Happy Narcissist Free Valentine’s Day!

unvalentines

I understand right now you are far from “happy”, you are lonely, imagining him off with his new love, giving her everything you wanted and more and you are sitting home broken and miserable.

Be honest with me now, did the narcissist EVER do anything nice on Valentine’s Day? Your birthday? Christmas? OK, aside from the very first one you had with him, but I mean over the course of the whole relationship, was there ever a special holiday you weren’t disappointed somehow?

If you did get gifts or attention paid to you it was because it made the narcissist look good to do it because they never do anything unless there is something in it for them.

I always went overboard on holidays, even when I was a single mom I cut out dozens of paper red hearts and hung them from the ceiling on red ribbons. I didn’t expect men to go to the extent I did to celebrate, I just liked any reason to decorate the house and cook a nice meal.  So when JC and my first Valentines came along I went all out. We had been dating for about 3 months and had gotten into a comfortable, give and take, mutual appreciation type relationship. He had tearfully told me he was falling in love with me after about a month, we spoke every day and I had never been treated so well, I wanted to show my appreciation (not be like all the previous women in his life who took him for granted).  I had a key to his place, Valentine’s was on a Saturday and he worked part time on Saturday so I had his place to myself all day. He was used to me being there when he got home from work on Saturday and I hadn’t come Friday night and was looking forward to seeing him with nervous anticipation. I really did love him and just seeing him gave me butterflies.

I brought the ingredients for a gourmet finger food type dinner, red balloons, a loving card, made a decadent dessert, bought a couple of bottles of nice wine and his favorite booze, Rye so I could have his drink ready when he got home. I laid chocolate hearts on the floor leading from the door to the bathroom, in the bathroom I had a hot bubblebath, his drink waiting, and a card telling him to get in the tub I would be right there. I was in a sexy little number, red lace I had bought just for this occasion. I planned on giving him a nice bath, washing his back etc and then leading him into the bedroom for more “pampering”.

But I waited and waited, he was never late but he was that day, then his phone rang. He had forgotten his cell phone, I didn’t answer, I never answered his phone, I had been raised you never look in someone’s wallet and you never answer their phone. I poured myself a glass of wine, checked my look in the mirror, lit some candles, and then heard something hit the window, and again, I went to look outside and heard my name being called, down below was JC throwing rocks at the window trying to get my attention, he had forgotten his key and phone and didn’t know how he was going to get in.

He told me to run downstairs and let him in. So much for my surprise, oh well, I threw some jeans on and ran down to open the main door. He was saying how he was about to climb up the balconies to get in and he had been throwing rocks for quite a while. He didn’t have any flowers in his hands and when we got to the apartment I let him open the door. At first he didn’t see the chocolates and even when he did, it didn’t register at first and then when he got to the bathroom and saw the card and bath the light went on. “Is it Valentine’s Day? oh shit! Babyyyy…… I forgot! I am so sorry.” I laughed, he looked so sorry. “That’s ok, you do nice stuff for me all the time.” He said he would go out and buy me some flowers and I told him not to be silly. he didn’t want a bath and took me into the bedroom right away and we made love. He wasn’t very hungry so my meal sat getting cold.  He didn’t say much about the trouble I had gone to but I told myself he was embarrassed about not getting me anything.

The next morning we went to the local aquarium store to buy fish, (our favorite thing to do on Sundays) The staff at the store knew us well from our Sunday visits and knew we were new lovers. The owner’s wife asked if we had a good Valentine’s day and JC started to expound on all the work I did, putting the chocolates out and all and how he had forgotten. The woman gave him shit and I stood up for him, she said,”Well, its never too late, and i bet he never forgets again.”

Little did any of us know he would never remember, in 10 years, worse than not remembering, he simply didn’t acknowledge special occasions because he knew I wanted him to. Oh wait, I am lying, the last year; when his son lived with us, he brought me a 1/2 eaten box of marked down chocolates that he tossed at me as he walked in the door. I made a big deal about thanking him for them, after all he said I never appreciated anything he did for me and I only ever looked for things to bitch about.

He managed to destroy every special event so I found it better to not make a big deal about it. Like he used to say, “People without expectations are never disappointed.” But they are, they end up living a life of disappointment. Never anything to look forward to, never able to do something special for someone, and every day is just another day.

valentine specialBut Valentine’s Day has historically been a disappointment for me, I have always felt it was one of the most commercialized, put unnecessary pressure on relationships and set people up for disappointment. I remember the years when I was younger and worked in the bank or an office and the flowers would start coming through the door and it was more about who got the most bouquets or the biggest bouquet and less about the guy or how much the woman cared about the guy. If you were single you felt left out and if you were in a relationship it was a competition to see who got the most bouquets or the biggest most expensive gifts. Women in relationships expected rings, couples who just started dating didn’t know what to do, ignore the day, get her something and then she thinks you care more than you do? if you are seeing more than one girl do you buy them all something? It is the one holiday I really feel sorry for the guys, they are almost set up to fail and guys struggle with gift buying at the best of times.

Valentine’s Day really means nothing to me any more. It is a commercialized occasion designed to make you spend money. I suppose I would be happy to get flowers on Valentines, or any day of the year but not if the guy treated me like shit the rest of the year. After 9 years with JC I had grown to dread him doing anything romantic because if he did, it was always followed by something equally cruel to counteract it. Just in case I foolishly thought he loved me.

I don’t mean to minimize that some of you are hurting today but in the big picture, how important IS Valentine’s Day?

Personally, even if I was with a man I couldn’t care less about getting a gift on this day. I would be a lot more concerned with how he treats me all year and knowing that he was going to be around the next time I have a bad cold and he will bring me cough medicine, or he’ll be there with a paint brush the next time I want the living room painted, or he’ll surprise me with candles and cook me dinner just because he loves me and appreciates me. A guy that will massage my feet while we watch TV, or hold me when I cry over a sad movie, or who lets me adopt that sad little puppy. Someone who asks how my day was and actually listens and tells me he is proud of me. A man who thinks I am still sexy at 50 or 60 and tells me often. Someone who says he loves me everyday,even when I say it first because I need to hear it.

I bought my neighbor a Valentine’s card and gave her and her daughter a little gift to open this morning.

For those of you obsessing about how alone you are today I challenge you to really think about why it is so important to you and if it is worth ruining your whole day or week over. In the big  picture, really, is this the worst thing that has happened to you, does it have any affect on the future? does it define who you are? your value? It had better not.

vd

Don’t let yourself put too much importance on a simple commercialized holiday that has absolutely nothing to do with love. So many times we get ourselves worked up over something long before it happens. “I am going to be so lonely on Valentine’s Day, I am going to be so sad and miss my ex.” That self defeating inner talk that is guaranteed to make you miserable. Why do you do that to yourself? It is a day, one day and it has 24 hours just like every other day of the year and it will pass like every other day of the year.

Narcissist in training
Narcissist in training
Advertisements

15 thoughts on “Happy Narcissist Free Valentine’s Day!

  1. Good reminder. Normally, I don’t put much importance on Valentines Day…I wasn’t even thinking of my ex psycho much (just a vague stray thought here and there-no biggie!). I kind of marveled that he wasn’t on my mind hardly. I can’t even really say I missed him as too much time has elapsed, and by now, he’s mostly just someone I used to know for a brief time.

    As the day wore on, I was feeling a bit listless, at not having anybody,. other my loving family close by….actually, seeing my first love, aka Facebook friend (who apparently has signed up on POF, and posted on his FB timeline a response from a woman he’d received a response from…kind of triggered it!

    I finally sent him a pretty non-descript, non-romantic Happy Valentine’s day ecard asking him to be my Valentine. The kind you’d send to most any friend or family member with a picture of baby chick on it. I can’t believe I did that. He responded with a simple “Thank you.” Well, it’s been 44 years, so too much time has also elapsed there! Probably a good thing. An ex is usually an ex for good reason!

    So, I get to spend a quiet evening at home, relaxing and watching TV as I do little chores. It’s a good life…but sometimes, I think…gee, it would be nice to have someone to snuggle up to besides the cat! LOL. I’m good though. Great post!

    Like

  2. Excellent read!! I can relate. And I have been away from the narc for 7 years, divorced for 5, and just completed the final round of court a few weeks ago. For the first time, I am WHOLE again. I love your blog may we continue to realize that we are awesome. ❤

    Like

    1. This was just what I needed to read today. Thank you! I know I am better off without him, but there’s always that lonely feeling of being by yourself when you feel like the rest of the world is in love on a day like today. You put it in perspective, if he was here I would be more miserable wondering what was going to set him off next.

      Like

    2. Suzanne, congratulations on being away for 7 years and finally being done with court. What a relief that must be!! Now you can move forward with your life without the black cloud of the N hanging over your life. Go forward and flaunt your awesomeness!!! Thanks so much for commenting, I love to hear from people who have healed and made it to the other side.
      Glad you enjoyed the post.
      Hugs

      Like

  3. I was totally in love last year on Valentine’s Day. I had found someone new (my first after leaving my abuser) and he had me convinced it was the real deal. This year I expected to be upset on this day, but instead I found myself happy, relieved that I was with people I cared about (my kids) and not with the wrong person. I am unable to settle, and glad that I have become that way. So the holiday reminds me that I am doing what I want to do (free to be alone, make my own choices), and it gives me a commercialized chance to show my kids that I love them. This is the longest I have ever been single, and I love it. I am not dating, and I don’t want to.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. threekidsandi, that is wonderful!! I love to hear a woman say she enjoys being single by choice. I am not against love or relationships but I wish I would have found this inner peace 20-30 years ago, it would have saved me a lot of heart ache. Congrats on falling in love with yourself! Awesome!
      Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Carrie—Hi, could you please contact me directly at my email? I have an issue I need to discuss with you privately, not on this forum. (No worries, I am fine, I just want to keep it that way—you will understand later). Thanks, Pam

    Like

  5. Oh yes valentines day 2004. I was in the middle of about a 3 month layoff just like every other yr for the last three yrs. I was home and made a steak dinner with a dozen red roses waiting for when she got home. I worked my ass off for 9 months out of the yr working in concrete construction. I knew I would have to tell her that the unemployment check was going to be delayed two weeks because of a 1 week warm up which allowed me to work for a few days, when that happens you basically come off unemployment for a week then you have to go through the beginning of the set up process again which is a three week waiting period. Anyway when I finally told her the last thing I expected was to witness a fit of rage and saw her fist smash into the mashed potatoes I prepared (dont get to excited ladies they were instant:). Potatoes going all over the kitchen and herself like a 2 yr old. I was shocked. But even more shocked when the flowers were knocked off the table and even more astonished when I was accused of making this dinner for her because I knew I was a screw up and trying to make up. Forget that ive done many nice things for her out of the blue anyway let alone on valentines day. Almost as shocking as the time I had to pull over and pick our wedding pictures up that were thrown out the window because I “flirted” with a friends 18yr old sister who I walked in a wedding with. Yep just another normal day with a delusional crazy person. Cant believe that I allowed her to convince me that we were good. 2009-2012 I thought we were unbreakable. It changed overnight. A month after a surprise 10yr wedding anniversary trip to the east coast I planned. I told her way to much in those three yrs. Everything I told her as a spouse has been used against me. About myself. About our friends anything. Things we used to laugh and make fun of or joke about. If you are on the fence about getting back with one of these people, find the strength and support and fight it with all your might. I have met a great woman and have been with her for 8 months now, and I know its early but its like for the first time I feel like I have been spending time with a real woman. No not because she cooks and cleans, although she does help me with that at times and its great:), but because she respects me, my girls love her, shes very unselfish and it just feels really good. I was young when I married and I am just now willing to admit that there was many red flags. I thought she was just young, or maybe extremely selfish. All those times she told me I was a loser and she hated me , she actually meant it. I guess I was arrogant in a sense cause I grew up in a loving big family with great parents and knew if I did nothing else right in this world I could be a loving husband and dad. I learned from the best. I was way wrong. Its hatd to accept when they finally leave you, but at the sametime it is also showing that you have had enough, because they are leaving because you refuse to back down and you stop fueling them, so they discard you and everything you ever attempted to be for them. So this valentines day I spent coaching daughters basketball team and now have 2 other girls staying all night with my girls. A visit from a kind and really great woman with some Wendy’s burgers topped off the night. Was a very simple and unstressful night

    Like

    1. Zonafan, that sounds like a great valentines to me. Congratulations on getting away from the psycho bitch and finding a woman who appreciates you. I hope you have many more valentines with the people who deserve your attention and they are all uneventful and stress free.
      Much love and serenity to you!

      Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s