What Do I Do With His Stuff?

stuff

So many times a victim asks what they should do with the narcissist’s things, he has taken most of his stuff but there is a box of his things in the garage or basement that you don’t know what to do with. You have called him and asked him to pick it up, he says he will but weeks go by and he still doesn’t show up.

It was one of James’s favorite little tricks, leave his stuff so he has an excuse to come back at a later date. If you throw his stuff away he will be angry and accuse you of destroying his stuff because you are a vindictive bitch, but to hang onto his stuff leaves you in limbo, he is still controlling you, you don’t know when he will come for it. it prevents you from moving forward and that is exactly what he wants. If he has a slow week or night and needs some supply he knows he can always call on the pretense of getting his stuff. James would call, drop by, be all sweet and friendly, we would talk just like old times and 1/2 the time we would end up in bed and the relationship would be “on” again. But it never really was on again and I never knew if we were back together or what. Half the time he would act like my partner and 1/2 the time like he hated me.

James had stuff spread all over the countryside, years later he would expect to go pickup his stuff and be pissed if it wasn’t there. Even with the woman in Africa he left his guitar with her, it leaves the door open, it gives the woman hope and it makes it easy for the narcissist to make contact and keep his pride intact; if he doesn’t get the desired response, (her melting at his feet adoringly) he can say he was just there to get his stuff. The thing is, he probably won’t take it when he leaves, either you will end up in bed or having a fight either way the stuff gets left behind.

The best thing you can do with the narcissist’s things is to give them to someone he knows, nicely boxed up (so he can’t say you destroyed his stuff) no letter, no card, no text saying you gave it to his friend. Just a cardboard box with his things in it, nothing more, nothing less.

If you have a goodbye letter in the box he will have an opening to reply and blame you, whether it is loving or angry it doesn’t matter to the narcissist; you do not want to have any communication with him whatsoever! Make sure you pack up everything, even stuff you think is garbage, just make sure there is nothing left of his for him to use as an excuse to call.

I know you have been hoping he will use it as an excuse to call but believe me, you are much better off with it gone and not having contact. It is one of the first steps to healing. Remember, to the narcissist life is a game of strategy and control; nothing more. Every thing he does and says is done with an ulterior motive, don’t play the game with him, even anger is playing the game. He thrives on drama, your tears, your frustration, being able to elicit a response from you proves he is still in control of your emotions. Do not give him the satisfaction. By giving his stuff to a friend with no communication (not asking the friend how he is, nothing. Even better if you get s friend to take it to a friend, the more removed you are the better, the only reason I even suggest giving it back to him is because you will feel guilty if you throw it away or destroy it and he will play on that guilt. You do not need any reasons to feel guilty and consequently do something you will regret later.) you are saying without words that you are done with him, you have nothing left to say to him, you do not want him coming to get his stuff, you don’t want nor will you tolerate the drama.

Victims often want the chance to have the final word, you can have the final word by not saying a thing, with a narcissist, that is much more effective than any amount of words.

i

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18 thoughts on “What Do I Do With His Stuff?

  1. Great idea Carrie! So true about the narc leaving things behind and not picking them up. I tried for months to get a broken down truck out of my driveway. My neighbors thought I was nuts for being so nice to the ahole. Sure enough, as soon as I said I was having it towed he showed up pronto lol. I guess the question is – where do take the stuff when he has no friends? 😉 😛 lol

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    1. onmyway, to the nearest dumpster if you won’t feel guilty about it. you don’t want to have contact with them. If you can’t bring yourself to throw it away then if it is a lot of stuff I would send him notice that his stuff is in this location, he has until whatever time to get it or I will dispose of it. I would make the location not where I live and follow through if he doesn’t get it. i would not discuss it with him at all. If he responded to the notice I would not respond to him.
      I would keep copies of the notice and take picture of the stuff so i could prove to the police or courts if he tried to make trouble.
      hugs

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  2. I still have our photo albums. Sometimes I want to throw them away. Sometimes I want to send them to him. Today I changed the chairs I stil had in my house and they were from him. These ones I will throw away. But I haven’t made up my mind about the photo’s. Any suggestion??

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    1. Ellebelle, If you don’t want them then I would throw them away. If you can’t part with them then I would box them up and put them at the very back of your storage room or where ever you store stuff and forget about them. For sure I would not give them to him, he doesn’t care about them.
      Someday you might want to burn them in a celebration of your new life. or someday you might want to look at them to try and figure out why you ever loved him. no matter what it is a part of your life and maybe you would want to keep them just for that reason. But while you are healing you don’t need to look at them or have any reminders of better times or whatever so i would pack them up, tape the box well and put them far away.

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  3. I waited a year and a half for him to get the rest of his things…he knew it was there. It was taken up space in my tiny apt. Any mutual “friends” that we knew I cut out of my life, the same time I cut him out. His stuff was thrown in the dumpster. No remorse…no guilt what so ever. I had no reminder of him in my space. It was a freeing and healing moment.

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  4. carrie had to reply to both your posts today i have so much of his stuff here i must get it out of my place you reminded me today i have given some to charity he didnt notice might do the same with the rest dont want to see him what was funny today my daughter said a woman was throwing a mans clothes out of her window today i thought that was iironic they were strewn everywhere it was like a comedy it is hard to know what to do good luck xx

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    1. Kim, the sooner you get rid of it the better. it is one more thing that will hold you back from healing and moving on. I swear, he could show up 5 years from now and want his stuff. It is their last little way to control. I can remember trying to get him to pick up his shit and it dragged on and dragged, I would put it outside under the covered patio, he wouldn’t come, then I loved it to the gate, still he didn’t come, then down the driveway until finally it was all piled on the side of the road. Every time I moved it I sent him a text saying his shit was outside. Finally when it was on the side of the road it snowed. When I went out to go to work he was parked across the driveway with a look in his eyes that made me recoil but I held my ground. He went off about me throwing his stuff out in the weather and I told him to move his F’ing truck or I was going to drive right into him and I got in my truck. He moved. He thought I would feel guilty and to be honest I did feel a little guilty but I had given him lots of chances and he ignored them. He still tells people that I destroyed all his stuff and stole $10,000 worth of his tools etc. It doesn’t matter what you do, they tell their own story anyway. no matter what you do, he will tell everyone what a selfish bitch you are. He will never thank you for any kindness you show.
      Hugs

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  5. Great advice! I must admit, though, my first reaction to this was,”what? They don’t keep their stuff and everyone else’s stuff too?” My ex kept all my stuff….it’s been 2 years-I haven’t asked for anything back-just started over. After reading this, I wonder if he kept all my stuff, hoping that I would come back begging for my stuff….

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    1. Army of Angels, that is true also, my ex destroyed all my stuff, every time i left I left I left with nothing. I would rebuild and then he would beg me back and by the time we split again I would leave with nothing again. Like I have said many times, i was a really slow learner. your stuff has probably been “recycled” into “gifts” to some other woman. One time James gifted me my own ring back, minus the pearl that had been in it.

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      1. Oh my goodness….when the ex asked me to marry him, he gave me a choice of 2 rings that he already had…now that I have learned there were two other wives before me, I have no doubt (I suspected something was “off”, especially when he wouldn’t tell me where the rings came from)…. Anyway, I ended up buying my own ring-something just didn’t feel right. It is funny when the kids come home with some of my old pictures and things. Little AoA speaks up more now, so I can see her salvaging things she finds there. After 2 years, the only thing I really miss are the pictures of my children as infants….

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        1. The thing that really hurt the most that he took from me (and he took everything from my clothes to destroying my pictures of family etc) was just before we split he took my son’s baby teeth and the little gold booties my mom bought me when he was born. i had those little booties for 26 years and never took them off. The chain they were on broke so i put them in a little container on my key chain along with the teeth as a good luck charm. one day they were missing off my key chain. There was no way they would have fallen off on their own. i asked him about it and he acted like he didn’t know what i was talking about. I found the container in her music room when i was there getting the last of my stuff and asked him about it. He said his son must of stolen it off my key chain. His son was gone long before i even put them in the container. the fact that he tied to accuse his son was proof he had taken them.

          Some day his new woman will find the booties and ask about them and he will tell her some story about how they were given to him when he son was born and how he has always treasured them and she will think he is such a sensitive guy.

          Bastards

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  6. I left the sociopath and had to go back with my sister a month later to retrieve my things and my son’s things. The sociopath had out everything on his car port. As my sister and I loaded my things into the Uhaul while he watched us from inside, I noticed he had included gifts I had given to him among my things. I’m not certain what he thought I’d do…cry, beg him to keep the gifts? Well, I simply tossed them in his trash can sitting at the edge of his car port. (WTF. As if I loved him after what he did to my son. I still hadn’t grasped the extent of his abuse against me at that early phase.) As my sister and I were driving away, I get a text from him asking me what I wanted him to do with the mattress which he failed to put on the car port. I texted him back, “Burn it!” 🙂

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    1. Paula, good to see you! you did it right by going with your sister, no one should ever go alone. Whenever James and I split he would give me all the pictures he had taken of me. Whenever he gave me a bunch of pics of me I knew he was getting ready to dump me again. His attempt at hurting me, like saying he was wiping me totally from his life. Only I knew he had a photo album of every woman he had ever dated. like a trophy book, he used to take back any gifts he got me and give them to someone else. I think he only ever bought me 3 gifts but some other sucker has them now. Recycling narcissist style.
      Thanks for commenting.

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  7. The only things i kept were letters he duct taped to my door, cards, and this freaking spice rack he made me, that looked like a very poor high school shop project! .Plus a note written on a paper bag, saying please call me, NO FREAKING THANKS!

    I still have them, just in the event he starts his shit again! This man terrorized me after i told him it was over, never underestimate them! He had never become violent with me, but on Christmas eve, two years and a half years ago he threatened to knock my teeth down my f-in throat, New years…….i kicked him out he left! This is after picking another fight with me.

    Then then the blowing up my phone started, I blocking timed him, he used other peoples phones, blocked all those number also!
    Carrie its like they live in a time warp, No matter how long you are NC., they will rear their ugly heads!!!!

    My advice to anyone who still has their belongings is to drive or walk to the nearest dumpster toss the shit in!

    Walk the flock away and don’t look back!!!!

    Been out 2 years and five months, I’m so much better off without that useless a-hole user and abuser!

    Remember, you call the shots not not that piece of rubbish, so put the garbage were it belongs!!

    Take the trash out and put it where it belongs…..by the side of the curb!

    I will pray, for all of you here!

    Its difficult, but feel your are now free of all the pain he has given you!

    YOU DESERVE A WHOLE LOT BETTER THAN THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE!

    HUGS, KISS AND PAT ON THE BACK!

    ELLEN

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    1. Ellen, you go girl!! saying it like it is!! We always want to be so fair, we don’t want anyone to think badly of us but the turth of the matter is, it doesn’t matter how nice we are or what we do, they are going to lie anyway and say we were the worst bitch from hell. he certainly never worried about being fair or nice. And we allow further abuse by worrying about how they feel. When they don’t feel anyway.
      hugs

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      1. Same here, I m sure I am the Bitch from hell, no way! He is that bastard from hell! No way have i ever treated a person the way he treated me! I have a very close family, never lost touch with them! they are really close by, SO GLAD HE IS GONE!!!

        But if he rears his ugly head, i will deal with it in the appropriate manner!

        i am a Law Clerk to a Judge! i GUESS ITS REALLY Makes THEM FEEL GOOD TO TRY TO TAKE A WOMAN OUT WHO HAS HEr CRAP TOGETHER!

        Meanwhile he is living in his mother basement! lol Unemployed, doing nothing!

        Freedom nobody dictating policy or abusing me , thank God!

        Thanks so much for your reply, GOD BLESS!

        ELLEN

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