Dating Tips

 

dating game

I have subscribed to a new “Dating Advice” YouTube advice (what do you call it, it’s not a column, it’s not a blog) whatever; the guy’s name is Matthew Hussey and he gives some really sound and logical advice on dating, getting the guy (or girl) and the bonus is, he’s cute as hell and makes me smile. (he’s young enough to be my son but I am not blind)

I actually started watching his videos because I thought he was another one of those, “How to Manipulate Women” type dating advice guys; and I wanted to learn the tactics they use (knowledge is power) I was pleasantly surprised. He has very realistic, honest advice to give and so far I find myself agreeing with him 100%.

Now, I am not suggesting you all start dating, I don’t advocate anyone dating too soon after being with a narcissist because I think the victim has a lot of healing to do and could be looking for someone to “fix” them and make them feel better after being destroyed by a narcissist which is a lousy reason to start dating. My rationale for thinking it is a lousy idea to date too soon is this:

1. You are looking to the new guy for value, which puts a lot of pressure on this relationship; it is going to make whether he likes you or not much more important than it should be and if by chance he doesn’t really like you it is one more rejection to make you feel unworthy of love and unattractive.

2. You are going to try too hard to be attractive to him and not be yourself; you will be turning your focus from the N and transferring it to the new guy. For one thing the obsession with what the Narc is doing is unhealthy, if you transfer it to the new relationship you automatically turn the new relationship into an unhealthy one but now it is YOU who IS  unhealthy and you turn the lies the narc has been accusing you of into reality.

3. You will want the guy to like you so badly that you will get yourself hooked up with any guy just to have a guy and then wonder why you are always angry or upset because the guy is not what you want. It isn’t the guy’s fault, he is just being who he is but you tried to change into the kind of girl he wanted instead of being yourself. You can’t keep up that persona and eventually will go back to being yourself and viola; now you have problems and you are working on a relationship that never should have started in the first place.

4. Before you start dating someone new (and this goes with any relationship, not just with a narc) you have to find your single self again. By this I mean; in any dating relationship you progress into a compromise of two blended lives, you establish a way of interacting, you reach a level of intimacy that can only be attained with time. If you start dating too soon there is a very real tendency to jump straight into a serious relationship and miss the very important early steps of getting to know someone.

5. There is a risk of transferring the problems you had in the previous relationship into the new relationship; you are hyper vigilant, suspicious, on edge for any changes in his moods, “what did he mean by that” and there is a likelihood you will read stuff into his actions that isn’t there OR ignore red flags because you are afraid you are being paranoid. Much better to heal first and go in a whole, healthy person with clear boundaries and healthy sense of self.

6. You could end up hurting someone else and actually doing to him/her what the narc did to you. You want someone to want you so badly you hook up with the first guy that shows you attention, thinking he will heal you but he is not someone you can ever really love and once you feel better about yourself you realize the guy is not the kind of guy you want and you try to change him. Because he is not the kind of guy you would ever love he can never live up to your expectations but because he loves you (or the person you projected to be) he keeps trying to make you happy. Whereas with a narcissist it is intentional does it make it any better that you didn’t do it maliciously; you still end up hurting someone.

7. After leaving a relationship with a narcissist you are a prime target for the next narcissist to that comes along; and you will be a narc magnet immediately after being with a narcissist; you might as well wear a sign that says, “Narcissists Apply Here.”  You are craving attention and forget that the narc thought you were the best thing since sliced bread when you started dating him and only remember the final discard stage and how he loathed you. So a new narcissist comes along and thinks you are the best thing that ever happened to him, you are perfect, where have you been all his life, you are the most beautiful, most exciting, most intelligent, the sexiest woman and he can’t believe his good fortune to meet you. Six months down the road you are being discarded again and you are devastated even worse than before because you never healed from the first narc.

8. You have compromised all your standards, bent over backwards to please the narc, you have no self-respect or deal breakers so you don’t set boundaries with the new guy and continue to feel used and unappreciated and not even know why for sure because you didn’t take the time to find out what you need to be happy. You end up waiting for a guy to make you happy because you aren’t picky about who you date and just hope they are what you need instead of finding a guy who has the same interests and values as you.

9. You could ruin a perfect relationship or miss the perfect guy because you are so hurt and have built a wall around your heart that no one could break through, you never really let your guard down so it is impossible for a relationship to grow.

10. You owe it to yourself and any future men in your life to heal, figure out what is important to you, set boundaries that are important to you (everyone has their own deal breaker boundaries, it is a very personal thing) and learn to love yourself so that if a guy doesn’t appreciate the person you are you have the self-confidence to move along and chalk it up to experience. A woman who is sure of herself, is not looking for a man to fix her, who stands firm to her ideals and has her own life is MUCH more attractive to a healthy man. So consequently you attract healthy men not men who are looking to control and abuse a woman. When a man knows he had better treat this woman right or she will walk, he can’t help but treat her with respect; if he values her, and if he doesn’t value her you don’t want him.

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The link to Matthew’s site is here, even if you don’t have the desire to start dating yet, it doesn’t hurt to prepare yourself for the eventuality that you will want a man in your life again. Why not be proactive and learn how to date in a healthy way long before you even need the skills.

Once again I want reiterate; I am NOT promoting dating. I thought it was disgusting that our local woman’s shelter had links to dating sites in their section on resources for women who have been abused. I AM suggesting you develop a healthy attitude about dating before you venture out there again.

Gained knowledge + personal awareness + honest communications = happy life and healthy relationships

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10 thoughts on “Dating Tips

  1. safirefalcon

    You Tubers have “channels”.
    Sorry I know that isn’t your point, and I couldn’t contain myself long enough to read this before I commented. I’m a Youtube aholic. Lol But I don’t watch too much on dating. In the past I’ve come across a couple guys, one of them pretty much dominates the talks, and he goes on and on about how to get the girl. One video was a talk to a room full of guys. What he says makes me wanna puke because it is so obvious it’s about manipulation and ‘getting laid.’

    I’ll check this guy out when I get a chance, although I’m not sure I will ever want to date again.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Safire, THANK YOU! You know when you know the word you want but you just cannot think of it? It was driving me crazy because it was on the tip of my tongue. It happens more the older I get. Kinda scary.
      I think you will like this guy, I was sick of the same thing as you, guys talking about manipulating women in order to get laid, so I was really surprised when this guy was teaching women to respect themselves and have healthy relationships. I’m with you on the “I doubt I will ever date again” train of thought, but I have also learned to never say never so I might as well be prepared and listening to his videos helped me get more comfortable with just being me.

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      1. Kathy

        Carrie, Matthew Hussey is good.. So is Evan Marc Katz and Mimi Tanner(Excellent)!! Sign up for Mimi’s emails and go the Evan Marc Katz’s Blog.. Excellent info every few days..

        I have been subscribing to these dating gurus for a few years.. Yes, I have learned a lot.. It is hard to practice all of it depending on the situation. The one thing that I have really learned is YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE RIGHT GUY for any of this to work… I have practiced a lot of their advice on the wrong men.. That is the hardest part.. Finding a great guy you are attracted to..

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        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Kathy, thanks for the other recommendations. I know I am guilty of it myself in my younger days, I was more concerned about whether the guy liked me than if he was the right man for me. We have to decide what we need and want in a man and then not settle for less. I did way too much settling when I was younger. I didn’t think I was settling when I met James but then I didn’t know about narcissists at that time.
          Now I am finally old enough with enough experience that I know how to date and have lost all desire to bother. haha go figure! if I ever do have the opportunity I think I am ready!

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  2. Pam

    Carrie–thanks for letting us know about Matthew. You are right, he’s easy on the eyes! Personally, I am a sucker for an accent so he’s really filling the bill!
    Another great site for insightful information is Theproblemismen.com–written by a man.

    BTW–have you seen today’s post on RapebyFraud.com? It recites a perfect description of everything I did wrong on the first date with my narc.
    It was literally the second date I had gone on after my divorce. I was waaaay too vulnerable to be attempting to date even though I had waited a full year following my divorce. The narc sized me up and love bombed me within 15 minutes.

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  3. Only Me

    I’m happy to say I’ve learned my lessons well. No longer on any dating sites, that I can remember anyway, I now pay attention to a man’s “tells”. His behavior in other words.

    I don’t think I’m a narc magnet in particular, but then again who knows? I can now see these dudes coming a mile off! If you are paying attention, his “tells” will tell on a man quicker than anything he says.

    Somethings I take note of… Does he try to rush you into a relationship? Does he/the courtship move along “bullet train” fast? Does he respect your boundaries?

    The last time I identified a narc early on (you gotta do this early before you become emotionally invested!) I told him he was moving faster than I was comfortable with, and I wanted to go slower! Did he listen? Nope! He whined, “then how can we know about each other?” (or something like it!)

    He completely IGNORED my warning to slow things down! Incidentally, the woman should always be control of the relationship pacing which should be SLOW!

    Another one who prided himself on his lovemaking skills and good looks, first suggested going out to dinner…I thought okay, once I consented, it quickly became let’s go out for drinks…okay, then it became let’s have sex and skip everything else! When I refused, he basically said I was being immature for not immediately jumping into the sack with him!

    All of these guys and more losers, I found on dating sites! One alarming thing I heard from my son was that women often expect as just as fast as men do when dating! If no sex by date 3, you’re out! Given all the diseases and STDs out there, there’s no way I’m shucking my drawers for a total stranger!

    It takes time to get to know someone. If you want to do this right, there needs to be a no sex rule in place for the first 6 months… by that time, your prospective new love should be showing you who and what he is!

    I suggest also doing background searches on a man’s criminal, mental health, and relationship history! Really, don’t ignore anything negative that turns up! A woman needs to pay attention. Anything he says or does strike you as odd, weird or peculiar? Don’t ignore it! Find out what’s really going on!

    Good luck to all, in your endeavors! May we all find true and lasting love!

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  4. Julie

    I never felt i was a narc magnet, or any other type of magnet. I was attracted to a man, I wanted him, I fell in love. But this experience with a narc taught me one very valuable lesson. Pay attention to a man’s actions. Forget the words. It’s BS. Watch his actions, his non-verbal language. Do the actions match the words? Actions speak so much louder than words. Actions mean everything. It’s a concept we all know about and grew up with and were raised to believe because it is so very true. It was a lot more difficult for me as we were long distance for the majority of the relationhip. So I bought all the lovey dovey bs as he sounded sooo sincere. But his actions i.e the first time he slammed the phone down on me, the time he would not have the time to LISTEN to me, the time I phoned and he told me he missed me and wanted to see me and not showing up the next day as we planned, the cat and mouse games, the avoidance games, the time he knocked me off his FB for mererly suggesting he sell his BMW to help himself out financially, the time he could not drive down to see me when he was just 2 hours away, and would not let me drive up to see him because he had to “rush back” home because he had an important something or other…anyway, all his actions, ALL, suffice a few good ones in here and there and in between, pointed to a man who had no respect for me. And no respect for HIMSELF. In hindsight, I see how much I gave and gave and sacrificed even, and how little I got in return. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS ladies. That’s something I need to integrate into my brain. Trust a man’s actions, not his words. His actions, not his words. His actions…his actions. I needed a therapist, at 125$ a pop, to remind me of that simple but very important notion. I’ll try not to forget it again.
    ,

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  5. whitewolf

    The lady i love has npd…. how do i break her hold… i feel we are all individual and am one not to give up… she meets my needs in so many ways but instantly turns cruel, has rages, or becomes very distant as though we had just met the day before

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