The other day someone in the support forum asked me if there was anything that I read or do that helped me heal. I had to really think about it because to be honest for most of that time I was flailing, lost in an open sea of despair so deep, dark and stormy I could barely grasp a mouthful of air before I was pulled back down.
I did a lot of things wrong through that time, I isolated myself, the first year I was truly all alone. I had no family, my son was in Saskatchewan, my mom wasn’t talking to me, I had no friends and I truly had no hope. I knew I probably needed help, but I was too broken to make the effort so I buried myself in my work and my grief. I started to put everything I made into paying off debt from truck repairs and paying ICBC fines, just getting myself back on track. I would drag myself out the door about noon, work until dark and then cry all the way home, sleep on the couch for a few hours here and there, eat a TV dinner, smoke, and cry. I tell ya, I was a mess for the first 3 months and then I found out James had met the “love of his life” and totally fell apart.
I barely remember it. I can see that woman sitting on the couch staring blankly at nothing, like a lopotomy patient but I can not tell you what I did to try to heal myself. I don’t think I did try to heal myself, I had to remind myself to blink and take a breath. I wondered if I could kill myself by forgetting to breath. I felt close enough to death that it seemed possible. It isn’t.
The one thing I did right? I cried, a lot!! I even allotted time for crying. I had a good every morning, and I mean I let myself go, I had a full body deep cleansing cry and then put my makeup on and went to work for the day. I might have leaky eyes during the day but I could hold it in pretty good for the most part but when I walked through the door at night I let it go again.
Did you know that tears actually having healing properties and that by not allowing yourself to cry you are preventing yourself from healing? It is a proven fact that tears cleanse the body of toxins and relieve stress. A victim of narcissistic abuse feels physically ill. When I say the narcissist is toxic I mean literally, they are toxic to the people they encounter, the stress of living with them and the shit they pull causes stress, stress creates toxins in the body, tears wash away the toxins. That is why people say they had a “good cry”, when you really let yourself get into it, when you don’t hold back and have a full body cry don’t you feel better afterwards? Trying to hold back from crying causes you stress, thinking that you should be healing faster and shouldn’t cry causes you stress and more toxins are released into your body. People end up getting upset about being upset. Just allow yourself the grief , allot yourself a time to cry, pain is uncomfortable, no one likes pain, many people think it is a sign of weakness to cry, but it isn’t, it is healthy, it is healing and it is our natural way of getting rid of pain. Try it.
I found this guy, Shane Koyczan during that first year and his poems touched my soul, I sobbed listening to him because I could empathize with his pain and I was in awe of how he can take his emotions and turn them into poetry that mesmerizes people into silence and you could hear a pin drop in the room. He also reminded me that yes I was broken, I was in some of the worst pain I had ever experienced but I did not have a monopoly on pain, there are lots of other people in the world dealing with abuse, lost loved ones, there is pain and suffering all over the world. So I cried for those people too.
I have perfected my crying, I can cry with the best of them now.