Nice Guy Eddie mentioned something during the interview (insert shameless promotion of the interview here); if you missed it you can catch it on Eddie’s Blog; He said that we teach our daughters to be self sufficient, a woman can do anything a man can do, even better some times, and that makes them a prime target of a narcissist because he thrives on the challenge. That is rather depressing, here women have spent all these years working to get equal rights to equal pay for equal work, to be recognized in the political arena, in business, and have proven themselves to be capable and to excel in professions from fighting on the battle field to running a country. Personally I was hauling scrap metal in an all male profession and did very well; if not for James sabotaging my truck I would have been very successful, but James was certainly not going to let me succeed in a profession where he failed. And I think a lot of men feel that way, “a woman can do equal work for equal pay but she had better not do it better than him!”
I think many men (especially of the narcissistic variety) quite enjoy the relatively new found independence of women, it gives them one more benefit for abusing women.
Narcissist are not known for being especially hard working, they much prefer to make their money the easy way, con someone out of it. If they can get a self sufficient woman with money they can kill two birds (pardon the pun) with one stone. IN the olden days the narcissist would have to con some man in a business deal or rip off his employer but now he can do that AND milk the woman he is with for every dime she has. BONUS!!!!
So why is it that women are more independent than ever before and yet the cases of domestic abuse keep rising? It would make sense that if a woman is working and has a career she would be able to leave. It has always thought that was why women stayed, they had no choice, they didn’t have any way to support themselves. I was reminded of this common fallacy just two days ago. I some times walk with an older gentleman and his dog Toby, (Toby is one of Stella’s suitors). he asked me what I do and I told him about the blog and I had said that a lot of time the victim is blamed for their own abuse. He, trying to be very understanding said, that he understood why women stayed, what is a woman with a couple of small children supposed to do, she doesn’t have a job, no work experience, she is stuck. Then I explained that I had been in my 40’s when I met my abusive ex and had always worked and been very self sufficient; that shocked him. I briefly explained about the mind control and manipulation and he seemed to get it.
What is the answer then? if it isn’t to make women more self sufficient how do we prepare our young women to not become victims? What does society have to learn in order to eradicate domestic abuse?
First of all let me say that I don’t think all abusers are narcissists, I think that the majority of them are from the Anti-Social Personal Disorder, which is narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths. I think a few have addiction problems, but even then a lot of men quit drinking and continue to abuse their women. he might have an anger problem or been abused as a child and those men can be perhaps helped with therapy. If THEY want help, it is not up to the victim to save them or fix them.
But the majority of abusers are anti-social disordered, they are opportunists, leeches, soul vampires who set out to use and destroy women. How do we protect our young women, what do we need to teach our young women of today?
For one thing, yes; you are woman, hear you roar! you can have it all, the career, the kids, and own a home and you can do it all without a man in your life. But it is going to be dang hard, you are going to get really tired, you will get sick of always being responsible, always solving all the problems, balancing the bank account, paying the bills, disciplining the kids, all the housework, the yard work, all the taxiing of kids to sports and other activities, and while you are doing it all you are supposed to look like Kim Kardashian or a housewife of Beverley Hills.
I KNOW why I fell so hard for James, because I was damn tired! I had been a single mom for years, bought the house, did it all and the men I got involved with were not as motivated as i was to work. Men didn’t leave me, I left them. I didn’t care what a guy did for a living, I didn’t care that I made more money but dang it I got really sick of doing all the housework, cooking, yard work AND bringing in the pay cheque. I worked hard at my relationships and the men did not work as hard, they sort of just slid into the “typical” male role of when they came home they did nothing. AND society was telling them that it is ok for the woman to make more money and the women were doing all the things they always have AND bringing home the pay cheque. i know the men in my life had it pretty damn cushy. The woman planned the social events, the woman paid the bills, the woman asked for help with the dishes, housework and laundry and when she didn’t get it she got angry about it. The men didn’t take her seriously because it was her “time of month” and she “would get over it”.
When I met James and he swept me off my feet and loved me “just the way I was”, when he was being so appreciative of me, I believed him because he was telling me exactly what I had needed to hear for years! That I was an awesome, hard working attractive woman and he was lucky to have me. i believed him because it was true, but no other man had ever treated me that way. When James said he wanted to take care of me, I was thinking “Praise the Lord!! someone else to pack some of the load!”
When he took over the finances I was happy to let him, when he wanted to work on my vehicle I was more than happy to hand over the keys. Finally!! I was being rewarded for all my hard work for so many years, finally a man who appreciated me, loved me for me, made love to me like no other man ever had (and for once I wasn’t dead dog tired from all the responsibilities of life! I felt years younger, I was full of energy, the stress melted away as I let him take over my life and love me. I did far less for him than I ever did for any other man and he still loved me.
THAT is why I got hooked so fast and handed over control because I was tired of packing the load!
The narcissist knows something most men don’t, women need to be appreciated for all they do and they give women what they crave, sure they take it away but that makes it even more confusing for the woman because, yes, he changed but he was so different from any man she had ever known that when he changed he became more like the men she had previously known. She was used to be taken for granted, used to not having her feelings acknowledged. Maybe the other men can’t be classified as abusive but they were selfish, inconsiderate and didn’t pack their weight.
Now I am not saying all men are like that, I know there are men in the world who vacuum, do dishes and cook; my son is one of them. My son also knows how to plan a romantic meal and treat a woman with respect; because his single mom taught him that those things are important.
I think we have to teach our men that times have changed, no longer does the guy go to work and come home to supper on the table, maybe he has to cook supper; and not just because the woman asked him to but because he recognizes that the children are his too, the house is his responsibility also and that just because his wife is making more money than him doesn’t mean he gets to sit on his ass and do nothing.
And we have to teach our young women that yes they can have careers but they don’t have to do it all and that if a man isn’t willing to carry 1/2 the load in every part of the relationships she doesn’t have to settle for less. Teach her that she doesn’t have to prove herself to anyone.
Women always feel guilty, either they feel like they are failing as a mother because they work full time or they feel they are failing as a woman because they aren’t working, they aren’t thin enough, fit enough, smart enough or witty enough. i don’t care who you are, male or female; no one can do it all without burning out and the narcissist will be waiting in the wings for the right time to swoop in and rescue the woman who will soak up the attention and admiration like a dry sponge.
Women teach your sons to respect women and men, set an example for your sons to follow, show them that a real man will pull out the vacuum, put laundry on and spend time with his kids because he loves them not because he is “babysitting” so mom can have a break. (I have always hated that, men who say they are babysitting their own kids, WTF?! try having quality time!)
That is it for my rant today.