So, Did Anyone Listen?

I did it! I was so proud of myself. I really was. I had all this self doubt after the interview, that I didn’t say everything I wanted to say, that I had my notes and didn’t look at them once and missed things but when I listened to the whole thing, I had a huge smile on my face and it stayed there all night.

My son text messaged that I had done good and that was the icing on the cake, Then I took Stella for a walk because I couldn’t sit still, we celebrated by sharing a bag of beef jerky while we walked. (she really heels well when I have a bag of jerky in my hand) I felt like yelling to the world “I did it and it wasn’t awful!!” I couldn’t stop smiling.

My son said the whole interview was well done the guy interviewing me asked good questions and he though it was all very professional sounding.

There was two parts I wasn’t prepared for didn’t really answer the way I would have liked. One was to do with religion. He said that my belief in God was a big part of my healing and I clarified that and said that it was a big part of why I stayed and James had used it to manipulate me; which is very true. After James and I split it was one of the things I missed the most, he had taken my faith and I had nothing, I believed in nothing and had no hope, I wanted to believe in God, I had drawn a lot of strength from it in the past, but I could not find it in me, it was dead. I have never found that faith since, not that deep, putting all my faith in God kinda blind faith. I believe in a higher power, I believe we all are here for a reason and we all have a purpose to fulfill. I have yet to come to terms with how I define religion and God now. If that makes sense. It is not that I don’t believe in God or blame God for what happened, it is that James used it to manipulate me, his mother, other people who crossed his path. Plus I relied on God to give me signs what I should do and we interpret things the way we want to interpret them and that was a mistake, that is not God’s fault, it is mine. I used religion as a crutch in a way, a reason to stay because I wanted to stay. I don’t usually talk much about religionm because it is a touchy subject so I will leave it there. I just wanted to clarify but i don’t know that i did. LOL and that was at the end when Eddie said that I had saved lives through my blog. I felt very uncomfortable with that, that is an awfully big statement to make. I didn’t know how to respond to that and didn’t answer maybe the way I would have liked. There are some people who have come here that hold a special place in my heart. People email me or comment on the blog that I saved their life and I don’t take that literally, I believe they would have survived without me, I don’t have a God complex and think I am saving lives, I HOPE that I am helping people have better lives and saving some people from the excruciating pain I felt or from spending any more time with the N. I hope I give answers that enable a person to move on and I hope I give some people hope.  I care for everyone and I hope I help everyone in some small way but there are a handful of people I truly feared would never break away and I was genuinely fearful for their lives; and lost sleep worrying about them trying to think of some way to get through to them. I feel a bond with those people that is very special to me and well, I can’t put words to it and I suppose that is why I didn’t know what to say during the interview. Saving people’s lives sounds so theatrical and self serving but if I have helped someone save their own life then I am honored and  grateful to have been able to do it. To me that would be the greatest reward for what I went through.

Anyway, if you did catch it what did you think? I am waiting to hear from Eddie about whether it is available as a podcast for those who missed it and want to listen.

Love and hugs to you all.

Advertisements

54 thoughts on “So, Did Anyone Listen?

  1. Yes, I listened last night to the whole show. You did a fantastic job! I’m so glad the host took time to read your blog; it was clear he “got it” and wasn’t patronizing you or attempting to slip you up. (That happened to me when I did the HuffPost Live show.) Ypu were confident and articulate and firm. You did a good job of correcting him about the God and religion element. One of the reasons I had a hard time following your blog in the beginning (three years ago) is because James and his behaviors reminded me so much of my ex. They’re pitiful. I just hope more and more people are moved to consider the relevance and importance of learning about anti-social personalities before it’s too late. 🙂 ❤

    Like

    • Oh Paula, thank you! your opinion means so much to me because I admire the work you do to raise awareness so much. If we keep speaking out more people have to listen, they HAVE to! I remember that interview you did they did give you a very hard time, my heart went out to you, but you handled well. I agree Eddie did a great job, I felt totally at ease and he had done his homework which made it so much easier. It was a great experience. Thank you for listening!
      Hugs and love to you!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Just to let everyone know, the interview is now hosted on:

    http://eddiecabot.blogspot.com/p/imho-radio.html

    I want to thank Carrie again for coming on. This was such an important show and she was so open and sharing about her experiences. Hopefully we helped reach some people out there, either those in these kinds of relationships themselves, or those who want to better understand and be able to support friends or loved ones that are experiencing this.

    THANK YOU so much,
    Niceguy Eddie

    Liked by 1 person

    • Eddie, like Paula said, you did your homework and that made it so much easier for me. i truly appreciate your professionalism and sincere effort to raise awareness. I can be proud to share the link to it.
      It was my pleasure!

      Like

    • Wonderful interview!!!carrie you said all the right things .i am so happy to be free again I thank God everyday for getting me out of that marriage. You were my life savour..
      Jean

      Like

  3. I can see how it would make you uncomfortable but you have saved lives. I thought about suicide multiple times a day before discovering your blog. And what about the women that you helped see the light before they went back? And back? And back? Because we all know it escalates. I am certain you have saved lives.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Firehorse, when I think you were contemplating suicide it makes me so sad but glad that you found something here that stopped you from going through with it. I know what it feels like to feel that hopeless and you are such a lovely person, the world needs you and for certain the N does not deserve someone dying over him.
      Thank you again for letting me know I made a difference.
      i am feeling very blessed.

      Like

      • Well Carrie. He was gas lighting the hell out of me. And not only was he telling me that I was fucking crazy every day but so were his friends, his family, his coworkers and since he was so good…my friends, my family, my coworkers. I was being told from every single side that I was crazy and then I found your blog. Right there on your home page what did I read and I think of this line from you every single day…..you are not crazy. You will never know how much your words meant to me. I am extremely thankful to have found your blog.

        Like

        • Oh! Plus I was just starting to have an inkling that narcissists even existed. I had never heard of them other than I thought they were people with big egos. So to find this blog and article and article….that’s him, that’s him, that’s him. Do often it’s like I could have written any of these from my own experience. This blog has simply been a life changer for me.

          Like

          • Firehorse, I am so glad !!! Stay strong, you are doing so well.
            That is the thing, once victims know what they are dealing with they are able to make smart choices and save themselves, that is why I speak out.
            big hugs

            Like

  4. Carrie, I have just listened to your interview with Eddie. I think you have pointed out pretty almost aspect of this kind of person and the consequences of a relationship with them and how they affect our whole lives.
    Brava for being able to verbalise one of the most difficult issue: why people stay and even go back more times and how they manage to confuse and brainwash their target until you doubt yourself and can’t distinguish true from false quiet anymore.
    I do appreciate also the suggestions to friends of someone involved with those extremely dangerous and harmful people and how to support.
    It has a very really well managed interview.
    You did a great job. I am sure this is another important step to awareness and enlightenment to people who are dealing/have dealt with it and for the lucky ones who would never even know that it exists.
    Congrats.
    Ciao

    Like

  5. P.s. I would like to add a suggestion for the next steps: people are not believed when trying to speak it out and that causes additional damage. It is invalidating and it make them stuck into the fog and the trauma. This is something we could work on. I do believe we have to know and stand for the truth even if we are the only one, releasing and try to leave others approval back our shoulders even if it is hard and frustrating.
    Ciao

    Like

    • Rosi. thank you for listening and your comments. I am so pleased that i made sense. as you were saying in your comment, so many times the victim is not believed or sounds unstable and i was very nervous about sounding crazy or as i have been called “a flake”. it is so demoralizing and sends the victim into their shell when they do speak out and ridiculed or not believed or the abuse is minimized. To try to explain the effect the abuse has on a person is so difficult but i do feel a responsibility to try and i am relieved that I made sense. if we ever want this kind of abuse to end the victims; when able, need to speak out and raise awareness in their own way.
      It is hard enough to leave the abuser, but when no one believes you and then they believe the lies the narcissist is telling; well it is sometimes more than the victim can handle. That breaks my heart. That is true torture.
      When I started the blog i was afraid to tell what i had experienced because i didn’t think people would believe me and would ridicule me, think i was nuts. But it was the exact opposite. The more honest I was the more people opened up and said, ‘oMg that happened to me too!” and i was validated.
      i don’t know if you have read the post I did about meeting a woman at a friends house one night. She had an artificial eye and we were talking about donating a kidney to someone who needed it and she was saying that she would be afraid that she would donate a kidney and then something would happen to her good kidney and she would die because she had given one away and she related it to losing her eye, at least she could still see because she had one good eye.
      I asked her what happened to her eye, how she lost it. She was a very beautiful woman, inside and out, you could barely tell her eye was not her own and i had thought there was something different, maybe a lazy eye. Anyway she was hesitant at first and just said she had an accident with a broom. Being who I am i didn’t let it go and questioned her on how she had an accident with a broom??? It came out that she had been in an abusive relationship and her husband had been angry with her and threw the corn broom at her and it hit her in the face and the bristles of the broom pierced her eye, taking her eye right our of the socket. Her ex did take her to the hospital and I guess the hospital called the police. Her ex said the broom broke and it was an accident but the police went to the house and the broom was intact, he had purposely pushed the broom into her face. He was charged. She said she went to court with him, walked in holding his hand and he got off; the abuse did not stop. long story short, we talked, her and I like there was no one else in the room.
      All I said was, “I understand.’ and it was like the flood gates opened. She spilled out all the pent up fears, self doubt, pain of years of abuse and we cried together. She was remarried to a really good guy but she said she had never talked to anyone about it. None of the other people there even knew anything about it and had known her for years. No one else spoke a word all night, they sat gripped by what was transpiring before their eyes, by what they were hearing, what they never knew about their friend. And then one of the guys spoke up and said he had watched his mother being abused and he cried. later my girl friend said it was an amazing experience to witness. it was almost 4 am when i looked at the clock and then at her and we smiled and both kinda sheepishly said we had better get going. We hugged and cried and the young guy joined us. it was one of the most meaningful evenings of my life. She said she didn’t even know she was packing all that pain inside. She said that her ex was dropping off the kids one night and her new husband was in the bedroom, her ex was angry about something and took a step towards her and panicked and ran. She said she peed herself she was so afraid but she had gone to court with him and she could never understand why she did it, was ashamed and it was such a relief to be able to talk about it and not be judged or criticized.
      whenever i am criticized or not believed i remember that woman and now the women and men on here. I no longer feel I have to justify myself, it may hurt a little or be frustrating when someone doesn’t even try to understand but I don’t take it personally, I know they are shallow, people and sometimes you can’t fix stupid and that is no reflection on me.
      Some day you will run into someone who will need you to understand and you will listen and if all victims do that, eventually the narcissists of the world will be the ones hiding. i hope anyway.
      Sorry for the long response. i tend to be long winded at times. Lol
      big hugs

      Like

  6. I just heard your interview. Yup…you did good. 🙂
    I couldn’t help but think, when he said that your story/blog sounds like a movie and something Stephen King wrote, that it could be a really good idea to write a screenplay.

    Lifetime would love it.

    I enjoyed listening to you and heard some things I hadn’t known…probably missed some posts. It’s really creepy and scary the malice behind the actions.

    I loved when he asked “How does someone trust again?” My immediate thought was, “You don’t.”

    Thing is some never do while others don’t think about it and go right back into it with someone new and wind up in the same basic situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Safire, thanks for taking the time to listen to it, it means a lot that you think i did good. 🙂 I think the key to trusting again is not to trust the other person but to trust yourself. And in order to trust yourself you have to know yourself very well and live true to yourself. The narcissist fine tuned our bullshit detecting skills, i am sure i would not get sucked in by him if i met him today with the knowledge i have now. It most definitely would not have gone on for 10 years.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Very good point! To trust yourself. And I suppose maybe that’s why I’m not ready or have any interest. That’s certainly part of it. But as you stated…somewhere…I think it was the interview. That being alone can really be enjoyable. You don’t have to worry about checking in with someone else, come and go as you please, etc.

        I had a habit of choosing unavailable men and then questioning myself and contributing to the turmoil and chaos too. Most of my ‘romantic’ relationships were like roller coaster rides in one way or another. So I’m pretty exhausted.

        And I come from an emotionally abusive home as well…with a bit of physical abuse peppered in there too, which I think led me to seek attention from people I had a tough time getting it from and that were a ‘challenge’ in one way or another.

        I really related to the part in the interview where you talked about how you felt at 6 years old, standing in front of your dad feeling stupid. I know it was referring to how James could do that to you, but my father used to do the same to me. It was never said outright. He never ever called me a name. But the message was there with his actions, tone of voice, and even between the words. I remember when I brought home bad report cards or tests, he’d say thing like, “Now if you were stupid I’d understand this grade, but you are not stupid.” The impatience and disgust seething from between his teeth, looking down at me, as a 6 YEAR OLD!

        But then the next minute, hour or day be telling me I can do whatever I want to do.

        I have a lot to muddle through and have many things written. I have been apprehensive about putting it out there though.

        All that being said however, I don’t really think anyone fine tuned the bs radar for us. I think we learned or relaized it after the fact. You know…hindsight being 20/20 and all that. I think we fine tuned it our own selves. And I’m not sure how fine tuned mine is, but I have learned a lot about what to look for as far as someone being real or not. I also don’t think that I wouldn’t be able to tell that on date number one, unless they were over the top sweet or asking me to get married already. Lol.

        Like

        • Safire, your father sounds a lot like mine. I have said before that I stopped talking to my dad from my mid 30’s until, well, he died last year. But he would “joke” say something to embarrass me, or my brother or my mom (not so much my brother but definitely my mom and me) and then laugh and say, “oh you are so sensitive, can’t take a joke, no sense of haha.” exact words. He would withdraw affection if he was pissed at you, refuse to talk to you, “Get out of my face, I don’t even want to look at you.” exact words
          he searched my room and found all my personal journals and poetry, the kind of stuff a 13 yr old girl writes, about loving some guy etc and he called a meeting, I had to sit in the lazyboy chair, it had a hanging lamp above it and the rest of the family sat in the couch and he read all my personal stuff for the whole family to hear and he laughed. I stopped writing after that, until I started the blog. So any compliments I get on the blog truly mean the world to me. I am excepted no matter what I write and no one calls me stupid or laughs unless I write something funny. I really think all these years I was meant to write but he killed it for me, for so many years. I have lots of great memories of my dad too, fun times, he could be really good to us kids, but if you pissed him off. With James I felt just like I did when my dad would be mad at me and tell me to get out of his face, I just wanted to grovel and make him love me again.
          When James would be yelling at me about money that he said I was spending that I wasn’t and demanding receipts etc it took me back 30 years to when my mom would be at the kitchen table trying to do the household finances and my dad would be yelling at her about mismanaging the money and she would be crying. I used to tell myself that I would never be in that position. And for most of my adult life I always made more money than the man I was with. I don’t know if it was a conscience decision on my part. I was the one who owned the home, I made more money, I paid the bills and kept track of the money and if I decided the relationship was over, I had the house and he had to move out. I got really sick of being the one responsible for everything and I had girlfriends who met guys that spoiled them, my mom’s 2nd husband spoiled her, so when I met James and he was “nothing like my dad” and he wanted to take care of me I willingly handed over the control of the money,or at least was prepared to share the responsibility; little did I know what I was signing up for.
          I think things from our childhood get so embedded that if a person knows how to push your buttons you really are unable to prevent it unless you are super aware of your inner demons and catch the early signs.
          I can not pick up on what a guy is like on the first date, but I really take my time now and am very aware and can pick up on stuff that I would have brushed aside before. I don’t give 3rd and 4th chances any more. And yes! I love my life and I don’t want to share it right now. In my experience I was always the one to do more, give more, make more, and it does seem to fall on the woman to keep the house clean, even if it is asking the guy to help, it is me asking for help, not him just doing it. If I come home and the house is a mess, it’s because I left it in a mess when I went out. If I want to grab something to eat and not cook supper I do. I like my freedom and I can’t see ever wanting to give that up but never say never. But like i said in the interview and on here at different times, I like myself the most I ever have and am the most self aware I have ever been and i live true to myself and am honestly my best self I can be. I don’t do things for approval any more, if I do something for someone it is from a place of just wanting to do something nice and not because I want them to like me or accept me. I have asked my son a few times if I ever did anything to screw him up. LOL I am sure there most be somethings and I would apologize all over myself if he ever told me of something. I really tried to never be negative and accepted him for who he was and not who I wanted him to be. Because he was himself, i didn’t have any preconceived idea of what i wanted my son to be like. he turned out to be a great honest man i am proud of. So many parents without even realizing totally screw up their children, I tried so hard to not be like my dad that I probably screwed my son up that way! who knows.

          Like

          • Wow! I remember reading about your dad doing that to you with your journals. That’s really f’d up and I’ve read that about other fathers too. I will say, thankfully, mine never did that and in fact my writing was something my father complimented me on. In fact he didn’t insult outright anyway.

            But he did cross plenty of boundaries like for example, entering my room without knocking no matter my age.

            And when I told him I think it was time he start knocking before entering he’d knock and then walk in without giving me a chance to say anything.

            There were times he’d act childish too. One Christmas I had a bunch of stocking stuffers for my mom but no stocking.

            I found hers somewhere as my mom was dragging out all the decor and putting it out.

            So while I was standing there talking to my mom with stocking in my hand, my father came in looking for it too.

            He asked where it was and I said, “It’s right here.” I figured I could stuff it, then hand it over to him.

            He grabbed it out of my hand in silence with a huff and turned and stormed/stomped away.

            I find myself acting like him sometimes too and it’s a damn good thing I never had kids. From the time I was 13 I said I wouldn’t. One reason was in fact I was too afraid I’d mess ’em up.

            I see my dad in me too. And I hate it. I am pretty self aware though myself and will also apologize when I act like an ass, whether I come to my own conclusion or called out.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Sorry, I also meant to say…sorry you when through that kind of thing with your father. At 13 (in my mind now) you’re still a little kid. Ok, maybe not a LITTLE kid…but seriously young. I can’t imagine how mortifying that must have been to have what you wrote read out loud but laughed at too.

            That’s no way for a parent to act.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Safire, my dad was his own special breed. lol He was too generous to be a narcissist and i know he had a conscience, but i think maybe Borderline or something. he had some pretty warped ideas. It was devastating for me when he did that, he would “shame” you, he only ever hit me once, slapped me across the face until I peed myself but he would threaten to ‘beat your ass” and it was the compiling of evidence against you and then the interrogation, the build up was the worst. But he was a prison guard and ran his house like he did the prison.
              As little kids he was a great dad, always taking me fishing, hunting, on motorcycle trips with him
              he was really good to his mom and his sister, always lots of gifts at Christmas and for birthdays and such. He had a great sense of humor and loved to dance, him and my mom took me to dances with them when I was in my early teens and i always loved dancing with my dad. lots of great memories, when i got pregnant at 16, my mom wanted to send me away but he insisted I stay home if I wanted and he never acted ashamed of me. My mom was so worried about what the neighbors would think. he was the one who stayed right beside my bed while I was in labor for two days. There was another teenage girl having a baby at the same time and she was also giving her baby up for adoption but she was in the general ward with all the other happy moms so he arranged for her to be brought into my room so we didn’t have to suffer through all the happy couples holding their babies etc. he made sure I got to hold my baby before they took him away. Things that a narc would never do.
              But he could be such a bastard at times. I went to years of counselling because of him, and it was never his fault, he never said sorry. his favorite line was ‘do as I say, not as I do.”
              I was so afraid of screwing up my kid that I went to a counselor just to run things past the counselor to make sure I handled situations properly. one thing i have always done is admit when I am wrong and apologize. i have had to apologize to my son more than a few times, we all screw up, we are human, i think it is important for a kid to learn how to admit when they are wrong and say sorry.
              For what it’s worth, I think you would have made an awesome mom. Not that i think everyone should have kids, i am glad i only had to raise one, especially as a single mom.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Aw thanks. And wow…about your dad. Now see that’s what I’ve dealt with too as far as kindness and then…well, let’s call it what it is…the abuse.

                My father would run hot and then cold. It became confusing…still is really. So yeah I think you’re right about our fathers having some things in common as far as how they may have effected us.

                I understand that parents can’t be perfect but abuse is just that. But when good memories come crashing in I feel sad and even guilty for my ambiguous feelings.

                My father also smacked me hard across the face once when I was about 3…for lying to him. I lied because I was afraid the truth would get me in trouble. Ironic huh? I still don’t believe a 3 year old deserves a hard smack in the face for that though.

                I was physically abused by a teacher in first grade though and never told me parents. Even then I remembered my father telling stories about being smacked around in school by teachers. He told his parents ONCE and then never again because he got it from his parents for giving the teacher a reason in the first place.

                I never cut ties with my father. He’s gone now and taking care of him was stressful when he was terminal because I was bullied horribly by my siblings. My mother (having been divorced from my father for years at that point) became a flying monkey against me. So it was after he passed I severed ties with all of them gradually.

                They still have my contact info and I have only blocked them on FB. So it’s not like they can’t reach me. I guess that makes me basically “no response.”

                But either way I needed and still need to be away from them to sort me out.

                I think that’s really awesome what your dad did when you first gave birth. It sounds like he did a lot of thoughtful and loving things.

                As for my pop I think BPD as well. Because he would apologize for some things and did seem to have a conscious at times. BUT I also saw him do some shit that showed otherwise. Like kick a dog that wandered into our yard one afternoon. I could see the rage on his face as he swung and connected. I was devastated. He never acknowledged it again. Neither did I and as far as I know there was never an apology to the neighbors whose dog it was.

                But he seemed to like animals. He grew up with a dog, I grew up with a dog and many cats. Later, in early adulthood I had a little dog and he would take her for a walk.

                So it was a bit crazy making. So my feelings for him were so I guess kind of roller coaster like and as I said, I’m very confused about him still.

                I miss my mom sometimes too, but I really feel betrayed by her though given the conversation we had one day, which she seemed to understand where I was coming from and the next day she called to twist my arm into a decision and acted as if the previous conversation never took place.

                She also excused away my brother’s rage at me one day, saying it was “just an emotional reaction.” And didn’t have one ounce of empathy about it toward me. Never mind that I felt completely physically threatened, while he towered over me shouting down my neck.

                I could go on with double standards and scapegoating. But I’ll stop.

                Like

  7. thank you for the compliment Carrie….so im at work (I work by myself) and I have the music cranked to the 70’s channel (showing my age there lol) and I cant stop giggling….too funny …. “why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?” The Carpenters….when I think of it this way, I find the humour in how he perceives himself…and well….I just gotta laugh

    Like

    • Lost, good for you! I think you will find you laugh even more than you used to. laughing is so good for a person and once the oppressive cloud of the narc is lifted you feel so light and free, it just makes you happy. LOL

      Like

  8. Hi Carrie I am moving into my new place this weekend, I want to sit on my balcony with a glass of wine and listen to your interview. Can you send me the link again.
    Thank you
    CJ or jean

    Like

  9. Hi Carrie..I am in my new home and loving it…I am so happy to be on my own and starting over. I just finished listening to the interview and it was wonderful ..I would love to email it to my divorce group leader and my friends but I don’t know how. She was also a victim of a N and we support each other . I am still in no contact only communication is email with lawyer copied about the house. I am sure he is busy with his new victim so he doesn’t bother me. Once the house is sold I will block his number and email thank you again for being our champion!!
    Love to you
    Jean

    Like

    • Jean, i am so happy to hear you sounding so happy!! if you want to send it to friends and your divorce group leader you just have to copy and paste the site address into the email. even if you just tell them to go to In My humble Opinion, with Eddie Cabot, I am sure they will find it.
      I am flattered you want to share it!
      hugs

      Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s