The Healing Properties of Crying

The other day  someone in the support forum asked me if there was anything that I read or do that helped me heal. I had to really think about it because to be honest for most of that time I was flailing, lost in an open sea of despair so deep, dark and stormy I could barely grasp a mouthful of air before I was pulled back down.

I did a lot of things wrong through that time, I isolated myself, the first year I was truly all alone. I had no family, my son was in Saskatchewan, my mom wasn’t talking to me, I had no friends and I truly had no hope. I knew I probably needed help, but I was too broken to make the effort so I buried myself in my work and my grief. I started to put everything I made into paying off debt from truck repairs and paying ICBC fines, just getting myself back on track. I would drag myself out the door about noon, work until dark and then cry all the way home, sleep on the couch for a few hours here and there, eat a TV dinner, smoke, and cry. I tell ya, I was a mess for the first 3 months and then I found out James had met the “love of his life” and totally fell apart.

I barely remember it. I can see that woman sitting on the couch staring blankly at nothing, like a lopotomy patient but I can not tell you what I did to try to heal myself. I don’t think I did try to heal myself, I had to remind myself to blink and take a breath. I wondered if I could kill myself by forgetting to breath. I felt close enough to death that it seemed possible. It isn’t.

The one thing I did right? I cried, a lot!! I even allotted time for crying. I had a good every morning, and I mean I let myself go, I had a full body deep cleansing cry and then put my makeup on and went to work for the day. I might have leaky eyes during the day but I could hold it in pretty good for the most part but when I walked through the door at night I let it go again.

Did you know that tears actually having healing properties and that by not allowing yourself to cry you are preventing yourself from healing? It is a proven fact that tears cleanse the body of toxins and relieve stress. A victim of narcissistic abuse feels physically ill. When I say the narcissist is toxic I mean literally, they are toxic to the people they encounter, the stress of living with them and the shit they pull causes stress, stress creates toxins in the body, tears wash away the toxins. That is why people say they had a “good cry”, when you really let yourself get into it, when you don’t hold back and have a full body cry don’t you feel better afterwards? Trying to hold back from crying causes you stress, thinking that you should be healing faster and shouldn’t cry causes you stress and more toxins are released into your body. People end up getting upset about being upset. Just allow yourself the grief , allot yourself a time to cry, pain is uncomfortable, no one likes pain, many people think it is a sign of weakness to cry, but it isn’t, it is healthy, it is healing and it is our natural way of getting rid of pain. Try it.

I found this guy, Shane Koyczan during that first year and his poems touched my soul, I sobbed listening to him because I could empathize with his pain and I was in awe of how he can take his emotions and turn them into poetry that mesmerizes people into silence and you could hear a pin drop in the room. He also reminded me that yes I was broken, I was in some of the worst pain I had ever experienced but I did not have a monopoly on pain, there are lots of other people in the world dealing with abuse, lost loved ones, there is pain and suffering all over the world. So I cried for those people too.

I have perfected my crying, I can cry with the best of them now.


6 thoughts on “The Healing Properties of Crying

  1. Only Me

    Yes, crying is a good first step, and you did also make several right moves! You released the pain thru crying, and you worked toward a goal of paying off your debts. That allowed you to marshal your energy and drain away the toxic emotions (your addiction to him, and helped you deal with all that had happened to you!).

    10 years of abuse is a lot to deal with and heal from! You are to be congratulated for your efforts! Then like me, you started a blog to discuss (yes, it was valuable therapy!) what had happened to you! Smart girl!

    I remember myself…I allowed myself a good 10 minute cry (I even timed it)…well, after that, I went on a vigorous swim workout and I did cry a some…fortunately, the chlorinated pool water did a good job of mixing with my tears, so who could tell? Truthfully, early on, I was determined to heal and become stronger, and I didn’t believe my ex asswipe deserved my tears and wasn’t going to give him any kind of satisfaction!

    For sure, crying is a good first step, and anytime you feel the need, there’s no shame in crying! The release of tears is a good thing. Then you do something to release all that negative energy – beat up on a pillow, meditate, journal your thoughts and feelings – let it all out and hold back nothing! Whatever works for you! Then after these storms pass will come the peace! With the peace comes the healing!

    In the end, your JC did not win! You did! My ex psycho did not win! I did! I don’t know about your ex now, but I’ve perceived signs that my 70 years old ex psycho jerk is now fading away and he is definitely in my past! It’s more a feeling than anything, but I know it’s true. I used to could feel his energy – and now I don’t. He’s grown sickly and frail because I no longer feed my energy to the bum.

    When I think of him now…the tears are long gone, but no longer needed. I think of him as the most boring individual on the planet. He has nothing to add or give to anyone. Maybe his current victim (My replacement) is willing to support the parasite… I don’t know! That’s a situation I know nothing about, but I can make some educated guesses. Whatever! He’s not my problem anymore, and that’s a good thing!

    Stay strong, cry when you feel the need, and eventually the pain goes away as you continue to heal. Hugs to all!


  2. Bobbie

    Thank you for posting this! It’s good to be reminded that crying is actually healthy and therapeutic. While I am at peace now, there was a time that I felt would never end, where I cried all the time. I was able to hide it while at work, but that’s mostly because I’m fairly isolated in my job. It was a scary feeling thinking that the crying episodes would never stop.

    Even now, I can’t pinpoint when they did stop, but they have. And when I feel like crying now, it doesn’t cause me any anxiety because I know it won’t be long-lived.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. safirefalcon

    Forgetting to breathe. I still do that. I’ve done that for so long I don’t know when I started. Makes sense though since I had to be on my guard as a kid.

    I know that was just a small part in your post and not even the point. But it triggered this memory from the ex…We were in his car and he said something about how can people FORGET to breathe. And then said something like, “Stupid people” or “That’s really stupid.”

    I actually spoke up…shyly, but I did say, “I forget to breathe sometimes.”

    He ignored what I said, and I pretended the exchange never happened. At that time he was still building me up, seeing me as perfect.

    Just one flag ignored out of many…not just his red flags but my own.

    As for crying…I did that a lot at first in the immediate afterward, but then I numbed out for the most part. I still felt a lot of inner pain though… and I mean excruciating and searing pain. Not sure if there’s a way to prevent that so you CAN cry. I’m still not out of the numb woods yet. It is a result of past abuse I believe.

    I also cried a ton in school and kids called me a cry baby. Maybe that contributed. Then years later when my father was telling me how he didn’t yell at my little sister as much as he yelled at me and my brother, he also said that it was because as soon as he’d start, her eyes welled up.

    He had no idea. His yelling always scared me so much. I would freeze and cry later.

    I’m sure this seems to go into left field, but the subject of crying triggers a lot for me.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Safire, maybe you are in left field but I caught what you were throwing out there. I too used to cry when I was little but my dad said to me once “You want to cry? I’ll give you a reason to cry” so I stopped. I became numb as a child, very shy, no one had to ever yell at me, just say my name and I was thinking I was in shit for something. I learned to numb my feelings, I didn’t show happiness or excitement or sadness, or anger. Then I grew up and moved out, went to counseling through most of my 20’s and early 30’s and started to feel again. It was strange and I had a hard time showing my emotions appropriately at first. I had a not temper but over time I got healthier and happier. I also cut my dad out of my life in my early 30’s. It wasn’t until I met James that I shut off again. The last year we were together I went totally numb, I had given up. I didn’t cry, or get angry and there was no joy either. I became a zombie. I would want to cry, think I should cry but nothing came. My sister in law could not believe that I didn’t get angry at some of the stuff he was doing but I knew there was no point in it.
      It was after I left, then the flood gates opened and I couldn’t stop crying. But I don’t cry in front of anyone and I don’t show fear.
      Thanks for sharing that. Its strange when I first met James he was always so compassionate if I cried, he would hold me and stroke my hair. If we fought and I cried he would immediately hug me and say he couldn’t stand to see me sad. Then it seemed he enjoyed it when I cried, then it seemed like he had to make me cry and then he hated me for crying and when I stopped crying he dumped me.


  4. healing

    Beautifully said. I only cry when speaking to someone, but I don’t hold back. I wish I could cry more. I’m going to have to check out those poems. Thanks for sharing Carrie.
    Love and Light



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