I check my stats daily, usually at the end of the day, and it shows me my blog activity, (this is where I can see IP #’s and cities etc. It doesn’t give me any names or exact locations, I have to do some detective work to figure all that out; but it does give me the city, how many times that IP number visited and what pages they visited. Most larger cities of course could quite feasibly have several people from that city visit the blog in a day but a small town is not likely to have more than one person at a time coming to my blog.
I will notice all of a sudden a city, has one hit after another on my blog, some body from a city has visited a dozen or more times in a day. It will go like that for several days, 2-3 or more sometimes, you can tell they are reading everything they can get their eyes on, sitting on the computer well into the wee hours of the morning, sleep for a few hours and they are right back at it the next day. I can envision the victim, for the first time finding answers as to why her partner acts the way he does, astonished that this is a condition, a personality disorder and she is NOT to blame.
I used to do the exact same thing. I had heard of narcissists long before I ever left JC. I used to get rejected by him, be heart broken and go running to Google how he treated me. It would always come up with Domestic Abuse. I would think, I am not interested in domestic abuse, I want to know what is going on with James. And then I found a site that talked about narcissists and I read the list of traits (there wasn’t much on them 13 years ago) and think yeah, well, he does have a lot of the traits but he would never be unfaithful, or he would never sabotage me or slander me, we are different then these couples, he really loves me, I am special, these other women don’t understand because they have never been in love like James and I are. No one could love someone as much as I love James.
After a particularly bad fight where he said really awful things and told me it was over and stormed out I was totally broken hearted, we went several days not talking and I sat there devouring all the information I was reading, printing it off, highlighting the parts that applied to us and validating myself. I would feel so much stronger, I knew the truth and NOW I could walk away. I would be determined to be strong this time if he ever showed up again, which I thought was unlikely seeing the way he stormed off and isn’t answering my calls. I would buoy myself up, I would be sure he was a narcissist and then……….. he would show up somewhere or call and sound so loving, so sad, saying he missed me, or ask if we could talk, I would pretend that my heart wasn’t racing and my stomach was sick with butterflies but I wasn’t fooling anyone; I was so happy he called. I would try to be distant and cool, but he would touch my hand, say a few choice words he knew I longed to hear, stare into my eyes and whisper he loved me and call me Babe and I would feel my resolve melt away. I was putty in his hands.
Until the next time, and there always was a next time. I would be back on the net looking for answers, I would devour all the info I could find; talking to the computer screen, “yeah! that’s what he did to me!” “Now it all makes sense” , “I am done with him this time.” “Now I have the answers I will never go back.” I would talk to a friend or my mother, show them what I had found and be so excited to finally have answers, tell them, that is it, I am done, I will never see his narcissistic ass again; until he called.
It went that way for years. Maybe once every year or two I would end up on the net validating myself and feeling in control and strong for a few days but when he called it all went out the window.
I see it from other victims now, two or three days they are devouring my blog, and then he calls or shows up at the door and her resolve goes right out the window and she forgets all about all the signs he is a narcissist. Back on the roller coaster she goes for another ride around hell’s half acre until he discards her again and then out of total despair she will go searching the net. Round and round we go, when will it stop? nobody knows.