I had a man comment on the site today saying he had been abused by a female narcissist and why don’t we talk about the REAL dangerous people like female narcissists; who leave a man bankrupt and living in poverty. He went on to say that women can have their pick of any guy but they choose the assholes and then cry foul.
I held my tongue extremely well I think but it did get me thinking that it is probably a common belief that women choose these men on purpose; the old “women go for the bad guy” theory. I think, especially with younger women it may be true, I know it was for me; women can be attracted to the rogue man who treats them like shit, never calls, stands them up, cheats on them, is afraid of commitment, has a string of women clambering to get to him. Some women meet these men and think they can change them. These guys rarely pretend to be anything but what they are, they don’t have to; they get women because of the way they are. You never hear of them romancing a woman or sweeping her off her feet with declarations of undying love, they make it pretty clear right from the start that they are there for a good time not a long time. The women really only have themselves to blame if they get hurt.
I have had women visit the site who I have told straight up, “you weren’t dating a narcissist, you were trying to change a player” They got with a married man and are upset he won’t leave his wife, they had sex with the guy from work who never made any promises further than a roll in the hay and they fell in love and now want to call him a narcissist; sorry, I don’t ride that train of thought and I don’t believe it is fair to label a guy a narcissist just because he didn’t fall in love with you. I don’t consider every man who leaves a relationship a narcissist, even every man who cheats on his wife. I don’t believe that every marriage is doomed after an affair; I think most of them are, but it depends on how sincere the cheater is about proving he can be trusted.
I told James many times, “There is no crime in falling out of love with someone, that is not what I am talking about. It is a crime to not love someone yet say you do, and demand they change and if they try harder the relationship can be saved. THAT is wrong.To tell a person that they are paranoid, that you still love them while you are looking for their replacement is wrong. To not love someone but prevent them from leaving is wrong”
I did not pick an asshole. A narcissist doesn’t act like an asshole when you meet him. When I met James and he was falling in love after a few dates and demanding of my time I was ready to dump him; I hate clingy guys, but I didn’t want to date a bad boy. I was at an age where I was ready for a nice guy, someone who spoiled me a bit, someone who I knew I could trust, someone who communicated his feelings openly. When I got a feeling in my gut at times, I told myself that I wasn’t used to a guy being so open and honest about his feelings. I thought that it would take time to get used to a guy who wasn’t afraid of the L word and that it was refreshing to not have to worry about whether he was going to call. He always called when he said he would, if he was late, even if only 5 minutes; he called. A man who appreciated when I cooked him dinner, and took me to meet his family within a few weeks of meeting me, a man who cried when he told me he had never loved a woman like he loved me. There was a little niggling in my stomach when he cried but I told myself to be thankful he can express his emotions so openly. I actually was afraid I might hurt HIM, that he loved me more than I loved him and it made me nervous. The last thing I wanted to do was lead him on, he seemed so naive, here he was laying his heart on the line, I told myself that all I could do was be honest and see where it lead.
Well, with time he won me over, he was so consistent, so honest, so loving, yet exciting and fun to be with. I had to admit I loved spending time with him, so I made sure to make it clear that I needed my alone time but still loved him very much. He seemed to understand.
His true colors showed the day after we moved in together; by that time I wasn’t going to turn around and move out right away, I had gotten rid of my furniture (because he had said, “Oh Babe, let’s start fresh you and I. I am going to be making good money, we will buy stuff we pick out together.”) I had never seen him get angry about anything, he had never raised his voice, if I was upset about something he knew exactly what to do to calm me down, we had gotten along so well I couldn’t imagine anything ever coming between us; it was mutual love, respect and admiration and I for one was not going to let it slip through my fingers. I had had enough relationships end for various reasons and I learned and grew from each one, I knew a good thing when I saw it, I was no fool. And he was the proverbial “good guy” who had never been appreciated and had been used and abused by all the women he had dated and he was ready for a woman who wasn’t into games and valued a good man. He needed someone who believed in him.
The guy mentioned that women are on Plenty of Fish looking for assholes, they pass up all the good guys and go for the guys who are obviously narcissists. I beg to differ. I agree there are a lot of losers on Plenty of Fish, they are the guys that make the narcissist look good. I have had the messages, “Hey Baby, wanna fuk” or “Hey Gorgeous, wanna sit on my face?” or sent me a pic of their penis; or the the one’s who still live with their mom and are between jobs, and there are some women who will start an on-line relationship with a guy in prison. If a woman takes up with these guys, she has a problem and you have to say, “What was she thinking?” But I highly doubt that the women who come in here are any of those women.
The women did not pick the narcissist; 95% of the time the narcissist picked them and worked at winning them over. The women who get sucked in by a narcissist are intelligent, self sufficient, attractive, caring women who fell in love with a sham and had they known the truth about the narcissist they never would have given the guy a second look.
I was listening to a radio show the other day where the woman was talking about “Is it Lust or Love”, here are some of her ways to tell;
– Does he call just to talk? If you can spend hours on the phone discussing every aspect of your life, it is love. If it is just lust a guy doesn’t care about your favorite color, your childhood, or how much you love puppies.
– Does he have an endearing name for you? If it is lust the guy doesn’t want to give the impression there is more to it than sex.
– Does he talk in terms of “we”. If it is lust he will use “I” statements because he is not thinking of you as a couple.
– Does he include you when he talks about the future? A guy in lust is not thinking past having sex tonight, where as a guy in love is thinking about the future with you there to share it with him.
– Does he take you to meet his family and friends? If it is just lust the guy doesn’t want you meeting the important people in his life.
When I started dating James I mentally went down the “Red Flag List” and there were none of the red flags they tell you to look for, he did everything “they” say a good guy does and none of the stuff they say to watch out for.
What about you? Were you looking for an asshole?