The One Sure Way To Know He Hasn’t Changed

Plagued by the “what if’s”? How do you know for sure that he hasn’t had a miraculous “healing” that his fairy God Mother didn’t twang him in the middle of the night and give him a heart and soul?

There is one simple way to know if he has truly changed. If he had changed he would not be lying about you now. If he had changed he would own his own shit. He would not be slandering you, lying about you, trying to destroy your life; he would simply go on with his life, happy to be free of you, if you were such a bitch.

Do you know any healthy person who is that vindictive? Ask yourself what would you must have done to drive a perfectly sane and reasonable man to the point where he wants to destroy you now?

Healthy people do not go on a vendetta to destroy their ex lovers, they just don’t. Healthy lovers don’t blame everyone else for their shit and they really don’t enjoy inflicting pain on anyone, even their exs. If he had really changed he would have to have come to some realization that he was at fault at some point, if he is still insisting it was all your fault, he has not changed.

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13 Replies to “The One Sure Way To Know He Hasn’t Changed”

  1. Aaaaaaaaamen! Also, they would be offering sincere humble apologies to your face. My ex best friend narc claimed to “own his shit” once after I forced his back against the wall by publishing the handwritten letters he sent to me behind his fiancee’s and my husband’s backs. I was sick of explaining his smear campaign to our puzzled friends and visual aids helped immensely! “Owning his shit” apparently didn’t include any apologies to me. You’re doing it wrong, dumbass. http://i.imgur.com/tgVVKEml.jpg

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    1. Exactly, James did own his shit once, when he wanted me back, he admitted to everything he ever did wrong and didn’t blame me for anything. Even though my gut was telling me to run I took him back because he was owning his shit. The thing was, the minute I took him back he denied ever saying it or said “I told you want you needed to hear to come back to me”. He has “apologized” in that back handed way they have since the last split but once again he wasn’t owning it. and when it didn’t have the desired result and I refused to be his friend I was immediately totally to blame for everything again.
      If a person has truly changed he would apologize and understand that the victim might not forgive him, or that he will have to prove he has changed over time. But they don’t want to have to prove anything, they expect instant forgiveness and the slate to be swiped clean. That is not a changed person.

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  2. Incognito, you are so right!!!! My God I have been there!! After about 3 months of no contact mine called saying he had been given 6 months to live and could he come and talk to me. He cried real tears, admitted to everything and didn’t blame me once, totally owned his shit. I wasn’t as smart as you and took him back.
    Two years later while I am packing to leave for the last time I come across his journal and find out at the time he was telling me he knew I was the only woman he would ever love and knowing he was dying had changed him he was living with another woman in another province and trucking between the two of us plus still on POF and meeting women. And he is still alive, and it’s been 7 years. He had a miraculous healing when he met the new woman.

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    1. Incognito, omg your ex sounds like a clone of jc, exactly the way I would have described him when I met him. He was such a gentleman, never raised his voice even if he bashed his hand with a hammer, he was so even tempered I thought I had won the lotto of love LOL He used to cry all the time, the first time he said he loved me, any time we had a tiff he would pack me off to bed and hold me and cry. The last couple of years he was a cold evil heartless bastard. Unfortunately there are women out there desperate enough to take them. When I met my ex he had money and a good job etc and was 10 years younger, much better looking than when we split. At the time that we split he got fired for stealing and they wouldn’t release his final pay cheque, he was driving a shitbox car, he was bald, living in a mouse infested pig stye because he was such a slob, he owed $20,000 in fines so he didn’t have a driver’s license, his car broke down in this woman’s driveway. She was a widow and let him move in, gave him her new car to drive, she went and cleaned his trailer and packed his stuff and moved him into her house. She “lent” him the $20,000 to pay his fines, he got another job and a month later the cops were at the door because he had stolen something from the new job. She used to have a house with renters upstairs and that was her only income but he talked her into selling it so now she is totally reliant on him, he moved her away from her family, she is hooped. I tried to warn her but she was blinded by love and I can well imagine he told her some wild tails about what a bitch I was and it was all my fault he had nothing. But even before I met him I would not have moved a guy into my house and given him $20,000 after knowing him for 6 weeks.
      I am glad you are enjoying the blog and find something worthwhile here. I really like chumplady also, she doesn’t mince words, she says it like she sees it. I get a good laugh some days. I love that line, “Teach me how to be a man” I guess they really don’t realize how stupid they make themselves sound sometimes.

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  3. It’s amazing how all these stories are a blueprint of each other, and they all are incapable of change. I recently found out she was a narc so I researched and researched to see if they could be helped, healed, or fixed. I was even dumb enough to have tried help her do it! Partly because I just didn’t want it to be true. I finally came to the conclusion, they can’t be helped or healed.

    She agreed to go to couple’s therapy so I would take her back. But these are total false promises. We only went three times, because there was always some kind of crazy making. Also, the therapist was catching on causing her “narcissistic injury” and she couldn’t have that! Carrie said it best, “If you are born without or lose a limb, you can’t grow one back. It’s the same with a conscience.” It’s not possible. I stopped spinning about it after that. Thanks!

    Warm wishes to everyone.

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  4. Stop and think of the money, the property, the job, friends you gave up to be with him (I moved to another state) then out of no where you are totally isolated, electronically stalked, degraded, insulted, mysterious accidents, threatened and deprived of money. Every promise is another lie. So you leave and return to your home state. Then he wants to make up and take you on a vacation which just happens to be your apartment. Cheap asshole! When you say think of somewhere new and we can meet there…..he replaces his sim card with an alternate number and takes another woman on an expensive vacation not 50 miles from your apartment. He lies about it, of course, but when he gets served with divorce papers, then the begging begins. Since he’s caught, admits to what he did but it was not a girlfriend, it was a friend because she was grieving her husband that died a month before. GIVE ME A BREAK ALREADY! In five years I never heard of this friend, never she nor her husband called the house. What kind of woman vacations with another man to scatter her dead husband’s ashes in a city he never visited?

    So recently, he wants to turn over a new leaf, a new beginning and you know with the Narc it means wipe that slate clean and forget the whole thing. So you say “ok honey but I truly need to hear some remorse for spending $5000 on a vacation with another woman, and disconnecting the phone. Whether you had sex is not the issue, You must understand you broke my heart by doing this knowing I was waiting to hear ideas on this new beginning you asked for . You wanted to be here because it was your vacation and you work hard. What I wanted was meaningless (like always). You lived with another woman at a hotel for two weeks and paid for all expenses, (two alcoholics, etc. ) Do you understand how you would feel if I did this to you? In your hometown and at the special places we shared private memories?” And he responds to you, ” Sweetheart, I have apologized so many times, and I will once again to make you happy. I AM SO SORRY I DID THAT TO YOU, I APOLOGIZE. BUT SHE WAS JUST A FRIEND ANYWAY.”
    Then after a while he adds, “Explore your heart and stop shitting on me”
    What audacity!
    My response is, “If you owned your own shit, it won’t ever come back to you.”
    This Narc is die hard!! Nothing has changed. An they believe you are stupid because of your past track record.

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  5. Oh, I was doing everything wrong and “he couldn’t take it anymore”. “If I could change THIS or THAT and THAT and THIS’ we would have been ok” I heard it ALL.
    And when I did KICK HIM OUT and try to move on< Guess what? YUP here he was keeping the onslaught of hope open. Now, I know he was just getting me in to punish and torture me.
    He NEVER owned his shit, still doesn't.
    I'm crazy etc etc., NOW I fell for the triangulation once & he made a huge mockery of me in a social setting, pitted the new one vs me and triangulated us. I fell for it ( I hadn't read that chapter yet- dammit!) but won't fall for it again. He is shoving her down my throat in the social scene in the paper w pics etc., Its disgusting. And even last night realized he had been for months before I even knew it.
    Jeez, I'm still reeling, even though I know whats up.
    At the DISCARD, he attacked me and said "Go be your wonderful f-ing self! with your TV show everyone loves, and live in your land with everyone who loves you" and on and on attacking ALL THSAT I AM and good that I have.
    Sadly, I get a wave of remembering either a slam and get sad, or even one good thing that i miss, and I cry and grieve.
    ITs only been 2.5 months since that last discard attack, and i'm still in hell. Praying for all of us,
    Namaste, C

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  6. I just want to add something to ‘he would simply go on with his life, happy to be free of you, if you were such a bitch’. Mine thankfully never approached me after I finally left. In a way you could say he moved on and I was the bitch if I’m reading this, cause as far as I know there have been no smear campaigns etc (I left him with a page or two of all I knew that he didn’t want me to put out there – precious false image). I know a lot of survivors who never heard from their abusers again in any way or form. They are not bitches and it doesn’t mean their abusers did change because they were not slandering their victims in a big way.

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  7. Susan, that is true, just because he doesn’t try to get you back or doesn’t slander you doesn’t mean the woman was a bitch. But you don’t know what he has said behind your back and I have known them to try to get a previous victim back 15 years later. Never say never. 🙂

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