The Narcissist Wasn’t The Only Award Winning Actor

I think most victims of narcissistic abuse have to admit they became pretty good actors themselves, so good in fact that they believed their own performances 1/2 the time.


I remember being out in public, sometimes it might be a social gathering with other couples, sometimes it would be with his family or mine and I would put on the performance of a life time. Times when he would have been on me for days over some perceived slight against him or about money, again and I would be devastated deep inside but by all outward appearances we were the happy couple. No one would have known to look at us that he had choked me the night before, or less than 24 hours ago I had been curled in a ball in the corner of the room with him screaming at me that I was an ungrateful bitch while he towered over me with his fist raised threatening to hit me. I certainly didn’t want to let on we weren’t the happy little couple, that we weren’t just like every other couple.

When in the company of other couples quite often the men break off to talk guy stuff and the women are chatting amongst themselves and the some woman would share some annoying habit her husband had, she would go off talking about how he never helps with dishes or how he never does laundry, and she is sick of him being so inconsiderate. I would be sitting there thinking, “If you only knew how lucky you are.” They are bitching about him not calling when he was 10 minutes late or coming home drunk and i never knew when or if James would get home at all. Bitch about him not calling, how about not calling, not answering his phone and not coming home for 2 days?

Or it would be the holidays and someone would ask me what i got for Valentine’s Day, or Christmas and I would say he gets me stuff all year long and we don’t bother if gifts for occasions. Or when someone would have called the cops and the cop took me aside and asked if James ever hit me and I looked him in the eyes and said no. Or when I had been crying for days on end because i was so heart broken and his mother called to see why he hadn’t called her in weeks and I lied and said he was such a hard worker and been putting in so many long hours when in fact I hadn’t heard from him in 2 days and had no idea where he was.

Then there were the performances for my kid, luckily most of them were over the phone because he can read me so well I don’t think I could have pulled it off face to face; where i expounded on how good to me James was and how well everything was going. When I went to my brother’s wedding and told everyone how happy I was with James and how much he had changed and how we had really grown as a couple and going back to him had been the best decision I ever made and how he always puts me first and takes such good care of me.

When his adoptive mother called and her and I would have lengthy conversations about how dedicated, hard working and sensitive James is.

Then there was the time he was sick and in bed and i answered his phone with, “Hello, James’s phone, Carrie speaking.” and there was a long pause before a female voice stammered, “Is James there?” I knew who it was, it was the girl he had been telling me about that sold oil and stuff that came into the shop about a month earlier, she had tattoos every where and was wearing high heels and a dress, she was a model for some magazine but she was not his type. But for someone who wasn’t his type he sure talked about her a lot, I knew if he hadn’t done her, he was planning on it. When she asked if James was there I replied that he was terribly sick in bed at home and asked if I could take a message. I could tell she was dying to know who I was and she asked, “He’s at home?” I said, “Yes, the poor guy, such a hard worker, he never takes days off sick but I had insisted this time he just stay home, they can survive without him for a day. Can I take a message and have him call you?”

She said it was nothing too important and she would call back another day and she hoped he got well soon. In my most loving and caring voice I told her that it was his malaria acting up again and it usually passed in a few days. Of course she asked, “Malaria?” and I told her what a charitable, giving man he is and how a couple of years back he had gone to Africa to help the poor starving Sudanese and gotten Malaria and what a wonderful man he is. Funny, after that call he never talked about her again.

Then there was the performance I gave when he forgot to sign off on my laptop and his MSN messenger beeped in and it was a woman. I again introduced myself as his girlfriend and she could barely contain her surprise and asked how long we had been dating. When I said we had been happily living together for 8 years she wanted to know more but I had to go. I would have loved to chat longer of course and maybe next time.

My best performances though were always with James as my leading man, when he would get himself into shit again and I would come to his side and defend him, expound on his virtues and save his neck again. All in the name of love.

And the times when he came to bed just before the sun came up after hours on porn site or dating sites and pulled me on top of him and I faked an orgasm because I didn’t want him to know that the thought of him with someone else killed any sexual desire I had for him, but I loved him so much i didn’t want to turn him down. Or when he would rescue me after sabotaging my truck and I would be so grateful and go on about how no other man would be able to fix my truck like he did, his McGyver abilities and how lucky I was.

Yes sir, I gave some stellar performances, I knew my lines well, but just like in a TV soap opera they replaced the leading lady, one week it is one actress and the next a totally different actress and no one is supposed to notice the difference, or they make up some far fetched story line that she was badly disfigured in a car accident and now she looks totally different. But the audience goes along with it and life carries on, the orchestrated life of the narcissist that is; and there are no award ceremonies, no golden globes, you are the has-been. Oh they might write you back into the script for a flash back scene but face it, you are done, never to work in this town again.

more true than any victim wants to admit.


15 thoughts on “The Narcissist Wasn’t The Only Award Winning Actor

  1. There were so many times out in public that I bit my lip when the shop keeps would ask “How are you?” and he’d be standing beside me. I wanted so badly to say, “Terrified, oppressed, exhausted, broken.” but I would mumble a quick, “I’m good, and you?” and try to force a believable smile. I hated myself, my life and him for years but couldn’t fully admit how entrenched I had become… with him having torn apart my house and his kids depending on me to keep providing for their needs, I just couldn’t bring myself to admit the abuse until I was diagnosed with a heart murmur, high blood pressure and malnutrition. After he had torn my living room floor down to the dirt below in an attempt to repair the joists and then showed up drunk and still expecting me to allow him to work and PAY him for doing more damage to my home, my life and my health, I had to surrender. That was the end. I had sacrificed so much just trying to keep going until I couldn’t go another day. It’s been nearly a year since that happened and although my health & my finances have recovered pretty well, my home is still in need of much repair, my head still gets tweaky & I get nauseous when I think of him and I don’t think I’ll ever get back my trust & belief in the goodness of love.

    Thank you for all your trust & sharing Carrie, and thank you for blazing a trail of healing for me & so many others. Your awareness and insights helped me get back up on my feet when I was just a quivering mass of pain & confusion.

    To all others in pain due to narcissistic abuse ~
    Stay strong, keep on keepin’ on. There will be better tomorrows.


    1. O. thank you so much, i am honored to have been able to help you get back on your feet. You have come a long way since you started coming here. You should be very proud of yourself!


  2. I was so astonished reading your post, I don’t know what to say! Maybe you’re a much more loving person than I am. I wish you’d nailed his ass to wall like he deserved! But you did what you thought was best at the time, and stood by your man. Understandable, but too bad he wasn’t a good man! Here’s a great old song for you! Enjoy Sweetheart!


    1. Only Me, I have always loved that song, even though it is a bunch of bull crap! LOL Boy have music videos ever changed!!
      I have always been the type of person (you wouldn’t know it now with the blog) who didn’t air her dirty laundry. I would never argue in front of people or let on anything was wrong in front of people. I never told a soul what was going on for almost the whole 10 years, I did feel disloyal, I knew I wouldn’t leave or if I did I would go back so I wasn’t going to make a big stand and then back down. With the other women I have always had the approach that I didn’t have to compete for a man and if there was one thing i would never do it would be to act like some crazed psycho in front of the other woman. Calm cool and collected, make him look like an asshole and liar by being so sweet butter would melt in my mouth. I was that way with all my exs. It used to amaze me when I would be dating some guy and his ex wife would come out of the house looking like something the cat dragged in and screaming like a fish wife about something he had done or not done (like if he was dropping off the kids or something). It just made them look bad and he looked better. Everyone always says their ex was an asshole psycho etc, i always made sure that I never proved my exs right.
      I always looked my best and was sweet as sugar. If I would have lost it on those women and gone off about what an asshole he was they would have wanted him more. By being sweet and innocent their conscience would have eaten away at them if they had done anything. I know for a fact that both those women disappeared from his life.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Justme, yes of course there is hope. I have recovered and many other women are well on their way or there. It takes time and effort on your part though. keep reading and if you aren’t yet, go no contact!! No contact is the first and biggest step to healing.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think this is a perfect post on ‘how the co-dependant enables the narc’.

    Enabling narc behaviour (that is: rationalizing it away, covering it up, delusional thinking) is *not* love. It’s co-dependant behaviour and a toxic tango, especially when the dance ‘partner’ is a malignant narcissist. It can end in a paranoid ‘folie à deux’.

    I can say it loud and clear, ’cause I’ve been there, done that myself. If someone would have told me two years ago that I’d put up with such behaviour and even engage in crazy-making behaviour myself by ENABLING it, I would have laughed out loud! Today, I am wiser.


    1. Alice, I have a really hard time with the word “co-dependent” I always think it blames the victim. you are probably right, because being with a narcissist will make a person co-dependent. I know I wasn’t when I went into the relationship but I sure was when I got out.
      I would not do those things now either, most of the acting on my part came in the last two years, up until then I was still standing my ground. But when I went back to him the last time I vowed to him and myself that I was not leaving again, it was for life and I meant it and I thought he did also. Then I became totally dependent on him when the house I was buying got sold or whatever the hell happened there and I was stuck, or so I thought. Something died inside me when that house deal fell through. That was a pivotal moment in our relationship, it was when we both knew he had won.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think most of my acting was pretending not to be upset by his actions so he wouldn’t get violent again. Or going along with his craziness, so he wouldn’t flip out on me or the kids. Pretending to be happy so as not to give him a reason. I learned to agree with everything, and even expound upon it.
    It makes me feel ill when I think about it.


    1. Threekids, oh yeah, I lied my face off to my son, he still doesn’t know the half of it. I knew he would kill James and i wasn’t worried about James, I didn’t want my kid going to jail and ruining his life over my stupid mistakes. And then to just try to keep James happy. I would expound on any little thing he did that was even close to nice, anything that wasn’t nasty I praised and conjoled just trying to avoid a fight.
      It makes me sick to think about it also. who was that woman?

      Liked by 2 people

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