I know a few people are disappointed to find out he was not what he pretended to be. To him he did nothing wrong, He was helping people, which he was, but it is not help if it is done by lying and that is something a narcissist doesn’t understand. As long as things “look” sincere they don’t see why anyone would be upset. My ex could not understand why I was upset he was sleeping with other women when he was on the road trucking; like he said, “You weren’t there.” He figured that as long as he called me a couple of times a day, told me he loved me and said he was going to bed early and missed me, I should be happy. By all outward appearances he was being faithful and it wasn’t like I was available. The women who lived in Alberta got the same treatment when he was with me and he expected them to be totally faithful to him. I know it doesn’t make sense, they don’t make sense and that is why it is futile to try and figure why they do what they do. They do not have the same thought processes as a normal person.
I found that for the first year or more after my ex and I split for the last time every time I turned around I was dealing with another narcissist. An old friend of my ex and mine, married friend who always talked highly of his wife all of a sudden wanted sex from me. He let me live in his trailer and wanted sex in payment. I was isolated, no running water, no heat, stuck out in the boonies and he expected sexual favors! I can’t count how many times I turned him down, how many different ways I explained why I would never sleep with him and he used my desperation to try and co-hearse me into sleeping with him. He would phone and say he needed the trailer for work in two days and if I had no where to go I could come with him (I told him to take the trailer I would work something out), he even tried the same line’s as my ex and said he had been given 6 months to live. When I was finally able to move out of there I never spoke to him again. He called me to ask why he hadn’t heard from me and I told him that I thought he was despicable for trying to take advantage of me at my most vulnerable. He admitted that it had been his plan when he offered me the trailer but he had stopped trying. I said, “Yeah after I moved out!” and hung up on him. He went on a slander campaign and I couldn’t have cared less. He and my ex became buddies again. Good! they can try to screw each other over in deals until hell freezes over for all I care.
My truck broke down and the shop charged me $750 to fix it and it didn’t even make it home and broke down. I called them and they said no way was it anything they did or didn’t do and wanted me to put a new engine it it. I got a friend to tow it out of there and it ended up being a $.50 part. I have links below to an incident with my Chev truck when the drive shaft fell out of it and a “friend” who was doing me a favor tried to screw me over.
There was a constant stream of assholes beating their way to my door to either physically screw me or financially screw me. I got so sick and tired of everyone wanting a piece of me when I had nothing left.
It is very hard to keep going when from all angles you have narcissists circling like vultures, they wait for the narcissist to be done with the victim and then they swoop in and pick the bones clean. They are opportunists, just like in school when the weakling gets picked on, or the runt of the litter is picked on by the rest of the puppies, you see it all over the world all the time, the weak get taken advantage of. I don’t know why it is that way but it seems to be the way of the world.
So how does a person get strong again when you always have someone trying to tear you down at every turn? I don’t know, I just know that when I got the job at Ccon, my whole life made a turn for the better. The job didn’t turn out, I had my ex sabotaging me by making anonymous complaint calls about me, but I found out later that the company had just hired me to get my contacts anyway, and then I had my 2nd heart attack and that was that. Even though it sounds like it turned out horribly bad, it was the catalyst to getting me over the extremely negative mind set I was in.
I knew that negative breeds more negativity and tried to have a positive attitude but it was impossible at the time. When I got the job I also put an offer in on the cabin at the lake and I felt I had control of my life back and even though my ex did his damnest to destroy it, he didn’t, and I survived it all, even losing the house recently. Why is my attitude so much more positive? Because my ex no longer controls my life, and since I realized that and discovered who I am and that I really like myself, I have not been as needy and the vultures have stopped circling.
It is a big connected circle, at some point the negative cycle has to have a break in it and the positive sneaks in; when it does you have to be ready to pounce on it and ride for all it’s worth. I am NOT talking about finding a man as the solution, that will only get you into more trouble. If you rely on man (or a lover) to give you self worth, or to “fix” your life, the odds are you will meet a vulture, or you will fall for the first guy that comes along that seems to think you are great, whether you love him or not. Those feelings of inferiority, of being fragile will remain until you deal with them. As with any new love relationship, in the beginning you feel wonderful, but sooner or later that euphoria subsides and then the slightest sign of rejection by your new lover will bring back all the old feelings and reaction you had with the narcissist.
Make your own good fortune, get to know yourself and get really comfortable with who you are. I know you can’t forget the narcissist, but stop focusing on him and focus on YOU, what makes YOU tick, what makes you happy, what are your values and your dreams, your goals, what are your good traits. I bet you can list all the things you love about the narc, tell me what you love about you! It sounds simplistic yet impossible at the same time, but you can do it. When you figure out that you are a great person, and I don’t mean without flaws; that is impossible, but when you truly accept and love yourself unconditionally, nothing anyone does can change that inner peace you will have and it won’t matter if you run into a vulture, or a narcissist because they will no longer have power over you. There will be nothing to fear.
The only way to make sure you never get hooking up with another narcissist is to know yourself because they focus in on your weak spots, your areas of insecurity and self doubt. They attack where they know it will hurt the most, if you know your soft spots and accept them, no one can ever make you feel bad about them again.
I understand that finding oit he was not what he projected to be, I felt it myself. I was pissed that he “smoozed” or tried, because my gut was telling me something was not right there but I had nothing to back up the feeling I had and was just sitting back watching in case something did.. It would have affected me stronger a few years ago when I was vulnerable, I was very sensitive and took everything every one did personally. When I first heard about him harassing a member of the blog I was angry and I thought how he must have been patting himself on the back congratulating himself for the great performance he gave. I immediately thought how it reflected on me and my blog. But when it comes right down to it, how I handled is what really counts, not what he did.
And that is all any of us can do, take care of things from our end, how we handle ourselves is all we can control and if we do the best we can at all times and are accountable when we screw up, that is all that anyone can expect of us and what we should be judged on.