Save The Blog

A woman who came here back in 2012 stopped by the blog a couple of days ago. It is hard to believe it has been that long. I know in my logical mind that, that much time has gone by but where it went I don’t know. It just goes to show how a person can end up in an abusive relationship for 10 years before they know it.

It makes me very aware of how fast the rest of my life is going to fly by. Scary.

Some decisions have been made as far as my life and I have to admit I am having a hard time dealing with it today. I have worked so hard towards going to school and I really was positive it would eventually all pull together, how could it not? it made perfect sense. I try to stay positive and think God has a plan, a better one than I could ever imagine; but hey let’s be honest here, there are people in the world who never get a break.

This last week has been a bit of a whirl wind of activity and things coming at me from all angles, up and down and all around.

A few days ago I got a call from the school and my student loan had been approved. I was excited, that meant I could pay the short fall of $2500. I was approved for $9600. The course is 10,545. I had the $500 Bursary. They were going to pay me $1016 a month to live on. Not much but $400 more than what I am getting. But I had no where to live so I talked to my brother to see if he would even just say I was living with him and I would find some place to go. But as luck would have it, his boat didn’t sell and he said I could live on his boat. It’s 35 feet, two bedrooms and two bathrooms and the transit costs would be 1/2 what they were. That should make the funding committee happy. I had a place to live, I could cover the $2500 and I was going to take a little extra on my loan to cover moving costs, paying off my hydro bill from the winter etc. I had gone on the internet and printed off the route I had to take to get to school and even planned where I would park my car.

This was all on the weekend. I had spent all of Friday morning in the funding office getting everything signed and ready to hand in, she was going to deliver it by hand that afternoon.

I got a call this morning and what I had feared would happen did; now that I can get a loan for $9600 the funding committee (a guy named Ron to be exact) won’t pay for it. They say I have the means to cover my own costs. There are government grants for disabled people to retrain and I need to apply for them to cover the additional costs over the $9600. There is no way I would be approved by April 7th. But I can’t have a $10,000 loan. I am 57 years old and drive a 20 year old car with bald tires. After I finish the course I will make between $15 and $20 an hour and would be lucky to get full time. By the time I paid off the loan I would be 70 years old. I have a heart condition, that was the whole point of getting training, I hoped I could work part time past 64, but if I have a huge loan to pay back I won’t see any benefit from the training. And the boat won’t be available later anyway and there is no where I can rent for $500 a month. And I only get $375 for rent on welfare. So I have no way of living until I got the grants anyway.

I am dead in the water no matter which way I look at it. Not only am I dead in the water but I wasted a year jumping through their damn hoops for nothing.

So, my son is going to Saskatchewan to work, so he can pay off what he owes ICBC for fines and tickets from years ago. I can’t say too much because it is his private life and not mine to talk about but he hates to leave his daughter after just a few months ago finally the mother told her who her daddy was. It is breaking his heart to leave her but he can’t make enough money in Oliver where he moved to be close to her and he has job offers in Sask. The mother of his daughter was pissed that he wanted to leave. He has no choice, if he is caught driving he will do time in jail and then he won’t able to see his daughter OR pay child support. He has to go, he has no choice and I have been worried sick because he wasn’t going to leave. But I have told him I will go and stay in Oliver while he is away and take his place watching my grand daughter so the mother isn’t inconvenienced. I get to spend time with my grand daughter and he gets to go make some money. That was decided this morning also.

The only problem is my brother had work for me and now I can’t work for him and make a few hundred and the crunch is on to get my stuff packed up and stored. I am not going to pay storage on my stuff, I can’t afford it. I have a friend who will let me put boxes in her basement so I will have to get rid of all my furniture. It is not the first time I have done that but I really hate that every time I collect some things to live with I end up having to lose them again. But my son’s place is furnished and there is no where else to store it. Besides at the end of 6 months when he gets back I have no idea where or what I will do.

It is going to be harder to get by in Oliver than it was here. I made a hundred or so a month from my scrap pick up at Home Depot, my brother paid me to clean his house a couple of times a month, my neighbor gave me all my fruit and veggies for two years and my internet was included at the cabin. I won’t have internet in Oliver and can’t see how I can afford to get it. I won’t have a place to sell my painted stuff, I will be 5 hours away from where I live now and I will know no one.

I am very apprehensive and very discouraged right now.

I am sure I will find a way to get by. I don’t know. I am sick of struggling. I am going to take a break here and have a good cry, maybe pack something. I need to think.



14 thoughts on “Save The Blog

  1. M

    Oh Carrie,

    All of this is such hard stuff to have to go through. It seems so unfair that some people are born into money and never have to worry about it an then there’s the rest of us. If you ever wanted to consider moving to the U.S. you could stay with me until you get on your feet. I’m so sorry you are having to struggle so much! My thoughts and prayers are with you!


  2. Anne

    Sounds like a pretty s… time and a lot of anxiety for you…I hope your tears brought you some peace, I’ll keep you in my thoughts, hugs


  3. Jerry

    Carrie, here are some thoughts you might want to consider before making any life changing moves. And please understand, this is only offered in the interest of seeing you continue with this work you’ve found yourself immersed in since you began this blog.

    It sounds like the move to be near your granddaughter is going to basically take any and all security you have now and throw it away. Loving your granddaughter is a noble quality but in reality, are you going to support yourself, feed yourself, house yourself on that same love? You have some hard choices to make.

    With the library of information you’ve already put together here on the blog, the basic work has already been done to write a book. The first tenet of writing is ‘write what you know’. You have and you do. With a talented editor from a publishing house, you could have a book on the shelves and be doing the interview circuit while raising public awareness at the same time. I’m not trying to inspire you with pie in the sky reasoning. I sincerely believe you have a gold mine of information here which could translate to a secure income. For anyone finding themselves caught up in the nightmare of life with a narcissist, a book written by a woman who survived and went on to heal then went on to write and share her knowledge and experience would be hands down, more valuable, more marketable than a book written by a clinical psychologist. It could very well prove that the problem with school funding and this potential life changing transition you’re facing all happened to push you in this new direction.

    But picking up stakes now in your situation almost sounds like giving up. You’ve fought entirely too hard to give up on this child you have borne through your own experience with a narcissist. Truth be told, most people have no idea what a narcissist is aside from the casual stereotype of they can’t pass a mirror without looking at themselves. The truth is a much deeper reality. You know this reality. You have stories and anecdotes of so many fellow survivors and victims. Your voice is strong now as is your basis for this blog. Take a step back and rethink your whole approach before committing to a plan. Most of all, have the faith in yourself that others, here, have placed with you. Whatever direction your heart leads you is where you must follow. If anyone here knows this truth, it is you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Janni Styles

    Hi Carrie,
    I am so sorry for all the blasts you have been and are enduring. This may sound counterproductive but I would suggest putting school on hold. My reason is a friend of mine who is also our age graduated a course two years ago and nobody will hire her because of her age. I don’t have any answers for you, I just don’t like to see you sacrifice so much to go to school when it may not change much for you. Visiting with the granddaughter sounds good because kids are so much fun and you really need some fun. Will be thinking of you and lifting you in love, light and prayer that things work out for you beautifully even though you may not feel it just now. Lots of love and hugs flying your way. Stay you, stay true ❤️❤️❤️
    In loving kindness,


  5. Vanessa

    Carrie, go higher than the person who knocked you back, that is my advice. You have one no. I would fight the initial decision. Sounds very peculiar to me. I don’t know the system over there but i wouldn’t give up until I went all little higher. They are only one person in the entire organisation making a decision. I couldn’t after what I have been through and the many times I moved in my past relationship move again, sell my things and pack up again after putting down roots, it’s really disorientating. You have a nice thing going where you are,,,sounds like it took quite some time to set that up. You have worked so hard to get where you are now I wouldn’t take the first no. Don’t they have social workers who could back you? Shitty situation, but you are a fighter, survivor and really an activist for the rights of people who have been abused. Makes me really angry that good people don’t get a break…actually it’s disgusting. I’d give the a-hoies a run for their money before I accepted that decision. Good luck and I hope you give your goal one more try:)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Jean

    Carrie I am so sorry for what you are going thru…God already has the resolution, keep praying I will be getting on my knees shortly to pray for you..Also are there any churches around you that can give you some help..please reach out to them. It’s amazing what God can do…


  7. Judy

    I hate when the world blows up in my face. Sometimes it helps to talk to a counselor, simply because they’re outside the situation. Could you stay where you are and visit Oliver on a regular basis? Ultimately, you have to be able to face yourself in the mirror. Praying for strength and courage and inspiration.


  8. safirefalcon

    I’m so sorry Carrie. It sucks so bad to get shot down continually. I have no advice, just a cyber hug and prayers for a peaceful outcome for you. It looks like a few of your readers have some good suggestions to ponder though.


  9. fee

    I am gutted that the powers that be seem to kick someone when they are down. I know ur like me for family and do your best…even…yep…at the cost of what is best for you.
    I am writing as you know, because I want people to see the outcome…and that it can be successful…so I totally agree you should write carrie, Infact, maybe that is your destiny. You have done so well here.

    Another suggestion would be….and I am more than happy to help and you know my financial mess…so I don’t accept others cant. We should all help get the message out with you carrie by being right beside/behind you. Why don’t we all get together and pay this loan. How many viewers…or people have you helped. If each give a donation of min £5 upt0 £50 couldn’t we help to fund a book you will write?

    Your such a wonderful lady and kindness is always paid back carrie, honestly it is. You have proved yourself over and over and stood your ground and fought. I believe in the laws of attraction and I am hoping whatever seems to be taken away is given in another / better way.

    Please stay strong carrie, its so hard when we all live so far away from support…but at a finger tip…you have an ear here whenever you want one. Big hugs xx



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