Maybe I Was Wrong – Maybe I Am Crazy

One of the things that causes so much self doubt in the victim is the narcissist blames them for the narcissist actions or twists the facts, or tells the victim their way of thinking and feeling is wrong. James used to say that he could not handle my warped views, that I viewed life through a different lens than the rest of the world and I was basically whacked.

I told him I wasn’t afraid of being wrong, but I was not going to take his word for it. I challenged him to find one person, any person he chose would be fine with me, it could be a guy off the street, it could be his best buddy; bring them to me and in front of me tell them exactly what happens in our relationship and then ask them if I am wrong to be hurt or angry. If they say that I am totally whacked and out of touch with reality, I will get help and I will change. If you are so right and I am so wrong; prove it to me. He never did, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to find one person who could say he was right and I was wrong, not even his best buddy would be able to do it and he would never have admitted to anyone the things that he did. He knew it was wrong or he would not have hidden it or lied about it.

If a person knows they are right, without a shadow of doubt, they don’t hide what they are doing, they don’t expect you to not tell other people. James also used to accuse me of only telling people the bad things he did and never telling them the good things he did for me. I spoke very little about the bad things James did because I knew people would tell me to leave and think I was crazy for staying so I didn’t tell people what went on behind closed doors. I was ashamed of what I tolerated. But, even if I had; whatever happens behind closed doors in a relationship should be able to be talked about publicly; I am not saying you should share all your dirty laundry with everyone, somethings in a relationship deserve to be kept private. But with that said, there should never be a need for secrets,

If you feel bad telling someone how your partner treats you then you need to look at the relationship closer, are you settling for something you know is less than what you deserve?

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11 thoughts on “Maybe I Was Wrong – Maybe I Am Crazy

  1. Amen! And I’m not religious.
    I was JUST thinking (right before I read this) how my self doubt has effected me as well as had me keeping my mouth shut. Being worried that I was the one who was completely off base. I was the one who didn’t get it.

    Also, the shame you refer to about the toxic dysfunction and being ashamed to mention it. That is a red flag in itself. And so sad that our self doubt keeps us right where they want us as much as it keeps the self doubt in its own cycle and keep us stuck really in our own way of dysfunctional thinking.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Safire, not only the self doubt but I really hate to talk badly about someone behind their back, I think it reflects poorly on the person doing the talking. But it bites us in the ass because when it ends and then we try to tell people what went on he has already filled their ears with bullshit and we sound like we are just trying to be vindictive. “If it was so bad why didn’t you say something sooner?” Unbeknownst to us he was building his case long before he left us, telling everyone how horrible we are.
      Oh well, I still believe they always show their true nature eventually and I just keep being the same me I have always been.
      But, what it all boils down to is; why was I with a person who I would even have anything nasty to say about them?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Or even not necessarily nasty, but going to confide in someone about something that isn’t sitting quite right in our mind.

        There’s something that stops us from doing that right?

        For me it was a combo. I did feel guilty about talking about my S.O. ‘behind his back’ even if it was about something I was having self doubt about. Not calling him names but just seeing if I was being ‘too sensitive’ or if it was something normal, from a more subjective POV. I mean, my gauge on normal was screwed as a result of blurred boundaries in my family’s household…and I knew my gauge was off.

        But I still felt reluctant to ask others or confide in them.

        And that brings me to the other reasons I held back from confiding or telling it like it was in the first place.

        I was afraid they’d tell me something I didn’t want to hear. And I was afraid of their judgment.

        And the judgment thing was two fold because if I stayed even after hearing what I didn’t want to, then, I was the idiot. (Not really though.) I don’t want anyone to think they’re idiots for staying. I’m being self deprecating.

        It’s more about not wanting to accept anything other than what he was telling me, (of course that meant ignoring the contradicting actions) , which really does add up to a trauma bond.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Right on, Carrie! Mine did things a bit differently, but with the same results. Like you have said previously, they study us and know exactly where to stick the knife to hurt us the most.

    I started trying to get help and not keeping secrets from our families a long time ago. After I left, he told me that he never talked to anyone else about me the way I had talked about him. Well, of course not! First, I wasn’t doing the stuff he was doing, so he could not have said any of that. Lying would not have served him well with people we knew, because anyone who had observed us together had already come to their own conclusions, so talking about me in a negative way behind my back would have made him look bad and flown in the face of the good family man image he wanted to project. So of course he never did that.

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    • Marylee, James never bad mouthed me to his family or our friends because as will you, they never would have believed him. When we split he took on all her friends and he told her I was a psycho bitch; I am sure all her friends and family felt so sorry for him and of course he was SO appreciative of how calm and rational she was and he undoubtedly told her that her special love saved him. Gag me!! I am sure they are wondering now just how psycho i was because his true colors have come out.
      He tried slandering me on the net and making anonymous complaints against me, but none of it worked because I just am not the person he professed me to be. I was lucky I didn’t have to fight him for custody of children like some victims do, that must be hell.
      But for the most part, if the victim lives true to their core beliefs and just carries on as usual, the narcissists lies and accusations are never taken seriously because they don’t make sense.
      Of course there are always going to the a few people who believe and side with the N but they were never friends in the first place.
      Their true colors always end up showing through eventually.

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  3. I am sat here at work today, my new job. Been here 1 month, well paid, high profile, 8 staff who all want my direction and my attention. I don’t have it, I am doubting my ability and my concentration is lacking. I am a confident 44 year old attractive woman who has 2 degrees, highly intelligent and not unattractive. Can you all please help me? I am reaching out and talking about this, typing this as I don’t know what else to do. Last night for the first time I felt that I had no other option but to take my own life, today I am stronger, today I decided that no contact is the only way I can move myself forward.
    I didn’t want to take my life because my partner has left, I wanted to take my life because I actually realised that all I gave, all he took, all he demanded still meant I mean nothing to him.
    I will start my story from the beginning and please, can someone tell me if this is narcissistic abuse or I have been plain stupid and love sick. Maybe a bit of both, I even thought that I was the narcissist for a short period of time.
    This man has never been my lover – never!!! He blames me for him not taking a lover in the last 2.5 years though. Afraid of my reaction he says! But in every way other than sex we were a couple – how stupid have I been?
    For 2, nearly 3 years this man has been in my life. He called me every single day, we lived in different countries so he would skype me, often 2 or 3 times a day 1 or 2 hours a day. He would shower me with attention and affection. Send me love songs he sang, links to songs, we chatted via email or text message constantly.
    Then we lived in the same country and the phone calls started to be more regular and we would see each other twice a week. Dinner, drinks, walk in the park, walk and lunch. Swap books, chat discuss problems we had it all.
    I told him I had feelings, he said goodbye. He came back, I did not go back to him.
    I told him I could not be this person, treated as a partner and nothing else – he told me I was delusional, we were no more than friends but he came back to me again and again and again.
    He has not dated in all this time, he blames me and told me that I was delusional in my feelings for him.
    This weekend I have been on my knees in a world of pain. Emotional pain like I have never felt. I have tried to walk away from him. Stop contact, the abuse I get is revolting and he makes me cry time and time again.
    However, my birthday I ask him if he would like to do something, he said no, I was hurt he then told me I was twisted, sick and bitter he hurled abuse at me. Told me that as I had kicked up a stink I should sit alone on my birthday and think about what I have done.
    He punishes me when I don’t do what he wants
    He refuses to allow me to meet friends and family but I am the most important person to him as he calls me every day.
    He won’t travel with me because it is inappropriate
    He has never tried to have sex with me. I am not unattractive, we used to get on and he used to hunt me down to talk to me.
    But now, after this weekend I have to try no contact.
    I am convinced he is a narcissist. He thinks everyone fancies him, he things he is a catch, he thinks that he is the best at everything and better than everyone.
    He abuses me if I kick up a stink or point out how badly he has treated me. He hurls abuse at me constantly when he doesn’t get his own way.
    I hung in there for so long because he gave signs of someone that was hiding or struggling with emotions. I actually thought that he loved me in his own way.
    But obviously he doesn’t even find me attractive although I admit to you that he has never put me down physically he does put others down that we see out and about.
    If he cannot get me on the phone he will try 3 or 4 times, then email, then text.
    He I am not doing what he wants he will abuse and punish
    Am I delusional, is he a narcissist? He has no friends, just 1 male friend but makes it sound like he is Mr Popular.
    When he is nice, he is so sweet and kind, this is around 80-percent of the time, but if I ask, if I request, if I want anything for me then he abuses and accuses.
    Please help me recover, I am beside myself.

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    • Scared, take a moment and reread what you typed with the eyes of a stranger, or a friend; just not your own. Would you take this treatment from anyone else? a “friend”, do the people in your life treat you this way? Whether it is sexual or just platonic; who needs this in their life? Whether he is a narcissist or not does not matter, ask yourself if this is what you need in your life? Do you need love so badly that you will accept this kind of “love”. It doesn’t sound like any definition of love I have ever read or heard of.
      I do suspect he is a narcissist but it really is a mute point , the main thing that strikes me is; Is he good for you or is he toxic? If he thinks so little of you that he would lash out at you like that, why is he with you at all? and why do you tolerate it?
      For narcissists it is all about power and control, not sex (although many times they use sex to hook their target they really hate the intimacy and eventually pull away and sex becomes a mechanical “release” and nothing more). A narcissist gets satisfaction, enjoyment from bringing a strong woman down, destroying people’s lives, making someone doubt themselves; they get high off of it, they feel all powerful and superior.
      You don’t know what he is doing when he is out of your company but I would be willing to bet he has other women on the hook and he uses you to get his verification that he is powerful and in control.
      The only thing that is going to happen if you continue to see him is you will get weaker and he will get more and more abusive. Because like any addiction he is going to need more control, he is going to have to hurt you deeper, eventually he will destroy everything good in your life and then he will toss you aside because you will be useless to him and he will find someone else to destroy.
      You must go no contact, do not explain why you will not be talking to him or seeing him; just block him on everything and do not check FB or read his text messages, take his calls or read his emails. Cut him out of your life totally, immediately and start to heal.
      Come in here and educate yourself on narcissists so you know what you are dealing with and then start working on yourself and building yourself back up. It takes time, but you have to figure out why you have allowed him to treat you this way, what lies have you been told about yourself, that made you think you deserved to be abused like this.
      You will never heal as long as you have contact with him in any way because he will take any opportunity he can get to bring you back down and you will never get closure from him. He will blame you and never admit what he is doing. If you cut him off he may come crying to you and admit fault but it will be short term, just long enough to pull you back in so he can reject and abuse you again and worse.
      The victim gets addicted to the approval of the narcissist. No one likes to be rejected or criticized and at first they think we are wonderful, they can’t get enough of us, we feel so special, so alive, so totally accepted for who we are, we end up craving that feeling and we try everything we can to get him to feel that way about us again, win his approval back. It will never happen. It is a drive within us that is almost impossible to control, it is human nature to want to be wanted and liked, but you have to fight that need and once you are away from him long enough you will wonder why you allowed it to go on so long and what was it about him that drove you to such despair.
      No one can give or take away your value. You want him to be a narcissist so you have a good reason to cut him from your life, but the best reason to eliminate him is because he brings you down and makes you question yourself, he causes you pain, Friends don’t do that, enemies do.
      Hugs

      Liked by 3 people

  4. My recent narcs were “friends,” not lovers, but they pulled the same thing, trying to make me feel like *I* was wrong/crazy/stalkerish/too sensitive. When my husband and I finally had enough, we broke things off, but I was traumatized and had to write about it.

    And when they discovered I’d been writing on my blog about the things they did, they said they “had a good laugh” and that they both consider me to be “not all there.” One of my blogs said I would have to go to my priest for mediation if they ever started coming to my church, so they now threatened to sue me for defamation if I did that.

    Hm….So if my blog is so funny and I’m just cracked, then why are you so scared for me to tell my priest what’s been going on? Did you realize you couldn’t manipulate him?

    Funny thing: I *did* tell my priest what was going on, and that was three years ago. No lawsuit. They also haven’t been to my church in 2 and a half years. I guess they really were scared of this stuff seeing the light of day, after all. Maybe they realized that they couldn’t defend to my priest that they abused their kids, couldn’t take me to court without their criminal and CPS records being laid bare… (The guy was convicted of choking one of his kids, and a mutual friend told me their kids got taken away in another state once.)

    So yeah, it is a lot of bluster and intimidation because they know how their crap is going to look to others. Meanwhile, my blog tells everything that happened, even the parts where I may have acted less than stellar myself. 😛

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