Struggles

I am back! It has been a difficult time for me the past while. I am ordinarily a pretty optimistic person, which has not always worked in my favor when it came to being with James, because I tend to make the best of a situation, it may take me a day or two but I have converted the most horrific dives into homes, or found a way to make ends meet but I think a person gets tired of always finding the positive in every situation and sometimes you just have to feel sorry for yourself. I guess I have been having a pity party, “damn it I don’t want to try any more” attitude.

It felt like the rug was pulled out from under me again and although it has been almost 5 years since James and I split it sent me into a tail spin. Who knows where my life would be if I had stayed with him, but I am pretty damn sure it would be better a hell of a lot better had I never met him and if he hadn’t done his damnest to destroy me financially before we split.

Not getting the funding for school hit me harder than I had anticipated, I was positive I was going to get it and when I didn’t, along with having to walk away from the cabin, and then moving to a place in the heart of where James and I met and then parted ways 10 years later; set me up for a bit of a relapse. You see, where the boat is moored is 5 minutes away from where James used to work and maybe 15 minutes from where we lived when we first met and then moved back to for the last 2 years of our relationship. James got some old war ship for a $1 off Craig’s list years ago and we went on board it and he stripped all the copper out of it, and it was docked at this marina. I have been revisiting old haunts all week, every turn in the road held another memory. I had dealt with the demons when I went back to Mission so I thought I had dealt with the past but being here brought back new demons for me to deal with.  It is getting easier, but I don’t like him being in my head that much, I actually keep thinking I see him in every semi driving by and there is no way he is driving truck in this area. I know he moved away, but my mind is playing tricks on me.

I have done a bit of work on the boat and my brother has had to give me a few quick lessons on emptying the bilge, discharging the black water, filling the water tank, where the breaker box is etc. There is a lot of work to be done on the boat but from a distance it’s not a bad looking boat and I love to fix things up so there is no problem there. There is more than enough room for Stella and I now that I got all the crap off the boat and stored the rest; the only thing I have a problem with is; I am afraid of falling off the boat or Stella falling in. You see, the Fraser River is not the cleanest of rivers and it has a really bad under tow to boot. But Stella has mastered jumping in and out, it only means there is no way I can work outside and let her loose, we have to leave the marina for her to stretch her legs. I can even plant flowers in pots on the wharf and I plan on hanging baskets from the upper deck railing. The people are very friendly and helpful and there is no shortage of single men! I had no idea how many men live on a boat!!

There are some really awesome yachts here and some really scuzzy one’s but everyone is treated the same, if you are on a boat you are “one of the gang”.

There is a free shower facility that is absolutely awesome and so much better than showering in the tiny shower on the boat. Each shower has it’s own little room with a mirror and bench and they are kept immaculate. There is a laundry room and basic cable is free. The only thing missing was the internet and I certainly could not afford to pay for the net, but a few days ago I talked to one of the guys who has the net on his boat and we made a deal where I will pay him $20 to use his internet connection. So after sorting through over 800 emails, I am back!

I am afraid I have not even had the chance to read the comments and if I start to reply to comments I will be forever so I will try to go back and answer any questions but if you don’t get an answer to your question, please ask again.

When I finally got into my email there was a letter from the CEO of the company in charge of my funding for school. I had written the Better Business Bureau and the company complaining about how my file was handled and I heard back from the Better Business Bureau that they were taking on my case and had contacted the company with my complaint and given them until the 17th of April to resolve the issue. But I lost my internet and never heard anything more of course. A week ago the CEO sent me an email asking me to call him, which I did on Friday and I have an appointment to see him this coming Monday. We will see what he has to say, now that I have moved I am out of their jurisdiction but I will keep positive thoughts.

I worked my ass off the past week, moving boxes up and down that damn ramp, emptying the boat of all the crap before I could put my stuff in. I don’t want to have to move again any time soon, I don’t think I could physically. It was the move from hell but I did it. The only thing I need now is some sort of couch to sit on, there is no table or anything to sit on because my brother stripped it out after he got it. It has to be a small couch or something that can be assembled on board because the opening for the sliding door is only 22″ but I find myself spending a whole lot of time in bed because it is the only place comfortable. I am sure something will materialize soon, IKea has one for $200, I know they don’t make the best quality stuff but it would fit, either that or I am going to have to make something.

While unpacking I came across a small box inside a larger box, I couldn’t remember packing it, so when I saw the smaller box I froze, it was right on top of the stuff in the bigger box of last minute things I threw into a box. It was fairly heavy and I slowly opened it to reveal a beautiful vase with a lid taped on top. It was Kato’s ashes. I had never even opened the box containing his ashes, it had just been too painful to lose him. He had been my rock through the worst time of my life and I had never been able to bring myself to spread his ashes. As silly as it may seem I just could not part with him, I had no idea that they had put his ashes in such a lovely urn. All of a sudden I was overtaken with emotion.

Kato was a difficult dog to handle, being dog aggressive and with the health issues he had; but he was my rock. I don’t know how I ever would have made it through sleeping in my truck, living out in the middle of no where, just all the times I held him and cried, all the spiders he killed for me. Stella is not like Kato, she is sweet and I love her to bits, if I outlive her I am sure I will miss her just as much, but she needs me. She relies on me to keep her safe, to provide for her, she is afraid of her own shadow; whereas I needed Kato and he never failed to be there for me and here he was again, in my hands just when I needed him. I don’t think I will ever be able to get rid of his ashes. blk and white Kato

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16 Replies to “Struggles”

  1. Aww carrie, I am crying for you…its not a pity party so please stop being so hard on yourself. We get these knocks and sometimes they last years with only spaces of good days inbetween. Your the most caring, kind lady I have had pleasure to get to know. Your Kato was still there for you, I believe we carry with us the good and the bad to get us through or somehow to keep self torturing ourselves….like we haven’t gone through enough. He is in your head because your in a place that as memories and that’s normal. He as no power anymore. I don’t know about this course anymore, I think sometimes we are directed in another path and its the unknown that’s more scary.
    My sister broken from life took off and moved to an island off Scotland…couldn’t have got more further away from everyone. She went through such a mind battle with debt, not being able to afford to keep her home (which was next door to me) she lost herself with battling and came out with exactly what you did….she just wanted to stop fighting…now she is still there…no job…just met someone (who was homeless) I think she just wants fun now…she said life was just surviving…..I have never been free but I like how I am…she is different and wants no ties ever again.
    I think your in the which way to turn part…but I know sooner or later everything will become clear. I think you deserve happiness so much carrie, I really hope you find some inner peace and ur mind settles and one of them single men know whats good for them and grab a fab woman ) x

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    1. ((((Fee)))))))) you are such a sweetheart!! and so kind. I hope all is well with you, you are in my thoughts often. YOU deserve happiness more than anyone I know!!
      I am enjoying the attention that being the new woman on the block gets a person, but not in any hurry to get involved with any man. There are a couple that have caught my eye though. 😉 I am feeling better every day. I can’t see ever checking out like your sister did, I enjoy life and the challenges it presents too much, as much as it is a worry for me and causes me pain some days, I care too much to ever stop caring.
      How have you been doing?? how is the wee one? I bet he is getting to be a big boy!
      Love and hugs to you!!

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  2. I’m glad you’re back but very sorry it has been such a challenging and traumatic experience for you. I understand how much of a setback it is for you to be back where you met James and lived with him for awhile. I hope in time it doesn’t impact you negatively and you are able to work through those difficult memories.

    I also understand, being a positive person, what it’s like to hit that low where you’re not sure you want or can find the positive anymore. It is a scary place and lonesome, but you have earned that moment where you can and should feel sorry for yourself. The loss of your dream of the funding for your school was a major blow and would have pushed the best of us down.

    You will come back once again, stronger than before, and maybe something better than that will even turn up for you. I read somewhere that the energy we send out into the universe is the energy that will be returned to us. You continue to send out positive, loving energy, even through your difficult times. It is bound to come back to you, Carrie. ❤

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    1. Jen, thank you so much. The good vibes from people like you always put a smile on my face. Every day gets better and I am sure something will happen, just as it should, when it should; in the mean time I will enjoy the scenery and be thankful for what I have.
      Much love and hugs to you

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  3. glad to have you back carrie we cant be strong all the time you are only human but an amazing inspiration to everyone on this site and whoever reads it its ok to feel bad sometimes so normal with so much stress i moved 4 times in about 3yrs packed everything myself and unpacked with chronic pain without help of narc i know how stressful moving is emotionally and phsically also the flat im in now a year ago it was suppossed to be our family home but the evening we moved in he said he was leaving me so i am still here but have tried to replaice things so it has no memories but realise here was not good memories except christmas try to think of the bad memories replace them with the good as much as you can easier said than done but it is a cycle that we go trough its just time and healing that gets us out of the depressive stages remember you are worth so much to all the people you have helped and are still helping wishing you rest and recooperation be easy with yourself carrie lots of love x

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    1. Dear Carrie,

      Thanks for this post- I know exactly how that feels! But remember that this “craving” is a consequence of Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome. Places trigger memories- and this opens the gates for regrets, the what-ifs, and delusion.

      If you have an hour this week, please listen to this excellent radio show on narcissistic trauma-bonding between the victim and the narcissist (by Kaleah La Roche):

      http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dispelling-the-myths/2013/01/23/the-stockholm-syndrome-and-trauma-bonding

      It saves me everytime I am looking back with regrets or in denial or longing!

      Remember: you could have never trusted this man again. He didn’t treat you with any love, trust, care and respect – no: he abused you! He was a trap, hooked you into a false reality. This is NOT your Reality anymore. He’s long gone. He doesn’t care anymore. You shouldn’t care about him either- he doesn’t even deserve your attention anymore. Not one more post or thought or regret about him should be standing in the way of your future. You should try to totally release him energetically/psychially.

      Your reality is a path of healing, release from trauma. I know how difficult that is, as I am struggling myself with it, going back and forth. What helps me so mich is listenig to Kaleah La Roches many radio shows here when I have week moments (which is almost daily, at this time of the year;-)):

      http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dispelling-the-myths
      http://www.narcissismfree.com.

      Look at the boats and all the other, new people around you, now wasting to connect with you in a good, heathy way. Let them in if they show up authentically. Yes, and especially good men:-)

      Xx Alice

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      1. Alice, thank you, I will listen when I get a free hour. I am not missing him, nor do I want him back or doubt myself. It is just the memories take me back to a time when I was so broken, it makes me sad to remember where I was, how low I was and now to remember, with a clear head and heart I can see so clearly what was going on and felt so helpless to do anything about it. It is I suppose part of healing, to rehash the relationship without the rose colored glasses on.
        I think it is normal when a person is thrown back into an area where a lot of trauma happened. If anything it solidified even more for me how sick the bastard really is.
        Hugs

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    2. Kim, moving is so stressful!! I can relate to moving 4 times in 3 years. Before I met James I moved about every 5 years, I would buy a house, fix it up and sell for a profit and buy something else. After I met him I ended up moving almost every year, ( he would either piss off the neighbors, lose his job or I would end up moving trying to get away from him and then let him back into my life)He never ever helped. I got so sick of moving!!! Whenever someone moves I am the first to volunteer to help out, do the cleaning etc, I helped my son move and my brother but when it comes time for me to move, everyone is always busy or not around. I forget and I think people who know me forget that i am getting older and can’t work day after day packing boxes etc. I remember years ago when i bought my big house, we moved and my then husband was in a baseball tournament. We hired movers but I unpacked everything, wall papered, hung pictures, and had the house basically all set up while he was a ball and we had the team over for a party the next day. Crazy!! I could never do that now. I used to be called the “energizer bunny” because I would just keep going and going. Well this bunny’s batteries are getting low and I don’t want nor can I do that any more. and that is OK.
      Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
      Hugs and love

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  4. It is so good to see you here again. I know just what you mean about those old ghosts…until I moved here, I was 5 houses down the road from the ex, and his farm touched our backyard…yuck! Then I was moved to work at a school in the area I lived in when I was raped…talk about dealing with some old crap! I pray that you have the strength to face the darkness head on and take back your power from it! You have overcome so much…

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    1. Army of Angels, I can only imagine the old ghosts you had to deal with. I have always felt lucky that I was able to move away from where James was living and didn’t have to see him everyday. I can’t imagine what it was like for you to have to go back to where you were raped. You are a very strong woman!
      I am getting stronger every day, if anything the memories have solidified even more that I did the right thing by leaving and how crazy he was, our relationship was. The thought of him makes my stomach turn and now with a clearer heart and head I can’t imagine ever tolerating treatment like that again. I was so filled with doubt back then and I am not now. It is all a process I am sure.
      Having the love and support of people like you certainly makes it easier.
      Hugs and love to you

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      1. I have to say, Carrie, like you, the support I found here has lifted me up to a place of courage. Writing about it all and facing the demons helped me move through the flashbacks. I now find more and more women opening up to me about their experiences with narcissists and betrayal. I wish I hadn’t been raped…I tried to suppress it and pretend like it didn’t happen. I am so glad that there are so many compassionate souls like you, who take the time to reach out and validate the experiences of other survivors. There is HOPE!

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