Who Is Confused About Garbage and Gifts? Can You Tell The Difference?

I had a comment on another post from someone asking if they were they only one who’s narcissist literally gave them garbage with such flair that the narcissist expected the receiver to be forever grateful for their generosity.  I had to laugh because it brought back so many memories, awwww the memories of times spent with the narcissist in his fantasy world where black is white, wrong is right and garbage is gifts. And don’t you ever point out that it is garbage because then you will be called an ungrateful bitch!! So the victim finds themselves thanking the narcissist for their generosity and raving about how lucky they are to have such a generous partner, who lavishes them with garbage.

it is like the visual proof of what they are doing 24/7 from day one of the relationship, feeding you garbage and expecting you to believe it is real.The very first time I experienced this generosity was when we hadn’t been dating that long. He had a BMW with fancy low profile tires and aluminum rims and totaled it in a multi car crash. He had just talked me into buying an older Prelude (another story where I got screwed in the deal but none the less I did love the car). He got it in his head that seeing as he had those practically brand news wheels and tires he should put them on my Prelude, along with the stereo he had in the BMW. I was hesitant because we hadn’t been dating that long and what if we broke up, then I would have to give them back and expressed this to him. We were driving at the time and he pulled over, looked away for a moment like he was trying to compose himself and he spoke while he looked out the window. “I know I am not going anywhere, but if you decide to break up with me”, he turned to look me in the eyes with tears welling up in his eyes and continued, “anything I have given you or put on the car is yours to keep. I would never take back a gift.”  I felt awful, I said that I just was used to being self sufficient and it was so extravagant. He said that if it made me feel better he would get the tire shop to store my old tires and rims so that if we ever did break up I would always have them there. So i agreed. A decision I would regret many many times over the time I owned the car.

it wasn’t until we were living together and my old tires were long gone that he decided I owed him full price for the wheels and tires. (It was included on the invoice he gave for all the money he had spent on me from the very first date.)  I finally ended up selling the Prelude and paying him just to get him off my back. I gave him the money and he agreed my bill was paid in full, and then 2 weeks later he was saying I owed him still. I was just starting to learn you can’t win for losing with a narcissist.

He used to give me things he found in the scrap cars he hauled, once it was a broken china sugar bowl, another time some cat and dog ornaments that he had found that had chips out of them, some half burned candles he got from somewhere. I would always thank him so much! Didn’t want to appear ungrateful after all. He would give me things I never wanted, never asked for and didn’t know what they ever were; but he always knew what they were for and would end up taking possession of them. He often bought me gifts that he himself wanted.

When they repossessed his semi he stripped the exhaust pipes, the wheels and tires and anything else chrome off of the semi before they took it. After that he kept wanting to put the pipes on my truck and the wheels and tires, which of course would not fit unless he cut the fenders so the big tires could fit. I refused to let him put the rims and tires on but he put the straight pipes on anyway. I had this feeling his was planning on taking possession of my truck eventually anyway so he was just getting it to his liking ahead of time. he included them on the invoice he presented me for truck repairs totaling the value of the truck. I am sure he thought if he could present me with a bill that was equivalent to the trucks value I would just sign it over to him. Not on your life!!

About 6 years into the relationship every time he offered me a “gift” I would ask, “Is it a gift or are you going to expect me to pay for it? because if I have to buy it I don’t want it. if it is a gift then thank you.”

He would steal all my tools, wrenches, screw drivers etc and then when I didn’t have any and go to him looking for them he would give me some of his because he always had lots. I started painting my tools with bright florescent orange spray paint, he would paint his tools with blue paint. he wouldn’t even take care to cover all my orange paint, just spray blue over top and take ownership and then give me my own damn tools back as a gift. I had a ring with a pearl in it, it disappeared, about a year later I got the ring back, minus the pearl, as a gift. He gave me my own radio as a gift.

He would buy himself dinner out at Red Robin, eat until he was full and then tell me he bought me supper and hand me the takeout container with his left overs in it. I would refuse to eat it and he would shrug and say up to you, I bought it for you, but it would be the Whiskey Jack Burger, his favorite that I didn’t like and never ordered. Valentines he would buy chocolates on the 15th half price, eat half of them and then present me with what was left like he was the most generous guy around and so thoughtful.

He was great for telling you what he would have gotten you, or telling you it was being delivered and it would never show up. His family still haven’t seen their Xmas gifts from 16 year ago that were supposed to be in a container coming from Saskatchewan.  When his son was living with us, he took the boy out to shop for his xmas gifts, luckily I decided to buy a bunch of art supplies and stuff just in case James didn’t come through. I meet up with them at Sears and his son is so happy, his dad bought him a great big tool box on wheels and everything. They went to the loading dock to pick it up and what do you know…….the loading dock was closed and it was Christmas Eve, nothing they could do now. damn! you guessed it, the kid never saw the tool box and in fact his dad stole the tools he did buy the boy. But like with when he stole my tools, his answer was “Why would I steal your crappy tools? I only buy the best, I don’t want your crappy cheap tools.” So one time I went through his tools and pulled out all the cheap crappy tools that he admittedly would never use. He was furious, I said they had to be mine because he never bought crappy tools. He just stole them back.

He used to leave his garbage on the back of my truck and it would stink, I asked him so many times to not do it but every single day I would go out there and there would be garbage on my truck. I don’t know what it was, why???

He used to always say that he wasn’t into giving gifts on special occasions because he gave gifts all year long. Hahaha yeah. ok.

What are some of your most memorable gifts from the nacissist? oh and i can’t forget the ‘gold’ wedding band that the gold washed off two days later.

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50 Replies to “Who Is Confused About Garbage and Gifts? Can You Tell The Difference?”

  1. Thank you everyone for your replies, it sounds like this is another common trait of the N. Not that any of us are with any man for the gifts he buys us, or care about gifts; it the total lack of acknowledgement or sensitivity or even consideration, taking the time to find out if we have pierced ears or not The last Xmas James and I were together his son was living with us and I know I only got a gift because his son made him and he didn’t want to look like the cheap bastard he was. I don’t have pierced ears either, my holes grew closed long ago and I never wore earrings the whole 10 years I was with James yet he bought me a necklace with about 6 pairs of pierced earrings in a gift box and left the price tag on it. $14.
    I remember once when his sister had skin cancer on her face and their mother called James to say his sister was very depressed and could use some support. I suggested he call and he didn’t want to (probably didn’t have an emotion stored for that occasion) then I said it would be nice to mail a card, no one gets mail any more. He said, “Naw, cards aren’t really my thing, they are more his sister’s thing.”. I said, Exactly! that’s why sending her a card would cheer her up. DUH!
    When I started dating James he told me he didn’t really buy gifts at Christmas and birthdays because he thought a person should give all year. I was ok with that because he was so generous in the beginning with everyday things. He got a free teddy when he got his new cell phone and gave it to me, I was pleased with it, I didn’t know that was the one and only gift I was ever going to get.
    I don’t want to lie, I did get a few gifts throughout the years, wind chimes he took back and gave to his mother. and some figurines from Africa that he picked up at the airport on his way home, I didn’t want anything from Africa. I am just thankful he didn’t give me a more deadly gift from Africa.

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    1. Carrie, luckly you didn’t get that additional “gift”.

      I can relate to your memories, I remember once after she told me about her having unsafe sex with several men (which had on their turn promiscuos and several datings at the same time) and women. I then asked her to please do the anti HIV test (I did it and showed mine was negative). She never did it. I need to recognise she didn’t respect me (herself either).
      I cannot force someone else to respect me but I can show more for myself and walk away.
      big hugs,
      ciao

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      1. Rosi, Oh how i can relate to the not respecting yourself enough! when James came back from Africa I discovered almost immediately he had been involved with a woman there. He refused to tell me if they had sex or not and I wasn’t having sex with him. Then he had his “malaria attack” and I nursed him back to health and before you know it we are back together. I kept asking him to get tested but he never did and of course I still had sex with him. Stupid!
        Then after he dumped me and had met this new woman he comes by my house one day for some stupid reason and makes sure to tell me he is going to get tested because his new woman insists on it. She is making him go to her doctor and get total physical. Her husband died of cancer so I guess she wanted to make sure James was healthy, I have never heard of making your new partner take a physical but I guess she was trying to protect herself, she should have had his mental state checked out. Anyway, I got sidetracked.
        I was so hurt that he was willing to get checked for her and wouldn’t for me, but I also knew deep down that I should have respected myself enough to not sleep with him unless he got tested, well I should have never let him come back and that would have solved all my problems!!
        Hugs

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        1. Yes Carrie, we can’t changed our past actions (or our past not taken actions) to show enough respect for ourselves but we can start now.
          Respect is something I used to think about as something every one is supposed to show each other needless to ask for. We now know the difference between someone like us and some others. It is their problem.
          It is up to us to not let it become ours.

          Ciao amica.

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          1. Rosi, you are right, we can’t beat ourselves up for what we didn’t know at the time. I still struggle with that sometimes. But it is what it is and the past is done, we can only move forward. We are not the ones who are damaged, they are; we are the healthy ones.
            Hugs

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    2. The very first birthday gift he gave me was “sitting on the couch together sharing a bottle of wine” three days before my actual birthday. He told me that was my gift after my birthday passed….when I mentioned I was hurt he didn’t acknowledge it with so much as a card.
      Silly me for questioning his generosity.

      His last Christmas gift to me was a Starbucks thermal coffee mug that was good for free refills for the month of January. I used it maybe twice then he ended up with it the rest of the month. I never saw it again.

      I have to say there were a few nice gifts. Not ever anything personal or what I wanted but gifts he could buy from business associates to show off & look like a great guy. “Boy you sure are a lucky gal!” They’d say. “You’re husband REALLY loves you!” *barf*

      Those gifts were for himself. To buy admiration & attention. They were tainted and I got rid of them all when I moved out.

      The clencher is when I went all out for his 50th. I rented a beach house, flew his parents & brother out, all HIS close friends, his favorite food, & golfing all weekend. My heart was into making it something really special for him.
      He later tell my friend after she commented how great the party was “Yeah she didn’t do it for me. It was only what SHE wanted. She just did it for attention”.

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      1. Sherri, that all sounds so familiar! His first birthday that we were togedther I threw him a big surprise birthday party. We were moving that weekend into our new house we were buying and he refused to help me pack anything of mine into the house but I still threw the party and he spent all night in the shop and wouldn’t even come in to blow out the candles on the cake. The next year his birthday fell on a night we were volunteering at the race track and he was the burn out box director. I had a huge cake and balloons that I took out to the starting line and the announcer announced it over the PA system. He loved it, center of attention, everyone got cake and he was the star of the show but he never once said thank you. He loved taking me to the track because I always baked something and took it down for the racers etc and it got him into the pit with people he never would have other wise. One time I baked homemade cinnamon rolls, he had gone down early and I followed with the cinnamon rolls and I something else, I think chocolate chips cookies. He saw me, grabbed my arm and said come with me. He dragged me from pit to pit showing off my baking and offering it to the racers. At the awards ceremony the NHRA judges gave me a special award for “The Best Buns At the Race Track” . They presented me with an official NHRA hat, that only the racers got. I didn’t have it for long! but I didn’t care, he was so thrilled. But he never remembered those things later. According to him I never did anything nice for him. The first year he was with his new woman he made a big deal about his birthday had been the best…….EVER.
        All I ever was, was some one that made him look good to others.
        He did get me a couple of nice gifts, one we were broken up so he was trying to get on my good side. The other one was a coupon at a spa, but he bought it from some woman that I know he was attracted to just from the way he said he wasn’t. He wanted to look like the generous sweet guy.

        Thanks for sharing! Thank God we are out of that.

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  2. I was just going to add the, “I was going to get you ……whatever nice thing………but why would I reward bad behavior” Or I was going to ask you to marry me but why would I want to marry someone who is always angry?”

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  3. Mine actually gave me some nice things, 2 beautiful ceramic planters for our 1st anniversary, a beautiful green sapphire and diamond ring after a year of just wearing a band, a 4 ct blue garnet ring right after I had our son, a nice Coach purse and shoes, a beautiful pearl necklace with diamond earrings for another anniversary. When I left, he used his wedding band from his last marriage but never told me, kept the planters, I discovered the ring after our son was born was given to his first wife, he had it reset. All the other jewelry he gave me I never saw again. The only gift out of many I walked away with was the 4 year old Coach purse by now marked with pen and so dirty even a professional cleaning it wouldn’t sell for $35 on eBay! I gave him a very expensive high powered telescope the Christmas before I finally left the following September, he never used it but gave it to our son for his 5th birthday. I got nice things but they were never intended to be gifts, just on loan for recycling for the next trusting sole. Oh and yes, he bought me a loaded Ford Explorer Sport Trac, but was titled only in his name. I had to buy that vehicle from him out of my meager divorce settlement monies while I ran his business for 5 years and the company paid his fancy Silverado start to finish. He’s a very ill man now entering into his 4th marriage… I wonder which pieces of jewelry he has “gifted” to her so far??

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    1. Trudi, All I can say is thank God none of us got the gift that keeps on giving , like an STD, HIV comes to mind. none of them ever seem to have protected sex. They feel they are so special they are above that kind of thing.
      Thanks for commenting, you prove once again that it is all about them and nothing they do is without some ulterior motive.

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  4. You know…you could probably turn this into an ongoing series of posts and guest posts or whatever, and do like a hilarious review of the…not so stellar gifts. Knowing me, I would turn it into an audio series and do it up on The Price Is Right and read like a prize description.

    But that’s just me.

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    1. I have no problem with you using the material as long as no one’s real name is used. Does anyone else have any objections to their story being used for some comic relief?
      If you do Micheal, make sure to talk about my engagement ring that had its “gold” wash off in 2 days and he shrugged and said, “Guess I was ripped off. I bought it in on a run to the states.oh well.”

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      1. Of course I would keep the anonymity but it would only be done like a contestant winning a not-so-stellar prize ala a gameshow (maybe like The Dating Game mixed with Price Is Right or something along that line) kind of thing. As long as no one objects to me using phony but (hopefully) funny names to protect the innocent. I need to find some royalty free or fair-use game show music.

        I can definitely work the ring you mentioned into it.

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