Try Being An Observer In Your Own Life

Just for a while, a day even, or longer if you really want to learn something about yourself, remove yourself from the action and look at yourself as an observer instead of a participant in your life.

What I mean is instead of reacting to the things going on in your life, just sit back and observe what is going on. If your ex N is trying to get a reaction from you, instead of going with your first reaction which will more than likely either be anger or hurt; don’t react. Remove yourself and observe what your body is telling you?, what is your mind telling you?, what is your gut telling you? Now listen to the narcissist from an intellectual stand point not an emotional one, look at him without the rose-colored glasses, without any self talk or excuses, just from the facts you have about him, not how your heart feels but by what your brain knows. You don’t have to do anything, ever, without taking the time to think about the decision you are making.

So many times the victim of the narcissist feels pressured to make hasty decisions, he wants you back and you are afraid that if you don’t say yes, he will walk out of your life. That is your heart, your fears, your insecurities talking; that is not intellectual, what your brain knows, or what your gut is telling you. Intellectually you should know that if this is true love and he is sincere, you taking a day or two to think about it; or a month or two for that matter, is not going to send him flying into another woman’s arms. If that is your fear and that is why you want to say yes; then you really have to figure out why you want to stay with a man you know does not love you enough to wait until you are sure of your decision. No normal human being is in love with one person one day and finds their soul mate the next. It/ Just/ Does/ Not/ Happen/

Take it farther than just the narcissist, be an observer in every aspect of your life. If you get pissed off at your kids, instead of immediately reacting, do nothing. Think about what you are feeling, are you angry or are you disappointed, or afraid? So many times a person’s “go-to” reaction to a situation is anger; but rarely is anger the emotion they are feeling. most times when a person reacts in anger they are hurt or fearful of something; if they take the time to analyze what they are feeling. To react in anger practically never has a positive outcome in any situation and if you are anything like me, after you fly off the handle and calm down, you feel guilty and apologize.

Not very productive and a total waste of emotional energy. By removing yourself from the situation figuratively and if need be physically (the more you do this the faster you can process your thoughts and won’t have to physically remove yourself, but if you feel you can not stay in the immediate vicinity of the other person, just say you need to take time to process what you are feeling and you will be back in say an hour.) I have taken days on occasion in the beginning.

Once you are alone with your thoughts get quiet and take a few deep breaths because you have to relax, at first you will be all pumped up with adrenaline because your fight or flight reflex kicked into high gear. It is really hard to walk away when someone hurts you or angers you, you want to defend yourself, attack back, respond! But that is part of what got you in so deep with the narcissist. Him pushing your buttons, you having a knee jerk reaction, him making you feel guilty, and he is still in control. See how that works?

What this exercise is doing is teaching you to identify exactly what you are feeling and then deciding on an appropriate response that you will not regret later. It is much easier to make a logical and rational decision if you are not in a state of heightened emotions. You have to learn to shut off your emotions for a minute, yes it can be done!! If a hot head like me can learn to control my temper so can you! and take deep breaths, clear your head and look at it as an observer.

Ask yourself:

– What am I feeling, fear? hurt? jealousy?
– Am I justified? (some times we aren’t)
– What can I do to feel better?
– What would make it ok for me?

See how you are in control of how you feel and making yourself feel better? Once you know what you are feeling and you know that those feelings are justified, you can identify what will make you feel better. i have found that many times I will be upset about something but when I take time to name what I am feeling, just the time away from the heat of the moment to clear my head and calm down, is all I needed, because my anger had nothing to do with the incident at hand but more to do with something else that happened that day, or it was triggered by some memory from the past.

If you can identify why you are feeling the way you are and express it like:
I am feeling very hurt because I asked you to be home for dinner and you weren’t and you didn’t call. (you are talking to your teenagers now 🙂 I feel disrespected because you didn’t feel you should call and let me know.

Do you see how that is so much more productive than screaming at them that they are inconsiderate slobs who never show you any respect and you are tired of working all day and coming home to a mess, cooking supper and they can’t even take the time to give you a call. Well they are grounded now!!

By getting in touch with what you are really feeling and discussing what you are feeling you are living true to yourself, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and giving the other person the opportunity to deal with the REAL issue and alter their behavior. Of course this does not work with the narcissist, but it does make all of your other relationships more pleasant and brings you much closer.

Let’s look at another scenario, you are have gone no contact and are doing very well but tonight you are fighting with the phone. You are ready to dial that number, you can’t stop yourself. Stop! step away and be an observer for a few minutes. What are you feeling? you are not allowed to say “I love him” “I miss him”, those are not complete answers. Ask yourself;

– What do I hope to accomplish by phoning him?

– What can I say I haven’t said a hundred times before?

– How often do you call and get off the phone feeling better?

– Is this phone call going to fix your problem?

– What will fix my problem? anything?

– What can I do to make myself feel better?

What you are doing when you do this, is learning to self sooth, realize that the other person can not fix you or make you feel better about yourself, only you can do that.

I think it was Eckert Tolle that said in order for a person to have a peaceful life they have to live true to themselves. Part of the control the narcissist has and part of the reason the victim has such a hard time breaking away is; the victim starts to compromise their core beliefs, they have allowed someone (the N) to cross boundaries and they are not at peace with themselves inside. In order to have true peace in your life you must have all areas of your life reflect your core beliefs and morals. I thought I could stay true to my core values turn a blind eye to the fact that James did not value my beliefs or live by them. But a person can’t, it eats away at them, at their self-worth, they don’t like themselves and soon they rely on the N for their self-worth because they are living in his value system not their own.

The narcissist knows that if he can get you to compromise your principles he is going to be able to break you.

Allowing the abuse to continue is one of the biggest boundaries you allowed him to cross, you need him to approve of you, love you, to justify breaking one of your core values.

When a person makes decisions rashly, in the heat of anger, fear or anxiety they rarely make wise choices or if they do make good choices they second guess them once they calm down; that is why it is so important to learn to name what you are truly feeling and make decisions from a calm centered place. The last thing you want to do is feel guilty because the narc will zero in on that guilt and manipulate you with it, sure as shooting. I know, I have been there!

That’s why it is never a good idea to try to beat the N at his own game, tit for tat never works with a narcissist because we feel guilty and he doesn’t. If your N was anything like James, the neighbors only ever heard your voice during fights, James would almost whisper his insults, I would try to walk away and he would have one more zinger to lay on me as I walked away. something like <“You know I am right, that’s why you walk away, you can’t face the truth.”

Invariably I would bite the bait and have to defend myself, my voice getting louder and higher pitched with every one of his attacks, until I sounded like the psycho bitch he told everyone I was and then I would hate myself for losing control. So what do you do when the narc just won’t leave you alone and keeps badgering you until you break? You leave the relationship is what you do. Because a loving partner would not bait you like that, a healthy person would respect your right to walk away and collect your thoughts, a loving partner would not be accusing you of things you are not doing. If this is going on in your relationship, it is toxic. Get out.

I have an interesting realization the other day, that kinda pertains to this sort of thing. I am sure you all remember they moved my boat back 2 slips because someone complained about Stella barking. Then my neighbor called me over and confessed it was his wife and that she works graveyard shift and that is why she had complained. He was very apologetic and I thanked him for his honesty. But he said something else that I didn’t may much attention to at the time.

He said “In all honesty, I don’t think it had much to do with the dog and more to do with you.”

I took it to mean that I had been more annoying trying to coax stella into the boat than stella. But now that my boat has been moved I have been paying more attention to what is going on around me. When I moved into the boat everyone was very welcoming and friendly, introduced themselves etc including the husband that talked to me about the complaint, but his wife never was friendly. I hardly ever saw her and if she did leave the boat when I was outside she never said hi or even looked at me. I assumed she was shy or just not a friendly person. Her husband always said hi or made small talk for a few minutes when we were both outside but if she walked up he immediately went in their boat.

But now that I am back two spots and the guy who was behind me is now in front of me I hear her chatting with him all the time, laughing etc. Then it dawned on me what her husband meant. She was jealous of me, afraid that her husband and I would be boinking while she is away working. Which is rather ridiculous, I know she doesn’t know me but it is a marina, we are all only a few feet away from each other, I am sure if there was any kind of hanky panky going on everyone would know about it.

But you see, she reacted to the situation instead of sitting back and thinking logically about it. I don’t know if she has reason to not trust him, but even if she does have just cause, moving my boat is not going to stop him. i am sure he has plenty of opportunity to cheat every day, she can’t be there to intercept every woman who might cross his path, she will drive herself crazy. The problem is not that there are other women in the world besides her, the problem is her husband can’t be faithful. She needs to decide, live with it or not. He is not going to change and she will drive herself crazy trying to prevent something that might or might not happen but is totally out of her control. She can not control what he does, she can voice her need for him to be monogamous, but it is totally up to him whether he respects that or not; then it is on her to decide whether she can live with it or not.

What she has done by over reacting and placing a false complaint against me is make everyone feel sorry for me because I thought it was James, she has made herself look insecure and paranoid to her husband and to me and anyone else who has figured it out, she more than likely is feeling guilty about what she did and perhaps a little foolish and it did no good!! she didn’t fix the problem, she is still jealous and he is still her husband and I am only two boats away.

When you live true to your values and express yourself honestly and are honest with yourself, you can’t help but live a more peaceful life.

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19 thoughts on “Try Being An Observer In Your Own Life

  1. threekidsandi

    I am so glad it was not James.
    I struggled a great deal with what you open this post up with, the anger and the fight or flight. About a year after I left it just got out of control. I did not suspect I had PTSD. I knew my kids had it, but I was working and raising them and functioning, so I thought I must have escaped it. I thought I was crazy. I did not understand why I could not control myself, when I KNEW my reactions were unwarranted. When my son’s doctor explained it to me, I started on a beta blocker. That medication gives me enough time to think, instead of reacting with fight or flight. I can walk away and calm down, instead, because my heart rate never goes up. I also quit coffee. When your adrenals are messed up from all that fight or flight, coffee makes it worse. These are physical issues that feel like emotional issues, but they are treatable, both with the awareness and CBT you talk about, and by medical treatment.
    You are spot on in this post. About all of it.

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    1. safirefalcon

      I gave up coffee too because it was making heart palpitations worse. I know what you mean about the adrenals and all those organs are connected. Mind, heart, adrenals and even the thyroid is effected too. Not to mention hormones.

      Coffee would give me focus in the beginning or on certain days but it eventually dragged me down, making sound sensitivity worse, I’d get agitated more easily, etc.

      I still react but I’ve been making nutritional changes and I’m starting to see a difference.

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      1. threekidsandi

        Yes, it is a process, figuring out how to accommodate the changes in the body after trauma. I wish I had figured it out sooner. This is the sort of thing that should be covered in those basic DV classes they hold after you leave.

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        1. safirefalcon

          Would be nice yeah. They probably have no idea. I remember trying to do a raw food detox because I thought a full body detox was what I needed.

          Little did I know I needed replenishing as much as healing. My hormones were also a mess.

          I couldn’t stay on raw and now realize I needed protein and fat as well as carbs. I made the mistake of binging on junk much of the time, trying to numb myself.

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    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Threekids, I don’t even know where I got the idea of standing back and removing yourself from the situation, I have read so many articles and books, listened to so many podcasts, it all just a jumbled mess in my head. Sometimes I wonder if I am making something up, I am glad you verified I was spot on. LOL

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  2. safirefalcon

    I was just talking about this sort of thing in therapy this morning. I react right away to triggers and then I regret it and find myself apologizing as you said, Carrie.

    I still feel like crap for a while after apologizing too. My therapist suggested I set a timer for 10 minutes. She didn’t really elaborate but I did like the idea.

    I love the ‘observe’ advice.

    I have a book called, “Focusing” which goes into this same thing. It’s actually helped people heal emotional wounds and have better relationships.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Safire and three kids, stress, anxiety, conflict, all; those negative emotions have negative effects on our bodies. That is why women leaving an abusive relationship are 70% more likely to suffer from some chronic health issue. I was told I was anemic when I was with James, but it didn’t surprise me at all seeing as I was living on Tim Horton;s donuts, coffee. and smokes and running on straight nerves.
      By the time I left I was a basket case, my emotions were so erratic, I would get annoyed at the simplest things, poor Kato, and i’d get road rage, I never had before. I could cry at the drop of a hat over nothing, I thought I would never find level again. It was my heart attack that got me eating right. I would think that they would teach how important a proper diet is in DV classes, that surprises me!

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    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Safire, I have blown up, apologized and then thought about it and gotten mad again and blown up and then apologized again!! Gawd I hate that!! James was just pulling those strings and pushing the buttons, he must have really enjoyed that.
      The last time I did the “walk away” thing was with my son last Christmas and I knew I was over reacting but I was having a hell of a time controlling myself. I had the hardest time not emailing him with some long diatribe, or sending 20 text messages. But I let it go and left it for like almost a week and the longer i left it the easier it got and the more in touch with what exactly I was feeling. He ended up calling me and by that time I was totally level and calm. I got to tel him what I had been feeling and i actually apologized for over reacting but I was able to explain why I reacted the way I did calmly, and he was able to listen because I was not attacking him. it ended up being one of the best most open conversations we have ever had. I could really see the benefits of waiting, I try to do it more and more and it is getting easier.

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  3. Only Me

    I am amazed at how often victims of N-Ps, think they are crazy etc. Not me! Fortunately, although my ex-P and one of his flying monkey minions pronounced me to be super crazy to be point of being homicidal psycho bitch or some such…I knew there was no truth in their summation of mer.

    Why? Years ago, long before the P bastard came along, I was struggling to find a job at one, and as my job search was taking longer than I anticipated, I started getting discouraged, and losing my confidence. I went to mental health center employing specialized mental health care providers (actually bonafide, trained and experienced in treating mental health patients!)

    The psychiatric social worker surprised me when she told me that I was NOT sick, and was if anything, stronger and healthier than most people! She said she hadn’t heard me say anything that wasn’t absolutely normal! Good to hear! Shortly after that I did find a job.

    Fast forward a few years, and I became widowed, which was really throwing me…hanging on, I went out, got a job promotion, new apartment, car, the works! But it was so hard having buried my husband, and getting used to being single again. Was I going crazy?

    So, back to the mental health center I went! This time, my doctor was a psychiatrist. He asked me numerous questions like how was I sleeping? Was I thinking about suicide and on and on. The answer to each one was No, not at all, and I also told him about all the changes I was making in my life. New home, making more money, new job etc. Would they clap me in a padded room in a strait jacket?

    To my surprise, the psychiatrist said he agreed completely with everything the psychiatric social worker had told me! Surprise! He said that people cracking up do not behave as I was doing. He said my behavior was very much the that of someone who was making adjustments and moving on with their life! Whew! What a relief hearing that was! He ought to know!

    So, never mind what your psychos, narcissists or sociopaths and others tell you about the state of your mental health! They don’t know! Go to people who trained and qualified to evaluate you!

    Incidentally, 4 1/2 years out post D&D, I’m doing very well! Psycho boy is just a faded memory for me now! I’m meeting new men, and even reconnecting with my first love, who has indicated he’s just as eager to be with me again as I could ever have wished!

    But more important! I’m helping people now, serving on a board to restore civil rights to people who have been disenfranchised. I’m a volunteer coordinator for a political organization, and serving on a central committee to help elect qualified, worthy candidates to office.

    I’m busy and active, loving life and people! Also an avid gardener, growing fresh vegetables that I sometimes donate to food pantries. Life is good! What more could I want than this?

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  4. So Sad

    Hi Carrie another great article . I have a burning question and it’s gnawing away at me , I wonder if you might be able to put my mind at rest or some clarity anyway ..
    I’ve done really well with NC despite my ex stalking me online . Blocked every username he has on FB that I know of , deleted his texts and photos etc BUT he and his new love interest are posting pictures of themselves and comments on Google Hangouts( Google’s equivalent to FB ) which I can’t block, some threatening others goading but obviously aimed at me . Try as I might I can’t stop myself looking & every time I do I regret it , then I question WHY they need to post this stuff in the first place ? for what benefit ? I mean they’re in the same room when they’re posting and commenting to each other online ? Is this his way of trying to in some way get at me ? or a control thing ? He knows I’ve looked in the past but can’t be sure now as my accounts gone. It’s the only thing I’m finding hard to control , not that I’m hurt by any of it . I just would like to understand the reason behind it . x

    Thanks again for the blog , you’re an amazing woman .

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      So sad, Why do they do it? the only reason I can think of is, in hopes of hurting you. Their minds do not work like a normal person as we all know but I believe once they are done with you, they truly hate you. In their mind YOU failed to provide them with enough attention, love and admiration to keep them happy. They don’t see that it is impossible, nothing and no one can ever keep them happy long term. They are empty inside and no one can fill that. I don’t think they realize what it is, but they know they are lacking (yet feel superior because they are not governed by emotions). they meet someone and they have all those hormones whatever flowing and they think this is love or that the person will be able to keep making them feel that way. they are high on hooking the person and for a while they are really happy because of the thrill of the kill thing but eventually the thrill wears off, they know they have you hooked and it gets boring, that is why they have to do something to hurt you and then they see your pain and feel powerful again, even though they were the ones to cause your pain they are your comforter but after awhile nothing works and they start to hate you because you don’t excite them anymore. it would be like getting a new car and being all excited, every time you drive it you feel special, people look at you and you are proud and love to drive your car. But if it is a lemon and starts to break down all the time, you start to not love it any more, you don’t want to drive it because it is a disappointment to you. it no longer makes you feel special. After a while you would hate the car and that is the way he feels about you. In his mind you are a disappointment and useless. What is in his mind really doesn’t matter because it doesn’t make sense, it is all so convoluted that you will never make sense of it. The big question is “What is going through HER head?” If I was the new woman and he was telling me I was the love of his life I would really be wondering why he isn’t just getting on with his wonderful life with me instead of trying to make you jealous or hurt you? If I have ever dated a guy who was always bitching about his ex and stuff I figured he wasn’t over her yet and I hit the road. She is obviously lacking in self esteem and is feeling all superior because she got him and you lost him. little does she know what is to come down the road. She will be regretting everything she is doing right now because one of these days she is going to be on the receiving end and the light will go on.
      Once the victim is of no use to him, he can’t just walk away, he has to loath the person, destroy they, have everyone hate them, it is like if there is anything likable about the person somehow it reflects badly on the narcissist. I don’t understand why, I don’t know if any one does. it is their huge inflated egos can’t handle it. just know it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his sick mind.
      Congrats on going no contact, keep it up!!! hold your head up high and if you see his new woman, if you can muster it, just give her a knowing smile and shake and keep on walking. Because you know something she doesn’t know, she just got on the roller coaster ride from hell.
      Big hugs

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      1. So Sad

        Wow!! Carrie .
        I’ve just reread your reply and it’s all crystal clear now . He literally drained me of every single ounce of emotion , kept on raising the bar to the point where I gave up & he still kept coming back for more even though she was now on the scene . Towards the end of our relationship the violence and the damage was becoming more frequent and aggressive & just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse he wanted me to sleep with other men , posted holiday pictures of me on adult sites ( without my knowledge ) advertising for local men to come to my home so he could watch and offering to cover half the travel costs, even then I was still hoping he would change .
        As for the other woman your right again , she’s taking great pleasure flaunting pictures of them together and has said that she’s got my man . I don’t think he’s finished with me yet ,emotionally he’s still trying to squeeze that last ounce from me , but what he hasn’t realized yet is that he did me the biggest favor of our entire relationship the day he walked out .

        Thanks again for your amazing insight , It’s helped me understand . xx

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        1. Carrie Reimer Post author

          So sad, hold that thought, ‘he did you the greatest favor when he walked out” I feel the same about James, even though I was the one to physically leave he made it impossible for me to stay. I don’t think I ever would have left otherwise. it was the nicest thing he ever did for me, to discard me. Glad i could help you understand.

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          1. So Sad

            Thanks again Carrie , 🙂
            I wish it felt like that, some days seem such a battle, our brains have a nasty habit of forgetting the bad times and remembering the good xx

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  5. fee

    Wow, this is brilliant…funnily enough it is something I started practising myself back in December. I wasn’t strong enough until then. I realised by doing so he never loved me, he blackmailed, humiliated and intimidated me. I was nothing. It hurt. I looked at my son (his son) and realised me asking him to admit everything, stop lieing and go for help was NEVER going to happen. The son he had always wanted, who he was going to fight tooth and nail for, who would be on his birth certificate within a year….it was just words…words to make my life hell, while no doubt reliving his sick video of me out of it unable to move. I feel ill knowing what I loved…when you said you had the interview carrie and when he asked you questions you felt your answers wasn’t good enough. When we are emotionally involved in something it is our hearts who forgive or try and fight for things, who excuse behaviours…its a quality…and one we all got dubbed from.

    Anyway, this morning I received a letter, it just spoke volumes to me. I refused to see him since I found out I was pregnant and he accused me of everything knowing what he did to me when I couldn’t move! He slandered my name so bad, denied our son one min and the next telling me if I needed anything then he would get his son anything he wanted….all I had to do is ASK him for his help. Well I had decided I was going to prove he was his….no doubt 100% and he knows it…so I went to the CSA…I think one part of me wanted justice…he said I wouldn’t get anything from him…not even a sorry. I didn’t have the choice to be pregnant, just the choice to have an abortion which I don’t agree with….I had no choice on who the father was…I got no support…nothing but mental abuse and manipulation….I refused him to see our son…it wasn’t the right thing to do for our son…and the social workers had told me to keep him away. Anyway, this morning I received the letter that states he denies he is the father…he doesn’t want to pay child maintience…he wants to brand me everything and walk away with no responsibility.

    This is when I needed to sit back, I wanted to email him to give him a piece of my thoughts, tell him it wasn’t about the money it was about my son knowing where he came from….but my thoughts all day have been that of mixed emotions…the first being great I don’t have to deal with him at any point in my life…and that’s fantastic. I have no interest who he is dating, what he is saying and that he doesn’t want to pay…..but then I get angry…he did this to me, I give up everything…he wanted to finish me off…he wont EVER….he laughed and told me I wont get anything….that basically he as told everyone he isn’t the father…but if I go and set out to prove he is….then he will make me pay…he will fight to go on his birth certificate…he will fight to see him…once he sees him he told me it will be afew years before our son will want to go live with him (mental manipulation at its best). I am angry because I have to let him win and get away with everything he did to me…that I accepted…but now I cant go and prove he is my sons dad as I don’t want him to go on his birth certificate…am cross I feel a walk over, I want to fight this sick son of a bitch…I feel strong enough to take him on….but if its a case of £6 a week (that is what he was instructed to pay because he quit his job so I wouldn’t get anything and is now on benefits) and him in my life I don’t want it…even for 6k a mth…I wanted justice…to prove my name isn’t what he as fed out, to show my son I can prove 100% who is dad is…that he is just playing his head games…but he wins again….as I think I will just close the case just so he wont get to see him…which is just what he wanted. I wished I could have turned back time, I would rather I had of had a one night stand (never have had one) atleast I could stand by my decision…instead of his all the way.

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Fee, I totally understand wanting to make him accountable and “pay” for what he did and it feels like you are letting him “win” but i don’t think you are letting him win at all. You are standing firm in protecting your son from him. i think he had this sick plan of getting you pregnant as a way of having you totally under his control and then he would also have a son and he would control you through the baby. i think you thwarted his plan, so you did win. he never expected you to fight him, he thought you would be grovelling and begging him to love you and marry you so you could be a family. he was so cocky, he thought he had you right where he wanted you, that you would do anything to be with him and you are a beautiful woman, he knew a child with you would be a beautiful child. I fully suspect that his plan was to wait until Jacob was 3 or so and then discard you or throw you in a mental hospital or kill you off and then have his son all to himself.
      i know he had evil things planned Fee and you were smart enough and strong enough to figure him out and put an end to it. You did win Fee!!
      you are an awesome beautiful woman who has shown just how strong she is, he under estimated you. if he is watching that video and laughing, he is just proving how sick he really is. What normal man would ever drug a woman to get sex or control over her? That is sick right there but they are so sick they don’t even realize it.
      i wish you could discard him without a second thought but i know you are not that cold hearted. just know it is the best for Jacob, some day you will have to tell him who his daddy is but he will be old enough to understand and you will deal with it with love in your heart and jacob will grow up healthy, happy and secure.
      love and hugs to you my friend

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  6. Brenda

    Thank you for your blog and all the information you share with us! My second marriage was to a narcissist and it has been quite the rollercoaster. We had been together for six years, broken up a few times, but ended up marrying him when I got pregnant. It was the whole bait and switch, he was wonderful the first time around until we moved in and the second time around when I agreed to marry him. We are finally divorced, I have full custody, I was always the bread winner, he cannot hold a job down. I finally got him out of the house, but not completely. He is somehow getting into my house at 5am, sometimes crawls into bed with me, other times I wake up to him standing over my bed. He only does this on Saturday mornings, he is supposed to pick up the baby those days. He has been out of the house four months, we have been divorced since last September. Last week I found out he had been cheating on me for the past year and half, two months after I gave birth and since I went back to work. Mentally, I was so pleased he had someone and would leave me alone if I confronted him with her, but it has backfired. He is blaming me, because I put in for the divorce and essentially kicked him out. However, I really believe the “No Contact” is the way to go, while I did not answer his calls or texts, mentally I was OK, but he showed up at my work, barging into my office to “talk” or blame me for everything he did. I am trying to set up boundaries, such as telling him he would have supervised visits, but then he treats it like we are doing things together. I feel like I am losing my mind, and know he has hacked my phone- he knows way too much. I hate this feeling. How can I get away from all this? It seems most people pick up and leave- I can’t I own a home, have three kids and a decent job. I feel like I am losing myself and no one believes me… Reading your posts gives me a good feeling of confirmation. Thank you again!

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