I Can’t Seem To Stay Away-No Contact Is Just Too Hard

“He always talks his way back into my life”, “I don’t think he could ever really hurt me”, “Once we split he always feels so sorry and I take him back”, “He just won’t leave me alone, I asked him to, but he keeps calling, telling me he needs me”; “I feel sorry for him”, “He admitted to everything he ever did wrong and cried real tears”, “I will just go talk to him, hear what he has to say”, “I know I should stay away but he makes me feel guilty”, “I know he is a liar, I just want to see what he has to say for himself”, “I know he is unhealthy for me but I can’t help it, I love him, I need him, I am addicted to him”, “I am trying to wean myself from him slowly,” “maybe if I break it off slowly it won’t hurt so bad or he will slowly get the hint and find someone else”.

I am sure I have missed a few of the excuses you tell yourself and anyone who asks why you keep him in your life even though he makes you so unhappy and treats you so badly. You probably think you are only hurting yourself, what harm can it do to just hear what he has to say? You can always think of a hundred reason to call him, I remember almost daily I could come up with some problem only he could solve, or need advice only he could give, or have some need to be in his neighborhood. Especially when you first split, every where you go you are thinking about him, you see something that you know he would like, you hear something that you know would interest him, you will feel the need to contact him dozens of times in a day. It took me over a year to not want to buy something I knew he would like, or when I saw something while hauling scrap that I knew he would have been thrilled to get off my truck; I struggled with tossing it off the truck and not giving it to him. I remember how we would split and still never go a full day without seeing each other or at least making contact somehow. I would lie to everyone, even myself; and say I won’t take him back this time, this time he had taken it too far, cheated one too many times, or messed with my truck for the last time but I really wanted him to come to me and beg me to come back. I was a prime candidate to be sucked in by the lies, because I wanted to hear them so bad. As long as he was lying to me, I could lie to myself and I was off the hook and didn’t have to take responsibility for my own pain. After all, he lied; I was honest. But to be honest, I knew when he was lying, especially in the last few years, the last time he came to apologize, I knew he was lying but i didn’t have proof, plus he was saying all the things I longed to hear for so long and I didn’t have any better offers. I wanted to believe he was being honest, so I did.

I conveniently forgot those times when he had stalked me, the times I had feared for my life, he appeared so sincere now in front of me with tears streaming down his face, this man in front of me was not the same man who had stood towering over me spewing his hate-filled venom at me, calling me a selfish bitch with his fists clenched and loathing in his eyes, as I ;lay curled in a ball in the corner with my arms wrapped around my head yelling for help. After all, we had gone a couple of years without any sign of violence on his part, mind you, I had been independent and had my own place so he was not in the power position, he knew it was easy for me to leave. That is why when we got back together he had to destroy my truck and my ability to be independent. Once he did, there was nothing to stop his hatred. There is no way i can tell you what he was thinking. it makes no sense to beg a person back so you can hate them, make them dependent on you so you can reject them. That is something that someone filled with hate would do. A normal person would want to get as far away as possible from a person they hate.  He told me once that he had never been as violence with any women like he was with me and that when I was curled in a ball and he saw that fear in my eyes he felt powerful, he liked it, knowing he could reduce me to a shake blob of fear curled on the floor. but it disgusted him at the same time, he didn’t respect me.

As with all things, what gives a person a rush of adrenaline, what excites them loses it’s effect after a while and the narcissist has to ramp it up to get the same sense of power. For one thing, the victim gets immune to the abuse and doesn’t react as strongly the 15th time she catches him screwing around, he knows she will take him back, she always does, she knows she will take him back, she always does. It becomes “just the way they are”, the victim gets complacent and loses her natural instincts to sense danger because it has become part of the day, part of the way the relationship “works”, he gets angry, she does this, he does that, he apologizes, she forgives, and so it goes but it gets boring for the narcissist. The narcissist thrives on power, if he can make you cry he feels in control, after you have forgiven him so many times he has to do something worse to prove to himself he still has that power and control. At some point in time, who knows when; he will cross the line and go too far. He will get lost in his need to control, he is a sick person remember, he doesn’t think like a normal person, he doesn’t reason like a normal person. The victim is the cause of all things bad in his life and to continue to play Russian Roulette with a narcissist is gambling with your life, you never know when he will lose all sense of reality or just stop pretending to care, you will be more bother than you are worth. Or you will finally end it before he is ready, or he will just deem you worthless.

I was talking to a fellow the other day and he happens to be good friends with the people who live next door to the woman who was burned alive by her abusive boyfriend. He told me that his friends had to move out of their trailer because it was so badly smoke damaged and the trailer next door is just a charred rumble. His friends have a 16 year old son who refuses to ever go back to the trailer. He can’t even go in the trailer park, the minute he does he has a panic attack. All the kid keeps seeing the trailer engulfed in flames and hearing the screams from inside. I asked if the couple were split at the time and he said it had been an “on again off again” relationship. They had been split at the time and he was staying with friends in a small community about 20 minutes away. That is where the police found him and arrested him that night.

You can bet that the woman knew he could kill her, but she told herself she was being paranoid, he never really hurt her, maybe she thought she was appeasing him by staying in contact, maybe she was afraid to end it totally and thought she could wean him out of the relationship. Or maybe she thought he could change, who knows what she was thinking but she obviously was playing Russian Roulette, had gotten complacent with the abuse, numbed to it, the relationship had become “just the way they were” maybe she was tired of the fighting and found it easier to just give in to him. I am sure if she would have thought he was going to kill her she would have taken precautions, When I feared for my life I didn’t go to the cops, I was afraid they would think I was crazy, I didn’t tell anyone because whenever I did people would shut down, change the subject, tell me I was imagining things and look at me like I was insane.

if you wait for ;proof that he can kill you it will be too late. Believe me, if he is capable of hurting you to the degree he has already, he doesn’t have a conscience that would stop him from killing you. I am not even telling you to leave, that is something you have to do with well thought out plan if possible but once you do leave, or he leaves you; please stay away.

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16 Replies to “I Can’t Seem To Stay Away-No Contact Is Just Too Hard”

  1. So totally me. Have I been out of it for so long that I didn’t notice your name/blog change, or am I only out of it enough realize that I am confusing you with Lucky Otter? Either way, my cheeks are turning red.

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  2. Never mind. I figured it out! LOL Yup, I’ve been that out of it. I knew that would happen, so my cheeks are still red. Grrrr. I do love your blog!

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  3. very very difficult to go no contact with children. When the controlling abuse happens to the children you cant stand it and you try to do anything to stop it the courts say the father must be in the childrens lives he can do anything he wants to the children short of rape and theres nothing you can do about it. when the girls 3 of them are with him it takes two days to get them back into the real world they are in counsiling but he counter attacks any progress they might make 2 of the girls have wittnessed him raping me but its too late he has taught them its all my fault.

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  4. This is a brilliant post and it comes SO TIMELY. You are describing exactly how I have been feeling before and (strangely enough also after) every single hoovering of “my” narc – last time was on Easter Sunday where he managed to put me off-guard and spoil ANOTHER holiday break with I was having with my family by sending a simple two-liner via WhatsApp, as usual (wash-rinse-repeat). Why the hell did I unblock his number from WhatsApp shortly before the Easter break? Because I somehow wanted proof and validation that I am still on his mind/that he misses me/that he regrets what he has done yada yada da… Did I get this “balm”? Nope.
    At least, I didn’t react to the message; I have ignored half-a-dozen messages of him since January (and these are the ones that got through to me when I temporarily unblocked him or dropped my “firewalls”). No reaction whatsoever on my part, YAY! I am very proud of myself:-)

    BUT my head was spinning again and hurtful emotions were trigered again every single time without fail. Hurt, pain, anxiety, fear, regrets, longing for the good times we shared were triggered, even sexual desire, oh damit – I hate to admit it but it’s the truth. So I guess he still has his grip on me, even though I have successfully enforced no contact since January.

    Today, I went to all the denial, rationalizing, delusional thinking you are describing in your post. “If only he’d contact me once again, then I’d tell him that I am now ready to hear his side of the story”, “maybe I should contact him (!) to hear how he has been doing”, and the I simply laid in my bed crying this morning and all I could feel is “I need him, I miss him so badly, I just can’t go on like this, I want him back in my life SOMEHOW!”

    Good gracious – what is this gravity?

    I guess it’s co-dependency, a manifestation of addiction. I am an addict going through withdrawl, it’s as simple as that. I listened to so many SLAA testimonies/sharing sin Youtube and to the entire 7-Hour-Reading of the SLAA “Big Book”, and it’s all in there. I could see all of the toxic, addictive patterns of my toxic relationship with the narcissistic.

    Why is it so incredibly difficult to detach emotionally, physically and psychially from a narc. Because the narc experience caused a trauma-bond. The sexual and emotional bondage with me being his “plaything”, the hoovering, triangulation, gaslighting and silent treatments, the lying, truth-twisting and cheating; all that crazy-making, malignant behaviour within recurring cycles of idealization/devaluation/discard created engraved a trauma into my body, psyche and soul. How can I get rid of this harmful hook?

    Today, I felt so desperate that I plucked up my courage and had a one hour phone conversation with the only (!) renowned therapist working with victims of narc abuse in my country. She lives at the other side of the Country, 400+ miles away. She recommanded me to get an EMDr treatment for post-traumatic stress syndrome. I will try to find a good therapist who uses this technique and share my experience at a later stage.

    But for today, that phone conversation and Carrie’s blog post here saved me from breaking no contact after over 90+ days. Thank you so much Carrie!!! xx

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  5. carrie this is very timely for me too didnt contact him for week felt like i didnt even want to he texted me said he needed something he s now bought a motorbike again and wanted his stuff i said i wasnt feeling well which i dont he turned his tone and yelled but i need them today i stuck to my guns then he phoned again i thought i would let him come felt intense anxiety and fear about even hearing his voice again put me staight back crying and being an emotional mess after trying to work on myself and build a life without him he then turned all nice on me and said we should meet and go out each week he was worried i have nothing to look forward to my daughter also came out with this line after meeting with him funny that i just want him to leave me alone he left me they are so selfish wanting their new life and us as a dear friend my doctor said i need to be harder with him but they are so manipulating i said leave me alone if i need you i will contact you and he needs to speak to me in a respectful manner or i will not speak to him what can you do with these people he was never phsically violent but verbally it is just as bad thankyou for grounding us with this post you are truly a life savor x

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  6. What Carrie writes is really true. All that feelings I have myself. I am on no contact for a year now. Once I broke it by sending him an email. His NGF called me a ‘fucking bitch’. He didn’t want to cooperate to put the mortgage in his name and then I broke down and send him a very unnuanced email. But did it help? No, he wrote back he and his NGF had lots of laughs about it and he would send it to all of his friends (which friends). I was down for the whole Christmas time, which allready was hard to do.
    So, when I think I want to tell him something about the things he was doing or want to send him a blog I read, which was like I was reading about him, I don’t do that. It is still a struggle to do, but my friends are very proud of me and say it too.
    And yes I blocked him on whatsapp, but don’t unblock him at any time. If only it was to not see the picture he puts in his profile.
    After he finds the NGF he wouldn’t try to contact me anyway. He is strong now, because he has someone else. And I, I am the bad one. I left him. The rich man with the nice house. What was I thinking to leave him and have hardly any money. Sometimes I really don’t know why I did it. But I know for sure, he is not happy. He wasn’t happy with me, so why would he be happy with her? And staying away and making no contact with him, is the best thing I could do and not only for myself.

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  7. I’m sure it’s different with kids. I mean she could run with them but then she’d be hunted down and likely imprisoned for kidnapping her own children. I don’t know the answer though and I don’t have any kids. But I do feel for the 16 year old who lived next door as much as for those little kids of the woman who was killed in that fire.

    PTSD in children really breaks my heart because they didn’t choose any of that. It will impair their development. I hope they get the help they need to heal.

    As for staying out once out…it really is so much easier when he (or she) stays away. I was (now I realize) very lucky in that aspect. He seems to have no issue with settling in and moving in on someone else to consider the love of his life.

    I would’ve melted at his feet if he’d made an appearance after the break up but now it’s been long enough that I am no longer addicted. I still suffer from PTSD though, however that was there before him and the problems that comes with it were the reason I was with him in the first place.

    Yes, if you can keep yourself away, the withdrawal will run its course and it won’t be easy. But once it has, you’ll be glad you got through it. We need to come to the realization that we are worth so much more than abuse and crumbs and lies and head games. But for some of us that doesn’t even begin to happen until we get through the withdrawal.

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    1. Safire, I can relate to what you are saying, as long as James was contacting me I wasn’t able to stay no contact. I wouldn’t contact him but I would read his texts and reply or answer his calls. I would also cry, “why does he keep hurting me?” Then he met his new victim and didn’t contact me for almost a year. When he did pop back into my life I was able to do the no contact thing. But the addiction had subsided, I had been away long enough.

      It is totally unfair that we are the ones who are the victims and the ones who have to save ourselves but it is the way it is. When we feel our weakest, we have to find the strength to stay away.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Letter to my Narc after Fifth Discard:

    I am afraid of you.

    Maybe…if at all, you just might have cared for me the way one would care for a toaster when it works as expected.

    We are all just appliances.

    You must have a new toaster now, because I don’t exist to you anymore.

    I think when the women you injure, cry over you, is when you feel the most important. You bathe yourself in their tears and seek redemption in the suffering you invoke.

    Like a insect, you go from flower to flower, sucking out the nectar…leaving it wilted and empty before landing on the next to feed.

    Behind your pretty mask, is a predator, whose loathing of himself and women, almost seeps from your pores like acid, scarring and maiming any trusting one that touches you.

    Yet, we come willingly like lambs to slaughter…drawn to your glow as a moth is, to a flame. Your light is so bright, we are blinded.

    Your smile so beautiful, we don’t see the razor sharp teeth you eventually eat us with.

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  9. Hi Carrie and All real persons here. I need to vent, hope to feel at least à bit better after. I am writing from m’y cell so sorry if you find mistakes. I am finally back to my country. I am visiting à friend today, on a are da shared one who believes me. She told me now my ex partner was really attracted by that friend of ours and “why ” she was so ready to discard me, doing all that crazy making stuff worst and worst until i get lost and the smear campaign after. But they never had à relationship. Eventually because of this théy apparently do not see each other any more. Soon after that, she met à man and now she goes everywhere showing how much she is happy and evrrithing just perfection with him. I can t believe à word of this, first because she does not fall for men. Then because I am quite sure She is just using hum to get pregnant. When We were together She really drove me crazy and torturing me to make me say yes to let her sleeping with thé first man on thé road just to have Kids. I could not éven Think about it and really Hurt. So I now guess she is just going on with her cinical plan. Éven if I Know this hurts so bad I can t find the words. M’y friend told me that for my ex it is as if I ve never existed. That s awful. I feel dead inside. That s what I was afraid of coming back here. The suffering the horrible horrible horrible huge suffering. I would like to meeting her and tell her how I m feeling disgusted and that not only me but many people here have guessed what She is ding and why. But dont feel strong enough, just a gain devasteted To confront her and so She will surely use this to make me feel éven worst if ever possible. I can t believe I ve been so naïve and she conned me for years. How can I trust à gain? Don t believe in life. In love. In poetry. In happiness. And seemed not able to throw her the hell out of my he ad. She éven told to our friend “Rosi is great! ” after She s been told about m’y good position in a literary contest here. It was like à knife on my stomach. I can t stop crying.
    Thank you for taking thé time to read. Hope you re doing well. Ciao

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    1. rosi its terrible how we find out friends are not really friends support is such an important thing to have while going through this process i only have my mum as true support and one lady i met in a church oneday i just walked in i was a mess she listened to me and was so kind she texts me sometimes to see if im ok it means a lot as i have no friends maybe you you need to find some new friends they are not supporting you only you can decide that come here anytime for support good luck rosi i wish you well x

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    2. Rosi, believe me, confronting her will do you no good and have no effect on her except to inflate her ego. She does not have a conscience, does not feel empathy so you will never make her feel bad, any anger or sadness you show her is giving her exactly what she wants, to know that she is powerful enough to make you hurt. Everything to do with her is going to hurt right now, of course it will, that is natural and she is going to try to make herself look so happy because that is what she wants you and everyone else to think, so she can say it was your fault “See how happy I am with this other person? So it was not MY fault it must have been the other person’s fault the relationship failed”. That is why it is so important to your healing to not have contact but not only that, not talk to people who will tell you what she is doing and how happy she looks.

      I had to let go of some friends who insisted on telling me everything they heard about my ex. As much as I wondered what he was doing, every time I heard about him I was sent swirling down the dark rabbit hole of depression and would end up in tears again. I would tell them I don’t want to hear about what he is doing, it hurts; some friends listened to me and never mentioned him again yet other’s just couldn’t not tell me how happy he was, or even bad things about him……..it all hurt so I stopped talking to them and if their number came up on call display I didn’t answer. Some people like to see another person in pain, some like to be “the one in the Know”, they know something you don’t and can’t wait to share it with you, even if it will hurt you.
      What good does it do you to know what she is doing now? Does it matter to YOUR life now? What can be gained by you knowing what she is doing, if she is happy or not? She is not in your life any more, so what she does is none of your business, I don’t mean that in a mean way, but it is the facts and it is not healthy for you, it hurts you, so stop doing it.

      I know you think you want to know, but if it hurts why? she is no longer hurting you; you are hurting yourself by choice. Sorry, but that is the truth. You
      WERE a victim, but you are out of the relationship so it is up to you whether you stay a victim or not.

      I know you hurt, we all hurt, horribly!! and I was one of the slowest learners out there, but what I am telling you is proven facts, you will get over her a lot faster and hurt a lot less if you stop focusing on her and focus on YOU. You just moved, there most be things you need to do for YOU. She will fade in your memory if you stop embedding her into your brain. We control what we think about, you embed thoughts into your brain, it only knows what you put in it. If you keep obsessing about her that is what your brain will think about. Start putting other thoughts into your head, anything!! learn something new, force yourself to read something anything, change what you think about and eventually your brain will have other things to focus on. It takes time and work to get over someone, some people never do; because they didn’t try hard enough. time alone will not heal you, effort will.
      Take time every day to have a good cry and then wash your face and force yourself to get outside for fresh air and a walk, smile at strangers, say Hi to people and do something nice for someone else.
      HUgs

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