Women Like A$$holes – That’s Why They Pick Narcissists

I had a man comment on the site today saying he had been abused by a female narcissist and why don’t we talk about the REAL dangerous people like female narcissists; who leave a man bankrupt and living in poverty. He went on to say that women can have their pick of any guy but they choose the assholes and then cry foul.

I held my tongue extremely well I think but it did get me thinking that it is probably a common belief that women choose these men on purpose; the old “women go for the bad guy” theory. I think, especially with younger women it may be true, I know it was for me; women can be attracted to the rogue man who treats them like shit, never calls, stands them up, cheats on them, is afraid of commitment, has a string of women clambering to get to him. Some women meet these men and think they can change them. These guys rarely pretend to be anything but what they are, they don’t have to; they get women because of the way they are. You never hear of them romancing a woman or sweeping her off her feet with declarations of undying love, they make it pretty clear right from the start that they are there for a good time not a long time. The women really only have themselves to blame if they get hurt.

red flags1

I have had women visit the site who I have told straight up, “you weren’t dating a narcissist, you were trying to change a player” They got with a married man and are upset he won’t leave his wife, they had sex with the guy from work who never made any promises further than a roll in the hay and they fell in love and now want to call him a narcissist; sorry, I don’t ride that train of thought and I don’t believe it is fair to label a guy a narcissist just because he didn’t fall in love with you. I don’t consider every man who leaves a relationship a narcissist, even every man who cheats on his wife. I don’t believe that every marriage is doomed after an affair; I think most of them are, but it depends on how sincere the cheater is about proving he can be trusted.

I told James many times, “There is no crime in falling out of love with someone, that is not what I am talking about. It is a crime to not love someone yet say you do, and demand they change and if they try harder the relationship can be saved. THAT is wrong.To tell a person that they are paranoid, that you still love them while you are looking for their replacement is wrong. To not love someone but prevent them from leaving is wrong”

dating tips for women

A narcissist man doesn’t read “dating tips for men” he reads, “dating tips for women” to see what red flags not to show and what kind of man women are looking for when they are looking for a “good guy”. He doesn’t want to appear to be a player.

I did not pick an asshole. A narcissist doesn’t act like an asshole when you meet him. When I met James and he was falling in love after a few dates and demanding of my time I was ready to dump him; I hate clingy guys, but I didn’t want to date a bad boy. I was at an age where I was ready for a nice guy, someone who spoiled me a bit, someone who I knew I could trust, someone who communicated his feelings openly. When I got a feeling in my gut at times, I told myself that I wasn’t used to a guy being so open and honest about his feelings. I thought that it would take time to get used to a guy who wasn’t afraid of the L word and that it was refreshing to not have to worry about whether he was going to call. He always called when he said he would, if he was late, even if only 5 minutes; he called. A man who appreciated when I cooked him dinner, and took me to meet his family within a few weeks of meeting me, a man who cried when he told me he had never loved a woman like he loved me. There was a little niggling in my stomach when he cried but I told myself to be thankful he can express his emotions so openly. I actually was afraid I might hurt HIM, that he loved me more than I loved him and it made me nervous. The last thing I wanted to do was lead him on, he seemed so naive, here he was laying his heart on the line, I told myself that all I could do was be honest and see where it lead.

Well, with time he won me over, he was so consistent, so honest, so loving, yet exciting and fun to be with. I had to admit I loved spending time with him, so I made sure to make it clear that I needed my alone time but still loved him very much. He seemed to understand.

His true colors showed the day after we moved in together; by that time I wasn’t going to turn around and move out right away, I had gotten rid of my furniture (because he had said, “Oh Babe, let’s start fresh you and I. I am going to be making good money, we will buy stuff we pick out together.”) I had never seen him get angry about anything, he had never raised his voice, if I was upset about something he knew exactly what to do to calm me down, we had gotten along so well I couldn’t imagine anything ever coming between us; it was mutual love, respect and admiration and I for one was not going to let it slip through my fingers. I had had enough relationships end for various reasons and I learned and grew from each one, I knew a good thing when I saw it, I was no fool. And he was the proverbial “good guy” who had never been appreciated and had been used and abused by all the women he had dated and he was ready for a woman who wasn’t into games and valued a good man. He needed someone who believed in him.

The guy mentioned that women are on Plenty of Fish looking for assholes, they pass up all the good guys and go for the guys who are obviously narcissists. I beg to differ. I agree there are a lot of losers on Plenty of Fish, they are the guys that make the narcissist look good. I have had the messages, “Hey Baby, wanna fuk” or “Hey Gorgeous, wanna sit on my face?” or sent me a pic of their penis; or the the one’s who still live with their mom and are between jobs, and there are some women who will start an on-line relationship with a guy in prison. If a woman takes up with these guys, she has a problem and you have to say, “What was she thinking?” But I highly doubt that the women who come in here are any of those women.

The women did not pick the narcissist; 95% of the time the narcissist picked them and worked at winning them over. The women who get sucked in by a narcissist are intelligent, self sufficient, attractive, caring women who fell in love with a sham and had they known the truth about the narcissist they never would have given the guy a second look.

I was listening to a radio show the other day where the woman was talking about “Is it Lust or Love”, here are some of her ways to tell;

– Does he call just to talk? If you can spend hours on the phone discussing every aspect of your life, it is love. If it is just lust a guy doesn’t care about your favorite color, your childhood, or how much you love puppies.

– Does he have an endearing name for you? If it is lust the guy doesn’t want to give the impression there is more to it than sex.

– Does he talk in terms of “we”. If it is lust he will use “I” statements because he is not thinking of you as a couple.

– Does he include you when he talks about the future? A guy in lust is not thinking past having sex tonight, where as a guy in love is thinking about the future with you there to share it with him.

– Does he take you to meet his family and friends? If it is just lust the guy doesn’t want you meeting the important people in his life.

When I started dating James I mentally went down the “Red Flag List” and there were none of the red flags they tell you to look for, he did everything “they” say a good guy does and none of the stuff they say to watch out for.

What about you? Were you looking for an asshole?

9 thoughts on “Women Like A$$holes – That’s Why They Pick Narcissists

  1. safirefalcon

    Yeah that list doesn’t really work. Not in my experience anyway. And apparently not in yours either. Even some narcs can get caught up in the soup of endorphins during the early days, weeks, months.

    Just probably not for the same reasons.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Only Me

    Yes, I’ve heard that old saw as well. Like your James, my ex seemed like such a good man, kind, sensitive, wouldn’t harm a fly type. Called when he said he would, kind, loving, generous, easy to get along with etc. But even early on, there were red flags, if I’d only recognized them…such as linking my first name with his last, “we were meant to be together”, quick to rush me into a relationship, talking about marrying, moving in together, open with his feelings, things very INTENSE which I mistake for intimacy, seeming to be the total package with a whirlwind courtship and pressing me for an early commitment. I was also a lonely woman, trusting and vulnerable.

    I’ve gotta admit, I’ve gotten very skittish! My narc radar is on full beam. I pay attention now to a man’s actions, and not his words! I see or feel anything about of the ordinary, I cut it off quickly and don’t look back. No longer do I trust dating sites. I read about one site that was supposedly better than the rest, with more reliable matches..on impulse I joined..I didn’t even bother to fill out the questionnaires, or even write a profile of myself. I wasn’t looking to go “live” so quick.

    I just posted my photo, profile name, and age. The next thing I knew, I was being inundated with replies from men! I was getting a bad sensation in my gut! I felt like meat on the table, and they were looking for someone to feast on! I wanted to run! My membership lasted a grand total of one day and I promptly deleted my account!

    Yes, I do listen to my gut now, and I pay attention to a man’s behavior. NO, I definitely DO NOT want any more BAD BOYS! Nope! Not me! I look for the man behind the curtain now! The bad boys like to rush you along! That sets my radar zinging off the charts! Other women are welcome to the bad boys out there! Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. lost

    I remember this well. years ago, I was dating, just meeting others, casual. i had no “type” met this one guy at a central park for a picnic (not my favourite idea, but didn’t want rule anything out) told me he worked in the “social” field and often worked with police. clean cut, well dressed, polite,mannerly, arrived on time, took the lead, etc. stand up guy right? i was trying to remain open, and not limit myself to any “type”. there were many places to sit to eat, and i didn’t feel comfortable sitting right near him right away, but still close enough to talk with him of course. he was telling me how his work with some kids had helped him learn to respect boundaries more…yet he scoffed at where i chose to sit, and remarked that i was too far away. he asked me to share a few personal things through his questioning, which i did, but nothing i didn’t feel comfortable with. he went on to tell me what a nice guy he was and asked me why women pick the bad guys and how much this was an insult to him. he was full of himself. i tried to explain to him my own experience with this, and how i wasn’t looking for a bad guy. i remained open and honest , but his mind could not be changed. the date ended, and was courteous, even at the end. at least with words. he emailed me later to say that because of the few experiences i had shared with him about my life, the ones he asked me about…that i wouldn’t “fit” into his world. basically saying i wasn’t good enough /tainted, and because of his job, would make him look bad. my point is, narcissists, bad guys, etc, come in all shapes and forms, the guy in the suit, the most well respected man….could be the worst to be partnered with. myself, i would never pick the stereo typical bad guy, knowing full well. my ex was not like that. there were no obvious clues or signs. i did not rush in. i was careful…its just that they are out there…so many different sheep costumes these days lol and one of the saddest things about it is that we are too often blamed for it ie: why didn’t you see the signs? why did you choose this person? why didn’t you know? what is wrong with you? when…..really, there is nothing wrong with you per se, its just that these “bad guys” are good at what they do. i think it is part of the reason we blame ourselves when the truth comes out, because everyone else blames us. it is important to remember that a car can come out of the blue and hit you, and it is not your fault…..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jen

    This is a great post, Carrie! You are so right! I looked for all of those red flags that you mentioned. In fact, I held back so much in the beginning, “testing” him. Would he introduce me to his family, could he talk about the future with me, could he talk to me for hours on the phone, seemingly enjoying talking about lots of life things? The thing is that, yes, he did, and as you said, this is how he won me over. I trusted the things they tell us to look for and it was a sham the whole time! The big thing, of course, was my kids. In the beginning, he didn’t want to “rush to meet them” because he wanted to do what was right for them. He knew what to say to make me feel like he was a good, safe person. And regardless of the red flags that showed up later, he always had equally good excuses for those actions and behaviors, excuses that played on the compassionate, kind, loving part of me. Being a single mother of 3, I most certainly wasn’t looking for someone who didn’t want to settle down and be a “family man” and the last thing I wanted or needed was a “bad boy”.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. czbz

    Great post, Carrie! You’ve written my story and thank you very much! ha! I am sick to death of reading about women picking “bad boys”. This idea has spread throughout the media and people seem to WANT to believe it. I think it’s a way to Blame the Victim and then we aren’t responsible for what happens to her. In other words, “you picked the bazturd; you asked for it.”

    As if someone like myself would pick a jerk who would leave me stranded in my fifties, cheat on me, criticize me, smear my reputation to justify his infidelity. Was I looking for a guy like that? Hell no. He was a good guy when we met and he treated me with more kindness and interest than any man before him. I set boundaries; he respected them. It was his ability to respect my boundaries that convinced me he was a “good guy.” With time, he eventually won me over, too.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Firehorse

    Great post Carrie!
    I was absolutely not looking for a bad boy or asshole. Instead was pursued by a self proclaimed nice guy who would even say to me…why do women always go for the bad boys and stomp on nice guys like me? Oh wait, is this also the same thing I caught him saying to another woman while I was broken hearted and he was proclaiming his undying devotion to me?
    People that have never been involved with a narcissist have no clue.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Kathy

    Omg! Carrie, yes, yes and YES, he ticked all those boxes, I thought I met my dream guy, he was abused by his exes, the last one even was hitting him…
    And I fell for all that,4 years on I knew who I was dealing with and he was not that guy at all.
    He was the guy that played mind games, gas lighted me, manipulated me,even was once physically abusive to me when I was looking after him recovering from an operation. Great thanks to get!
    The worst of all is that some of my friends don’t really believe me when I’m trying to say how he was, they think he wasn’t that bad, and that hurts a lot but I know they didn’t have to go through hell with him like I did so that’s ok…

    Liked by 1 person


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