The Reality Of The Situation

It is terribly hard for anyone to admit they made a mistake, especially one that adversely affects the rest of their life. But hanging on to an abusive relationship because you can’t or won’t face the harsh truth is only going to see you further and deeper into a pit you can’t escape.

Someone commented recently that they need to have their suspicions proven and then they will be able to walk away from their cheating abusive partner.
That day never comes, the day you are able to just walk away with no self doubt; because the narcissist will never admit he did anything wrong. It will always be your fault, even if you catch him in bed doing the nasty; it will be your fault because you were gone to work and he was all alone and bored. If you paid more attention to him he would not be forced to seek out other women and if you weren’t so suspicious he wouldn’t want to screw around. You gave him the idea, accusing him made him think he might as well seeing as you thought he already was.

And the whole time he is twisting the facts you are slipping further away from who you are. Every time you forgive and start fresh is another notch in his belt, another “win” for him, another challenge. He got away with that; what else can he get away with?

Most of the women who come in here are younger than me, you may feel your have invested too much time to walk away now. You may be thinking, “I have nothing to lose by sticking it out for a while longer”. Believe me; you have no idea exactly how much you have to lose, and by the time you do………its too late.

39 thoughts on “The Reality Of The Situation

  1. maryleemorgan

    Listen to Carrie! I stuck it out for fifty years hoping something would change. It doesn’t happen. When and how you leave must be carefully planned, and you don’t have to make any outward changes right now at all if it isn’t safe and you are not ready. But change your mind about what you are dealing with, because the N is not going to change. I carefully planned my exit strategy, and you may have to do that, too. But stop doubting your own insides, start re-thinking, and start planning.

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    1. kim

      i thought i was in there for a long time 30yrs in all you are right as hard as you try to keep them happy it is never enough mine blamed me for not being able to keep up with all his demands regardless of contracting fibromyalgia shows you how shallow the relationship is even after long period of time i dont think they mean the vows when you get married in sickness and in health he didnt for me oh well you live and learn everything is now going wrong for him of course who does he expect to listen to his problems me after everything he put me through i go a week without hearing start to go through the healing process he keeps texting me and phoning me to meet him for dinner such pressure from someone who has left me i am sure they arent human he even told me not to stay in bed when i am in severe pain i was very firm in saying my life has nothing to do with him and to stay out of my business he always used to prevent me from resting with my illness made me feel bad i think thats why i ended up with severe insomnia its just another form of contolling not anymore i will rest whenever i like they cant let go but i am very clear that i am my own person and will do what i want i dont want animosity so am trying to stay civil and firm for the sake of my daughter which has improved again i think she respects me being stronger and taking back my role as her mum instead of being intimadated and controlled she is what i am concentrating on to get myself in a better place bit of a vent thankyou for listening xx

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  2. intothelight

    Oh Sweet Lady, you are one of many life lines I cling to on these recovery sites I visit. One thing you said in this article that stuck in my mind that “most of the women are younger than you” – it made my heart sad because I am one who is older than you, so my level of despair is sometimes exacerbated by the fact that I’m feeling I’m too old to ever get another chance at love. Actually though, at this point, I don’t want anything to do with any men. My trust issues now are worse than ever, and I’m just beginning to start to heal. It’s going to take a long time. I always held on to the hope that someday I would be happy in a relationship, only for this EVIL MONSTER to come in to my life in “sheep’s clothing” – what a nightmare it’s been. I’m 2 1/2 months no contact, after a fight he started. He immediately picked up with someone else (who I’m sure was already in the picture somewhere) so he’s too busy to hoover. And who knows, maybe he never will – which will be a blessing for me. I try to read as much as I can on these sites. It helps me cope. I have good days and bad days, as you know. Today has been a bad one for me; I’ve been crying a lot. Thank you for your website and your posts.

    And to any of the ladies reading this – I wish you all the best on your journey of healing. And if you are still in the relationship – get out as soon as you can. They CANNOT love and they CANNOT change. It will never be better or different. Their brains are not the same as ours. Leave so you can begin to live again. My tears and hurt don’t come from wanting him – they come from the depth of the betrayal, the intentional harm perpetrated against me, the emotional rape, and the fact that the whole relationship was a LIE. If you are younger than Carrie and me, trust me my sweets – you have A LOT OF GOOD YEARS LEFT!!! xoxo

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Intothelight, you made me cry, I just want to give you a great big hug and tell you “it’s going to be ok, you are going to be ok” Thank you for your heartfelt words, i hope they are heard by those women still cling to the hope he’ll change.

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      1. intothelight

        Aww Carrie, YOU got me all teary-eyed with your compassion. Thank you for that. Yes, ladies, please believe us when we tell you – THEY CANNOT LOVE AND DO NOT CHANGE! And Carrie, my faith in GOD is strong, so I have HOPE in HIM — even tho’ some days are tearful, I pray for peace and healing. Blessings to you for your encouragement and for this website you have opened up to us, where we can come to read, learn and share.

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    2. maryleemorgan

      Intothelight, I know how you feel. I don’t know how old you are, but I am 68. I thought the same as you, that it was far too late now to ever find love. People keep telling me otherwise. I hear stories of people much older than me, living in nursing homes, who fall in love and get married!

      Just a few weeks ago, I decided to believe that there are men out there who are appropriate for me, who would completely fall in love with me, men with whom I could have a successful and loving relationship. Saying “men” means I don’t believe that there is just this one person, this soul mate meant only for me, and if I don’t find him somehow I am out of luck. No, I choose to believe that there are a number of men out there who could be a soul mate to me if we became friends and established that kind of relationship.

      Whether or not I actually ever meet or marry one of them is beside the point, as I am not ready now and not looking. But I am surprised at how much choosing to believe that these men exist has brightened my mood and even relieved a measure of loneliness. In no way do I want to believe that I need a man to be OK, either, but I sure would like to know, finally, what it feels like to be genuinely loved by a good man.

      I would like to learn how to have a relationship with such a man, because some of the relationship skills I have developed to date are things that let me survive N abuse. Such survival skills won’t be useful in a healthy relationship and will have to be discarded and replaced by healthier stuff that I don’t even know how to talk about yet since my life so far has been with an N father and then an N spouse. I will need this man to be patient with me, a characteristic that will be at the top of my “must have” list for any future spouse!

      So there is a “someday” out there, even at my age, and who knows? For now, I think it’s healthy and important for me to simply believe that such men exist.

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  3. Only Me

    Very short and succinct. I’d have to add, that if you are in a situation that makes you miserable…it doesn’t matter who or what s/he is! Disordered, a spath, a narc, just a jerk, a regular A-Hole…none of that matters! Get out! Don’t keep giving him or her more chances to destroy your life! They never change! Let me repeat! THEY NEVER CHANGE! GET OUT NOW!

    Life is too short to waste it even one minute trying to make an unhappy relationship or situation better! Get out and make a new life that fulfills you and meets your needs.

    I had abusive ex-husband who nearly destroyed me with all kinds of crap who just wore me down as I struggled to make it work. His abuses got worse and worse…then he went after my children in the worst possible way! I ended up not only having to divorce him (nearly lost in my kids in the process!), but I had to send him to prison. It opened up to further abuses by his ‘spath family, and other judgmental jerks who had no idea what I was dealing with!

    So, listen to Carrie. She’s telling you right and giving you great advice! Don’t stay in an abusive relationship. They aren’t and never will be worth it! Get out now!

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. Ellen Bulnes

      Carrie, Your advice RULES!

      I was at the ripe old age of 54 when i met my Narc/Psycho, I’m Now over two year out. Never have met such an awful, evil horrible man like him before!

      Its was make up to breakup, hoovering and sucking me back in to his craziness, I knew he was mentally ill, I just had to see if I could change him….but no they repeat the same horrible behavior over and over again.

      When you have had enough your leave, totally devastated! So don’t try to fix them they aren’t worth it! They will never ever change, and they will do what they did to you, to their next mark!

      When ever you feel weak, or nostalgic to the way he was in the beginning, get that out of your head, NOW!

      Think of the rages, abuse, gas-lighting, drama and all the PUTRID thing he is! Walk away with your head held high, and know with all your heart that you did the right thing!

      God Bless us all here for at least trying! Something they are not capable of!!

      They were never worthy of us!

      Hugs

      Ellen

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  4. onmyway

    Also, get yourself to a good lawyer who will help you get everything in order before you make your move. You have one life and you should not waste another moment of it pandering, pleading, pleasing the narc. Do not compromise yourself ever again.

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. Scootergypse

      Not sure if you will get this. I have a question for you. I made a comment on your latest post, but it appears it has not been approved. I noticed that other comments have already been approved and are showing. Is there a reason that my post hasn’t shown up yet? Thank you.

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    2. Ellen Bulnes

      onmyway and all the fantastic people on this blog, we all leaned the hard way! This is a valuable experience WITH what happened, who and what you will tolerate and who and what type of people you allow in your life!

      Sage advice be safe!

      Ellen

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    3. Carrie Reimer Post author

      onmyway, Oh how I wish I would have been smarter with the money. I was never married to James but it is so hard to recoup and for a woman married to one of these guys you HAVE to stay 2 steps ahead of them because they will NOT be fair, ever. Your advice is right on the mark.! Hugs

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    4. maryleemorgan

      Also read the book called “Splitting: protecting yourself while divorcing someone with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder.”

      Find the organizations in your community that assist women with divorce issues and take advantage of whatever they offer. Here in San Diego, we have Second Saturday. You can Google them to get an idea about what kind of things you are looking for. You may be able to find the sympathetic attorney you need through such an organization.

      Be safe and plan carefully.

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  5. Ellebelle2015

    All so true. I left after 31 years. The worst part were the last 12 years. I had much to loose. My house, my garden, financially, being alone etc. Mostly we are strong woman so we can stay to long. I wish I got out 10 years earlier. I am sure he had a plan. He just waited for me to leave and then played the abondened partner. I left 2 years ago. It is a struggle to get over this all. PTSD, OCD, anxiety, mourning? I left not because I didn’t love that man, I left because I had to save myself. Much too late.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Ellebelle, “I left not because I didn’t love that man, I left because I had to save myself. Much too late.” Exactly the same with me. Leaving was my last desperate attempt to save my life and I waited far too long. HUgs to you my friend

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  6. Lyckliga Lisa

    Hi, you are completely right about what you are writing today. I left my hell for a half year ago, and I know I should have done this for maybe 10-14 years ago. I´ve been wasting my time, my strength, my health but the worst is that I´ve been wasting the childhood of my boys.

    I was never shore I was doing right when I left, but I had support of one of my closest friends and he really opened my eyes, so I could see the hell I was living in.

    I left for my own wellness and for my kids and I´m so happy with my new life

    Thanks for a really good plogpost

    Liked by 1 person

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  7. ceeceefrance

    Mine bullied me out so he could install the OW. Best thing he ever did for me. Now we’re fighting over my half of the house we bought together but I’m safe and FREE to be me. I have friends and family and am surrounded by more real love than ever I had with him. Like Ellebelle says, he’s playing the abandoned one to garner sympathy from his entourage. Let him get on with his silly games. I don’t have to play them any more. I am the same strong woman he targeted to supply his needs. Also, like Ellebelle, I believe my strength kept me in the relationship too long -10 years. I was conscientious about promises I made and that’s how the narcs get at you. They don’t have a conscience and use yours against you. To anyone who suspects their partner is a p/s/n I say get away from them. Take back your life. Stop swallowing the poison. Withdrawal symptoms hurt, just as they would from any drug you might be addicted to, but when the pain finally begins to lessen you rediscover the person you were always meant to be.

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    1. intothelight

      SOOO true. Very early on, I knew something wasn’t right. But because I had no idea what I was dealing with, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. By the time things got really bad, I was already “conditioned” to hang on tighter. I’m glad to be free, but I’m in such a hurting place because of the betrayal and deceit, and then to be discarded for someone younger. I know in the long run I am better off. I just want the pain to stop.

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    2. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Safire, so true! I was listening to Spartan life coach the other night and he said the number one sign that you are involved with a narcissist is; you are on the internet looking for answers. If you are involved with a normal person, you don’t have to look up on the internet what the hell is happening to you!!
      hugs my friend~!

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      1. Rosi

        Ciao Carrie, I ve been listening to Spartan life coach too the last days, so true, inspiring, revealing and healing. Such a relief. And sometimes also funny. A bit of humor helps a lot.
        Hope you’ll be glad to read what I have just written below and enjoy the music.

        Ciao and big hugs from Italy

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      2. safirefalcon

        LOL, I watched that one too. I remember hearing him saying that and laughing. I’m laughing now too, because it really is true.

        Hugs back. I was getting worried about you since we hadn’t seen a post from you for a while. Glad to know you’re ok.

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        1. Rosi

          safirefalcon, thank you so much, I’m just fine today, I think it is a new beginning.
          It feels so good and it is more knowing that you care. Yes, he made me laugh too.
          I think that when we can appreciate again insightful sense of humor something is actually changing.
          Abbracci (hugs) anche a te, ciao.

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  8. Rosi

    Hi Ladies and Gentlemen, even if I know there will be other moments through the healing process, I am starting to feel free, finally! I was going to write “I am starting to feel free again” but I believe it is a totally different way than before. A deep feeling of peace and liberation just popped up. So.. just wanted you to know improving is possible and share my joy for this moment with someone who can understand: You.

    Some beautiful music to celebrate it: Resolution (!) by Thievery Corporation

    Ciao journey Companions

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    1. Carrie Reimer Post author

      Rosi! thank you for sharing with us!! and thank you for the beautiful music! I am so happy you have found inner peace. You are right, there is something good that comes from all that pain, and if a person is willing to do the work and really look within; there is an inner peace and freedom like they have never known. I think actually, that a person would not be able to reach that level of inner peace without having gone through the pain. I am so glad you have found it and it is growing within you. No matter what my life is like, no matter how bad things get, I still have inner peace like never before. Once you have it, I don’t think it is possible to lose it.
      Big hugs!!
      ciao

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        1. kim

          rosi thankyou so much for sharing this beautiful music making us feel there is light through the darkness im not there yet but hope to be one day so pleased you have found inner peace you are an amazing person and an inspiration to us all i wish you continued peace thankyou rosi xxx

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  9. Rosi

    Hi Kim, This is not yet an arrival point but a hopeful starting one. I know my path is a work in progress but I can feel it is going better and better. Thank you so much to you ad your heartful wishing and words of appreciation, I now know we can all go stronger and find our own way to inner peace and a new awareness through our experiences.
    I’m pleased you have enjoyed the music also.
    take care, ciao

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