Thoughts About Men and Dating

I was walking Stella this morning at 5:30 am, trying to not dribble my coffee all over myself as she pulled on the leash because she saw Tobias her little (actually very LARGE friend a Mastiff something else huge hairy drooling male dog) and wanted to go say Hi.

Anyway, we walked to the end of the dyke and turned around, just as another friend of hers appeared for his morning walk, he is a black lab x and his daddy lives on a boat a few docks away from me.

I walked back to the end of the dyke so Stella could play and then we finally were walking home alone and I got thinking. I was thinking that if not for finances life is pretty damn good right now, I am enjoying my life immensely and it has a lot to do with the fact that i am surrounded by eligible, good looking, intelligent men who enjoy my company.

I think I have entered a new phase of my healing process, or maybe I am not healing any more and just reaching normal, my new normal.

I walked one way with one man and the other way with another, and there are several other guys i walk Stella with at different times. There is a group of them that gather at the communal picnic table at the bottom of the ramp, a very handsome french Canadian with a young daughter, I don’t want to get involved with someone with a young child (been there done that) but having a conversation with a good looking man feels good. Then I was down at my boat and another very nice looking man came down to my boat to see if I can sew and that is not my thing but we talked for about 15 or so minutes and I really enjoyed his company. Very nice man with a lot going for him, travels 1/2 the year to hot places and summers up here.

But there is one fellow, I will call him john, just in case he ever reads my blog or someone from the marina does, I think anyone would guess who I am talking about anyway but no point in embarrassing him. Anyway, since i have been here he has been in his sailboat living behind me. He is just a really nice guy, a gentleman, friendly without being invasive, helpful without being a know-it-all. He always gives me a hand, last night he packed my laundry down to the boat, well actually he also packed my groceries to the boat also. Every time he sees me working on the boat he insists on giving me something to help make the job easier, sand paper, polish for the chrome, etc. he always says hi and gives a wave. He loves Stella and always stops to say Hi to her and gave her a pack of tennis balls that she cherishes. She loves John.

He went sailing with his grandson for a week and left me the key to his storage container so I could use his freezer or store stuff in it. They got back a day early yesterday and a little to my surprise when I saw the boat round the corner, I was happy to see him home. Dare I say it out loud??

While I was doing laundry he come out of the shower and I said, “Are you following me?” and he came over and said, “I try to.” Just then the security guard came around the corner and i said, “Security guard arrest this man!!”

I am getting a bit of my “flirt” back. He has not asked me out and i don’t even know that i want him to, it is just really nice to have a gentleman pay attention to me and have male company. Take it slow and if nothing happens I am fine with that, but i feel i am testing the waters, gearing up to some day maybe having a date. he keeps saying he wants to take me out on his sailboat and that would be really nice.

i never thought i would find another man the least bit attractive but you know, the more i got to know James the uglier he got and now I remember how it felt to love him but I can’t imagine ever finding him attractive now.  This man, any one of the men I associate with now are miles above James, simply miles.

and so am I. Because I didn’t have to run out and find a man to love me to make me feel human, I healed myself and don’t need any man to make me feel whole. So sad when someone can’t be themselves for fear no one will like them.

Happy. I am going for a walk with Stella now.

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11 Replies to “Thoughts About Men and Dating”

  1. I did look on dating sites. For me it is 33 years ago to start dating again. I had some dates through a dating agency. They all lie about their age, length and weight. They all talk about themselves. Don’t ask any questions and want to go on holiday immediately. They talk about money and lost their charm. Maybe they loose it on their way in life. I don’t know. I am 62 and still good looking. I work on myself. I want to get something out of life, still.
    Maybe I am not whole already, but that doesn’t mean, I may not be a little critical on the dates I have. Is he kissable? No, then he is not going to be the one.
    Meeting men in real life is the best way to do. I think you moving to the boat is going to make your life whole again. Like I said, you should go on television, but you are already going to be on radio. I hope to hear the broadcast someday. X Elisabeth

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Carrie,

      Enjoy the company of those men at the Marina sound like a great bunch!

      Its probably refreshing to be around such guys after having a Turd like James in your life, wow I dont know how you ever made it, 10 years of his bullshit! I was in the relationship 2 years 7 months with my idiot! Thank God he is gone!

      It’s so nice I’m sure for you to be around men who are decent, not having a hidden agenda or ulterior motives.

      Your in charge now, and i’m sure will make better decisions on whom you allow in your life. I know I will be more aware and be able to spot these creeps like my XPSYCHO and Turd James!

      Have a great weekend, chiily here, your probably warmer than we are in Upstate NY!!!

      ENJOY! HUGS.

      Ellen

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sure there are many of us reading this post,. and smiling…thinking how wonderful for you! Maybe soon the financial considerations will improve as well! Tempting as it is to check out the dating sites, more out of curiosity than anything…in spite of knowing better, sometimes I do and it’s always been a mistake.

    As Ellebelle2015 indicated, they all seem focused on themselves, self-centered, don’t ask you any questions about your life, full of pity stories, full of lies etc. they seem most of the time to just be looking for sex and good times (Sounds kind of Narcissistic doesn’t it? LOL). So I end up feeling more leery and suspicious than ever! The dating sites ar a loser fest in the making.

    Indeed, I too have come to the conclusion it’s better to meet men in real life than on these sites. Now I’m focusing on my life, pursuing hobbies of interest. Yes, I too wish I had more money (electric bill seems to shoot up even more every month and is keeping me broke! ) The squeeze is on!

    Maybe it’s time to find a job (I’m retired) but my skills are almost non-existent at this point! I do meet men at my community garden beds. Alas! Most are already married, and just as focused on their plots. Nothing romantic there! Bah humbug! LOL.

    I’m leaving it all up to Providence now. If I ever meet someone, fine, if not, fine! My ex first love that I am friends with on Facebook is still there. Newly widowed last autumn after 40 years of marriage, does not appear ready to be involved with anyone, so while the potential is there, he clearly needs time to adjust. I’m not going to push. Only time will tell if it goes anywhere!

    The main benefit of being involved with my ex-psycho, is I learned to work on me, my failings, and weaknesses. I got an education from that horrible 17 month whatever it was I had with the psycho ex. I can now see these guys coming a mile off! I pay attention to red flags now, and it’s already saved me much heartache! I take crap from no man now and keep my feelings under control so I don’t fall the first creep to come along! It’s a process!

    Good luck to all going thru healing from these sick psychopathic relationships. Mine is like a surreal dream now, or rather old nightmare. Almost as if it never happened! Just know it gets better, and you will find your smile again! Cheers!

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  3. So happy for you, Carrie! I am not where you are in recovery, as I am barely making eye contact with men….but baby steps are still steps forward. I am so happy for you…how far you have come from a life of abuse to freedom and happiness<3

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  4. Haha, you are all so sweet and Lou, that is cute thank you.
    Well i have to say this is really a strange feeling, I am remembering back to before James and how this felt and I had to laugh at myself yesterday.
    The “dating dance” has begun and I have always hated it LOL. Yesterday he was washing his car and I had found a part for the boat that i have been looking for at a flea market and couldn’t wait to show him my great find. We were talking and he said he couldn’t help but over hear my brother say he was selling the boat. I replied yeah, I am not too happy about it. He said, he hoped it didn’t sell because he liked having me as a neighbor, really liked having me as a neighbor and he touched my arm and looked in my eyes. I got all school girly and said that while he was away there had been a huge empty spot behind my boat and i liked having him as a neighbor also, that he was a really good neighbor and then I walked away and left him standing there.

    I didn’t know what to say! God I hate that. Then he went for dinner at a guy friends and stopped to say goodnight on his way to his boat, he is going to help me put this part on.

    I really know nothing about him really and he knows nothing about me. What I like is, he isn’t pushy, he isn’t playing 20 questions wanting to know all about my life or telling me all about his. It comes out a little bit every time we talk. Slow and steady is fine with me, but I am thinking about a man and he is not James …….THAT in itself is cause for celebration!!

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    1. I just wanted to say that this post was something I had been looking for …
      The posts and comments on your site are helpful and sopportive, but in the end, they are all from people ‘in recovery’, just like me …
      Even though there is NC, you can still read through these posts that the pain and sadness that he left behind, is often dominating our thoughts (and keeping him present)
      I somehow needed a ‘happy ending’ post.

      Loving yourself is one thing.
      Allowing yourself to be loved is a whole other story …

      Love is also daring to be vulnerable again …
      It takes a lot of courage, but we all know by know that you have that.
      Enjoy the moments Carrie! Xxx

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  5. Yes it is awesome when the day comes when you see a man and actually LIKE him and enjoy his company ………..and you realize that that part of you hasn’t actually died. (I thought it had died….and that I would never date again.) Granted, I have only been on one date and it didn’t go well in that the guy was nice but he neglected to tell me he was married. Other than that, I haven’t dated in several years since the narc/sociopath fiasco (as I have taken to calling it). We get so nervous that everyone is a sociopath and the city where I live just doesn’t help that misconception. But, yes, what a glorious day…when it finally comes and you say to yourself, “Wow, I am NOT an asshole! People actually like me!” (Because the mind games the narcissist play go so very very deep into our psyche.) And then you realize that you ARE attractive to other men……..and then you realize that you still have that little stirring inside you that says you just might like to be in a relationship again one day……you actually meet men who you find attractive AND kind and nice……..and you know that that part of you has not been destroyed……..and it’s wonderful.

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    1. Yes OliviaRose, I have no expectations of anything with this guy but it is just nice to feel normal. He gave me a hug tonight and we almost fell off the wharf into the river. But I do find I am very aware of his every action and word, I have pretty high standards now. But I look at it like research right now too. No matter what happens it is a learning opportunity and share what I learn. Might as well share it. Everyone has been with me through all the pain and healing, personal growth, I have to take everyone alone when I start dating. I said I was going to prove there is life after a narcissist and I am going to see this to the end.

      Like

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