I have had a few people email me to make sure I am ok because I have been a little scarce lately. I am fine! I have just had a tough week; for one thing;
I have had nothing but trouble from my laptop since the drone incident. I know it sounds paranoid to say that, I find it hard to believe myself. My mom said, “I suppose he is crazy enough to be that vindictive but it does sound a little far-fetched.”
It sounded far-fetched to think he was tampering with my brake line when I caught him under my truck and then later that day my brakes and power steering failed, people looked at me like I was nuts that time too. That is why I always tell people, “No matter how bizarre it may sound, believe the victim, if it is at all possible then it is possible the narcissist is doing it.”
But regardless of the reason, my laptop has been a total hag lately; I think (fingers crossed) that I have it back up and running like normal, so far so good. All week it was terribly slow and kept telling me I was out of memory when I had just cleared everything from it and put it on a USB. It became practically useless, it took so long to open anything. Even typing a Word document without being on the net at all was an act of futility. But now that I have had to reboot it from scratch I have lost my Word program anyway. As it is, none of my resumes open properly and I need to redo my resume because I am applying for any jobs I might be qualified to do.
I hesitate to say anything on here because I don’t want James to think he won. (I hate that I think about “he won” or “I win”), But if he was behind the drone and my laptop screwing up, he accomplished what he set out to do. I spent all week just trying to get back up to speed and still haven’t sent my resume out to anyone, but he only succeeded in slowing me down, not stopping me. On that note, does anyone know of a free word processing app that is compatible with Microsoft Word and won’t take me hours to figure out. I just want to open my resume, make a few little changes and send it off but so far every app I have tried won’t let things be that simple. HELP!!
The little sparks of a possibly romance have fizzled, there were a few things that really didn’t sit right with me, for one I think he is a drama queen, I always felt I was supposed to cheer him up and hey, just not into it. I want to be treated like a lady and courted, not just hop in the sack with some guy; sorry guy.
For example, I was sitting at the communal picnic table and I had a box of copper fittings and seeing if anyone wanted to buy some. He came up and I mentioned it to him and he said, “You have something I want but it isn’t in that box.” Everyone laughed and I laughed along and pretended I didn’t understand what he meant.
We are not in high school, I am not desperate and does that line really work for him?
It seemed he was always going through something emotional and it was always someone else’s fault. Then he walked down and was petting Stella and I asked if he had ever owned a dog and he looked at me with his most “sincere, broken-hearted look” sighed and said, “Oh yes.”
That was it, no explanation, like “yes I had a dog named Lassie who used to go around saving young children and he got hit by a train right in front of me and I was damaged for life.” THAT is the kind of look he gave me, like over the top for the situation. I loved my Kato as much as anyone can love a dog and if someone asked me if I had a dog before Stella I would probably get a little choked up and say that I had to put him down a year and 1/2 ago and that would be it. No drama, no trauma, no muss no fuss. Toooooooo scarlet Ohara for me. I was immediately reminded of James throwing his hand up in a transparent attempt to block my view so I couldn’t see him crying when he told me he thought I had died when he heard I had a heart attack. (when in reality he was probably squirting onion juice in his eyes trying to produce some believable tears.) This guy at the marina is always SOOOO sincere. *pfpt!! not into it thank you very much. Not into a bunch of emotions before I even get to know a guy, not into bolstering some guy’s spirits every time I see him and not into falling into bed with a 65-year-old man who can’t even ask me for a dinner date.
Aside from that nothing much has changed. Last week was my 3rd appointment with the new funding office and she was away sick, yet I did not have phone service, didn’t know she was away sick and drove to my appointment anyway, more wasted time and fuel. I am ready to give up on the funding idea and the Better Business Bureau got me no where, there are so many loop holes and ways to pass the buck that I feel I am fighting a losing battle and who needs the added frustration? I went to my appointment this week and was told that there isn’t enough time to get me into school for the July enrollment. No surprise to me. I spent most of my time in her office crying.
It is the same old story, I need a secure place to live before they will approve funding for school, which makes sense; but if I am not getting funding for school I am not going to stay here because the cost of living is so much higher than in one of the small town. For example gas where i live is $1.39 a litre, in Mission where I moved from it is $1.18 a litre. And I have to move from here anyway and where I move is going to be determined by if I get to go to school.
If I get a job, I am automatically disqualified for funding because I am working. So I am applying for jobs for delivery drivers, parking lot attendants, anything that will make me enough money to live. It is not sustainable, I will be unemployed again in a few years at the most because I am 57, I can’t hump heavy weight forever but I have to eat also.
Yes, I am writing a book but that does not put food on the table now, it is not possible to cater meals, I have one burner on the stove that works and the water pump hasn’t worked for two weeks. It is fine for me, I get by but I can’t be cooking for other people. I have put a flyer out to all the local businesses offering to do any kind of work at all, no job too small.
I have always thought you have to work hard for what you want but there comes a time you have to realize you are fighting a losing battle and maybe what you are fighting for is not meant to be or the right thing for you to do.
I am feeling better than I was two days ago, maybe just accepting it and admitting it made it easier but I still have self-doubt. I still have days where I think, “Maybe it was all me, maybe I am the psycho bitch that made him the way he was. Because things wouldn’t be so tough if I was a good person.” I don’t believe that deep down and it is really easy for me to prove to myself that he had no excuse to treat me the way he did.
I have had nightmares of him again, which I think is normal considering the situation. I do think I have made a mistake by calling him a narcissist though. I think I am even going to change the subtitle of the blog from surviving a narcissist to surviving a psychopath.
There are a handful of people who always donate to the blog what they can and I so appreciate it and I don’t want those people to give again, enough is enough. But if you have been helped by the blog and have not donated before, a small donation of $5 or $10 would be greatly appreciated. If you can’t donate don’t feel bad, I understand.
And please, don’t forget to let me know of any Word app that I can download for free.
Hugs from Canada!