The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death

Scott once again hits the nail on the head and talks about the other “thing” no one wants to talk about. Suicide. Tell people you can’t go on and they will tell you “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”, “this too shall pass” , “look at the bright side” or worse they tell you that you “shouldn’t feel that way”.
There is nothing “wrong” with feeling suicidal, it is “normal” for someone who has been through what many of you have.
I attempted suicide about 6 months out of the relationship with James because I was in such a financial hole, with NO support and he was telling me I should kill myself because “no man would ever want me, I had made his life hell for 10 years.”
I failed obviously, nothing ,makes you feel like a failure more than failing at suicide. It has to be the downest of the down times.
But it was when I decided to start the blog, to declare to the world I was going to survive this, make myself accountable to someone.
If you know someone is suicidal, make them accountable to you, make them sign an agreement that if they decide to do something they have to talk to you first. A person is less likely to do harm to themselves if they have to be accountable to someone.
About a year after I failed in my attempt my brother said something about it being a permanent solution yada yada yada and not knowing what the future holds.
My reply to him was; “So far there has not been one moment in my life since where I said to myself, “Boy am I ever glad I didn’t miss this!!”
He said, “Fair enough.”
I am on the other side of suicide and it never crosses my mind as a solution any more. I love living. Even at my worst times, I know that life is worth living.
What has changed? not too much, my finances have gotten worse, I have had dreams shattered since, had two heart attacks, been stalked and slandered by my ex, buried two dogs. To look at my life I have less reason to live than ever and less reason to hope for a better life in the future; but I do! I want to stick around and see how the story ends, I want more time, not less.
The only thing that has changed is time; I have had time to heal and get strong again, I found myself and I love who I am and I don’t believe that having a man or not should determine whether I live or not. My worth was never determined by the man in my life, if anything, James devalued my life.
So if you are feeling like life isn’t worth living; give it time, you are worth waiting for.
I can’t count how many times I have thought; “Boy, I am sure glad I didn’t miss this!!” in the past 3+ years.
You don’t know how the movie ends and too leave the theater too soon you could miss an unexpected plot twist. You are the star of this show.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  Psalm 23:4

There always comes that day, that horrible day, when you ask, “how long can this last?”. You are at the bottom. A divorce or a death or the death of a dream or a lifestyle can easily take you there. Dark places. People often ask me, “how could someone kill themselves? How can anyone be so selfish? So far gone? I’ll tell you how. Come down and play at the other end of the pool for a while and watch your life and everything you value taken from you; and your family and friends abandon you, and then tell me how bad things can get.

I’ve talked about this before. Simply type “waiting” in the search bar…

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