“He always talks his way back into my life”, “I don’t think he could ever really hurt me”, “Once we split he always feels so sorry and I take him back”, “He just won’t leave me alone, I asked him to, but he keeps calling, telling me he needs me”; “I feel sorry for him”, “He admitted to everything he ever did wrong and cried real tears”, “I will just go talk to him, hear what he has to say”, “I know I should stay away but he makes me feel guilty”, “I know he is a liar, I just want to see what he has to say for himself”, “I know he is unhealthy for me but I can’t help it, I love him, I need him, I am addicted to him”, “I am trying to wean myself from him slowly,” “maybe if I break it off slowly it won’t hurt so bad or he will slowly get the hint and find someone else”.
I am sure I have missed a few of the excuses you tell yourself and anyone who asks why you keep him in your life even though he makes you so unhappy and treats you so badly. You probably think you are only hurting yourself, what harm can it do to just hear what he has to say? You can always think of a hundred reason to call him, I remember almost daily I could come up with some problem only he could solve, or need advice only he could give, or have some need to be in his neighborhood. Especially when you first split, every where you go you are thinking about him, you see something that you know he would like, you hear something that you know would interest him, you will feel the need to contact him dozens of times in a day. It took me over a year to not want to buy something I knew he would like, or when I saw something while hauling scrap that I knew he would have been thrilled to get off my truck; I struggled with tossing it off the truck and not giving it to him. I remember how we would split and still never go a full day without seeing each other or at least making contact somehow. I would lie to everyone, even myself; and say I won’t take him back this time, this time he had taken it too far, cheated one too many times, or messed with my truck for the last time but I really wanted him to come to me and beg me to come back. I was a prime candidate to be sucked in by the lies, because I wanted to hear them so bad. As long as he was lying to me, I could lie to myself and I was off the hook and didn’t have to take responsibility for my own pain. After all, he lied; I was honest. But to be honest, I knew when he was lying, especially in the last few years, the last time he came to apologize, I knew he was lying but i didn’t have proof, plus he was saying all the things I longed to hear for so long and I didn’t have any better offers. I wanted to believe he was being honest, so I did.
I conveniently forgot those times when he had stalked me, the times I had feared for my life, he appeared so sincere now in front of me with tears streaming down his face, this man in front of me was not the same man who had stood towering over me spewing his hate-filled venom at me, calling me a selfish bitch with his fists clenched and loathing in his eyes, as I ;lay curled in a ball in the corner with my arms wrapped around my head yelling for help. After all, we had gone a couple of years without any sign of violence on his part, mind you, I had been independent and had my own place so he was not in the power position, he knew it was easy for me to leave. That is why when we got back together he had to destroy my truck and my ability to be independent. Once he did, there was nothing to stop his hatred. There is no way i can tell you what he was thinking. it makes no sense to beg a person back so you can hate them, make them dependent on you so you can reject them. That is something that someone filled with hate would do. A normal person would want to get as far away as possible from a person they hate. He told me once that he had never been as violence with any women like he was with me and that when I was curled in a ball and he saw that fear in my eyes he felt powerful, he liked it, knowing he could reduce me to a shake blob of fear curled on the floor. but it disgusted him at the same time, he didn’t respect me.
As with all things, what gives a person a rush of adrenaline, what excites them loses it’s effect after a while and the narcissist has to ramp it up to get the same sense of power. For one thing, the victim gets immune to the abuse and doesn’t react as strongly the 15th time she catches him screwing around, he knows she will take him back, she always does, she knows she will take him back, she always does. It becomes “just the way they are”, the victim gets complacent and loses her natural instincts to sense danger because it has become part of the day, part of the way the relationship “works”, he gets angry, she does this, he does that, he apologizes, she forgives, and so it goes but it gets boring for the narcissist. The narcissist thrives on power, if he can make you cry he feels in control, after you have forgiven him so many times he has to do something worse to prove to himself he still has that power and control. At some point in time, who knows when; he will cross the line and go too far. He will get lost in his need to control, he is a sick person remember, he doesn’t think like a normal person, he doesn’t reason like a normal person. The victim is the cause of all things bad in his life and to continue to play Russian Roulette with a narcissist is gambling with your life, you never know when he will lose all sense of reality or just stop pretending to care, you will be more bother than you are worth. Or you will finally end it before he is ready, or he will just deem you worthless.
I was talking to a fellow the other day and he happens to be good friends with the people who live next door to the woman who was burned alive by her abusive boyfriend. He told me that his friends had to move out of their trailer because it was so badly smoke damaged and the trailer next door is just a charred rumble. His friends have a 16 year old son who refuses to ever go back to the trailer. He can’t even go in the trailer park, the minute he does he has a panic attack. All the kid keeps seeing the trailer engulfed in flames and hearing the screams from inside. I asked if the couple were split at the time and he said it had been an “on again off again” relationship. They had been split at the time and he was staying with friends in a small community about 20 minutes away. That is where the police found him and arrested him that night.
You can bet that the woman knew he could kill her, but she told herself she was being paranoid, he never really hurt her, maybe she thought she was appeasing him by staying in contact, maybe she was afraid to end it totally and thought she could wean him out of the relationship. Or maybe she thought he could change, who knows what she was thinking but she obviously was playing Russian Roulette, had gotten complacent with the abuse, numbed to it, the relationship had become “just the way they were” maybe she was tired of the fighting and found it easier to just give in to him. I am sure if she would have thought he was going to kill her she would have taken precautions, When I feared for my life I didn’t go to the cops, I was afraid they would think I was crazy, I didn’t tell anyone because whenever I did people would shut down, change the subject, tell me I was imagining things and look at me like I was insane.
if you wait for ;proof that he can kill you it will be too late. Believe me, if he is capable of hurting you to the degree he has already, he doesn’t have a conscience that would stop him from killing you. I am not even telling you to leave, that is something you have to do with well thought out plan if possible but once you do leave, or he leaves you; please stay away.