Because I Need To Talk To Someone

I am just going to come right out and say this; some times since I started the blog, especially more the last couple of years, I feel a responsibility to not complain, to keep my chin up and be positive. I have complained for sure but every time I do I feel bad about it.

I want so desperately to have my life together so victims believe there is life after a narcissist, I want to be proof that it can be done, I SO desperately want my life to be normal for me! and I just do not understand why it isn’t. I don’t ask for much, it doesn’t take much to make me happy; a little place for me and Stella, coffee in the morning and food to eat, not even anything fancy, maybe a burger out once in a while and I have no problem wearing clothes bought at Value Village. I am more than willing to fix up the place I am living and I don’t need fancy furniture or a new car. I am not materialistic and don’t have to keep up with the Jones’s. I am not  hard to get along with as a neighbor, live and let live is the motto I go by, as long as I can have my dog, I won’t let her shit in your yard and if she does I will gladly pick it up. I don’t let her bark and she will never jump up on you or lick your face.

I am not noisy or nosey but I might have company once in a while but you will never have me knocking on your door if you want to party until 4 am on a weekend night. I love to hear people having a good time. I will even bring you home made soup if you are sick or run to the store for more beer if you have had too much to drink.

I will always do my best to do any job I tackle to the best of my ability and take pride in everything I do. I am honest, I will never steal, bullshit you or take advantage of your kindness. I am pretty resilient, adaptable and I think I have rolled with the punches pretty well, all things considered.

When I had to get out of the cabin I was at a loss as to where I could go, If my brother could sell his boat I didn’t want to hold up a sale, but he called and insisted it was never going to sell in the condition it was in. We discussed it and I told him I can not afford to pay the moorage, I get $610 a month, he said we would work it out, I could do some work on the boat, work for him, clean his house, we would find a way. So I sold my furniture for nothing and gave the rest away, it wasn’t worth paying to store it, it would have cost me $100 a month. It was the move from hell, having to haul the shit out of the boat before I could move in, doing it all with my car, back and forth, back and forth, the gas, the hours, by the end of it I was literally wiped out tired, I had hit the brick wall and don’t think I could have moved another box, in fact I left things behind because I could not move anything, any more. Then there was changing funding offices and welfare offices; something I am still doing because they can’t just transfer my file, it is not the same company who has the government contract in this town, so they have their own system and I have to redo a lot of stuff.

I got Stella used to the boat and we have made friends, like I said yesterday, I love my life, that is until a few hours after I did that post and my brother showed up. He said “I have good news and I have bad news”. The last time someone said that i had all my stuff on the back of my truck heading to Saskatchewan and they told me they had sold the house I was moving to and I was instantly homeless.

It is not my brother’s fault, but a major customer, a HUGE job, worth like close to a million bucks is refusing to pay him and he is having to take it to court. Long story short, he needs to liquidate stuff so he can pay suppliers and lawyers because this could take years in court before it gets settled. He is putting his boat and my boat up for sale and will look at any reasonable offers, cash is king, so if someone walked up with cash in hand they could get a nicely fixed up boat for cheap.

Of course I smiled and said I totally understand, there is nothing he can do, and I mean that but I am gutted, the wind is out of my sails, the thought of moving again literally makes me ill, i have felt sick ever since he left. And now I have no furniture, I am in a town that is costing me at least a 1/3 more for everything, I have transferred everything here and I have no idea where I will end up. I could end up doing my whole package and then moving to a new area and starting all over again!! i won’t I can’t. I don’t even know if I can move again. Last night I just laid down with Stella and cried. I can’t count how many times in the last 15 years I have started over with nothing but my clothes and my dog. I am sick and tired of it. I am so sick of being broke, I am sick of applying for jobs I know I can do and not getting them because I don’t have the education but not able to get the education. I am sick of the jumping through government hoops that never materialize into anything. Being fed crap and told its good for me. Being told one thing by one person and something totally different by another person and end up running like a gerbil on a wheel.

i am embarrassed to tell people i am on welfare, because I have always worked, I want to work and these people at the marina don’t know me. For all they know I have been sponging off my brother my whole life and he stood on the wharf while I was in the boat telling me how he can’t afford to keep me in the boat any more and if it sells he will help me get set up elsewhere or I can stay at his place for awhile. All really nice but it makes him sound like the generous brother and me like the leaching sister. All of a sudden I don’t want to talk to anyone or get friendlier, I am going to have to move again, and it’s not that I didn’t know I would have to move again but I had hoped it would be down the road and maybe I would have had a change of circumstances by then. I was thinking positive, not worrying about what might not happen, visualizing.

I have noticed that it doesn’t take much for me to slip back into the hole of despair and feel hopeless again since i left James. I am not near as resilient as I used to be, in fact I get less and less able to cope with little set backs and let downs than even a couple of years ago. The more time that goes by the less likely it seems I will ever get out of the pit I am in. I can hear the clock ticking, louder and louder, my options slipping away and I have this feeling like, hell I will just go live in my car now and get this over with. It’s where I am going to end up any way so why keep fighting it, every time I move I end up worse off then I was, more debt with another bill I can’t pay and I hate that I never get on top of it.

I have started my book, i have written the better business bureau, I have started to make bird houses to try to make money, but I haven’t even had a chance to get on my feet again and they get kicked out from under me.

I am depressed. I am sure I will comeback again. I am sorry, I hate to complain but I really don’t have any one to talk to, everyone has their own lives and their own problems and to be honest i am sick of talking about mine. That was part of the reason I was loving it here, no one knew me, until the other day no one knew I had been in an abusive relationship, no one even knew I had a blog. no one even knew I had had a heart attack.

oh well, I have to get dressed. I really don’t feel well but stella needs a walk.

I am just venting. Don’t worry about me. I just needed to get it off my chest I will be ok.

81 thoughts on “Because I Need To Talk To Someone

  1. O.

    I’m so sorry for the stresses and struggles that you keep having to endure. It’s a good thing that you have this blog and can let us who care about you know what’s going on so that we can send you support & keep encouraging you to not give up. There’s got to be a reason that these changes are coming around again, I have to believe that, and I also have to believe that a way shall be made clear for the next steps you need to take on your path to a happy future. You’re a constant source of inspiration to me and you will forever have my gratitude. Bless you & Stella. I will keep you close in my thoughts & prayers. (((hugs)))

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      O. thank you. I know you have your own struggles, everyone here does and that is another reason I hate to whine about my life but sometimes a person just needs to have a pity party. Or I do anyway. LOL thank you for your kind words and yes I agree, thank God for all the wonderful people here, they always make me feel better and loved.
      Hugs

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  2. threekidsandi

    I am so sorry. I know how it feels. It is a trigger, to feel like you haven’t any control over your life. Don’t lose heart. You are due a break. Keep your head up, so you can see it when it comes your way. I am buying your book, by the way. Probably I will buy three copies, so the local library and the local DV shelter get a copy, too.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      threekidsandI, thank you so much!! you are a doll. I keep telling myself that things are going to turn around, they have to. I will keep plugging along, I always make it through somehow and will again I am sure.
      Hugs

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  3. kim

    carrie im so sorry you are having an awful time its hard to go through moving i moved four times in a year and a bit and it almost killed me all huge houses hundreds of boxes i worry about having to move anymore i know how you feel its ok to complain youre having a hard time and you are only human i feel for you carrie its always scary keep having to set a life up somewhere knew even though you sett this blog up we are all here for you too please dont be ashamed about welfare we need the help i have it too its what it is there for please let us know how you get on keep well carrie vent as much as you want love to you and stella good luck xxx

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  4. Army of Angels

    Oh dear….you really didn’t need that news right now. You have every reason to be frustrated, and I am so glad you have this supportive community of blogging buddies! You are loved and cared about Carrie….sending tons of love<3

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  5. heyeldi

    I’ve said it before. You are the bravest and strongest woman I know. I know that you will get through this. You have drive, ambition and brains. You can do so many things and do them well. You have faced worse than this and prevailed. There is always a way through a hardship and you have an amazing knack for finding it. My money is on you. Hugs and more hugs for you and beautiful Stella.

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  6. marlene

    I’m so so sorry Carrie. I wish you didn’t have to go through so much pain and hard ship. You give so much of yourself in so many ways. I don’t understand why your brother has to do this…It’s disturbing. I am in the province next to you…Edmonton. I know very soon we will need more cleaners and it doesn’t pay bad at all.That is a long shot btw, but thought I would put it out there for you. I am the only cleaner there. It’s not as beautiful as B.C though. Love you Carrie!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      marlene, thank you so much for thinking of me. I am unable to do much cleaning because of my heart. I can’t do anything over my head like windows etc and i am not supposed to vacuum. i used to clean my brother’s house once in a while but i took it easy and didn’t push myself if i got tired. I can’t do that when I am working for someone else. I even cleaned on job sites but I also would stop and go sit in my car for an hour and relax if i got tired. I was trying to wash the ceiling in the boat and started having chest pains.
      I don’t feel sick for the most part until i try to do something I shouldn’t and then I know pretty quick why the Dr told me not to do certain things.
      Plus I would be away from my mom and she is getting older and her husband is 90 and fading, I want to be close if something happens to him, she will need me.
      Thanks though, I appreciate the thought
      HUgs

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      1. marlene

        I was just diagnosed with heart disease as well, it runs in my family. Many many have had strokes heat attacks and deaths at a young age. I just finished the windows and there is no vacuuming involved lol. I just quit smoking as well and am having a really hard time of it. It was a thought but I could understand why you would want to be mear family.

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        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          Marlene, be careful with your heart! did you know that women who have been in abusive relationships are 70% more likely to have heart disease? Things like raking, vacuuming and anything where you are working with your hands above your heart are very dangerous. Do you have meds you are taking?
          I had my first heart attack and felt fine afterwards, didn’t take my meds, they were expensive and i felt fine, besides who was going to pay my bills. i had just left James and I had debt up to my eye balls. I was back to work 2 days after being released from the hospital instead of taking the 6 weeks they suggested. Then a year later my feet got really swollen, i couldn’t wear any of my shoes, and when i laid down i would wake up coughing. Then when i laid down i couldn’t breath. i ignored it for oh gee, a month or more and it got worse and worse. Finally I hadn’t slept laying down for over a week and was so tired, i had a really sore neck, i couldn’t even sleep sitting propped up on the couch. Then I thought, “I am not going to make it until morning’ i sent my mom an email saying I was going to the hospital and drove myself. I passed out on the way there and almost killed myself but woke up in time. i didn’t even park in a stall, just pulled up and walked in. By the time I got there i couldn’t remember why I was there but thought i must have had a good reason so went in.
          The nurse asked why I was there and i said i didn’t know, then I remembered my feet were swollen and i couldn’t breath and i said, i had a heart attack last year.
          Well they whipped me in so fast i didn’t know what hit me. This time the doctor gave me supreme shit. he said that i didn’t realize how serious it was and that I would have died in a couple of hours had i not gone to the hospital. my organs were all shutting down, that is why my feet were swelling, my kidneys were quitting. He compared it to cancer when it metastasizes. I did a lot of damage by not taking care of myself after the first one. Please, take it very seriously. don’t eat any salt and read the contents of things; There is so much sodium in everything.
          Limit your fluid intake also. I didn’t know any of this stuff and I wish I would have done these things before the damage occurred.
          Hugs

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  7. safirefalcon

    This is crazy. You did all that heavy moving by yourself with no help…fixed up the boat and now he says he needs to sell it? I’m with the commenters above and thought it as I read. It looks like he moved you on the boat knowing you’d fix it up. He did say it wouldn’t sell in the condition it WAS in. But now it’s all fixed up and someone will pay a decent price for it.

    I hesitated because he’s your family. But man, that just looks way too suspicious.

    Also, the fact that he told you while he was standing outside and you were inside… what was that about? That was a private conversation that others didn’t need to hear. He should’ve had the courtesy to give you the dignity to go in and talk to you…not make the news an announcement as he was telling you.

    And WHAT was the good news again? Did he get to that or just walk away after dumping on you?

    Ok, I guess I should calm down now.
    I love the ideas that Alice suggested. You have so many talents you could use to make a living while doing for others AND have it be something you enjoy. Dog walking was my first thought but I like the idea of doing something with cooking too.

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  8. Firehorse

    You should vent anytime you need to Carrie! You have a lot of people that believe in you and support you! We are all here for you just as you have been there for us. I wish there was something I could do and if there is please say so. Sending you good thoughts! Lots of love!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Safire, thank you! you always say it like it is, that is what i love about you! i replied at length to someone else about my brother, I won’t repeat myself with you but your thoughts are not far off my own,
      Just knowing you care is all I need thanks
      hugs

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      1. safirefalcon

        Oh wow. I was thinking you were mad at whoever bad mouthed your brother. I came back to see if you had replied to anyone, feeling a bit leary. lol I am relieved to see that you aren’t angry with me.

        I will look for your response to the other person.

        My response is that of caring though. So my heart’s in the right place. ❤ You're a good person and I hate to see someone go through getting up just to be slapped back down over and over and over again. I know what that's like.

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  9. Ellebelle2015

    I totally agree with the other women about your brother. It almost looks like a setup. A huge job, that didn’t pay off? And indeed, what was the good news?
    I can understand why you are not as resilient as you were before. You are getting older and you want your peace.
    I lived on the attic of my daughters house for three months after I left my ex. I got an appartement of 60 square meters. I still have to get used to everything. But reading your story, I should be very happy. Living on welfare in your country is very different from the country (Holland) I am living in. Take care!

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Ellebelle, the good news was the sun will come up tomorrow. I have heard that Holland is a great place to live and beautiful also!!
      Thanks for your concern it means a lot
      hugs

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  10. fee

    Morning Carrie,

    Firstly don’t you EVER apologise for venting. Who on earth would judge you or not think your strong because your human and have had so much shit flung at you….no one would. YOU ARE THE SUCCESS STORY FOR US WOMEN /MEN. YOU GOT OUT! Your over james….you moved on. Your life from that day forward cant be plain sailing, but it should have been a hell of a lot smoother for you. Out of anyone I know you need to hold your head right up high and live in the moment. Keep mixing, keep walking your dog, keep flirting. I know your brother didn’t plan it and I can see your not having a go….circustances in all cases are shit….but we know now your path isn’t going to be the boat. It could be sold in a week, month, or 6 mths….so you keep writing your book, look for somewhere else and keep in touch with everyone…stranger or not who makes you smiles daily, makes you feel human, makes you have emotions that are different to screaming out loud or making you feel you just need to give in. Your bloody not. I live in England, I have no finaces myself but I mean this with everything in me, I will make room. You will have a roof over your head and be warm…might not be peaceful..we are a tad full at the inn so to speak lol…but I know my kids are like me and you would have a family. Your more than you know you are….and your more than any shitty card handed to you.
    Keep writing, take 2 afternoons a week to find a place, keep up with your book no matter what…don’t ever think you failed. YOU GOT OUT AND YOU ARE THE SUCCESS. What happens next wasn’t you went backwards to james….it wasn’t about recovery…sure, its a knock on affect after being in a relationship with him…..but your showing as hard as it is…your still going.
    I think the world of you.
    Love fee x
    p.s….email me anytime I will always reply x

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Fee, thank you so much!! your words made me cry, not because I was sad but just because they were so kind and exactly what I needed to hear. I have no doubt you would take me in if you could and I am sure it would be crowded but we would get by. 🙂 You know I love you and think the world of you my friend. I am blessed to know you.
      Love and hugs to you and the kids
      Carrie

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