Because I Need To Talk To Someone

I am just going to come right out and say this; some times since I started the blog, especially more the last couple of years, I feel a responsibility to not complain, to keep my chin up and be positive. I have complained for sure but every time I do I feel bad about it.

I want so desperately to have my life together so victims believe there is life after a narcissist, I want to be proof that it can be done, I SO desperately want my life to be normal for me! and I just do not understand why it isn’t. I don’t ask for much, it doesn’t take much to make me happy; a little place for me and Stella, coffee in the morning and food to eat, not even anything fancy, maybe a burger out once in a while and I have no problem wearing clothes bought at Value Village. I am more than willing to fix up the place I am living and I don’t need fancy furniture or a new car. I am not materialistic and don’t have to keep up with the Jones’s. I am not  hard to get along with as a neighbor, live and let live is the motto I go by, as long as I can have my dog, I won’t let her shit in your yard and if she does I will gladly pick it up. I don’t let her bark and she will never jump up on you or lick your face.

I am not noisy or nosey but I might have company once in a while but you will never have me knocking on your door if you want to party until 4 am on a weekend night. I love to hear people having a good time. I will even bring you home made soup if you are sick or run to the store for more beer if you have had too much to drink.

I will always do my best to do any job I tackle to the best of my ability and take pride in everything I do. I am honest, I will never steal, bullshit you or take advantage of your kindness. I am pretty resilient, adaptable and I think I have rolled with the punches pretty well, all things considered.

When I had to get out of the cabin I was at a loss as to where I could go, If my brother could sell his boat I didn’t want to hold up a sale, but he called and insisted it was never going to sell in the condition it was in. We discussed it and I told him I can not afford to pay the moorage, I get $610 a month, he said we would work it out, I could do some work on the boat, work for him, clean his house, we would find a way. So I sold my furniture for nothing and gave the rest away, it wasn’t worth paying to store it, it would have cost me $100 a month. It was the move from hell, having to haul the shit out of the boat before I could move in, doing it all with my car, back and forth, back and forth, the gas, the hours, by the end of it I was literally wiped out tired, I had hit the brick wall and don’t think I could have moved another box, in fact I left things behind because I could not move anything, any more. Then there was changing funding offices and welfare offices; something I am still doing because they can’t just transfer my file, it is not the same company who has the government contract in this town, so they have their own system and I have to redo a lot of stuff.

I got Stella used to the boat and we have made friends, like I said yesterday, I love my life, that is until a few hours after I did that post and my brother showed up. He said “I have good news and I have bad news”. The last time someone said that i had all my stuff on the back of my truck heading to Saskatchewan and they told me they had sold the house I was moving to and I was instantly homeless.

It is not my brother’s fault, but a major customer, a HUGE job, worth like close to a million bucks is refusing to pay him and he is having to take it to court. Long story short, he needs to liquidate stuff so he can pay suppliers and lawyers because this could take years in court before it gets settled. He is putting his boat and my boat up for sale and will look at any reasonable offers, cash is king, so if someone walked up with cash in hand they could get a nicely fixed up boat for cheap.

Of course I smiled and said I totally understand, there is nothing he can do, and I mean that but I am gutted, the wind is out of my sails, the thought of moving again literally makes me ill, i have felt sick ever since he left. And now I have no furniture, I am in a town that is costing me at least a 1/3 more for everything, I have transferred everything here and I have no idea where I will end up. I could end up doing my whole package and then moving to a new area and starting all over again!! i won’t I can’t. I don’t even know if I can move again. Last night I just laid down with Stella and cried. I can’t count how many times in the last 15 years I have started over with nothing but my clothes and my dog. I am sick and tired of it. I am so sick of being broke, I am sick of applying for jobs I know I can do and not getting them because I don’t have the education but not able to get the education. I am sick of the jumping through government hoops that never materialize into anything. Being fed crap and told its good for me. Being told one thing by one person and something totally different by another person and end up running like a gerbil on a wheel.

i am embarrassed to tell people i am on welfare, because I have always worked, I want to work and these people at the marina don’t know me. For all they know I have been sponging off my brother my whole life and he stood on the wharf while I was in the boat telling me how he can’t afford to keep me in the boat any more and if it sells he will help me get set up elsewhere or I can stay at his place for awhile. All really nice but it makes him sound like the generous brother and me like the leaching sister. All of a sudden I don’t want to talk to anyone or get friendlier, I am going to have to move again, and it’s not that I didn’t know I would have to move again but I had hoped it would be down the road and maybe I would have had a change of circumstances by then. I was thinking positive, not worrying about what might not happen, visualizing.

I have noticed that it doesn’t take much for me to slip back into the hole of despair and feel hopeless again since i left James. I am not near as resilient as I used to be, in fact I get less and less able to cope with little set backs and let downs than even a couple of years ago. The more time that goes by the less likely it seems I will ever get out of the pit I am in. I can hear the clock ticking, louder and louder, my options slipping away and I have this feeling like, hell I will just go live in my car now and get this over with. It’s where I am going to end up any way so why keep fighting it, every time I move I end up worse off then I was, more debt with another bill I can’t pay and I hate that I never get on top of it.

I have started my book, i have written the better business bureau, I have started to make bird houses to try to make money, but I haven’t even had a chance to get on my feet again and they get kicked out from under me.

I am depressed. I am sure I will comeback again. I am sorry, I hate to complain but I really don’t have any one to talk to, everyone has their own lives and their own problems and to be honest i am sick of talking about mine. That was part of the reason I was loving it here, no one knew me, until the other day no one knew I had been in an abusive relationship, no one even knew I had a blog. no one even knew I had had a heart attack.

oh well, I have to get dressed. I really don’t feel well but stella needs a walk.

I am just venting. Don’t worry about me. I just needed to get it off my chest I will be ok.

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81 thoughts on “Because I Need To Talk To Someone

    • Alice, the moorage alone is around $500 a month if you pay it a year in advance. The boat was bought for cash. But my brother need the cash from the sale of the boat. At first when i moved into the boat he had said if my financial situation improved he would consider taking payments on the boat if i wanted to keep it but now he needs to liquidate his assets in order to pay lawyer fees to take this company to court. He is asking $21,000 for the boat but would take $15,000 if someone walked up with cash tomorrow. Which would be a really good deal for someone. I have been thinking about a tiny house and to build one would take about the same but you would have a boat that you can use and more space than a tiny house. It is a really good deal for someone.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Carrie,
        Thanks for explaining! I wish I could borrow you those $15.000. But I simply don’t have them:-( Instead, I have $15.000 of depth which I am trying to pay back to my bank…

        If only there were enough wealthy victims of narc abuse here on this forum, so that we could make a pledge and crowdfund the sum: 1.500 people donating $10 each until the end of June, and you would be the owner of that little boat – and of a bright future in a nice neighbourhood! (sic!)

        Liked by 1 person

          • I don’t know how many subscribers there are to this blog, maybe Carrie knows and could tell us! but $20 is a GREAT suggestion, I will donate that sum tomorrow (it is 0.36 am here in Germany right now). I will donate that sum in addition to my monthly donations – I am donating €25 every month to Carrie on a regular basis since March, because I want to help her to get out of that difficult situation and thrive – and because she was the one you helped me get out of my shitty situation with my narc and enabled me to enforce NO CONTACT since January. That was when I was struggling with anxiety, sleeping disorders, obsessive thinking (about the failed relationship with the narc, and how he had ‘played’, manipulated, gaslighted and betrayed me. Carrie’s blog was worth more than a hundred hours of therapy – not that I’ve had access to those, in fact I haven’t Seen a therapist (yet). But I am going to 12-step CoDA-Meetings since I discovered Carries blog; her personal story touched my heard and somehow helped me to me wake up from my trapped, frozen self and start doing something for myself, in order to heal! And I am so thankful for that!!

            There have been slips back into ‘trying to deal with the narc’ recently (he sent me so many messages and then I cracked the day before his birthday), but I was able to protect my boundaries and ‘stick to my guns’. I knew it would’t lead anywhere to speak to him again (of course not!), and it didn’t – he immediately started game-playing again. So I am in no contact-mode once again, determined to let go completely and totally shift the focus back on healing, and in all the good people and things there are in my life.

            X Alice

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          • defo….everyone should do it….lets do our best to keep supporting when we can and also change carries way of life to a little more stable…it will benefit many more women as carrie keeps showing just how caring she is…and I think many would love to repay fantastic advice and remember when we was and some are going through it. Count me in…I will donate 20 now …and like many I was left in debt too…18k but whats 20 for the support we have all had x

            Liked by 1 person

          • It’s a great initiative. But I m sorry I can’t afford even 10euros. I don’t have any job since last year and not on welfare. I wish I could. Good luck

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        • Alice, that is a lovely thought and it seems like it should be easy, I know I would donate $10 if it was the other way around. But times are tight for people. Wouldn’t that be something though? Just the thought of it, how bizarre if it were possible, that would blow my brother away. Nice little dream.

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  1. I totally totally understand. After having your life destroyed by a narcissist/sociopath, we are not the same. I would also like to believe that we totally bounce back but I’m not there yet either and it’s been a few years. I think of moving to another town, away from the one where I was ostracized because of him and his smear campaign and his flying monkey enablers. I deal with post traumatic stress and little things get to me, just like you said. Things that would have been easy to handle in the pre-sociopath days of my life. I get wigged and stressed out these days by small stuff all the time. Keep on keeping on. I know it’s easier said than done. Some days we feel more empowered but then the other days hit us that suck and it’s easy to fall into the depression/despair again. There should be a whole branch of counseling that deals with this but at the same time I am not sure how hurts and betrayals so big, and violence , whether it was emotional/verbal and/or physical can be “healed” so easily. (My next blog is going to be about the Eastern tradition of getting rid of hurts. Something that was just recently explained to me and I like the concept so much better than traditional “forgiveness” because we know that forgiving is #1 damn near impossible….and #2 something I really don’t want to do. But yet I know I have to release the hurt and pain so it doesn’t destroy me and taint my whole life. (Which up to this point, it has.) I am so thankful for your blog and other blogs like yours. It shows us that we’re not alone in the struggle we face in recovering. I also started writing. It’s just my journey. Feel free to check it out if you’d like. You’re not alone and you are surrounded by much love from many others who have walked this same path. Blessings. https://journeyofoliviarose.wordpress.com/

    Liked by 1 person

    • OliviaRose,. thank you I will check out your site. i am interested to hear what you have to say about an alternative to forgiveness. I am in the same boat as you on forgiveness. I don’t think a person has to forgive to heal. We have all forgiven the N too many times as it is. My ex doesn’t want forgiveness, I don’t want to give it and i think there are some things that are unforgivable. I think to forgive someone there has to be some remorse by the offending party.
      I have let go of the anger, i think I was able to do that by fully accepting that it was nothing personal, he is what he is and he will never be any different.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Carrie,

    I want to add you to my post I’m putting together for a blog tour. It’s easy. Choose a resent post (or write a new post) and add the answers to the following questions to the post and then message me the post link:

    On your post, and there’s no rule as to whether it’s before or after, you’ll need to answer the following questions:

    1. How does your writing/creative process work?
    2. What are you working on at the moment?
    3. Why do you write or create what you do?
    4. How does your work differ from others in your genre?

    Let me know if you’d like to participate!!

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  3. Carrie,
    You are one amazing woman. You have inspired me so much since discovering your blog a couple months ago. Your words have opened my eyes and given me hope for a positive future. Like you, I dated a narcissist. However, I only dated him for 18 months! I thought like we have all thought. That it was me. That i was going crazy! You’ve helped myself and others more than you could ever imagine. Nothing is put in our path that we cannot endure. God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers! Keep writing. Keep praying. You get what you give. And trust me, you’ve given good! Keep doing what you do! You’re in my thoughts and prayers♡

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  4. Carrie,
    thank you for taking the time to respond to everyone, it displays how caring you are and your appreciation.
    let us know how are you doing.
    ciao.
    Rosi

    Liked by 2 people

  5. It always seems to be family members taking advantage when you vulnerable. My father and mother years ago allowed me to put my stuff in a spare room when I was moving to another state which I promised I’d come get my stuff at the earliest opportune time.

    Well, a few months down the line, I came to get my stuff…but lo and behold! My things and been ravaged, as the family helped themselves to my stuff saying I didn’t want them back!

    My “narcissistic?” youngest brother in particular wouldn’t hesitate to take advantage of me anytime he could. He took over when my parents were dying…he got all their money and properties…everything! He decided that I was not entitled to anything! Okay.

    Today I avoid having anything to do with my siblings! I know how they are! I dread the day I become incapacitated and unable to tend to my affairs… I know they will take advantage if they can! My children will be my only heirs, and rightfully so. My brothers can go to you know where!

    Take care Carrie. I hate that you are in a bad situation! It’s sounds truly awful! I agree with the others, you brother sounds like a major A-hole! He has a the character of a rattlesnake! Sorry, but that’s how I see him! Take care of yourself! My sympathies.

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    • Only Me, thank you. Money does horrible things to some people. I remember when my grandma died. All her kids were fighting over her stuff and she had nothing of value, she had been dirt poor her whole life, One son took off with what little money that was left from the sale of her house. She left me a suitcase of pictures that my grandpa had taken. I had some of them blown up and framed for my dad as a gift. Then he wanted the whole suitcase of pics so he could look through them. I knew I shouldn’t have taken them over there, sure as shooting I never saw them again. Now he is dead and his 2nd wife has them, like they mean anything to her. piss me off.
      My brother, I love him, he is my baby brother, 9 years younger, I was like a mom to him, he has hung me out to dry before, but there is only him, me and my mom. I should have known not to move onto the boat at all, slow learner, that’s me. I mean it was only in 2009 that my mom sold my trailer out from under me. LOL gotta love family!!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. What I find/ have found is that when people know what you have gone through they seem to jump on the bandwagon and,instead of respecting you, they treat you with the same disrespect your ex did. Like it gives them licence to treat you badly as well. I remember you telling your brother that JC had hit you and he said something like that you’d make him want to hit you as well. That shocked me. Surely any brother who cared for his sister would say the opposite and would go and throw the bastard who hit his sister up against the wall? I’m not sure if you are now able to stay as he has paid the moorage but whatever the scenario is do not let him reframe reality and know your worth and what you have done. You fixed up his wreck of a boat and in return you can stay there. Seems to me that he wants it all and as your brother, quite frankly he should have fixed it up FOR you! I know it’s hard but stick to your reality not his. You are entitled to be there. That was the deal. God people can be so mean. Hugs. You are amazing. Your brother is being a pathetic little goblin.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Singing, I agree with you, although I never would expect him to provide me with a roof over my head, the thing that gets me is he basically talked me into moving into it. I kept saying I didn’t want to hold up a sale on it and he kept saying it will never sell, it’s sitting there empty.
      Growing up my dad used to say I was a flake, because I was so sensitive and intuitive,my dad always cried the blues to us kids about how horrible our mother was and then one day he said i was exactly like my mother and I thanked him. After that he had a hate on for me too. Slagged me to everyone and my brother picked it up. He has always talked to me like I am an idiot. I bring him up on it once in a while, my son really let him have it a few times. It isn’t just me though, he talks to everyone like that eventually.
      I was really hurt with the comment he made about wanting to slap me himself. I of course took it to heart and thought i should try harder with James. I always thought if a man ever hit me my bother would kill him, it is what you kinda expect out of family. my son is the only one who has ever stood up to James. I never thought my mom would have a spare bedroom and see me homeless either, my family is different than most. I think that is why I am so supportive and encouraging with my son, I don’t want him to ever feel he has no where to go or no one cares.
      Not in a million years I would ever see my son without a place to live and not have him come live with me. Anytime he has come home from travelling or working out of province he has come home and slept on the couch if he had to until he got back on his feet. One time he came home while I was with James and even though James had said it was ok he made it impossible for Kris to stay. Kris left angry and went to sleep in his truck at Walmart. I got in my truck with my dog, drove down to Walmart and parked beside him with a thermos of coffee and we both slept in our trucks. There was no way I could have slept in a bed knowing he was angry and in his truck.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hi Carrie,
        Your family sound similar to mine. My Dad is a cold, unavailable man with a gambling and women addiction and he disappeared when I was 3, only keeping irregular contact. He is rarely supportive and was often unkind to me as a kid and totally unable to be a dad. My step dad was violent and raging and my mum just there but not there. Through all my troubles I have had hardly any support from my family especially mum. You get used to it and it makes you independent but I think it’s how we get stuck in these shit relationships. Before my current ex I was married for 20 years and have 4 great kids from that. I was very young when I met him having just left home and moved alone to London. He was also quite narcissistic but not as aggressive, violent and cruel as my ex of the last 8 years. I can’t talk to my family and haven’t even told them if recent developments. I can’t bear to hear their comments which will only add to my pain. I don’t know about you but, for me, other people’s ignorance and victim blaming attitudes have been almost as bad as the abuse itself. Society really has a lot to answer for. It’s bad enough when people don’t know about abuse but really awful when you try to educate them and they turn on you further. It’s isolating enough being with an abusive man but people’s attitudes isolate you further. Of all the people who tutted and despaired at me and said I should leave, not one of them has stood by me now that I have. Being with a narcissist you not only lose faith in the man you gave so much to but you lose faith in human nature and your whole world view gets changed. I’ve always been a coper, cheerful, resilient, trying to see the best in every one and every situation and its a huge whack in the face to realise how apathetic most people are. I’ve had a really bad bad few months and only heard from my mum because I think my sister had a word with her. I’m used to it, like you, but I think it’s partly why we get stuck and try so hard. I really loved crazy G man so much. I’ve never felt like that about anyone. He talked to me like I was nothing, treated me like dirt. I wasn’t allowed to speak, have an opinion, have a need. I am a university educated woman and he left school at 15. He tells me I should learn to express my self properly and for a Cambridge english graduate I don’t even know how to speak. Anyway, I digress. Basically it’s not hard to see how our family of origin lead us where we are ( that’s not to say we don’t have responsibility, just that it’s deeper than that and our past dictates things we don’t always understand until it hits us in the face with an almighty whack) and so its not surprising that they have the attitudes they do towards our predicament. Until recently I haven’t been able to stay at my mums for the best part of my adult life. My parents barely know their grandchildren. I have 4 wonderful kids. Like you I have been determined to give them what I haven’t had. Throughout the years we have been a strong unit and still are. They actually love each other and I am so proud of that. Like Kris my eldest 2 girls have stood up to G man and for that he has called them ‘interfering and mouthy’ which is not ‘surprising’ when they have such a ‘gobby stuck up confrontational cow’ as a mother….. That insult was when I said I didn’t like him calling me a ‘shit cunt’ and asked for respect. My girls and I despair at the men in our family and I’m glad they are intelligent and articulate and such lovely human beings. Crazy G tried so hard to turn them against me but he never managed it. He succeeded in this with his other women though. They pick women without strong families around them, it’s so much easier then to control and isolate. I know it hurts so much that our families are not supportive in the way we know we would be but I’m changing that by being with my kids how I know it should have been and so are you. That is the best we can do. Make something good out of somethsomething bad. On another note, how do I donate to your boat so you can stay there?

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      • Sounds like most of our families aren’t really that much of a prize. I know mine aren’t!

        Yes, I’m the same way with my children, as they are the exception! The last couple of years I’ve let my 33 yo daughter (with her BF) and 34 yo son stay with me. Our children are our hope for the future. They are good people, but heck what can I say? I raised them. Neither has ever been in any real trouble and they do help me around the house (cleaning, repairs & maintenance work and anything else I need!) and are protective of me.

        Daughter just pays a modest amount of rent, and son being in college, none at all. It is with the understanding it was to allow them to get on their feet financially. for her to be able to buy a home (she plans to move out at the end of summer) and him to finish his education. I’m happy to do it. I have a modest 3 bedroom home, so I have the room.

        My sister has been known to help me from time to time…even my oldest younger brother has helped in a pinch. Their my course of last resort! Life is good, I’m even reconnecting with my first love. I didn’t think he was ready being widowed only about 6 months, but he’s showing definite signs of being more ready to rekindle our relationship than I thought after 40 years! LOL.

        I’ve looked at what I’ve thought in the past was certain disaster, and the worst never happened! What I do see in you Carrie, is that you are strong, resilient and resourceful, not to mention highly creative! Nobody should count you out yet! I’m betting on you overcoming your current situation, and doing better than ever! Hugs to you, and best wishes!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Only Me, yes we think the same way. My kid is my soul, my life, like i have said to him before, i will never see you suffer as long as I have means to help. I will never see you homeless unless we are under the viaduct together. Then if things get better for you and you leave me under the viaduct to go live the good life, then I will be pissed. It is not that my family hasn’t helped me but I never know if i can trust it or not and it really isn’t help if it is taken away a month later. And when you are desperate you accept “help’ even when you know better. Oh well, the story is not over, there are a few more chapters I am sure, we will see how many plot twists there are before we get to the end.:)
          I sounds like your life is falling into place just as it is meant to. i am happy for you, patience and endurance pays off!! another shining example of a woman who survived and is thriving.! I should have a score board, Narc 0 Survivors infinity!!

          Liked by 1 person

  7. Cheaters Cheat… end of story.

    When your man cheats, it feels like your entire universe crumbles around you. Most women dealing with a cheating husband or boyfriend start thinking of ways to fix the situation. We wonder what we’ve done to drive him to the arms of another woman. We struggle to think of ways to bring him back.

    STOP!

    Cheaters cheat. That’s it. Cheating is not about boredome or dissatisfaction. Cheating is the result of a characterological flaw that allows men or women to rationalize cheating and breaking vows. Affairs are not normal, healthy reactions to uncommon relationship struggles. Rather, they are unhealthy reactions to the trials and tribulations common to most relationships from time to time.

    Don’t torture or embarrass yourself making the same mistakes millions of women make when they know their man is cheating. Save your self-respect, dignity, and time by cutting your losses and freeing yourself for a better relationship with a more functional man.

    Mistake #1 — The Investigation

    When women suspect their man is cheating, the first mistake they make is launching a fact finding mission. Spying, calling around, interrigating their partners, women invest their energy in a senseless hunt to prove what is already obvious: the relationship is seriously broken.

    You don’t need proof that your man is cheating to know that something isn’t working between the two of you. Whether he’s actually cheating or you’re just seriously paranoid, evidence isn’t required to know something has to change. Driving yourself mad trying to catch him in the act of cheating won’t deliver the peace of mind you are looking for. It will only make you look and feel crazy.

    Mistake #2 — Blaming the Other Woman

    Yeah, she’s got to be pure evil to steal another woman’s man, but that’s really not the point. She’s not the one who committed to you, who promised to to be true to you, and then cheated on you. Even more importantly, if it wasn’t her it would be someone else.

    People cheat because they are cheaters. When a man cheats it’s not because he was innocently seduced by another woman’s wicked charms. It’s not because she offered something you didn’t. It’s not because she’s better than you. Cheaters cheat. They don’t need temptation to have an affair.

    Let go of your anger towards the other woman. It’s misguided. Focus instead on the fact that the partner you were in a relationship with violated his commitment to monogomy. If it wasn’t her, he’d have found someone else. Even if she leaves the picture, there are millions of women in the world for him to cheat with.
    Mistake #3 — Changing to Keep Him

    First of all, if your man is cheating, the last thing you want is to keep him around. Cheating is a pattern of behavior that won’t stop no matter how many promises he makes or how many changes you make to keep his attention. If he has cheated on you, it’s time to move on. Cheaters cheat… and cheat… and cheat.

    Second, you didn’t drive him to cheat. If your man is cheating, it’s not a reflection of your worth, but an indication that he is incapable of handling the responsibility of maintaining a relationship. He is lacking mature adult coping skills. The problem is his, NOT YOURS.

    Because you didn’t cause your man to cheat, you can’t stop it either. There is nothing you can change in yourself to make a cheater be loyal. Stop thinking that if you were thinner, prettier, wilder in bed, or more exciting he would be faithful. If your man is cheating, he’s not thinking about you one way or another.

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