If Women Are So Liberated Why Are The Stats For Domestic Abuse So High?

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Nice Guy Eddie mentioned something during the interview (insert shameless promotion of the interview here); if you missed it you can catch it on Eddie’s BlogHe said that we teach our daughters to be self sufficient, a woman can do anything a man can do, even better some times, and that makes them a prime target of a narcissist because he thrives on the challenge. That is rather depressing, here women have spent all these years working to get equal rights to equal pay for equal work, to be recognized in the political arena, in business, and have proven themselves to be capable and to excel in professions from fighting on the battle field to running a country. Personally I was hauling scrap metal in an all male profession and did very well; if not for James sabotaging my truck I would have been very successful, but James was certainly not going to let me succeed in a profession where he failed. And I think a lot of men feel that way, “a woman can do equal work for equal pay but she had better not do it better than him!” 

I think many men (especially of the narcissistic variety) quite enjoy the relatively new found independence of women, it gives them one more benefit for abusing women.

Narcissist are not known for being especially hard working, they much prefer to make their money the easy way, con someone out of it. If they can get a self sufficient woman with money they can kill two birds (pardon the pun) with one stone. IN the olden days the narcissist would have to con some man in a business deal or rip off his employer but now he can do that AND milk the woman he is with for every dime she has. BONUS!!!!

So why is it that women are more independent than ever before and yet the cases of domestic abuse keep rising? It would make sense that if a woman is working and has a career she would be able to leave. It has always thought that was why women stayed, they had no choice, they didn’t have any way to support themselves. I was reminded of this common fallacy just two days ago. I some times walk with an older gentleman and his dog Toby, (Toby is one of Stella’s suitors). he asked me what I do and I told him about the blog and I had said that a lot of time the victim is blamed for their own abuse. He, trying to be very understanding said, that he understood why women stayed, what is a woman with a couple of small children supposed to do, she doesn’t have a job, no work experience, she is stuck.  Then I explained that I had been in my 40’s when I met my abusive ex and had always worked and been very self sufficient; that shocked him. I briefly explained about the mind control and manipulation and he seemed to get it.

What is the answer then? if it isn’t to make women more self sufficient how do we prepare our young women to not become victims? What does society have to learn in order to eradicate domestic abuse?

First of all let me say that I don’t think all abusers are narcissists, I think that the majority of them are from the Anti-Social Personal Disorder, which is narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths. I think a few have addiction problems, but even then a lot of men quit drinking and continue to abuse their women. he might have an anger problem or been abused as a child and those men can be perhaps helped with therapy. If THEY want help, it is not up to the victim to save them or fix them.

But the majority of abusers are anti-social disordered, they are opportunists, leeches, soul vampires who set out to use and destroy women. How do we protect our young women, what do we need to teach our young women of today?

For one thing, yes; you are woman, hear you roar! you can have it all, the career, the kids, and own a home and you can do it all without  a man in your life. But it is going to be dang hard, you are going to get really tired, you will get sick of always being responsible, always solving all the problems, balancing the bank account, paying the bills, disciplining the kids, all the housework, the yard work, all the taxiing of kids to sports and other activities, and while you are doing it all you are supposed to look like Kim Kardashian or a housewife of Beverley Hills.

I KNOW why I fell so hard for James, because I was damn tired! I had been a single mom for years, bought the house, did it all and the men I got involved with were not as motivated as i was to work. Men didn’t leave me, I left them. I didn’t care what a guy did for a living, I didn’t care that I made more money but dang it I got really sick of doing all the housework, cooking, yard work AND bringing in the pay cheque. I worked hard at my relationships and the men did not work as hard, they sort of just slid into the “typical” male role of when they came home they did nothing. AND society was telling them that it is ok for the woman to make more money and the women were doing all the things they always have AND bringing home the pay cheque. i know the men in my life had it pretty damn cushy. The woman planned the social events, the woman paid the bills, the woman asked for help with the dishes, housework and laundry and when she didn’t get it she got angry about it. The men didn’t take her seriously because it was her “time of month” and she “would get over it”.

When I met James and he swept me off my feet and loved me “just the way I was”, when he was being so appreciative of me, I believed him because he was telling me exactly what I had needed to hear for years! That I was an awesome, hard working attractive woman and he was lucky to have me. i believed him because it was true, but no other man had ever treated me that way. When James said he wanted to take care of me, I was thinking “Praise the Lord!! someone else to pack some of the load!”
When he took over the finances I was happy to let him, when he wanted to work on my vehicle I was more than happy to hand over the keys. Finally!! I was being rewarded for all my hard work for so many years, finally a man who appreciated me, loved me for me, made love to me like no other man ever had (and for once I wasn’t dead dog tired from all the responsibilities of life! I felt years younger, I was full of energy, the stress melted away as I let him take over my life and love me. I did far less for him than I ever did for any other man and he still loved me.

THAT is why I got hooked so fast and handed over control because I was tired of packing the load!

The narcissist knows something most men don’t, women need to be appreciated for all they do and they give women what they crave, sure they take it away but that makes it even more confusing for the woman because, yes, he changed but he was so different from any man she had ever known that when he changed he became more like the men she had previously known. She was used to be taken for granted, used to not having her feelings acknowledged. Maybe the other men can’t be classified as abusive but they were selfish, inconsiderate and didn’t pack their weight.

Now I am not saying all men are like that, I know there are men in the world who vacuum, do dishes and cook; my son is one of them. My son also knows how to plan a romantic meal and treat a woman with respect; because his single mom taught him that those things are important.

I think we have to teach our men that times have changed, no longer does the guy go to work and come home to supper on the table, maybe he has to cook supper; and not just because the woman asked him to but because he recognizes that the children are his too, the house is his responsibility also and that just because his wife is making more money than him doesn’t mean he gets to sit on his ass and do nothing.

And we have to teach our young women that yes they can have careers but they don’t have to do it all and that if a man isn’t willing to carry 1/2 the load in every part of the relationships she doesn’t have to settle for less. Teach her that she doesn’t have to prove herself to anyone.

Women always feel guilty, either they feel like they are failing as a mother because they work full time or they feel they are failing as a woman because they aren’t working, they aren’t thin enough, fit enough, smart enough or witty enough. i don’t care who you are, male or female; no one can do it all without burning out and the narcissist will be waiting in the wings for the right time to swoop in and rescue the woman who will soak up the attention and admiration like a dry sponge.

Women teach your sons to respect women and men, set an example for your sons to follow, show them that a real man will pull out the vacuum, put laundry on and spend time with his kids because he loves them not because he is “babysitting” so mom can have a break. (I have  always hated that, men who say they are babysitting their own kids, WTF?! try having quality time!)

That is it for my rant today.

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24 thoughts on “If Women Are So Liberated Why Are The Stats For Domestic Abuse So High?

  1. As always, great post, Carrie! And it’s very true, fresh off of a painful divorce after a loveless, unappreciated marriage, is when the narc “swooped in” as you put it.

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    • Jen, they have a way of knowing exactly what the victim is looking for. I didn’t think I was that obvious but we probably say little things that they pick up on and before we know it we are blinded by love.

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      • Hi Carrie
        Just when I thought I was doing well I was thrown for a loop last night. As you know I left and moved back to my home state divorced my husband and now living in a beautiful apartment. My life is so much better and peaceful. As you know his daughters keep in touch with me because they didn’t believe all the bull shit he was trying to pull on me when he was the one with the other woman and wanted me out of the picture. Back to the story, when I talk with the daughters we don’t talk about the N just life itself and the grandchildren. Well the oldest grandson who lives in Texas and the family went there for his graduation. The daughter I talk to the most posted a picture of a selfie of the family on Facebook and he was in the background with the new girlfriend. I can’t tell you how that felt..I got pins and needles pain all through my chest and stomach..the tears came and all I could do was cLmed myself down, prayed and prayed with a friend. I am sure if she thought I would hurt me she would not have posted it. I don’t want her to feel that she has to monitor her pictures because of me. Well, I deleted my Facebook page so I won’t be surprised and hurt again. I know he is not capable of love but just the thought of him having fun made me sick. He doesn’t have friends so he clings to family and that is why he is mad at some of them for not believing his crazy stories. I just needed to vent , I am ok, but these blood suckers are defiantly the devil.. God said he would give us beauty for ashes and he will repay us for all our unjust hurts and tears. Thanks for listening
        CJ or jean

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        • CJ, BIG hugs!!! I know how you feel. I truly do, the first time I heard about James’s new woman and then saw a pic I fell apart. Totally. When I heard he got engaged his sister came and stayed with me for 2 days because I fell apart. It is normal and to be expected. It isn’t that you want him back, or that your life isn’t good, you just don’t want to think of him having a good time, or with another woman or anything to do with him being happy in any way. He doesn’t deserve to be happy. If it was a normal relationship, with a normal guy, it might hurt but i know with myself when any of my other ex’s got involved with someone new enough time had gone by that it didn’t crush me. But there had been mutual responsibility when the relationship broke up, they hadn’t totally blamed me for everything and then slandered me, they had waited to date a period of time.
          There is nothing normal about a relationship with a narcissist, so recovery from a relationship with one is not “normal” either. I am sure your step daughter didn’t mean to hurt you, just like James’s step dad never meant to hurt me, but it is inevitable, it is going to happen, especially with things like facebook around. You were wise to get out of facebook for awhile, maybe cut back on how much you talk to her until some more time has gone by. I know that he had every right to be at the event, it is his family after all, but that doesn’t stop you from hurting.
          I remember shortly after James started dating M, his step dad’s brother died and James went to the funeral and took his new woman. His mom had told him not to come, (he didn’t know the brother, he didn’t grow up with this family and the uncle lived on the other side of the country) that they had a houseful of out of town company but he showed up any way, with the new girlfriend in tow. It hurt! a lot. He just HAD to show her off and they drove there in her new car and my step dad told me she was very nice and seemed to have laid down the law with James and maybe this was going to be the woman to change him. I just said, “Time will tell.” I know he didn’t mean to hurt me but it did and i told him at that time that I just could not hear about James and his new woman, that it hurt too much and he didn’t mention it again. I heard later from James when he came crying that time, that his mother had put something I painted as a gift for her on the coffee table right in front of M and mentioned “Carrie painted this for me”. I thought “how sweet” but time goes on and people forget and family sticks together.
          This is a little set back, it comes out of no where and kinda surprises us because we were doing so well, but it passes quite quickly and we get back on track. you did the right thing, called a friend, got support from someone who cares about you, deleted FB, and came here to vent. Good for you! You got through it. Big hugs
          Carrie

          Liked by 1 person

          • Thanks Carrie.. I feel much better today, I am focusing on my trip to San Francisco to see my daughter..funny thing, when I talked to my daughter she said ” mom when you were in South Carolina with him and the family weren’t you smiling in pictures? And you were miserable as hell… She then said that woman is saying “green card”…
            Thanks for listening Carrie…hug Stella for me..

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            • your daughter is very smart. I had to remind myself of that many times and actually have written about it. How if we were out and he was being nice and loving I would be so happy and hopeful and I wouldn’t want to do anything to screw it up, but invariably the nicer he was when we were out the more miserable he was when we got home to make up for it. Plus the new woman doesn’t want to admit she may have been wrong, she is trying to prove to everyone she is the love of his life as much to herself as the people around them. I am sure he was hoping a pic would somehow make it back to you. It’s all about show and how things look and nothing substantial
              Good for you to focus on the positive things like going to see your daughter. I am sure if you were with the narc he would find someway of ruining it. i never mind listening and stella will appreciate the hug seeing as she never gets any LOL

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  2. Carrie-

    Great post, and an interesting question!

    Some things society is only beginning to ponder could be at the heart of why domestic abuse is on the rise, and why women don’t bolt……

    A. Sociopathy is on the rise

    B. Brain chemistry determines how much we’ll tolerate from others. Our capability to forgive, trust, love and bond exists because of the neuropeptides, nuerotransmitters, hormones and other infrastructure in our brains. People who have difficulty leaving abuse may have their brain function stirred in a fashion that behaves like toxic glue.

    Although we think in terms of “emotion”, and we react with what we think we “feel”, we’re really reacting to a chemical addiction that goes on during romantic love.

    Sociopaths are particularly adept at locating people who are capable of devotion, and stirring their brain chemistry to cement the relationship. A person’s brain chemistry and moral code of conduct can keep them glued in a Betrayal Bond until something unforgivable, and possibly life-threatening, takes place. Look at Reeva Steenkamp, Oscar Pistorius’s victim, as a prime example. She was shot before she could get out!

    Sociopaths lie, cheat and defraud in order to engage people in romantic relationships. I hope you’ll join with me in celebrating Truth in Romance Day on June 15th, which is specifically designed to end the abuse of lying to secure sex. A person who engages another in sexual conduct by Carnal Fraud is capable of all kinds of relationship abuse.

    Best-
    Joyce

    Liked by 1 person

    • Joyce, thank you for your knowledgeable comment and yes of course i am sure everyone here will join you in celebrating “Truth in Romance Day” on June 15th. All victims of Anti Social Disordered people were raped by fraud when you get right down to it. When a person lies to you about everything about them, you are in essence, having sex with a stranger, That has to be the worst abuse ever because there is nothing more sacred that you can give a person than your body. It is the ultimate betrayal.

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  3. Great comment Carrie..I plan to share with my daughter,those idiots are just waiting to pounce on a good women. As my mother would say “don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining”..I will be watching out!

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    • CJ i love that!! “don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining”. There are so many contributing factors, and for younger women it might not be that but i know it was for me. I was so dang sick of doing it all, I talked myself into letting James take control. I know there are men who treat women really well. My moms’ 2nd husband was a fair amount older and he was retiring early, she worked full time and he asked her to quit so they could travel. I thought she was crazy to give up her job but he asked how much she made per month and every month he wrote her a cheque for that amount so she had her own money that she didn’t have to account for, it was hers to do with as she pleased.
      Before I met James I met a guy in a chat room who lived in north Carolina and he was retiring and wanted me to take a 2 week vacation with him. I couldn’t afford it and he said it was on him, no strings attached he just wanted someone to enjoy a vacation with. ( I did a thorough check on him to make sure he was who he said he was) He bought my flight, I had no money with me, maybe $100, he greeted me at the airport, took me home to his place and we spent a few days there then we drove down to new orleans and spent a week down there and we drove back and i flew home. Every day i got up and there was $100 in my purse. I never had to ask for a dime, he paid for everything and when i flew home that was it, no love or anything. We had sex but he didn’t lead me on to believe there was going to be more. We just had a good time. I also flew to meet a lawyer in Wichita for a week, but we split the expenses that time, but i had a good time.
      By the time i met James I was sick of online relationships, i had sold the house i had with my ex and started a new job, my son was 17 and independent, I was prime for the picking.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Deeinnz, I don’t know where you meet them. I don’t trust on line dating, i like to meet a person face to face, but that didn’t do me any good with james, like I just said to CJ, i had better luck on line thaN I did in person.

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  4. I have decided that when or if I decide to date again he will be spending a lot of time with my two sons and five brothers! They saw things that I didn’t ..

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    • CJ, I think that is part of the secret, make sure that you listen to family and friends when they say something is not right with this guy. But that said, the only one to not like James when I met him was my mom. My cousins husband told her that it was nice that i had finally met a decent guy who had something to offer. My son loved him at first and so did my brother. My brother and him hit it off like gang busters. Time, take it slow. i think that is the biggie

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  5. Scientific number on DV case aren’t always accurate. The truth is that society and the feminist movement has made it very easy for women to make false allegation about domestic violence during divorce to get the upper hand for custody,allimony chid support so that they can support there new lover that is a narcissistic or a sociopatath. Then women wonder what ever happend to all the good men.

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      • You are right, real women won’t commit such atrocity. but there are a lot of women with personality disorder that bring the over all number of DV cases up.

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        • John, that is true but society and the feminist movement is not to blame for that. We need more awareness about domestic abuse period, there are a lot of erroneous assumptions made by society and the courts concerning domestic abuse.

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  6. “Trauma Bonding

    Bonding is a biological and emotional process that makes people more important to each other over time. Unlike love, trust, or attraction, bonding is not something that can be lost. It is cumulative and only gets greater, never smaller. Bonding grows with spending time together, living together, eating together, making love together, having children together, and being together during stress or difficulty. Bad times bond people as strongly as good times, perhaps more so.

    Bonding is in part why it is harder to leave an abusive relationship the longer it continues. Bonding makes it hard to enforce boundaries, because it is much harder to keep away from people to whom we have bonded. In leaving a long relationship, it is not always useful to judge the correctness of the decision by how hard it is, because it will always be hard.

    Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way.. Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.

    Strangely, growing up in an unsafe home makes later unsafe situations have more holding power. This has a biological basis beyond any cognitive learning. It is trauma in one’s history that makes for trauma bonding. Because trauma (and developmental trauma or early relational trauma is epidemic) cause numbing around many aspects of intimacy, traumatized people often respond positively to a dangerous person or situation because it makes them feel. It is neither rational nor irrational. If survivors can come to see that part of the attraction is, while very unwanted, a natural process, they may be able to understand those feelings and manage the situation more intentionally.

    An excellent book on the effects of trauma (and repair) is The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk MD

    Intense relationships also tend to hijack all of a survivor’s relating capacity. It is like a state of being burnt out. First, while it is very easy to become attached to a very chaotic and inconsistent person, it is simply not possible to form a consistent internal object representation (feeling memory) about them. When separated from the intense partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is a stable feeling memory (or internal object) that makes separation from an important other person tolerable in any circumstance.

    Second. the survivor can come to find that it can be almost impossible to relate to anyone, even family or old friends, except superficially. There is a biological craving for intensity that no normal relationship will satisfy. This provides a feeling of being totally alone, and totally empty. At first, only going back to the primary aggressor can overcome it. It would be normal in this state to believe that something is horribly wrong with leaving (even if it seems equally true that something is horribly wrong with staying. If it can be understood that abstinence from unnatural intensity will eventually restore normal relating capacity, the period of distress can be better endured”.

    (source: http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html)

    While this can be likely true in many situations, I believe it’s not the only explaination.
    There are so many details getting lost in the way, the frequent changes acted by an abusive and or disordered person in getting hot and cold, the double bind communications, the sudden outburst of rage, the shifting of guilt makes the other person feeling numb, extremely insecure and doubting her/himself, second-guessing every thought and behaviour until they don’t know almost anymore what is going on.
    Plus, the initial phase of the relationship is always there to remind what we were looking for, the amazing feeling of being loved, understood, free and a part of something “special” and makes people crave to get it again.

    In my opinion, The more we stay in an abusive relationship, the more an abusive/disordered person will believe we accept their behaviors as “normal”, feels entitled and that they have a right to be more abusive. The more they do so, the more we tend to believe in some unconscius way that we deserve this. It is really like a brainwashing technique, extremely effective because it comes from someone very significant and that we trust.

    It is hard to explain why the stats are so high, Carrie.
    I guess there is not for just one reason but multiple:
    People have a bit more awareness than in our recent past, laws have been changed to protect from harrassements and abuses and now tend to report more.
    Plus, with evolution of equal rigths (at least in a legal point of view) some men feel they are loosing their ancient roles and privileges and this could lead to a sense of loss of their “male identity” and a rancor towards women who are more self conscious, self confident and successful in work and life. I don’t want to generalise too much, Even if there are men (and sometimes women who adopt a male style) frustrated by global economic crises, loose their jobs and feel unworthy they may try to win back their power inflicting their will (in an attempt to gain back their self esteem) on their partners.

    When I was in the relationship with Gio, every time I accomplished a difficult task (like finding a new job in a very successful international ambient, or get rewarded for my writings or been praised by her family and friends for my skills or human qualities) she became so rancorous and bitter and would end with an outburst where I felt guilty because SHE felt “inferior” in her disfunctional reason.

    So, while this is a strong sign of weakness and lack of self esteem, I think it has a lot to do with domestic abuse. Not to say that education and emulating family interactions have a deep impact on learned behaviors that eventually will be repeated in future relationship affecting and damaging more and more. Learning, speaking out, educating to respect others is the prior way.
    A life worth living needs to grant decent conditions to people like the chance to have a job, a home, and afford education.

    Said that, everyone has to do her/his own path.

    Good Journey.

    Ciao.

    Rosi

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    • Rosi,
      As I read this, I was in awe of and so proud of you! You have come such a long way and what you have shared is so very accurate, sadly. It is what each of us experienced with our ex-narcs, but most likely also in our families in some form or another. I know I did in mine and I am now able to look back and see why things that should have been unacceptable were more forgivable to me due to my childhood experiences with relationships. ❤ Thank you for sharing with us.

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  7. Thank you so much Jen. I am touched by your words and glad it made sense and maybe helped a bit in some way to understand what we have been going through.
    ciao

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