Promises and Lies = No Contact

narc

When you met the narcissist he offered you forever. A forever full of unconditional love, acceptance and understanding, something every person dreams of. To be totally themselves and still loved. But that is not what he gave you, his love was an act, he gave you a dream, a promise he never intended to keep and it is hard to accept you gave your heart to the heartless. Even though you know he is unhealthy, even though your heart breaks daily, you cling to the hope that someday he will fulfill his promise. The slightest loving gesture from him feeds that hope, you hold your breath afraid to ruin the moment, your mind, body and heart soak up the affection like a dry sponge, you pray this moment lasts forever. But it never does, it is impossible because he is a figment of your imagination, his love is not real, and now neither are you. It is impossible for him to love you just the way you are because you aren’t you any more. You walk on eggshells, choose your words carefully and everything you do is done in hopes it garners his approve and doesn’t anger him. It is impossible to live in fear 24/7, it eats away at your self-esteem, you can’t enjoy the good times because you never know what will set him off.

The thought of never talking to him again, never hearing his voice or feeling his touch seems too much to bear, it is like he controls the air you breath. You can’t sleep, can’t eat, are consumed with thought of when love with him was easy and you felt like the most beautiful woman on earth. If you could talk to him for just a minute, if he would tell you he loves you, and misses you maybe you could sleep for a few minutes. You fight with the phone, pick it up and start to dial, hangup, dial again and let it ring, what if he doesn’t answer? then you will wonder who he is with and why he didn’t answer, What if he does answer? What will you say? What do you want him to say? You know he is a liar, you know he never changes, you know he takes pleasure in your pain. Hangup.

Telephone-au-Volant

It’s hard letting go of the dream, you don’t have to let go all at once, you only have to let go one day at a time, one hour at a time or 5 minutes at a time. It’s ok the feel the withdrawal, it’s ok to want to have him hold you and tell you it was all a horrible mistake and he will always love you. It’s ok to miss the dream, its ok to feel sad and lonely. You have every right to your pain, don’t let anyone tell you differently. When people deny you your pain they force you to seek him out in hopes he can make it go away. You have to feel the pain to heal, that is nature, that is normal and healthy. All you have to worry about is today, making it through today, everyone can do something for a day, tomorrow will happen whether you want it to or not so don’t worry about getting through tomorrow, focus on today and getting through today the best you can.

The more today’s you get through the easier your tomorrows will be and before you know it 6 months have passed, then a year and the further away from the N you get the more you start to fear ever talking to him again. You start to fear the control he had over you and you never want to be “loved” like that again. One day you will realize you feel lighter, there is no more fear, no more walking on egg shells, you can’t remember the last time you cried, you can laugh and smile and there is a spring to your step. You won’t know exactly when it happened, was it right this moment or was it days ago but you know you have made it to the light and you will be ok.

You are now a survivor, take a deep breath, look around at your world, listen to the birds, appreciate your strength, your courage and your ability to grow and be a better person. Image

The N will always be a part of your life, there is no changing that, but you do not have to remain a victim of the N. A victim is someone who is being abused, a survivor is someone who WAS abused. Leave the past in the past, there is nothing you can do to change the past, it’s done, gone, he is no longer controlling or abusing you, you stopped allowing it, now you are a survivor and you control your future no one else.

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13 thoughts on “Promises and Lies = No Contact

  1. This article hits home! This is exactly how I felt, someone who loved me for me. Knows all my flaws and still loves me unconditionally. Shoot.. Even my best friends made comments about that! Everyone loved him because he was so “real” and was in love with the real me.
    That stopped at our wedding. Our marriage has been sexless since the day of our wedding. He became impossible to please, started being hyper critical, judgemental and emotionally manipulative.
    He rarely looses his cool.. He prefers to ignore, act indifferent, make me invisible.
    I’m getting a divorce from this crazy making, projecting, fake, evil person. I’m tired. I’ve lost joy. I’ve lost myself and he had the nerve to say.. I did love you for who you were, but you’ve changed. No sh*t Sherlock, constant eroding of a persons soul will change them!

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    1. I dated a narcissist for almost 12 years and he absolutely destroyed me. He ended it for the 50th time it will be 2 years in August. This is the longest break up we ever had most of the time it was any where from 2 weeks to 2 months or more. But even after all this time he still will contact me every few weeks with the same old shit I love you and miss u and I don’t know what the future holds or sometime down the road we will be together again he has been promising me the same thing for 12 years and of course they are all empty promises he doesn’t even change his wording he is like a broken record. And even though I know what he is doing I still hold on I don’t know why I can not let go. But of course he has a new victim that he has to throw in my face on what a wonderful person she is and he is happy and that kills but I know the truth and feel sorry for her if he is so happy why does he keep calling me. I know I’m going on and on but I guess what I’m trying to say is thank god for these blogs because I never knew what a narcissist was but reading these articles, articles that I swear the people writing them live in my body or have been spying on my life because they are my stories, my life and experiences when I finally looked up narcissism I saw my ex’s face. The only abuse he didn’t do to me was physical which sometimes I wish it was cuz he would actually have to touch me if that makes any sense. I have been in and out of therapy because of this man for many years and still after all this time I still cry and can’t eat or sleep. Iam a very strong independent woman and I allowed this man to destroy me I ask why everyday. But reading these articles and other women’s responses it truly is helping me and I thank you for sharing your stories

      Sincerely,
      A.T.

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    2. That’s how I felt after 3 months, sex was so quick it was not even worth it. Didn’t loose cool either, he didn’t ignore but so critical of everything. Lies I had to go bankrupt he never helped with any bills but if I asked he always had an excuse. I have lost everything, now I have to pay $400. A month for five years and he took my $1200. Computer and what I thought was “our” roofing company, and tried to sue me for 25,000 more after I shelled out 50,000 of my money to start it up. Well he has a rude awakening its been two months and I finally have the energy to file domestic abuse charges on him after he called and told me he was going to suffocate me. I am scared more now, but I can’t let this happen to another. I really thought I finally found prince charming, wow it is starting to hurt now, I kicked him out, yes i admit about 2 weeks ago I started missing him but what’s there really to miss? Sex lastes 10 seconds, walking on egg shells, not wanting to come home? But I don’t want to talk to him his voice makes me sick… It’s been easy to have no contact but I loved those first three months. That’s what hurts.

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  2. Haven’t commented here for a bit, just need to do some venting. As a mother of an abused daughter all I have left is prayers that our legal system will work for her, the victim. Up to this point her estranged husband has gotten away with everything. He now has two restraining orders in place one in NY and NJ. On the most recent court date she was going for a permanant restraining order and he just skipped court his attorney says he checked into rehab. There were three police officers and the babysitter ready to testify and nothing happened. He was seen out partying three times that week, still nothing happened. She has proof of the rape and this is what he did to avoid court. Is he just going to come back and get a slap on the hand because he is magically a newly reformed person? I am guessing yes since he has gotten away with everything. If that happens I will go to the highest political legal system to tell the entire story of corruption on the bench.

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  3. I am happy to say that I’m seeing more evidence of media awareness of narcissists. When I think of my ex psycho (over 4 years post D*&D), I don’t think of much. I guess you could say for the most part I’m now indifferent.

    If I do hear of him having a bit of illness or some form of hardship I feel a smile tease the corners of my mouth…I even chuckle a little. Normally, I take no pleasure in anyone’s pain, but for this joker…well, maybe I’ll make a little exception. He deserves it! LOL.

    He’s still got his OW (my replacement) to pick up the tab and support/provide for him. Both seem rather pitiful creatures to me now. I never lived with him or even had sex with him during the entire 17 months were were involved!

    But poor OW is stuck feeding his butt, and cleaning up after him. She keeps a roof over his head, and I know gets little in return except for a virtual certainty of severe emotional abuse! Going on 5 years now together, the bastard has already set himself up for a nice payday regardless b’cause it’s all laid out in legal documentation.

    He owns her and everything she has. No marriage necessary! I could never live that way, not without rebelling! The last time a man tried to do that to me, was my second husband, and I ended up sending him to state prison! He was the one who lost everything! Not me!

    She’s given psycho boy co-ownership and trusteeship of her properties and business. Her self-esteem just has about his to be down the toilet I figure, for her to be willing to settle for such an unequal set-up. I can’t imagine doing that, but whatever!

    Great post Carrie. I always love and enjoy your writing!

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  4. Only Me, It is amazing what some women will give up to be with a man! I am not willing to give up anything anymore.. Time and experience has taught me as much as it hurts in certain circumstances, it never pays off.. I had much rather take my marbles(so to speak) and go home than be a fool for any man when things aren’t going well.. We are probably all (or were!) overgivers until we realized that overgiving to takers never pays off. This may sound bitter, but it is just life’s lessons taught to those of us who were once uninitiated in the ways of takers..

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    1. I agree Kathy. No man is worth giving up such huge slices of our lives like homes, family and other loved ones. I’ve learned to recognize losing situations, and break it off quickly. Recently, I got the chance to reconnect to my first love who’d lost his wife last fall.

      I thought (in a manner of speaking) ‘Oh Good, maybe we can do things right this time. We’ve got a second chance for a do over!’ While he seemed just as pleased to have me in his life again, quickly, he started “gaming” and “Stonewalling” me. “Well a man s got too do what aman got todo” he wrote after I had confided that as teens I thought maybe one day we might marry”. Huh, I’m thinking, what the Hell does that mean!

      Next thing he wrote was “:p:” I’m thinking what that mean? I’m confused! At that point, I decided I’m outta here! I don’t like men who lie, cheat, play games or run scams, and I realized that dude was pushing my boundaries! I haven’t mess with him since! I take care of me now!

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  5. Yes! That is something I need to remember.. he is fake, not real! Several years ago, read a book by Iyanla Vanzant, who is a great spiritual healer for me. I’d like to share a part of her book that I read when I lose myself again….

    One Day My Soul Just Opened Up
    “One day my soul just opened up and things started happenin’
    things I can’t quite explain I mean I cried and cried like never before I cried tears of ten thousand mothers I couldn’t even feel anything because I cried till I was numb

    One day my soul just opened up I felt this overwhelming pride what I was proud of only God knows! Like the pride of a hundred thousand father’s basking in the glory of their new born sons I was grinning from ear to ear!

    One day my soul just opened up I started laughing and I laughed for what seemed like forever wasn’t nothing particularly funny goin’ on but I laughed anyhow I laughed the joy of a million children playin’ in the mud I laughed til my sides ached Oh God! It felt so good! …..”

    There are a few more lines. The more I read, the more I realize the sun will come up tomorrow. Even if today was a hard day to get through trying to let go of my N.

    Thanks Carrie for putting things out for us “victims” to read.

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