Time Flies By Whether You Are Having Fun Or Not

Two years ago in February I put the offer in on the cabin at Hatzic Lake, I had started a new job, and the future was looking a lot brighter. I was perfectly happy to live in this little cabin for the rest of my days.  Looking back I was still so very broken; I was not comfortable talking to people, I felt self-conscious and afraid I would say something stupid, I still talked about James a fair amount (but he kept creating trouble in my life so that kept him forefront in my mind). I kept to myself the first year, I took a lot of walks, did a lot of meditation, reading and breathing. I loved to look out my window at the lake, the herons and eagles soaring overhead.

So much has happened in those two years, I wasn’t even in my place a month when James managed to hack into my phone and tried to get me fired by placing an anonymous call to my boss, he was coming in here anonymously trying to discredit me and he called the management board where I live making anonymous complaints against me trying to get me evicted. I noticed I was very low energy and tired easily, my feet were so swollen I couldn’t wear most of my shoes, I was struggling to even go up a few stairs. I had just started my new job and thought I could “just push through it” but my body had different ideas and I had my second heart attack.  I was able to get sick benefits through E.I. and then my brother hired me for a while and I was able to get unemployment insurance benefits for a little longer. I was still trying to keep the cabin but it began to look pretty doubtful.

I applied to receive funding to train to be a Life Skills Counselor and that was a joke, as some of you know, I have been living on welfare for almost a year which is $610/month and I get an extra $10/month because I have a heart condition. Whoopeee, I try to not spend it all in the same place. (sarcasm). I handed in my research and funding ap in November 2014 and my course was to start Jan 7th 2015. I found out I was denied in February, the reason I was denied was because it wasn’t in the regulation black binder. My worker had not done her job, my package sat on 3 different people’s desks and not one of them even read it, yet they denied me. February I had a new worker and I questioned her on why I was denied. When it became clear that no one had even read the funding application she set about helping me resubmit. I am really impressed with her efforts and have thanked her. I will be sending a letter to her supervisor expressing my appreciate this week. I had a new start date of April 7th, we submitted the 2nd funding application a few weeks ago and I was denied again. This time it is because the government will only pay $7500 towards education and my course is $10,000, the school said they would carry the $2500 and I could pay it $50 a month but the funding committee won’t go for it because I won’t get my diploma until it is paid in full. (I can see their point). I applied for a student loan and haven’t heard back.

Dealing with the government is an exercise in futility, they keep contradicting themselves, at one time they said I didn’t have enough money to go to school (that is why I was needing help) They wanted me to apply for jobs I have experience in but the reason I need to be retrained is because I can’t do those jobs any more. They said that the commuter train into Vancouver was too expensive and I should drive into Vancouver for school yet they won’t pay for my car insurance but they will pay $.25/km for me to drive which comes to $6500 for the duration of the course, the commuter train was going to cost $3350. Yeah I know, like my worker said and I quote her exactly. “They are so fucking stupid.”

So as it stands right now I will not be going to school in April and I can not fight it any more. I have wasted so much time working on this as it is and I have to find a way to make money. $620 just does not cut it, it is impossible to live on that. When I started out on that much I had a fair amount of supplies but everything is depleted now and I haven’t paid rent this month. I have steadily gotten further and further behind on my bills, my phone is way past due, my hydro is the same, and now I have to move by the April long weekend. I knew the move was inevitable but had hoped I would have gotten my funding for school and would be getting more money per month so I could rent a place or best case scenario I would have finished school and have a job.

My son is living about a 5 hour drive away in a small town called Oliver, which is a cute little town in a beautiful touristy area but he rents a tiny one bedroom cabin and there isn’t room for me.

I am starting to sell my furniture, I didn’t pay much for it and got some of it free off Craig’s list and refinished it. I love my table and china cabinet that I distressed but it is not worth paying storage charges on it. My girlfriend has offered to store some stuff in her basement, and come the first week of April I don’t know where I will be living. I could very well be in my car. I wish I had a holiday trailer or something, I would camp for the summer. I really can’t believe I am facing homelessness again. That is why I stayed as long as I did with James, I hoped to save enough money that I could rent a place but of course he kept sabotaging my truck and I left with $5 and my dog. I slept in my truck for a while and then got to live in a mobile home for a while. The thing is, once you have been that broken and been homeless, you don’t have a safety net, any little expensive can throw you right back, let alone I had another heart attack and then wasting all that time trying to get funding. I have opened my online store but there is no way that is going to get me over this hurdle.

I have avoided saying anything because, well for several reasons

1. I didn’t want to believe it, it is my greatest fear, being homeless.

2. I didn’t want people coming in here and thinking “Oh my God she has been out for 5 years and still isn’t back on her feet, what hope do I have or maybe they will think it is better to stay with their abuser.  (it isn’t)

3. I was trying to stay positive, I really believed that eventually I would get the funding because it makes sense and I did such a bang up job on my application. I did my absolute best, they even said they had never had someone put the effort in that I had.

I can’t help but be thankful for the time I was here at the lake, I did so much healing while I was here and much more capable of dealing with this stress than I was when I came here. I don’t feel like a loser, or a lesser person for the position I am in because I know I have done everything within my power to improve my situation and it just didn’t come together for whatever reason. I trust God has a plan, it had better be a good one!!

I am giving you all a heads up that once I am out of here I won’t have the internet or anyway to afford it and will probably have to shut the blog down or at the very least shut off the ability to comment.

BTW I will be writing the head office of the company responsible for administering the funding program and I will be CCing my politicians and the newspaper. If the government is sincere about helping women leaving an abusive relationship they have a long ways to go because from what I have experienced, the reason I stayed still exists and if anything there is less help than there was 15 years ago.

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42 thoughts on “Time Flies By Whether You Are Having Fun Or Not

  1. onmyway

    Carrie, You have helped me get through a trying time in my life (as I’m sure you have for many, many others as well). How can we help? If we all donate a little maybe we can help you now? Please let us know where we can donate.

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  2. suzan40

    Hi Carrie

    I have been following you for years, quitely in the background, untill tonight. I myself must now pack up my house and let go of my Victorian Style home in Australia. I have a fear of being homeless as i have experienced a few years ago… and because I drove an Audi A4, no-one would help me on a level of staying with a friend or in their shed. So i slept in the car a few times.

    It bought me to the scariest times and transformative moments of my life.

    I am in trauma still. By the way i drove the car with $5 or $10 of fuel in it at any given time.

    Im about to pack up my house again… ive been paying $260 per week and living in denial.. i have debt collectors on my asse.. as you know you can only be creative for so long with dignity.

    So Carrie… I am thinking out loud as i sit here and roll another snoke…. I am feeling you all the way from Australia… I am a Healer like yourself. I have put myself forward with many organizations to create a ” New Template For Woman” and no-one is getting it yet. Woops shit sorry… How would you feel if you set up an account and asked for $1? i could help you through my email address?

    That’s if mine will be connected. Lol.

    Seriously im getting no support here on my own.. I have full blown Insomnia.. yes im alone the other side of the world, but if we rally together… let the highest forces do the rest.

    I know there would be woman on here that are resourceful.

    I cried and cried today… and asked God to guide me”

    I have quantum shifts i do to release the pain out of my body
    from Melanie Tonia Evans.

    Email me : smoz74@hotmail.com

    Think about letting go if all attachments as i am…. and ask us to help.

    Sending you light and love. Xx💜

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    1. Bonnie

      Yes!! We are resourceful!!!! Lets get our pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters and dollars all together and help our own. Lets amaze the world with the power of Narc survivors. I am here to represent the strong women of the United States. When one of us goes down, the stronger step in and carrier him/her on our shoulders.

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  3. Julie

    Thank you so much for this blog, and for your brutal honesty. You have helped me tremendously. Here’s wishing the best for you and praying and hoping you can keep up your great work, if not in this blog than in some form or other. I have a great gig proposition for you: motivational speaker. Seriously, young girls (and men too) need to learn and be educated about the dangers and different forms of emotional\physical abuse. NPD is but one of them. If I had known about narcissistic disorder in my teens or even as a young adult, I would have known what to look for and how to avoid becoming a victim of it.

    I am at the other end of the country, and income assistance is even lousier over here. Mister Harper has a ways to go to improve social programs to help those in need to better themselves. I am trying to find money for a distance education course which would benefit me a great deal but I keep ramming into a wall too. So I understand and sympathize with you and your situation believe me. Have you ever considered moving? Quebec offers more and better assistance, and you can apply for added benefits if you have a health condition. emploiquebec.gouv.qc.ca is their website. I believe there’s an option to switch to English. I can’t offer anything but that for now, and prayers and hugs that you will prevail and things will be better for you soon! Hugs from Atlantic Canada!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Julie, Thank you for your kind words and helpful advice. I couldn’t possibly move that far from my family, my son and granddaughter. I know no one out there and know no french.
      As for motivational speaker, I have definitely thought of it. My plan was to take this course at Rhodes Wellness College to become a Life skills counselor, a section of the course teaches how to give workshops and I wanted to take the course and then I would have the education on top of personal experience to back me. I want to go into high school and discuss narcissists and also teach young women to set boundaries, see their self worth and know that no man should ever be the gauge you measure your worth.
      It is not something that we can count on parents to do and punishing the abuser or changing the abuser is not going to solve the problem. We need are young women to be able to recognize the control tactics and subtle emotional abuse before the damage is done.
      Hugs from BC!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Bonnie you are such a sweetheart! I am overwhelmed!! and speechless, and that is unusual for me! I did open one last night myself but I can shut that one down. I will email you.
      Thank you SO much!

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  4. Only Me

    I can’t pretend to know all the suffering you ladies who have experienced (and will again!) with homelessness. The times I’ve had to start over I was fortunate to have had a daughter, sister and father who provided me with a safety net…well, I did go out once and and rented a house (in order to leave an abusive husband) from a con artist who had no authority to do so! I had no car, and no money, yet we survived, but I had to scramble!

    A worthless, abusive bum I was married to, loved to keep us poor, and without resources (money), and at one point we were burning our furniture to keep heat in the house during a bitterly cold winter! That was fun – not! All we had at one point to eat was a box of salt, and a box of baking soda! I won’t tell how we survived as I’m afraid you might think I was judging you in some manner…but I’m not! Not at all! I wouldn’t dream of it!

    But none of my trials and tribulations, I’m afraid, would or could match the pain I’m sure, of being truly homeless, having to live from a car, or in a makeshift tent in a transient shelter. But I feel your pain and suffering! And then to have severe health problems on top of that…well, I just can’t imagine!

    Just know my heart goes out to each of you struggling, and facing a black, hopeless situation! I’m sorry!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Only Me, I just commented below about not wanting to say anything on here because I didn’t want to make people feel bad but then the reality is in 3 weeks I will be without internet and power and I feel I have an obligation to not just fall off the face of the earth and not let people know what has happened.
      I started the blog when I did it all on my Blackberry but I had no followers at that time and even so it was difficult. It is impossible now.
      I remember you sharing how you had to burn furniture to keep warm when I was stuck in the hell hole of a trailer out in the middle of nowhere with no heat or running water, toilet. It was hell but it was a roof over my head.
      James also kept us broke, what is it about them? I think it is a control thing, it keeps the woman dependent on him. James had the ability to make mega bucks any day of the week but he chose to only work enough to barely survive day to day. I remember a time when we had nothing to eat, we had eaten all the rice, all the porridge and all I had was flour, baking powder and a can of stewed tomatoes. We went two days with no food until I called someone and asked for help. Then he was pissed right off at me.
      He left his son and I stuck at home with no food for a week and the same thing; we ate rice and porridge, and I could have been out making good money, I WANTED to work, I cried every morning when my truck wouldn’t start. He bitched about how much he was spending yet he was the one sabotaging my truck.
      F’ing crazy psycho bastard.
      That is what makes me so angry, I don’t know why he felt he had to destroy me and every chance I had to ever have a life. But I say it all the time; they never make sense that is why they are psychopaths. No normal person would think or do what they do, no matter what they were going through.

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  5. Carrie Reimer Post author

    Well I did as some of you requested and opened a GoFundMe account
    the link is here in the sidebar and here, http://www.gofundme.com/p4vkco
    I truly appreciate any help I get but I know everyone has their own problems and that is why I held off saying anything for so long. I don’t want to seem down and out. It is such a hard thing to even explain, I have never been happier or more at peace than I am right now; I am so at peace that it doesn’t even seem real that I could be homeless in 3 weeks. I keep telling myself to get worried about it and I am but I just can’t get all stressed out about it. Is it because I have been there before and I know I survived? is it because my “give a shit” is broken? or am I really at peace?
    I just feel that dammit I deserve for my life to be better, I don’t think I should have to sacrifice any more and one way or the other things just have to work out.

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  6. Dee

    Carrie, I follwed your blog in 2012, when I went through my own difficult time. I suggested then that you have a donate button for all the people you are helping through this blog. I have just donated through paypal. You should really write a post asking for donate to find your plan to get on the road, to womans groups, shelters and into schools to talk about this. You dont need a Govt course to do that you have the experience. I suggest you name the Post “Keep this blog Alive ” in big flashing lights!! talk about your plan, you dont need to justify your position or anything Just do it. You have 1600 followers. and a million hits. They should all give something!! Common you can do this.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Dee!!! Yes I remember you! How are you doing?? I am so happy to see you. It has been a long time. I hope you are back just for a visit to say how wonderful your life is now.

      Yes you did say that a long time ago I remember. I have always had such a hard time asking for money even if I earned it. And yes I know the link is broken I removed my GoFundMe campaign. I didn’t have anyone donate after 4 days and one of the ladies who comes in here had opened one and I thought it was repetitious to have two. I should have put the link to hers in there instead. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off lately. What with having to move in a weeks time and not knowing what was happening in my life and where I was going to go.

      I think I will do another post and see what happens.

      When you say you have just donated through paypal, you mean in the past not recently, right? because nothing has come through from you. Not saying you should but I just wanted to clarify.

      So anyway, what is new in your life?
      Big hugs!!

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  7. Dee

    PS Carrie your link you posted to your go fund me account is broken so that doesnt help it takes you nowhere. I suggest as I did above you write a post SAVE THE BLOG with a huge arrow pointing to the side bar paypal button. You also need to explain to people in that post that anyone can pay into paypal for you whether or not they have a paypal account, they just need the email address you used for paypal. they can use a creditcard bank card anything. they can all donate something!!! even those who are broke. You helped them in a moment of need, its paying it forward.

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  8. healing

    Carrie,

    So sorry to hear your situation has turned so drastic. I’ve honestly prayed for you every single morning I wake up. Sometimes when we’re broken, we find the peace of acceptance that we’ve never felt before. It’s truly odd, but until we are, this peace is never experienced. I just donated 25 dollars through the fund site created. I got a confirmation email, so it should have went through. No judgement, no shame. You’ve given so much to so many, it’s our turn. I plan to contribute more along the way.

    I would like to offer you at least this much, how much does it cost to keep the site going, and for wifi in your area? I would like to cover the monthly costs associated to keep your site going, and contribute as much as a can for you along the way as well. Please also email me any ideas that you have to get more exposure for your online store. I think your art is amazing! I am willing to help you with cost of this as well. I have been in business development, sales, marketing and advertising my entire life, so please take advantage of this experience, as I believe your creations to be your destiny, and road back to recovery.

    Have you thought about getting an “online degree?” However, I really believe your life experience alone is enough to follow your dreams. I sincerely believe people will receive you regardless of your educational background. Maybe this is the time to venture in those directions? Please know that you are loved and respected very much! May angels surround you to direct, protect and guide you through these trying times. Please email me any thoughts or ideas.

    Love and Light!

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