I did it! I was so proud of myself. I really was. I had all this self doubt after the interview, that I didn’t say everything I wanted to say, that I had my notes and didn’t look at them once and missed things but when I listened to the whole thing, I had a huge smile on my face and it stayed there all night.
My son text messaged that I had done good and that was the icing on the cake, Then I took Stella for a walk because I couldn’t sit still, we celebrated by sharing a bag of beef jerky while we walked. (she really heels well when I have a bag of jerky in my hand) I felt like yelling to the world “I did it and it wasn’t awful!!” I couldn’t stop smiling.
My son said the whole interview was well done the guy interviewing me asked good questions and he though it was all very professional sounding.
There was two parts I wasn’t prepared for didn’t really answer the way I would have liked. One was to do with religion. He said that my belief in God was a big part of my healing and I clarified that and said that it was a big part of why I stayed and James had used it to manipulate me; which is very true. After James and I split it was one of the things I missed the most, he had taken my faith and I had nothing, I believed in nothing and had no hope, I wanted to believe in God, I had drawn a lot of strength from it in the past, but I could not find it in me, it was dead. I have never found that faith since, not that deep, putting all my faith in God kinda blind faith. I believe in a higher power, I believe we all are here for a reason and we all have a purpose to fulfill. I have yet to come to terms with how I define religion and God now. If that makes sense. It is not that I don’t believe in God or blame God for what happened, it is that James used it to manipulate me, his mother, other people who crossed his path. Plus I relied on God to give me signs what I should do and we interpret things the way we want to interpret them and that was a mistake, that is not God’s fault, it is mine. I used religion as a crutch in a way, a reason to stay because I wanted to stay. I don’t usually talk much about religionm because it is a touchy subject so I will leave it there. I just wanted to clarify but i don’t know that i did. LOL and that was at the end when Eddie said that I had saved lives through my blog. I felt very uncomfortable with that, that is an awfully big statement to make. I didn’t know how to respond to that and didn’t answer maybe the way I would have liked. There are some people who have come here that hold a special place in my heart. People email me or comment on the blog that I saved their life and I don’t take that literally, I believe they would have survived without me, I don’t have a God complex and think I am saving lives, I HOPE that I am helping people have better lives and saving some people from the excruciating pain I felt or from spending any more time with the N. I hope I give answers that enable a person to move on and I hope I give some people hope. I care for everyone and I hope I help everyone in some small way but there are a handful of people I truly feared would never break away and I was genuinely fearful for their lives; and lost sleep worrying about them trying to think of some way to get through to them. I feel a bond with those people that is very special to me and well, I can’t put words to it and I suppose that is why I didn’t know what to say during the interview. Saving people’s lives sounds so theatrical and self serving but if I have helped someone save their own life then I am honored and grateful to have been able to do it. To me that would be the greatest reward for what I went through.
Anyway, if you did catch it what did you think? I am waiting to hear from Eddie about whether it is available as a podcast for those who missed it and want to listen.
Love and hugs to you all.