Healing and No Contact

There are people at all points in their healing journey, from someone a week or a few days out of the relationship to others who are a year or more away from the narcissist.  Every single one of the newly discarded victims has one question, “How do I heal? How do I go on?”

Every single survivor of a narcissist will tell you the same thing, “The secret to healing and getting over the narcissist is NO CONTACT.”  It is the number one, most important thing to do if you want to heal.

Most victims (notice I call the newly discarded victims and the people who have gone no contact survivors for a good reason, because anyone still in contact with the narcissist is remaining a victim and it is only when you end contact that you become a survivor)will do anything except go no contact. Ask them anything but don’t make them cut the N out of their life. The thought of it is enough to send them into an anxiety attack.

The narcissist has made them so dependent on them and their self-worth is so reliant on the narcissists approval that they literally feel they will fail to exist without the Narcissist. They feel empty without the narcissist. I can’t tell you exactly how the narcissist does it, I know it is emotional abuse, isolation, slow and insidious mental abuse that wears down the victim’s self-esteem and confidence. Depending on the finesse of the narcissist and how evil they are the victim suffers varying levels of dependency on the narcissist. Even though they may know in their logical mind that they don’t need the narcissist to survive, they were independent self-sufficient functioning adult when they met the N and they know they should be able to be that again; but everything in their being is telling them they can’t.

Feb26 078

I had to carry a long aluminum pole in my car and it went through the length of the car and freaked Stella out. She didn’t know what it was and being the scared-de-cat that she is, she was deathly afraid of it. She would have crawled on my lap if she wouldn’t have had to go past the pole to do it. It was an unreasonable fear, the pole was not going to hurt her but she was afraid of the unknown.


Feb26 073

I didn’t save her from the pole and ignored her panic so she had to deal with the pole being between us. A few minutes down the road she realized the pole was not going to hurt her and she had nothing to fear. Look how much more beautiful she is when she feel safe and confident. She barely looks like the same dog.

My point being? Don’t be a scared-de-cat, you are afraid of the unknown, you are afraid of what “might” happen if you are not in contact with the narcissist; you don’t know what will happen. No one knows what the future holds unless you stay with the N; then anyone who has stayed with the N can tell you exactly what will happen.

You will continue to be abused, you will give more of yourself to the N, you will become more afraid and you know what? it really isn’t attractive to be a cowering, anxious, nervous wreck that is always walking on eggshells. That is partly why you feel self loathing and are insecure;not just because the N tells you that you are nothing without him but because you don’t like who you have become. You have lost respect for yourself, you have allowed someone to treat you in ways you never would have thought you would.

The narcissist pulled you down to his level and believe me he will leave you there, and go off pretending to be you at some point, ridiculing you for allowing it to happen and laughing at your gullibility.

He will take on your personality, telling anyone who will listen that he is the victim of YOUR sick need to control and vindictive temper; he will regale everyone including your own family with tales of how he tried to help you, tried to love you enough, how he thought he could heal you with his love but it was like throwing his time and affections down a deep dark pit. How he barely existed while with you, he swallowed the poison you crammed down his throat; that no one could ever love him like you did but he knows better now because he has found the love of his life and she is nothing like you. Everything good in his life comes from loving her and he is so lucky to be free of your toxicity.

There is no healing while with a narcissist; ask anyone of the dozens upon dozens of victims that have visited these pages. There is not one exception to my knowledge; and you would think that if a narcissist had ever changed, someone would have come in here and set the record straight. Not once have I had a victim give the narc a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 5th chance and come back here expounding on how happy they are and how the narc finally realized the err of his ways and is now treating them like he did in the beginning. I will tell you this; I can’t count how many people have left here determined that they knew better than anyone here, their N was different, their love was special, this time he really meant it, this time he was going to get help and she/he had to give them the benefit of doubt and come back to say, “You were right, the abuse was worse. The good times only lasted until he got me back and now I have lost more and am even more broken”.

You are at a crossroads; you have two choices now that you know the truth about the narcissist
1. Stay for more abuse. You will resign yourself to a life full of fear, fear that he will leave you, fear that he will kill you, fear that nothing good will ever happen in your life again because with the N he never allows anything good to happen in your life and if by chance something good does get by him, he will make you pay heavily for the few moments of joy you might derive from it. You will be lonely even though you gave up everyone who loved you for his love you will feel a loneliness that eats away at you because you will look at the man you gave everything up for and he will look back at you with destain. You will stop believing his lies but you will tell yourself lies because it will be all you have left, hope and so you will live on hope, hope that someday he will love you for all you have sacrificed. But it will never happen. Do you know why it will never happen? Because a human being cannot be treated with such vicious disregard by a person and get over it. It damages you to the soul and even IF he did change, you would never be able to trust him again. Not to be faithful but most importantly; trust him with your heart. You know it subconsciously, he has killed a part of you that no one can heal but you.
or you can;
2. Leave.

I don’t know what will happen in your future because you will be in control of that so it could hold anything you want it to. I can tell you this much about the future without the narcissist in it; there will be no more turmoil, no more lies, no more playing detective, no more silent treatment, no one controlling when and where you go or what you wear, eat, or think. Good things will start to happen to you again,
I will be honest, it won’t happen overnight, in fact it could take over a year, but the healing will occur, it has to because if you are smart you will take the time to get to know yourself and you will find an inner peace you never knew possible. That inner peace comes from being pushed to your human limits and having to put yourself back together. It is an indescribable feeling to know you will be ok, you are ok and to be in total acceptance of life as it unfolds in front of you.

38 thoughts on “Healing and No Contact

  1. ajmullerusc

    I’m 10 days no contact after a brutal discard and very, very painful and traumatic 3 months. We dated on and off for over 2 years. This is the 3rd and worst discard. I’m suffering from severe PTSD and the addiction withdrawals are agonizing. I so badly want to talk to him even though I know it will bring me pain. I spent much of my day writing a long letter to him about what he’s done how I feel and why I allowed this for myself, while cryin get, and I’ve been so tempted to send it. But the words you have written hit home – especially #1. I’m looking for accountability and self awareness. I feel destroyed, empty, and gutted. I can hardly breathe or sleep through the night, and I have a constant migraine. Thank you for this. I love your blog.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      10 Days!! don’t break no contact now. You WILL regret it. Ask yourself what do you expect to get from sending the letter? A load off your chest? you got that by writing it. For sure you will not get the kind of response you want, or you won’t get one at all. and it opens the lines of communication again, for what? so he can reject you again? so he can give you a fake apology? or blame you again and make you doubt yourself again?
      Believe me! writing the letter was a great idea and great therapy but do not send it. I used to have huge long discussions with him in my head, tell him everything I thought about him, how he hurt me etc because I knew he would never respond the way I wanted him to. The truth was, he couldn’t fix what happened and he couldn’t fix me. I knew I had to fix myself and he would take every opportunity to drive the knife deeper in my heart.
      I didn’t sleep through the night for a long time. I slept on the couch, it was the only way I got any sleep. I didn’t sleep in bed for a year. i would fall asleep to the tv on and that way when i woke up i would watch a bit of tv and fall back to sleep. Do whatever works for you. it doesn’t mean it will be forever. i sleep in bed now and I sleep like a log. People say that you have to sleep in bed yada yada yada, what ever works for you, do it. I have heard of people who got a body pillow and slept with that against them so the bed was not so small. I had my dog sleeping with me and i still cuddle up to her at night.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Bonnie

      My heart goes out to you. That pain you are in? That is what the narcissist is thriving on. That is where he gets his power – from you feeling pain. Stop! You are beating yourself up for what he did to you. Stop! You ARE alright. You always WERE alright. You WILL be alright again. Please believe me when I tell you this. I have lived it. He does not FEEL his feelings like a normal person. LIke you and I. They are perfect in their own eyes, REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE TELLS YOU. They do not hurt when they hurt someone they say they love.. Deep down they HATE us for being good and loving people. Take your power back! You (and I) gave it to them. They are weak and evil, devoid of decent feelings. They live in a world that is only in their head. You are overloaded with his toxicity – all of the negative feelings of his own making that he has projected on to you. LOVE YOURSELF. BE KIND TO YOUSELF as if you just had a major operation. Yes you feel weak and lost right now – but that is just leftover feelings of how he undermined your sense of well-being. You don’t need him. You never needed HIM. You need a GOOD man, a NICE man. The real man that you think you love is the roach. What/who you fell in love with NEVER EXISTED. They have lived a lie life and believe their own lies. That is what makes them able to be so REAL but it is still FALSE. Stop looking back. Stop rehashing. RUN! STAND TALL! Learn from this – see where you trusted too soon, didn’t make sure his words and actions matched, didn’t realize you were dealing with a demon who is a MASTER MANIPULATOR. Let the confusion subside, be patient and give yourself time to heal. You are the one who can have a genuine loving relationship. Go find the man you can have it with and leave that creature in his web. Love listening to the sound of your own footsteps walking away from a never-ending nightmare. Let your wounds heal and do not think for one moment that you deserve this. NO ONE DOES. Peace and Love


  2. Ange

    Hi all… right, well i got discarded weds after I confronted my boyfriend on how cold he had been in the last couple weeks, to which he replied his feelings had changed, while all the time glaring at me like it was my fault and I was something he was chewing on that tasted awfull! Plus Bering in mind We had only been back together 6 weeks after he chased me no end to give him another chance after the last breakup! I was reluctant to give it another go the last time but after receiving a text one sat night when he knew I was out with friends stating that he was basically on the verge of killing himself if I didn’t help him with his cocaine habbit, I caved in and let him back into my life again… i so wish I hadn’t!
    So he started a 12 step program and at first he was all full of promises that now he was off the drugs that everything would be different because this was the root of all his problems, paranoia, selfishness, no empathy, lying, cheating, controlling ways! By now I had already started my research on narcissists a while ago so I was aware of the idealise, devalue and discard process but wanted to so much to believe it was the drugs that turned him into this horrible person not his actual personality. in fact I found him to be worse off the drugs then on them! He seemed to feel nothing at all without them, was even more unemotional, uncaring and into himself, he also completely lost interest in sex and blamed this on the lack of drugs, he’s been doing coke for 20 years, not daily but binging at the weekends.

    We have broken up many time, mainly when he was on a drug fuelled mission and got paranoid and started accusing me of all sorts! It would always result him in packing and going (to his ex I discovered).
    This time was very different (i felt the build up of discard coming, cold detached, no text in the day, not calling or returning my calls). normally when we argue,one or the other would say enough is enough, he would pack his things and go and I would let him, never tried to stop him and I always went no contact straight away but always give in and reply as soon as he messaged me….. text, text and more texts and all would be forgive again (and there as been a lot I needed to forgive him for trust me).

    So again he’s packed his stuff but messaged saying he couldn’t collect it until the next day (no explanation as to why his feelings have changed, no sorry for hurting my feelings thanks for supporting me and no kiss at the end, nothing! He was so angry at me but he was finishing it! Anyway I replied that was fine and deleted him completely from my phone.
    So i came home later to all his stuff packed and ready to go but this time I knew the M.O of leaving the odd thing here and there so he had a reason to contact me as before, so I gathered up all his odds and sods that he had left lying about and put them with the rest of his stuff, left a note on the top stating ‘ That’s everything, so there’s no need for any further contact and please leave my keys.

    Get home, his stuff has gone and at the bottom of my note to him was “best wishes Ang, thank you for EVERYTHING, AND I MEAN THAT, ok no contact xxx”. I then find me door key on the mat but no fob key for the main entrance door – he has always left both before and knows one goes with the other! I’m now left with a decion regarding my fob and getting it returned, so instead of me breaking no contact I got my best friend to message him regarding my fob and getting his mailing addressed changed. She messaged that I had requested the above and he messaged her straight back saying “if Ang wants the above she should message me herself and not be telling the world our business”, my friend politely message back “Ang no longer want contact with you so please respect her wishes! He didn’t respond, I knew he wouldn’t!!!

    I don’t want him back, my belly might be doing somersault but my head is so much clearer without him in it, controlling my every move, I met with a friend last night, stayed out for a drink after my shift tonight, I work in a pub and I felt so free… I know I don’t want him and the life I lead when I’m with him for the rest of my life…. I was so independent before I got with him, was happy with myself and I want that back for good…

    I thought this was the final discard, specially how coldly he done it, and I will never forgive him for that, I stood by him when he begged me to help him be normal, get of the drugs lead a normal life! and then threw me away like I was nothing, it was more typecast he looked at me that done it for me.. the mask fell and I truly see him for what he is…. a nasty, human being unable to love or appreciate any of the good things in life, to love and be loved, he will never get it .. he will be forever lonely no matter who he choses to try fill the void in his empty soul.

    So I’m a bit confused as whether I should expect the Hoover or not…???

    He said he didn’t feel the same and was unhappy with me, that he wanted to leave (he never sais that or looked at me in this way and he was sober/straight!!!).
    Agreed to no contact. But seemed aggravated that my pal messaged him not me.
    Kept my fob, why? Is this another form of controlling, does he just want me to contact him so he can ignore me so he still feels like he has the upper hand or is he planning another return attempt??

    Any views on the above would be greatly appreciated

    Wow this was meant to be a long story short, sorry xxx


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Ange, don’t worry about the length of your comment, that is what we are here for.
      Narcs can never be the “bad guy” so they will leave some mixed message good bye note that gets the victim confused and wondering what he meant by that. You have been here before, nothing has changed, he is maybe trying a different tactic or has another woman but even if it is years down the road he will try to get you back at some point. With my ex it was a year after we split and he had gotten engaged 8 days prior. We had split many times like you and your ex but we always got back together. It was “just the way we were”, we had a set dance that we did, I knew exactly how it would go and was sure he would be back in a few days like always and I was going to be strong this time. But then he didn’t do what he always did and he did find someone else. Or maybe in the past he had found someone else but couldn’t suck them in and this one was a willing victim. Who knows, who cares.
      He probably kept the fob to have a reason to contact you and to make you angry and contact him, it is a control thing. I would change the locks anyway to make sure he hasn’t had a copy made. Better safe than sorry. Splitting up is the most dangerous time with these soul vampires and you need to take all the safety precautions you can.
      No contact is crucial!! and it was wise to have a friend make the contact and not you.
      You have spent so long trying to anticipate his next move it has become an obsession and you will have to work at breaking that obsession. It no longer matters what he meant by that or what anyone thinks this or that means. REally, there is no way anyone can know for sure what is going through the mind of a narcissist. You can bet money that it is not anything good for you and that is who you have to start focussing on, YOU!!
      We are here anything you need to talk


  3. RehabTime

    I cannot begin to tell you how helpful this blog has been… i have been in the throws of being discarded for the last 2 months… questioning my sanity for getting involved with him for most part of the nearly 2 years we have been together as i knew from the get go there was “something wrong”. With me being 6 years older than him i thought my need to nurture and help him with “recovering” from his failed marriage and turmultious previous relationship alongside his therapy for BiPolar.ADHD.Abandonment issues. At one stage i ended up in a psych ward on one side of town whilst he was in the other… but when he came out and told me absolutely everything i wanted to hear i believed we had started what would be a lovely new beginning. And so it was for some time…. trying not to rehash too much at this stage this recent discard has been especially tough. But in my cirrent state i can honestly say that i am really gaining minute by minute stength by reading this site…. so thank you!! I am sure i will.need to vent some more in the weeks/months/but hopefully not uears to come xxx


  4. Carmen

    It’s been 10 months since I moved across the country away from the narc …after 10 years of breaking up and going back to him. The first eight years I knew something wasn’t quite right but couldn’t put my finger on what was off . I tried to walk away from him several times but always went back even after finding about the Web cam sex chats, the online affairs, this last time though I put out a voice recorder the first few times I didn’t get much on it and then one day I came home and picked up the recorder and I clearly remember saying out loud God if there is something I need to know please let me hear it now…and the flood gates opened I heard him calling a woman asking how much for the half hour, next call was to another woman asking if she wanted to get together for a quick hookup my heart drops into my stomach as I write this just like it did that day. I know I probably should not have shocked but to this day I’m still asking how could I have not known on another recording I hear him with another woman leading her to our bedroom. I have had no contact in these last 10 months but think about him everyday I just want to stop it. I lost a 17 yr friendship because of him well I won’t say him she probably needed to be out my life she showed no loyalty to me rather more to him. I’m trying to get on with my life the best way I can and find myself again and again wishing that it hadn’t turned out the way it has. Why can’t I just move on …when will the longing feelings for this man stop he has clearly moved on …I read everything I can on how to survive this sometimes it helps and I feel hope …then I’m feeling lost again wishing for something and someone that was never real…so sad


  5. Christina

    this blog has been so helpful! I’m gonna share my story because reading through those of others have really helped in making me realise that the horror of my own experiences has been lived through by countless others. I can be a survivor too- and get to that stage of being “so beyond giving a f*&k !”

    I left a 10 year stable (but sexless) relationship for a two year relationship with a narcissist. He was a garden variety narc who came across as passive and subdued but once I lived with him the rages, 5 hour long lectures, transference of all his issues onto me etc etc was truly mind boggling. I had to put a lock on my door in the middle of the night to feel that I had a flimsy boundary to protect me from him barging in and out, screaming abuse for hours at a time. (this didn’t stop him from shouting outside the door for hours daily!) I bent over backwards to accommodate and help him with his problems, and honestly, with his controlling OCD ragey ways, I can honestly say that life in prison would have had more perks!! I moved out after a year, but then continued the get-together/ discard tango phase for another year. I wish I had used that year to heal properly. It was devastating – and really, we are deluding ourselves that we can prevail over a personality disorder- these assh@les simply can’t be reasoned with! Dealing with it from a family of origin point of view (my mother was/is a ragey narc) I can see how it has been a pattern of familiarity- though a particularly traumatic one. SO, DON”T DO IT, DON”T GO BACK- NO CONTACT> ‘lady with a truck’ is so right- after how they have already treated you, you will never be able to trust them again. And they will devalue/discard as long as you let them or they move on, its worse every time. I could go into all the physical and nervou problems I developed, but no need- you know the score already!

    Fast forward the end of that 2 year ordeal- I had post traumatic stress where I would wake up in the middle of the night crying before I was even conscious, and in the early hours feeling like I was plugged into a wall socket with panic attacks as if my heart would burst from my chest from surges of anxiety. Three months later I encounter a narcissist of different stripes. Everyone loved him (family and friends)- he seemed to exude empathy. I got an untimely eviction and wasn’t making enough money to easily find a place to stay with all my stuff and he immediately offered that I should move in with him. He had been love-bombing, talking marriage etc etc, Suffice to say, after what I had been through I thought my luck had finally changed. Of course it hadn’t!! Once moving in I realised it was the same species with a different tactic- he accusing me of having orchestrated my eviction, that I was a gold digger, was sorry he ever met me, introduced me to his mother etc. And sweating bullets just having me in his space – what he called ‘claustrophobia’ was just the usual problem with intimacy. A complete allergic reaction to closeness, all the things he loved about me he suddenly hated- from the way I slept, dressed, talked, cooked. I could do nothing right no matter how I tried. 11 days after I had moved there I got kicked out. Having given up my job to find a new one in that area, I was unemployed, he didn’t help me move, blamed it all on me. The 11 days while there I cooked, cleaned, painted walls 24/7 (typical gold-digger stuff I guess) and got treated like I had orchestrated the whole thing to somehow ‘entrap him;’ Their paranoia and delusions of grandeur can be stupefying! I’m leaving out a lot of details which would illustrate the horror of ‘idealise, devalue, discard” but they played out in the usual excruciating fashion.

    In summary, I got a two month summary of a prior two year relationship just before! The moral of my story is, my psyche still had to heal. It was such a mistake to move on too quickly, a move I made out of desperation and desolation from the previous nightmare. Energetically I was attracting more of the same. Since then I read “Women who Love too Much” and “Men Who Hate Women and the Women who Love Them.” Both were enlightening and I can highly recommend them. I hope to change that inner landscape that has been sending out the wrong signals based on childhood patterns. One thing that did happen though (having the short synopsis relationship) was that I knew for sure and for certain that I was dealing with the same alien species. I wasn’t gonna go back, and instituted NO CONTACT a month later even though I was devastated. The short version has helped put my personal horror (after the drawn out version -into perspective). They are operating from the Stalin/Hitler psychosis- evil in a really mundane,base form. Its the callous, cold way they take you out, while your heart is beating hot and strong! Not for nothing have they been compared to vampires! Its nasty, but get away once you know you’re dealing with that ilk.

    Thanks for all your healing stories. It really helps to realise we are not alone- though the prevalence of these experiences does make the world seem like a scary place. (Almost) Anyone can fall for this stuff, but don’t draw out the agonies. Move on, and love yourself enough to understand it was their loss, not yours!


  6. Lori

    All of you are so wonderful and brave to share your stories…they’ve all helped me sooooo much and I’m so grateful for this site!!!


  7. Eliza

    Hi. I am 7 days no contact with a man I had an on again off again relationship with for the past year. The last I saw him we spent a romantic weekend together and of course, he told me all those pretty lies that these people find so easy to deceive us with. Then, a week passes with nothing. Not a word. It hurt so bad and I regretfully lashed out and texted and emailed the no good SOB. He emailed me back saying how hard it was for him and how he had been thinking of me and missing me so much BUT he doesn’t want to ‘have to’ tell me that. He wants us to miss each other he says….He even ended the email with a question so like a dummy I answered it and then another weekpassed with no response. I’m writing this to try to find the strength to maintain no contact. I started thinking that it’s so hard to not know if I’ll ever hear from him again or if this is just the silent treatment. That’s when I decided to block his email and phone. I won’t be a fish on the hook any more. I have to let it go that I’ll never know if it was the final discard or not. I just have to. But it ain’t easy. These pathological manipulators have a way of leaving things in such a way that it is so EXTREMELY difficult to make that decision to cut them off and block communication. It’s so insidious….the way he leaves the door open… Says these things that are so sweet, ends with a question and just ghosts again. It’s sick sick sick. Anyway, I wish for everyone who is suffering some peace and some hope. No one deserves to be treated this way. I’m grateful to have forums like this to know I’m not alone in this pain. That I have somewhere to turn. Thank you for that. Courage to everyone trying to free themselves from any kind kind of abuse even if it means doing something that (at least now in the beginning) feel excruciatingly painful.


    1. fee

      Keep the strength, this keeps so many memories for me…i will share them fully when i know its safe to do so…but i will be in court soon and he knows more then i wish him too. The pain these narcs cause are unbearable…do they know? or care? of course they do know yet no they dont care. They know how to leave it, you wanting more, needing understanding of what just happened, if they think your sussed then they change tactics. Oh i cant wait to finally be free but in his words ‘he as the royal flush ready to finish me off’ we will see. I wish you well, please dont seek answers from him, read here, share your pain but get out of the rat race before more years pass x


      1. Carrie Reimer Post author

        Fee!! its been so long since we talked. I was without the net for so long. So you have court soon!? I wish I could be there as a support. How do you know he knows more than he should? Stay strong my friend! calm cool and collected, he will try to intimidate you and get you flustered.
        Do you think you should call the police n tell them you are afraid for your safety? That sounded like a very real threat to me! I just don’t trust this guy to not do you bodily harm. Please do all you can to remain safe!
        You are in my thoughts and prayers often. Sending strength and love to you


        1. fee

          Hi carrie x
          I just received his statement to the courts, he honestly is lieing so nicely…I say nicely because his threat at the end of the statement of me ‘saying he is abusive will backfire with his evidence’ …my house is still on the market but I wrote asking them to take it off by 1st july…in his statement he informs them my house is now off the market, he knows my mobile number…even I don’t know it! He knows my movements and plans. This said he is going to humiliate me regardless so let him show the films he blackmailed with. I don’t wish him to see our son, I don’t want him hurt and I know he will be from his past thug work to how he is…my son wont be able to say ‘safe words’. He will laugh inside when he sees the mess I look but even he cant make me look a bad mom. I feel sick knowing I got to see him again but I will do it for the little one. I cant tell you how you helped me so much, I just kept myself to myself….its been 2.5 yrs since I hve seen him but it all now feels like yesterday. I will let you know how it goes, it is before the 15th july. x


    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Eliza, I know it is hard!!! believe me! I did the back and forth for 10 years and I know it exactly what you mean when you say they make it so hard to just walk away. But you MUST stay strong! they dangle a little bit of a carrot and we grasp it like a drowning man grabs a life ring, it can neer be their fault so they leave it open so they can later say they “tried” but we walked away, didn’t love them enough to try, yada yada yada
      They also want to keep their victim just in case, they love triangulation, pitting two women against each other, he will have a new woman and still play you just to see if he can. You are now his possession for as long as he wants (he thinks) you have taken him back so many times he thinks he has you right where he wants you and all he has to do is say a few sweet things and you will welcome him back with open arms.
      Like my ex said a year after we split when he came back professing his “undying love for me” 8 days after he had proposed to another woman. “You know it is kinda your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back and I thought well, I got away with that, what else can I get away with? you should kicked me to the curb long ago.” Then he proceeds to tell me he still loves me and wants us to be “friends” and I told him I could not be his friend and he said, “If we can’t be friends then we have nothing and no future.” WTF???? no future? we have no future now, never did.

      They play the mind fuck game so well. Stay no contact!!! if you have any contact and that means emails, texts, friends, he will get to you and make you doubt yourself.
      You don’t realize how dysfunctional your relationship with him is because you are in the middle of it. Give yourself time and you will start to think more clearly. Believe me, the longer you are with him the harder it is to leave, the deeper you get and more self confidence you lose.

      You deserve to b happy, this is SO never going to be a healthy happy relationship. Normal healthy men do not do the “silent treatment”, I guarantee you, he will be back, whether it is tomorrow or next year, he will be back as long as you allow it. You are expecting him to be normal and it will never happen.
      They do not have a conscience, no guilt, no love, no feelings, he gets off on your pain and confusion, if he can mess with your head he is in control and powerful.
      Please keep reading and educating yourself. Stop assigning him emotions he doesn’t have and start worrying about you and what you are going to do, not what he means by this or that.
      We are here as moral support any time you feel yourself weakening!


  8. stacey

    I swear every last one of them is the same arsehole. The gift that keeps on giving. The thing that resonated with me Carrie, is we are around the same age. How the hell this happened to me { or I bought into it} at my age is beyond me. Hey, I’m no ones victim. Ive had a charmed life. Been more than lucky. eh? I can only say that due to losing my wonderful husband { at 49}, living in a different country and having no family, I wasn’t paying attention. I also had never in my life come across anyone whose sole aim was to cause as much devastation { for sport I think} as was possible. I’m not everyones cup of tea. I know that. THEN WHY WONT YOU GET OUT OF MY FCKG HOUSE. stay away from me. Answer? “When I’m ready”. Even with an injunction, arrest, giving him a taste of his own abuse { speak to me with that language and I can take the ears of a docker} only served to make the matter worse. No contact? sure. Only if he decides. Otherwise he will track me down. Stalk. Threaten me with a twelve year old tax violation { he listen round doorways, went through drawers, stored information from day 1} Didn’t work for nine years here. No time. Recently indicated to a third party that he was looking for half my pension. { not married to me. Or anyone. ever}. His illustrious career { don’t ask} before he trucked up here, didn’t pay above minimum wage, no medical benefits or pension}. Lifetime of under achieving, under qualification and under fricken whelming. So then he has to lie. to every one. Because he is the victim. I ve spent more years getting away from him than I was with him. He s been blown out faster than a windsock by every woman hes been with since hes been here.And still he wont be happy until he has absolutely destroyed me. Madman.



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