Who Are You and What Are You Worth?

identity

You may not think about it on a conscious level but we all carry a belief about our value in the world. This is a great article about determining your worth.

After James and I split, especially after I lost my business, Lady Witha Truck; I had a bit of an identity crisis. I don’t think it is that unusual for the victim of narcissistic abuse to feel worthless which stems from not having a good sense of who you are and what you stand for.

I found myself in a place where I didn’t “belong” to anyone. I had been so-and-so’s daughter, then I was someone’s wife, after I had Kris I was Kris’s mom, When I introduced myself I literally would say, “I’m Carrie, Kris’s mom, or Victor’s wife,  or James wife, and then I became the “Lady Witha Truck”, without realizing it I was attaching my worth as a person to who or what I was attached to. I had started my company during a period when James and I were living apart but still dating, I had left him and gotten a job and then bought the truck. I was independent of him for the first time in 4-5 years and I loved being the “lady witha truck”, it symbolized my independence and autonomy (to me and to James). I got well-known as the lady with a truck, especially after I was in the newspaper; I had people stopping me in the street to say they had seen me in the paper or asking where my cool dog was. It was great for my ego, I was the only woman who was hauling scrap metal totally on her own without the help of a man and men loved it (so did I, the attention was just what I needed after a few years of James devaluing me.

Unbeknownst to me James worked behind the scenes trying to destroy that, although he liked the attention being my boyfriend got him and the perks of cool stuff he got off my truck he hated the independence it gave me. I fought hard to keep it because it became, over time; who I was and it became more important than being James’s girlfriend. It is hard to explain but it affected all aspects of how I viewed myself. I felt more attractive physically, I was independent financially, I felt popular, confident and well ……… valuable. When James was able to destroy my truck and I was unable to afford to fix it any more I went into a deep depression, I literally had a nervous breakdown. He would promise to fix my truck and I would wait with bated breath, literally; to see if he would keep his promise to fix it on his next days off. Then he wouldn’t fix it and I would know it would be another week before there was any hope. Every day that I woke up and realized I could not work, not get in my truck and be the lady with a truck, a little piece of me died.

When I lost the truck and James almost simultaneously I broke totally and that was when I quite calmly decided to kill myself. I had no value, James was telling me to kill myself because no man would ever want a psycho bitch like me anyway. Like without a man, without him I was worthless. As long as I had my truck I still felt I had value. Now I was nobody, Kris was on his own, I didn’t have a husband, or a business, not even any friends. Who was I?

I had a tough couple of years trying to figure out who I was, what I stood for, where was my value. that is when I decided to start the blog and in a round about way give myself worth by declaring to the world how worthless I was. By sharing my experiences of being broken and discarded I hoped other people would be helped and in doing so I would be of some value in the world, me being here was not a waste, I did something worthwhile in my life.  It worked, better than I ever anticipated it would. It started a series of  revelations  and insights that led to me finding myself and my worth, just as Carrie. When I meet people now I introduce myself as Carrie, I don’t “belong” to anyone. If someone takes the time to get to know me I as the owner of a great dog, a mother, grandmother, activist, blogger, honest, and a work in progress.

How do you determine your worth? Not what your logical mind tells you but deep down what are you worth? who or what determines your worth?

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6 thoughts on “Who Are You and What Are You Worth?

  1. I am struggling with this a lot right now. In fact I’ve been struggling with it for a long time. I’m dealing with it in therapy so I hope to get somewhere with it.

    I’ve had to go NC with my FOO so that’s been a big contributor lately to my confusion as well. I’ve had tons of different kinds of jobs and at one point I identified fairly strongly with one in particular but even that wasn’t something I felt all that attached to.

    I’m not married, have no kids and feel like I’ve been building myself ‘back’ up from trauma for a really long time, except in reality there’s no “back” about it. I don’t remember ever not really feeling some sort of depression or the draw to escape it. Pretty sad and pathetic I guess. I’m feeling pretty exhausted by the whole half step forward and 5 steps back.

    So right now I guess my identity is pretty much no identity. In fact I’ve been spending a bunch of time thinking about getting my blog going again. I had a slow start for a while then shut it down to private. I have so much written…letters to the ex, stuff about my family, etc. in journals and folders that I really want to go back and re read and post. I think there’s a lot there I can learn about myself.

    I keep pondering though about the name. This safire falcon…I came up with that on a whim when I read something about falcons that resonated at the time and the safire (sapphire) part is about a ring I inherited from my grandmother. My uncle thought it was a symbol to her of her independence since she bought it after her divorce…when my uncle was still pretty young.

    Then I found that it’s a name of a plane too and I definitely don’t identify with that. LOL.

    So I’ve been wanting to change the name but since I’m wrestling with my self identity and who I am, I’m having a difficult time with coming up with something else.

    OK I think I’ve rambled enough. I know I didn’t really answer the question but it’s what came up for me.

    Btw: I clicked on the Like button and a new tab opened and took me to Stumble Upon. Not sure why but I’ve encountered that on other posts of yours lately as well.

    Like

  2. hmm, about the like button thing I will have to remove it and put it back and see if that helps. As for the rest I think you should reread your old posts and I bet you do learn a lot about yourself. I did so much growing with this blog, learned so much about myself.
    Now is the perfect time for you to really get into the challenge of finding out who you really are. It seems like a daunting task to create yourself, I mean how do you decide who you want to be? I was overwhelmed by it but I felt so lost and broken I HAD to do something so I just started with whatever came to my mind first. Have you taken the personality test, it made me think about how I react to situations and gave me an idea of what my core beliefs are and then I could see where I wasn’t living true to myself. It gives a jumping off point.
    It doesn’t happen over night and it helps if you have some where or someone to bounce things off of and a blog would be a good place.
    I like the name Safire Falcon, it has a ring to it and if it feels comfortable to you, keep it.
    I don’t think Lady Witha Truck really represents what I blog about at all, and I have thought about changing it but I am so far into it now that I can’t really change it and I don’t know what else I would call it either. It isn’t me any more. But then any name I changed it too probably wouldn’t be me a few years down the road anyway.
    Life is constantly changing and learning and growing. That is the neat thing about “being” we can always improve and be a better version of ourselves no matter how old we get.

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  3. Great article..I can relate on so many levels. It has been 2 1/2 years since I left my Narc husband, I feel I am just getting my sea legs back so to speak, I am really enjoying discovering who I am, I am enjoying working with other women who Have been abused, I have a young women I just took in and am enjoying being able to give back the kindness, I have been shown. So, I guess who I want to be is a person who makes a difference in other people’s lives. I love the expression, “I want to inspire people, I want someone to look at me and say..because of you I did not give up.”

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    • Cheryl, I feel the same way. It is because of my abusive ex that I went on the soul searching self analysis that brought me such inner peace. My whole adult life I wondered what my purpose for being here was. I worried about leaving the world a better place because I was here. Through this blog I have found what I feel is my purpose in life. I also want to be proof that you can survive narc abuse and thrive!
      Thanks for commenting. hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  4. When I called my Narc to tell him the the New York State Senate had just passed a law I had written, lobbied and was named after my dog he said,” you finally have your day in the sun”. I had spent 7 years on this and the governor, Andrew Cuomo, was signing it into NYS law in a few weeks. I had called my Narc out of excitement. I had just stepped off the senate floor to call him and I was met with sarcasm, jealousy and ridicule. MANY people in the animal rights community know my name. Even powerful politicians, Peter King, Mitt Romney, George Bush have written me…..the Narc wants to minimize who I am and what I have done.

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