Rather Interesting Observation of Victim’s Slow Acceptance

broken merry go round

I check my stats daily, usually at the end of the day, and it shows me my blog activity, (this is where I can see IP #’s and cities etc. It doesn’t give me any names or exact locations, I have to do some detective work to figure all that out; but it does give me the city, how many times that IP number visited and what pages they visited. Most larger cities of course could quite feasibly have several people from that city visit the blog in a day but a small town is not likely to have more than one person at a time coming to my blog.

I will notice all of a sudden a city, has one hit after another on my blog, some body from a city has visited a dozen or more times in a day. It will go like that for several days, 2-3 or more sometimes, you can tell they are reading everything they can get their eyes on, sitting on the computer well into the wee hours of the morning, sleep for a few hours and they are right back at it the next day. I can envision the victim, for the first time finding answers as to why her partner acts the way he does, astonished that this is a condition, a personality disorder and she is NOT to blame.

I used to do the exact same thing. I had heard of narcissists long before I ever left JC. I used to get rejected by him, be heart broken and go running to Google how he treated me. It would always come up with Domestic Abuse. I would think, I am not interested in domestic abuse, I want to know what is going on with James. And then I found a site that talked about narcissists and I read the list of traits (there wasn’t much on them 13 years ago) and think yeah, well, he does have a lot of the traits but he would never be unfaithful, or he would never sabotage me or slander me, we are different then these couples, he really loves me, I am special, these other women don’t understand because they have never been in love like James and I are. No one could love someone as much as I love James.

After a particularly bad fight where he said really awful things and told me it was over and stormed out I was totally broken hearted, we went several days not talking and I sat there devouring all the information I was reading, printing it off, highlighting the parts that applied to us and validating myself. I would feel so much stronger, I knew the truth and NOW I could walk away. I would be determined to be strong this time if he ever showed up again, which I thought was unlikely seeing the way he stormed off and isn’t answering my calls. I would buoy myself up, I would be sure he was a narcissist and then……….. he would show up somewhere or call and sound so loving, so sad, saying he missed me, or ask if we could talk, I would pretend that my heart wasn’t racing and my stomach was sick with butterflies but I wasn’t fooling anyone; I was so happy he called. I would try to be distant and cool, but he would touch my hand, say a few choice words he knew I longed to hear, stare into my eyes and whisper he loved me and call me Babe and I would feel my resolve melt away. I was putty in his hands.

Until the next time, and there always was a next time. I would be back on the net looking for answers, I would devour all the info I could find; talking to the computer screen, “yeah! that’s what he did to me!” “Now it all makes sense” , “I am done with him this time.” “Now I have the answers I will never go back.” I would talk to a friend or my mother, show them what I had found and be so excited to finally have answers, tell them, that is it, I am done, I will never see his narcissistic ass again; until he called.

It went that way for years. Maybe once every year or two I would end up on the net validating myself and feeling in control and strong for a few days but when he called it all went out the window.

I see it from other victims now, two or three days they are devouring my blog, and then he calls or shows up at the door and her resolve goes right out the window and she forgets all about all the signs he is a narcissist. Back on the roller coaster she goes for another ride around hell’s half acre until he discards her again and then out of total despair she will go searching the net. Round and round  we go, when will it stop? nobody knows.

31 thoughts on “Rather Interesting Observation of Victim’s Slow Acceptance

  1. andrea from raising peanut

    It’s so true, exactly what you described. I did that for many times, however, believe it or NOT, I never came across a blog about narcissism. Perhaps I googled the wrong search terms. I had always FELT I was being abused. Immediately so actually. I went and did a ton of research on abuse. GUESS WHAT? NARCISSISM, PSYCHOPATHY AND SOCIOPATHY NEVER CAME UP, NOT ONCE. And I’d go away feeling defeated. For I KNEW he was TOO SMART to be verbally abusive. I think he called me a fucking bitch only once (which is one time too many) but it was years into our relationship and I was so hooked by then I wasn’t going to let one little name calling get in the way of our “love”. Sick, huh? I am so sad that non of these disorders came up. None of them. Of course, he would not be physically abusive either altho I don’t doubt it could have come to that had I let it. There was this one time…

    Anyway, I am also writing to let you know that I visit your blog on occasion. I do got thru several post. Then I go off and read other blogs or post on forums for a few months. Then I come back here to see how Carrie and her readers are doing. So… not all of your once-in-a-while visitors are as you described, altho that’s not really the point of your post. I get it. Jus thought I’d share that for you.

    Lastly, Just want to let you know that sometimes I click on one of your ads and the ad page loads an error. And too, sometimes I comment and lose my comment too. It’s just on your blog. 😦 I usually select all and copy the comment now before submitting. Not sure if there’s anything you can do about that.

    Thanks again Carrie. I have learned so much from you. It’s been 10 months since discard. I am no where NEAR over him. I miss him daily. I cannot get my head wrapped around this yet. I think I might start my own blog, for myself mainly, to track my recovery. I am on instagram now and in just one month have 400 followers! I post only information about narcissism and sociopaths. (Recovery stuf). @i.once.was.lost. I’ve even quoted you! I always credit the source. x o x o x o


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Andrea, thank you for your kind comment and I am so glad to hear I have been of some help, or the blog has. As for the ads not downloading correctly, I think I know why, they informed me that this style of blog is not conducive to Wordads. I just haven’t been able to find the time to switch to a different theme. I must do that, now that I know what happens. I doubt that has anything to do with you losing comments though. I don’t know what to say about that, no one else has mentioned anything but I will be switching themes and maybe that will solve the problem. Thanks for letting me know.
      400 followers on Instagram! wow good for you! and just in one month! Thank you for the quote and credit! much appreciated. I tried instagram and just could not get into it. Too many things on the go, I can only handle so much social media before I get overwhelmed. I have never gotten the hang of twitter but use it to post my posts from here, same as Google+, can’t figure that out to save my life. Facebook still confuses me. LOL I am not techie in the least.
      Be patient with yourself and the healing process, you sound so much better than the last time we talked, you may not feel you are progressing much but that is because you are living it everyday. I can tell by the tone of your comment you have come a long way. The beginning is the toughest, the coming to accept reality, after that it is a slow and steady journey with little stumbles along the way. I was reading old posts for my book and reading some of the posts from when I was only 6 months out of the relationship. Wow, I was so broken and thought I would never be happy again. But it has been over 4 years now. My how time flies when your heart has been broken, yet at the time everyday was an eternity.
      Good to see you!!


  2. jappy531

    Oh that would be me, Carrie. I come in here searching the answers and getting reinforcement courage, put on my big girl panties and ready…..then he pulls the carpet right from under me. Rearranged the truth, lies lies and more lies. Means nothing if I show him what he wrote (texting). I can ask the same thing 100 times and he will go off topic into our heavenly engagement year and reminisce the loving details. (and I am called a bitch if I don’t appreciate his stories of our love at that moment… and cries over how I am degrading him). He could do this for hours at a time. As long as I answer, he is happy.

    One would think he’d put some of this energy into what happens when he gets his license taken away after his dui court date. But I think he is working me as part of his solution if he can’t drive to work. “I’m killing him, I’m heartless, I deserted him, I owe him.” And had I been there, he would never have gotten a dui.

    Blocking doesn’t work, there are all sorts of ways thru computer phone numbers, etc. Thank goodness he is in another state.


    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Jappy, you are preaching to the choir as they say. I went through it for 10 years. I would say, “This is it! this time it is over.” and somehow, someway he would worm his way back into my life. yes I can hear it all now, how it was all your fault for his dui and how if you aren’t there to save his ass it will be your fault if he drives and gets caught or loses his job because he can’t drive.
      6 months after James and I split I was still insuring his vehicle in my name for him because he had such a bad driving record and his driver’s license was expired. He had an Alberta license and was told me he was moving to Alberta, “next week” for 3 months right up to the day he moved in with another woman. I told him at that point to put it in her name and get her to insure it for him. Well I was just a horrible person and he refused. Long story short the insurance ran out, he was still driving it, my hands were tied, I would be on the hook for any damages if he had an accident, it would have destroyed what little of my life I had left. Because of all my calls and inquiries about getting my name off that car they investigated him and he got fired from his job driving semi, because he didn’t have a valid license, he lost his Alberta license because he had lied about where he was living and he had to pay $20,000 in fines before he could get his license back. (she gave him the money for his fines) I know that is why he tried to get me fired I know it.
      All I wanted was my name off the vehicle he was driving illegally but it was all my fault. He was the one who had the accidents, who lied to everyone and was driving without a license but it was all my fault, I was a vindictive bitch. I don’t know what kind of lies he told the new woman that would have explained all that and made him sound innocent but she gave him the money.
      I hope you can break free soon, life is so much better without them in it. truly.


      1. jappy531

        It’s word for word, just what you describe. Even knowing that you are being royally screwed over, it’s so hard to break away. Just look at the money you’ve wasted on J and never a single word of appreciation. Yet, I’ll bet he never quit reminding you how much you owe him for every time he worked on your truck. Thank goodness I was feeling the failure from the start of the marriage. I chose not to have my name on anything aside from the house.
        I sold my house for 60 cents on the dollar to get out from charging the mortgage payments and be in NJ with him….Gave away my share of the business to my partner, for peanuts. None of that counts because I was a lazy worthless woman when I moved in with him and could not provide the funds he expected. Before my surgery for the aneurysm the anesthesiaologist stood there so I could have some moments just in case and all I saw was anger because I taped a photo of my son to my arm. When I woke up, anger because I didn’t acknowledge him first.
        The worst day of his life was when I left to get medical help here in Florida. Shouldn’t the worst day have been the day the neurologist told him I had a month to live? He is unable to understand the logic in that.
        I have had the strength to never return there and divorce him, but nothing has changed. I tried blocking him and he just uses another number or blocks his number. The phone, texting is the weapons. So I come here for answers to the problem of the day. You are so right, the advice helps until the next drama.
        My few friends cannot understand because they think with down to earth logic. They don’t understand that if the devil came up to you he would appear to as a gift from heaven, the one you have always hoped for. When he reveals his face, you can’t accept it. Disbelief….I am in love with the fantasy I met before marriage and can’t let that go. My devil can’t retell a story with any truth but he knows every detail of the courtship, down to the day by day play.
        All he wants is to make me feel responsible so I give him a place to live if the outcome of his DUI is not good. If he loses his job, house and everything (which is terrible) he cannot not face the reality of that outcome to his fellow alcoholic friends where he lives. He will be one of them.
        If it were me this was happening to, I would be looking for a roommate with a clean license. Free rent in exchange for that drive to work….


  3. Carrie Reimer Post author

    I kinda chuckled with all the people saying, “That would be me”, the thing is, we all kept coming back looking for answers and that is what counts. We knew something was wrong and we didn’t stop until we found answers. Some people like me are slow learners, but once we finally get it and make the decision we mean it. As long as at some point we do realize we can survive without the narc, that is all the counts.



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