When you met the narcissist he offered you forever. A forever full of unconditional love, acceptance and understanding, something every person dreams of. To be totally themselves and still loved. But that is not what he gave you, his love was an act, he gave you a dream, a promise he never intended to keep and it is hard to accept you gave your heart to the heartless. Even though you know he is unhealthy, even though your heart breaks daily, you cling to the hope that someday he will fulfill his promise. The slightest loving gesture from him feeds that hope, you hold your breath afraid to ruin the moment, your mind, body and heart soak up the affection like a dry sponge, you pray this moment lasts forever. But it never does, it is impossible because he is a figment of your imagination, his love is not real, and now neither are you. It is impossible for him to love you just the way you are because you aren’t you any more. You walk on eggshells, choose your words carefully and everything you do is done in hopes it garners his approve and doesn’t anger him. It is impossible to live in fear 24/7, it eats away at your self-esteem, you can’t enjoy the good times because you never know what will set him off.
The thought of never talking to him again, never hearing his voice or feeling his touch seems too much to bear, it is like he controls the air you breath. You can’t sleep, can’t eat, are consumed with thought of when love with him was easy and you felt like the most beautiful woman on earth. If you could talk to him for just a minute, if he would tell you he loves you, and misses you maybe you could sleep for a few minutes. You fight with the phone, pick it up and start to dial, hangup, dial again and let it ring, what if he doesn’t answer? then you will wonder who he is with and why he didn’t answer, What if he does answer? What will you say? What do you want him to say? You know he is a liar, you know he never changes, you know he takes pleasure in your pain. Hangup.
It’s hard letting go of the dream, you don’t have to let go all at once, you only have to let go one day at a time, one hour at a time or 5 minutes at a time. It’s ok the feel the withdrawal, it’s ok to want to have him hold you and tell you it was all a horrible mistake and he will always love you. It’s ok to miss the dream, its ok to feel sad and lonely. You have every right to your pain, don’t let anyone tell you differently. When people deny you your pain they force you to seek him out in hopes he can make it go away. You have to feel the pain to heal, that is nature, that is normal and healthy. All you have to worry about is today, making it through today, everyone can do something for a day, tomorrow will happen whether you want it to or not so don’t worry about getting through tomorrow, focus on today and getting through today the best you can.
The more today’s you get through the easier your tomorrows will be and before you know it 6 months have passed, then a year and the further away from the N you get the more you start to fear ever talking to him again. You start to fear the control he had over you and you never want to be “loved” like that again. One day you will realize you feel lighter, there is no more fear, no more walking on egg shells, you can’t remember the last time you cried, you can laugh and smile and there is a spring to your step. You won’t know exactly when it happened, was it right this moment or was it days ago but you know you have made it to the light and you will be ok.
You are now a survivor, take a deep breath, look around at your world, listen to the birds, appreciate your strength, your courage and your ability to grow and be a better person. Image
The N will always be a part of your life, there is no changing that, but you do not have to remain a victim of the N. A victim is someone who is being abused, a survivor is someone who WAS abused. Leave the past in the past, there is nothing you can do to change the past, it’s done, gone, he is no longer controlling or abusing you, you stopped allowing it, now you are a survivor and you control your future no one else.