downloaded the free safety plan at the top of the blog?

    Please be careful!!
    HUgs to all

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  9. The thing is we were in contact 4 months after he moved away. So during that time, as weeks and months passed, i grew more and more attached to this man. He was just in the next province over so for me, keeping in touch and wanting to see him again and pursue a relationship with him was do-able. Except he did not want that. But here’s the thing– he kept his intentions to himself. He never let me in on his intentions, ever. Why not? Because he had his hand in my wallet and didn’t want to lose that. We are not talking 20$ bucks here. He got enough to buy a piece of really fine bling. He used me to be with somebody else. That’s it. Plain and simple. Even my mom gave him food money. We’re not going to let this man starve to death, she told me. At that point we were in the dead of winter, he was calling me, he was scraping by to come up with money for a place to live and was sleeping in his car, he woke up freezing cold and showered at the mall…he was struggling…..He had his story down path and we believed him. Who would lie about something like that? Who would make up such stories? Answer: a narcissist.

    See, the diamond engagement ring isn’t just about the money. It signified he was snuggly warm in the arms of someone else. Not in a freezing cold car. Call me S for stupid but I believed him. Why? Because we were GOOD to this man. We invited him into our home and into our family, and shared xmas with him, and shared wine with him and xmas dinner with him and gave him a present…we ate and toasted and bonded with him…he told us his stories of woe and injustice and he cried and missed his country and his ex and his dog and we listened and we sympathized…so no, I couldn’t imagine him making up stories and take advantage of me. Of us. Unless you are dealing with a personality disorder. Then that changes EVERYTHING. He’s not looking for friends or for a family to love. He’s looking for moral, emotional and FINANCIAL support. He was after supply, and as long as I provided that, he was hunky dory. Just one day, don’t start to question and doubt cause that’s when you’re a GONNER.

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  10. I can so relate to this story! I was a total “player” in my 20’s. However, I never made promises nor have I ever cheated in a relationship. However, on the first date with my ex narc came onto me so strong wanting sex. I literally had to push her off of me of me 3 times! She said she was sorry the next day, because she was drunk. Lord, if I had only knew what I was getting into!

    After 5 years, I found out that she was having sex with 3 other men, and while pregnant. God only knows how many others there were! I honestly don’t know how I was so dam bind. Social media was one of her main hunting grounds. Fake and hidden profiles is how she did it. It was a ‘mating ritual’ of sorts. I’m sure she got off on this alone. Once I had this new knowledge, I became a threat and to her other sources of supply, and was discarded very quickly!

    I consider this karma for all my player days. to all the hearts that are broken out there, and all the hearts I’ve broken. I’m sorry. I know this sounds pathetic, but I really am. Blessings and best wishes to all of you mending broken hearts.

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  11. I have just come out of GAY male relationship with a man who was been, abusive, violient,suffers with extreme rages, is highly manipulative and is committing various frauds, craves attention, has been fast depleting my life savings and seams like Dr Jekyl and Dr Hyde, He told me he had Bi Polar type 2 and Borderline Personality Disorder, but im stuck trying to work out if he is not a pure Narcarrsist ?? and what hes told me he is diagnosed with is a mis diagnosis. Ive noticed the 3 stages of a Narcsistic cycle in my relationship with him Idealisation, Devaluation and now the Discard stage , which makes me feel he was just a pure an otter Narccasist, but again his official diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder and Bi Polar type 2 according to him, Im trying to work out which one he has as to my understanding Narcasist have no empathy, No Consciense and dont feel love etc. ? The pain and games hes played just to bizarr to detail, hes ended the relationship telling me hed been seeing somebody behind my back and “I was just there to pay for his weed addiction and that he never loved me and his now won the game” ?? WON THE GAME ? Can he be just Borderline Personality disorder and Bi Polar type 2 or actually Narcarrcist ? with the pleasure and evilness of what looks like the discard phase.. Help I need to find out what my partner really is for some closure . Thxs

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