I am just going to come right out and say this; some times since I started the blog, especially more the last couple of years, I feel a responsibility to not complain, to keep my chin up and be positive. I have complained for sure but every time I do I feel bad about it.
I want so desperately to have my life together so victims believe there is life after a narcissist, I want to be proof that it can be done, I SO desperately want my life to be normal for me! and I just do not understand why it isn’t. I don’t ask for much, it doesn’t take much to make me happy; a little place for me and Stella, coffee in the morning and food to eat, not even anything fancy, maybe a burger out once in a while and I have no problem wearing clothes bought at Value Village. I am more than willing to fix up the place I am living and I don’t need fancy furniture or a new car. I am not materialistic and don’t have to keep up with the Jones’s. I am not hard to get along with as a neighbor, live and let live is the motto I go by, as long as I can have my dog, I won’t let her shit in your yard and if she does I will gladly pick it up. I don’t let her bark and she will never jump up on you or lick your face.
I am not noisy or nosey but I might have company once in a while but you will never have me knocking on your door if you want to party until 4 am on a weekend night. I love to hear people having a good time. I will even bring you home made soup if you are sick or run to the store for more beer if you have had too much to drink.
I will always do my best to do any job I tackle to the best of my ability and take pride in everything I do. I am honest, I will never steal, bullshit you or take advantage of your kindness. I am pretty resilient, adaptable and I think I have rolled with the punches pretty well, all things considered.
When I had to get out of the cabin I was at a loss as to where I could go, If my brother could sell his boat I didn’t want to hold up a sale, but he called and insisted it was never going to sell in the condition it was in. We discussed it and I told him I can not afford to pay the moorage, I get $610 a month, he said we would work it out, I could do some work on the boat, work for him, clean his house, we would find a way. So I sold my furniture for nothing and gave the rest away, it wasn’t worth paying to store it, it would have cost me $100 a month. It was the move from hell, having to haul the shit out of the boat before I could move in, doing it all with my car, back and forth, back and forth, the gas, the hours, by the end of it I was literally wiped out tired, I had hit the brick wall and don’t think I could have moved another box, in fact I left things behind because I could not move anything, any more. Then there was changing funding offices and welfare offices; something I am still doing because they can’t just transfer my file, it is not the same company who has the government contract in this town, so they have their own system and I have to redo a lot of stuff.
I got Stella used to the boat and we have made friends, like I said yesterday, I love my life, that is until a few hours after I did that post and my brother showed up. He said “I have good news and I have bad news”. The last time someone said that i had all my stuff on the back of my truck heading to Saskatchewan and they told me they had sold the house I was moving to and I was instantly homeless.
It is not my brother’s fault, but a major customer, a HUGE job, worth like close to a million bucks is refusing to pay him and he is having to take it to court. Long story short, he needs to liquidate stuff so he can pay suppliers and lawyers because this could take years in court before it gets settled. He is putting his boat and my boat up for sale and will look at any reasonable offers, cash is king, so if someone walked up with cash in hand they could get a nicely fixed up boat for cheap.
Of course I smiled and said I totally understand, there is nothing he can do, and I mean that but I am gutted, the wind is out of my sails, the thought of moving again literally makes me ill, i have felt sick ever since he left. And now I have no furniture, I am in a town that is costing me at least a 1/3 more for everything, I have transferred everything here and I have no idea where I will end up. I could end up doing my whole package and then moving to a new area and starting all over again!! i won’t I can’t. I don’t even know if I can move again. Last night I just laid down with Stella and cried. I can’t count how many times in the last 15 years I have started over with nothing but my clothes and my dog. I am sick and tired of it. I am so sick of being broke, I am sick of applying for jobs I know I can do and not getting them because I don’t have the education but not able to get the education. I am sick of the jumping through government hoops that never materialize into anything. Being fed crap and told its good for me. Being told one thing by one person and something totally different by another person and end up running like a gerbil on a wheel.
i am embarrassed to tell people i am on welfare, because I have always worked, I want to work and these people at the marina don’t know me. For all they know I have been sponging off my brother my whole life and he stood on the wharf while I was in the boat telling me how he can’t afford to keep me in the boat any more and if it sells he will help me get set up elsewhere or I can stay at his place for awhile. All really nice but it makes him sound like the generous brother and me like the leaching sister. All of a sudden I don’t want to talk to anyone or get friendlier, I am going to have to move again, and it’s not that I didn’t know I would have to move again but I had hoped it would be down the road and maybe I would have had a change of circumstances by then. I was thinking positive, not worrying about what might not happen, visualizing.
I have noticed that it doesn’t take much for me to slip back into the hole of despair and feel hopeless again since i left James. I am not near as resilient as I used to be, in fact I get less and less able to cope with little set backs and let downs than even a couple of years ago. The more time that goes by the less likely it seems I will ever get out of the pit I am in. I can hear the clock ticking, louder and louder, my options slipping away and I have this feeling like, hell I will just go live in my car now and get this over with. It’s where I am going to end up any way so why keep fighting it, every time I move I end up worse off then I was, more debt with another bill I can’t pay and I hate that I never get on top of it.
I have started my book, i have written the better business bureau, I have started to make bird houses to try to make money, but I haven’t even had a chance to get on my feet again and they get kicked out from under me.
I am depressed. I am sure I will comeback again. I am sorry, I hate to complain but I really don’t have any one to talk to, everyone has their own lives and their own problems and to be honest i am sick of talking about mine. That was part of the reason I was loving it here, no one knew me, until the other day no one knew I had been in an abusive relationship, no one even knew I had a blog. no one even knew I had had a heart attack.
oh well, I have to get dressed. I really don’t feel well but stella needs a walk.
I am just venting. Don’t worry about me. I just needed to get it off my chest I will be ok.