The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same

I have had a few people email me to make sure I am ok because I have been a little scarce lately. I am fine!  I have just had a tough week; for one thing;

I have had nothing but trouble from my laptop since the drone incident. I know it sounds paranoid to say that, I find it hard to believe myself. My mom said, “I suppose he is crazy enough to be that vindictive but it does sound a little far-fetched.”

It sounded far-fetched to think he was tampering with my brake line when I caught him under my truck and then later that day my brakes and power steering failed, people looked at  me like I was nuts that time too. That is why I always tell people, “No matter how bizarre it may sound, believe the victim, if it is at all possible then it is possible the narcissist is doing it.”

But regardless of the reason, my laptop has been a total hag lately; I think (fingers crossed) that I have it back up and running like normal, so far so good. All week it was terribly slow and kept telling me I was out of memory when I had just cleared everything from it and put it on a USB. It became practically useless, it took so long to open anything. Even typing a Word document without being on the net at all was an act of futility. But now that I have had to reboot it from scratch I have lost my Word program anyway. As it is, none of my resumes open properly and I need to redo my resume because I am applying for any jobs I might be qualified to do.

 

I hesitate to say anything on here because I don’t want James to think he won. (I hate that I think about “he won” or “I win”), But if he was behind the drone and my laptop screwing up, he accomplished what he set out to do. I spent all week just trying to get back up to speed and still haven’t sent my resume out to anyone, but he only succeeded in slowing me down, not stopping me. On that note, does anyone know of a free word processing app that is compatible with Microsoft Word and won’t take me hours to figure out. I just want to open my resume, make a few little changes and send it off but so far every app I have tried won’t let things be that simple. HELP!!

The little sparks of a possibly romance have fizzled, there were a few things that really didn’t sit right with me, for one I think he is a drama queen, I always felt I was supposed to cheer him up and hey, just not into it. I want to be treated like a lady and courted, not just hop in the sack with some guy; sorry guy.

For example, I was sitting at the communal picnic table and I had a box of copper fittings and seeing if anyone wanted to buy some. He came up and I mentioned it to him and he said, “You have something I want but it isn’t in that box.” Everyone laughed and I laughed along and pretended I didn’t understand what he meant.

We are not in high school, I am not desperate and does that line really work for him?

It seemed he was always going through something emotional and it was always someone else’s fault. Then he walked down and was petting Stella and I asked if he had ever owned a dog and he looked at me with his most “sincere, broken-hearted look” sighed and said, “Oh yes.”

That was it, no explanation, like “yes I had a dog named Lassie who used to go around saving young children and he got hit by a train right in front of me and I was damaged for life.” THAT is the kind of look he gave me, like over the top for the situation. I loved my Kato as much as anyone can love a dog and if someone asked me if I had a dog before Stella I would probably get a little choked up and say that I had to put him down a year and 1/2 ago and that would be it. No drama, no trauma, no muss no fuss. Toooooooo scarlet Ohara for me. I was immediately reminded of James throwing his hand up in a transparent attempt to block my view so I couldn’t see him crying when he told me he thought I had died when he heard I had a heart attack. (when in reality he was probably squirting onion juice in his eyes trying to produce some believable tears.) This guy at the marina is always SOOOO sincere. *pfpt!! not into it thank you very much. Not into a bunch of emotions before I even get to know a guy, not into bolstering some guy’s spirits every time I see him and not into falling into bed with a 65-year-old man who can’t even ask me for a dinner date.

Aside from that nothing much has changed. Last week was my 3rd appointment with the new funding office and she was away sick, yet I did not have phone service, didn’t know she was away sick and drove to my appointment anyway, more wasted time and fuel. I am ready to give up on the funding idea and the Better Business Bureau got me no where, there are so many loop holes and ways to pass the buck that I feel I am fighting a losing battle and who needs the added frustration? I went to my appointment this week and was told that there isn’t enough time to get me into school for the July enrollment. No surprise to me. I spent most of my time in her office crying.

It is the same old story, I need a secure place to live before they will approve funding for school, which makes sense; but if I am not getting funding for school I am not going to stay here because the cost of living is so much higher than in one of the small town. For example gas where i live is $1.39 a litre, in Mission where I moved from it is $1.18 a litre. And I have to move from here anyway and where I move is going to be determined by if I get to go to school.

If I get a job, I am automatically disqualified for funding because I am working. So I am applying for jobs for delivery drivers, parking lot attendants, anything that will make me enough money to live. It is not sustainable, I will be unemployed again in a few years at the most because I am 57, I can’t hump heavy weight forever but I have to eat also.

Yes, I am writing a book but that does not put food on the table now, it is not possible to cater meals, I have one burner on the stove that works and the water pump hasn’t worked for two weeks. It is fine for me, I get by but I can’t be cooking for other people. I have put a flyer out to all the local businesses offering to do any kind of work at all, no job too small.

I have always thought you have to work hard for what you want but there comes a time you have to realize you are fighting a losing battle and maybe what you are fighting for is not meant to be or the right thing for you to do.

I am feeling better than I was two days ago, maybe just accepting it and admitting it made it easier but I still have self-doubt. I still have days where I think, “Maybe it was all me, maybe I am the psycho bitch that made him the way he was. Because things wouldn’t be so tough if I was a good person.” I don’t believe that deep down and it is really easy for me to prove to myself that he had no excuse to treat me the way he did.

I have had nightmares of him again, which I think is normal considering the situation. I do think I have made a mistake by calling him a narcissist though. I think I am even going to change the subtitle of the blog from surviving a narcissist to surviving a psychopath.

There are a handful of people who always donate to the blog what they can and I so appreciate it and I don’t want those people to give again, enough is enough. But if you have been helped by the blog and have not donated before, a small donation of $5 or $10 would be greatly appreciated. If you can’t donate don’t feel bad, I understand.

And please, don’t forget to let me know of any Word app that I can download for free.

Thanks all

Hugs from Canada!

 

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30 Replies to “The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same”

  1. Ellebelle, all psychopaths are narcissists but not all narcissists are psychopaths, the thing is they are so much alike that by the time you figure out that they are a psychopath, it is too late and you are dead. I wouldn’t want someone to read my blog and think, “Oh my guy doesn’t do that so he isn’t a narcissist, James is an extreme case. That is all that I meant by that.
    As for not using his name on the blog; for the first 3+ years I didn’t use his name at all. It was not until he tried to get me evicted, fired and opened his blogs using MY real name, company name and where i lived in his posts slandering me, telling the most outrageous lies. it was when he did that; that i started to use his name because I thought, “Why was I protecting him from the truth when he has no problem trying to ruin me with lies?” I still don’t use his full name so anyone who Googled his name would not get to my blog. The only way anyone he knows will read my blog is if he directs them to it. So not using his name is not going to make a difference. I am revealing his true nature, that is going to piss him off and he will try to shut me up. It is his choice to read it.
    I know you mean well and are trying to come up with ways for me to feel better but like I said to someone else: James is responsible for the most life changing event of my life, the catalyst for the biggest growth experience of my life; he will always be a part of me now. I have turned it into one of the most positive experiences of my life through this blog and helping others. I don’t let it hold me back, I have let it make me grow more self aware and become a better person. I would not change anything if given the chance because i like who i am. I started the blog for the sole purpose of helping others going through what i did, and to raise awareness. If I am not going to write about it then there is no need for the blog. I don’t have the blog because I love to write so much, I have the blog for the sole purpose of ending domestic abuse and if i talk about abuse, I talk about James. If he doesn’t want me talking about him maybe he should have treated me better. Like I told him, if me telling the truth makes you look like an asshole, then maybe you should stop acting like an asshole.

    I can’t say I am not afraid of him, that would be a lie and I know he is quite capable of killing me or causing me great damage of all kinds but if I shut open and “move on” I will be another one of the victims who keeps the secret just so the narc will hopefully leave her alone. Many victims never speak out because they are either afraid of angering the narcissist or because they are made to feel they are crazy when they try to tell their story. When my suicide attempt failed I made a choice to live but I needed to be accountable to someone, I couldn’t profess to the world that I was going to survive and then try to kill myself again. After reading “My Inner Chick” and the way she lays the emotions out there, shows her pain without any reservations, lets people really feel her pain and is honest about what she feels and thinks, I admired her strength so much, to be strong enough to lay your soul out there for the world to see and I thought, “I am going to do that, for good or bad, I am going to be honest with what i am feeling even if it might not put me in the best light because I wanted people to know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve or heal. We all do it at our own pace. I didn’t want to “give a lesson” or write a speech, i wanted people to feel comfortable enough to bare their souls and know they would not be criticized for it, they would be embraced and supported and they are not crazy.

    I share here so others learn from what i am going through, it may not be what they are going through but it shows I am not perfect and they don’t have to be either. So many times bloggers only tell you what you need to do they never tell you what they went through, how many times they screwed up or how many times they doubted themselves. They give the rules of “how to heal,” and the victims think there is something wrong with them if they can’t do no contact like a pro.

    if I do write the book and publish it I think there will be major trouble from James and I don’t know if I am prepared to take that on. I think that is why he is ramping things up, I had the interview, I am talking about writing a book, and he wants to shut me up.

    What has triggered me is him reappearing in my life and me not knowing what he has planned and people trying to minimize what is going on. “I don’t know he is behind my laptop problems” no I don’t, i don’t have solid proof of most of the things he did to me, if i did he would be in jail now. When i know he has been in my blog every day for a solid week, 20 hours on one day alone, then his step dad calls me and acts really funny and asks where i am living now and then has to get off the phone right away. and then when i see a white semi in the wee hours of the morning, when absolutely NO businesses are open for another couple of hours and when he sees me he slams on his brakes but there is no where for him to go and and he has to back up. Then a couple of days later i have a drone right outside my window for like 1/2 an hour or more and my laptop stops working at the exact same time. I don’t know , I think I have ever right to be concerned and think that he is behind it.

    What has triggered me is people like my mother, who knows what james is capable of and can’t believe I stayed with him yet she is the one saying “well you don’t know for sure he is behind your laptop screwing up”. If just my laptop screwed up I would not immediately think James had something to do with it; that would be paranoid, that would be, being “triggered” but it is not triggered if it is real and happening. It is people saying things like “You don’t know he is trying to kill you, you have no proof.” that gets women killed because they doubt their gut instincts.

    wow that got really long!!
    Sorry
    hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Carrie, my father died a half year ago. My mother is missing him very much after 63 years. I talked to her on the phone and she told me that. I said, that I could understand it, because I misses my ex also. She said, that she really doesn’t understand why I miss him and I am thinking of him. My dad was not always a nice man. They had good times and they had bad times. And he really wasn’t easy. But she is entitled to miss him and me missing my ex after 31 years being together, may not. Then there are people and even psychologists who say: you can say he is a narcissist or a psychopath, but we really don’t know him to say such a thing about him. So I really know what you mean. Love, Elisabeth

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  3. “I have had nightmares of him again, which I think is normal considering the situation. I do think I have made a mistake by calling him a narcissist though. I think I am even going to change the subtitle of the blog from surviving a narcissist to surviving a psychopath.”

    Close, but let’s think this thing further! What you were dealing with was even more serious IMO. From things you’ve written, I believe James is a bona fide SOCIOPATH! You’ve indicated before that you believe he was capable of KILLING you. Rigging your brakes to fail, beating you horribly. all his threats and mechanizations…It shows an intent and desire on his part to KILL you!

    This is what Sociopaths do and are fully capable of us. He came close to killing you a number of times…he very well could have! Thank God you got away from him when you did! These are guys we find the prisons convicted of murder. You almost didn’t survive him. I think he is extremely dangerous. I hope someone saves his newest “love” aka VICTIM before she ends up on a slab in the coroner’s office. (Yes, I’m very serious!

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    1. Only Me, sociopath, psychopath, they are all the same thing Anti-Social Personality Disorder. As is narcissist, all under the same heading. Some people call them sociopaths others call the psychopaths, either way, they will kill you. Yes!
      I have often worried about his new woman, he used to always tell me he had life insurance so that if anything ever happened to him I would be wealthy. I never say any paperwork on it, never was told where I would find this insurance policy if he should die or what company it was with. He mentioned one time didn’t I think I should have one payable to him, seeing as he one for me. Haha, yeah, ok. He always wanted me to seal my record and i said, why would I pay $400 to seal my record when I don’t have a record? He said because all the times the police came to the house would show up on my record and his name would be attached in that way. I said, “Well, guess you should have thought about that before you hit me. Seal your record if you want but mine is staying just the way it is.”

      Wouldn’t that be great, life insurance payable to him and no record of any previous violence or abuse. It gives me shudders, I still can’t believe he would kill me, but who has conversations like that? I am sure many women who die at the hands of their partner didn’t think he would really kill them.
      When she stops handing out the money, when she runs out of money, is she going to be a good enough driver to keep her vehicle on the road when the brakes fail? He choked me until I passed out, will he stop in time with her? he punched me in the head and I fell against the counter and blacked out, will she hit her head at the exact spot that will kill her?
      I would not be the least bit surprised to hear she died of mysterious causes.
      Scary.
      HUgs

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    1. Only Me, thank you. I visited that site, yes there are many sites actually that pertain to drones and how accessible they are and what they are capable of. It all sounds so theatrical, futuristic, that people don’t think it can happen. That it only happens with the army spying on the enemy, that kind of thing. But technology advances so quickly and that train of thought makes it even easier for people like James to pull this shit off.
      I mean, he always had a remote control something or other, planes, cars, helicopters, he was totally into spy stuff. At first it was tape recorders that he hid, then it was video taping us having sex with a hidden camera, then it was watching me with a hidden camera, the tracking device on my truck (I don;t know for sure it was him that put it there, but who else would want to track me? and I saw the device, the mechanic had no reason to lie to me) I know he hacked into my phone, he all but admitted it in a comment he left on the blog. So why not a drone? It makes perfect sense to me and I am positive he was behind the drone. If it was someone randomly looking in people’s boats for fun they would have looked in more boats than just mine!
      To him it would be a challenge also, he is highly intelligent so would get right into building one. Plus I have seen him when he felt he had been wronged by someone, like fired from a job (rightfully so, because he was stealing) he would obsess about it for literally years. he had so many court cases started against ex employers I lost count, he never won any but he sure liked to think he was going to win big time. That is how he got the new woman to give him $20,000, on the promise he would pay her back when he won his court case.
      Thanks for sharing that link. I know people think I am nuts, paranoid, imagining things, but I know there was a drone outside my window, I doubted my own eyes because who the hell has a drone looking in their window? and I know it was focused on my boat.
      It makes sense. His step dad calls and asks me where I am living now. I had mentioned on the blog i was living on a boat, but did not say where. I trusted his step dad and who knows what James said to him to get him to call. But the minute I said where the marina was he had to go, it is close to a casino and James’s mom is totally into gambling so I had said to his step dad that they should come to the casino and we could get together. He was hesitant and then said yeah that would be great. Then he asked exactly where it was again and I said it was close to where James used to work. Then he wanted off the phone right away, i asked how they were doing and he didn’t have time to talk. I immediately felt uneasy and I never have with his step dad. Then the semi at 5 am in the morning coming around the corner and stopping right in front of me, I told myself I was being paranoid because of the call from his step dad but then when I looked at his you tube and he had just downloaded a video of his new, 1988 kenworth long nose, I watched it and it was the truck. There are many white Kenworth’s around, but not a 1988 Kenworth, in fact I have seen two, the one that morning and the one on the video.
      Even so, I said to myself it could be a coincidence. But then the drone at the exact time I was to be interviewed and my laptop crashes? Too many coincidences for me. I don’t really believe he had anything to do with my tire blowing, but who knows. He is a vicious, vindictive, evil person who would not want me to be giving interviews or writing a book about my life with him.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t think you are being paranoid at all. But I’ve had enough experience to know that there’s a lot of malware out there that can install itself without your knowledge or permission. Most of the time, it is redirect to you sites to bring in money. But there’s also a lot sociopaths (or psychopaths if you prefer) who get pure joy out of causing harm to others.

        James sounds like a very maligmat individual. Not even knowing him, he scares me! I have no doubt that James’s current flame (cough, cough) is in mortal danger! This guy has a violent history that gives me the shakes! If it was me, I’d do everything I could to put him away for good!

        There was never any evidence my ex psycho boy was dangerous although he did have those narcissistic rages. He was of the cerebral variety. Maybe if I’d ever lived with him, I would seen more violent behavior. I’ll never know for sure. He’s OW’s problem now, and I know she’s already signed over half her property and business to him! I pity the fool (how I see her), but it’s none of my business. I wish her well though.

        To my knowledge, he’s never really stalked or hoovered me although his flying monkey minions are different matter. They’ve chased me all over the internet to harass and intimidate me, as they ran back to psycho boy to report everything they know about me, which really wasn’t a lot! I’ve since created many aliases and profiles on different sites, so they can never be absolutely certain who I am. I’ts been a lot safer that way!

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  4. Hi Carrie,
    I don’t know who are the people telling you are nuts, paranoid and/or imagining things. One thing is telling you that you /we don’t know for sure if what happened to your laptop is actually related to that drone or if your tire has been sabotaged. That’s a fact. But, wether those events are related or not, you have a right to be careful and share your legitimate suspects without being called nuts or paranoid. I believe you when you tell us that all of those incidents and coincidences are at least weird. You and most of us know very well what some people we have dealt with are capable of. So try to not take into much account what others might say and keep trusting your instinct, just to be safe and try to not second guess yourself because that would be exactly what sick people tried to train you to think about yourself: that you cannot trust your thoughts and your perceptions. When I once wrote to you, just like I have written above, “we don’t know for sure what happened” was’t meant to doubt your words or what you felt or what you have witnessed with your own eyes but just to remind you to stay grounded and don’t focus too much on those events, just to avoid the risk of sliding (even if the origin of all is actually and absolutely real) and being stuck in a vicious circle of fear and malignant thinking that in my opinion you would not benefit from in the long term. Don’t give him/them that power. Keep cool.

    Hope this makes sense to you, take good care,
    Ciao

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    1. Rosi, thank you for your comment and I know you mean well and I don’t take offense to what you have said but it does trigger something in me. I will try to explain. I trusted James explicitly for the first 3-4 years of our relationship, but as time went on I could not ignore my gut or the coincidences. But no one wants to falsely accuse someone of something so crazy as sabotaging my vehicle, tampering with my brake line, so I would get up the courage to mention it to someone else, to see what they thought of what was going on or I would ask a mechanic what he thought. People were quick to say he was a lousy mechanic (but he wasn’t, he was a genius when it came to fixing a vehicle) but if I suggested he did it on purpose right away people would change the subject, say something like “No one saw him do anything, you have no proof” “now don’t go getting paranoid” “Brake lines wear through, you don’t KNOW he did something.” So I would think, “Ok, I am being paranoid” and I would stay.
      I never caught him red handed, I never had PROOF. So many victims come in here and say they will leave as soon as they have proof. Don’t wait for proof!! you end up staying 10 years like me, or longer; you never get solid proof (or rarely) and the N will never confess, there is always going to be doubt.
      The same people who say, why did you stay are the ones who will say, “But you don’t know for sure. it sounds rather far fetched to me”. I am not sure if it is that they just refuse to face the fact that these people exist or if it is that they think I am over reacting or paranoid.
      I am sorry but when someone says to me, “no one knows for sure.” I am hearing, “you are being paranoid and probably James had nothing to do with it.”
      My mom saying, “It all sounds so far fetched, that drones would be flying outside your window. ” so what are you saying mother? I am seeing things? because I saw a fricken drone right outside my window. The same when I come out and see him coming out from under my truck and then my brake line ‘wears’ through an hour down the road. I don’t KNOW he did something to my brake line. Or when i go to meet my son for lunch and beside my truck are a bunch of tools and the hood is up, and 1/2 hour down the road I break down, I don’t KNOW James did something to my truck, but I have every reason to suspect it. When my truck broke down the day after James “fixed” it (and asked me to get him a 5/16″ wrench) and I called a friend to come look at it and he looks and says immediately “who’s been fucking with your truck and asks me for a 5/16″ wrench.”
      Everyone needs support and reinforcement at some point in their life and they might not have bruises (even when James hit me he never left bruises) but when a victim of narcissistic abuse finds the courage to tell someone about what is going on behind closed doors they don’t need to hear, “You don’t know for sure.” “you have no proof” “Oh who would do something like that?”
      They need to hear, get the hell out of there, this guy is dangerous!! no if ands or buts about it. They need to be believed and not questioned as to their sanity or perception of what they saw or feel.
      The victim of abuse is living in a totally foreign world, where nothing makes sense, nothing is normal or healthy. The abuser is telling them that they are crazy, paranoid, see and hearing things, and then they tell someone and that person shows any doubt at all and the victim will shut up and never tell anyone anything ever again.
      As for not dwelling on whether it is him or not as I might in a vicious cycle of fear and malignant thinking that would be unhealthy for me. I have been out for almost 5 years and have had the blog for almost as long. I have the blog to share my experiences in hopes of saving someone else from going through what I have or am going through. I share everything because I want people to see that there is no limit to the evil of these people, that they are not paranoid and that a person can survive it.
      I was in hiding basically for the first year or more and thought I was safe to venture out and get my life back on track. I put an offer in on a house, got a new job and was really feeling confident and the past was behind me. I even started answering calls if I didn’t know the number (because I had to with my new job) but i had not heard from James in well over a year and thought he was happily abusing his new woman and would leave me alone.
      Then i return a phone call and i get his voicemail. my gut flipped and i dropped my phone I was in such a hurry to hang up. I didn’t let it plague me, what could he do? it was strange that he called and didn’t leave a message, it was strange he didn’t answer when i called right back but I didn’t let myself think too much about it. Then he started commenting on the blog and I dealt with that, and then using alias’s and when I stopped that he started his own blogs, putting one up and taking the other one down so I could never prove he was doing it.
      Then there were anonymous complaints made about me making noise at night and keeping the neighbors awake. I had no idea what they were talking about and I almost got evicted over it but finally said, “Look, next time there is a complaint come and check for yourself. Don’t worry about getting woke up in the middle of the night, because it isn’t happening.” Finally they believed me when I said I thought it was James trying to make trouble. But it is stressful, a person can not “just not think about it.” or leave the past behind them when their past won’t leave them alone.
      Then I get called into the office for a meeting and am handed my final paycheck and separation papers because they had an anonymous complaint that I had been seen doing Crack cocaine and drinking Mike Hard Lemonaid at the Husky Gas Station. I said, “You believed an anonymous caller?” and my boss said, “Who would call if it wasn’t true?” well of course I had not told anyone I had an abusive ex because I was leaving my past behind me and it is not something you discuss when you first get a job. So now when I said it was probably my abusive ex they think I am just making excuses. Then he said it was a man of the law. and I said “A cop saw me drinking and doing drugs and let me drive away?” he said well no it wasn’t a cop, it was a fireman. (James used to be a fireman) I was totally caught off guard, I didn’t know what to say or how to defend myself. Then it hit me, I lived only 5 minutes from the Husky Gas station and that was where I was when I returned James’s call. If he put a tracker on my GPS (which is possible) he would have been able to pick up where I was. When I said to my boss, I live 5 minutes from the Husky, I am a 56 year old woman, if I was going to do drugs and drink in the middle of the day why would I sit in the company truck at a busy gas station when I could be in the comfort of my own home? That hit him, I could tell he was rethinking it and my two bosses asked me to leave while they discussed things. When I came back their attitudes had totally changed. But the stress of all of this brought on my 2nd heart attack and I haven’t worked since, except for my brother.

      Two years have passed, you would think James would have moved on with his life; any normal person would have. But that is why I have the blog, he is not a normal person and I am trying to warn other people about these evil soul suckers who will do anything and everything to destroy you. Yes, I have every reason to believe he would try to destroy whatever good I have in my life, I do not feel paranoid, I don’t even care if people believe me. What gets to me is being told to not let it get to me, not to dwell on it, that it would be unhealthy of me to get caught up in the vicious cycle with him. It is not like I am entering into anything with him, I am not trying to ruin his life. He is trying to ruin mine or worst. To ignore it and hope it goes away or because i don’t want to hang onto the past or because I don’t want to let him get to me would be really stupid especially when I knew what he is capable of.
      I could shut the blog down and it certainly has crossed my mind; it would be the one thing that might appease him; but I would have to take it right off the internet because as long as my name is attached to it and it is on the net he will have it in for me. But then I am doing what so many other victims do, give the narcissist what he wants so he will leave them alone. They keep their silence, keep the N’s secrets to protect themselves and future victims have to figure it out for themselves. When I see how many people I have helped, and every time i am about to close the blog i will get another testimony from someone saying I saved their life and I can’t do it. I made a promise to myself and God that if I survived I would do everything I could to prevent others from going what I went through. Plus I can not let him win like that. he took everything away from me, took control of every aspect of my life and almost took my life; i won’t lay down for him ever again. i don’t use his name, I have never done this as revenge. I thought long and hard about why I was doing it because I didn’t want to be vengeful, and I didn’t want someone to Google his name and have my blog come up because I didn’t want to ruin his life.
      But if something happened to me and someone was looking for answers they would find my blog and have the answers they needed to hopefully nail him.
      i suppose it is by my own choice that I remain a target of his, mind you, I had been no contact with him for a year and he still popped into my life and tried to sabotage my business. I had to change where I did business and lost money because of it but it was worth it. I changed my phone number and lost business. But it is the principle of the thing, I can’t allow him to bully me into silence.
      This is terribly long but i just had to clarify some things because I felt some people were not understanding why I am upset and maybe they still don’t. I don’t lose any sleep over it, I do what I can to stay safe and part of that is being aware of what he is capable of and not ignoring signs that he is back at it.
      Hugs to you Rosi, i know you don’t mean anything unkind with your words and only mean to be supportive. nor does my mother, but it just triggers me back to when I was trying to get someone to believe he was sabotaging my truck etc and no one did. Not until his sister was there with me did I finally have someone who believed me because they witnessed it. Even then, there was no solid proof but I was not alone.

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  5. Hi Carrie, thank you for your accurate explaination. I see you feel upset. I am sorry for that, I can understand what you mean. Believe me, I can. I understand when you hear someone telling you “we don’t know for sure” you hear “You are imagining things” or “you are paranoid or overreacting” because I have experienced it too, unluckly. So please stick to the facts: When I say to you “we don’t know for sure” that is precisely what I mean and nothing else. Please remember, I have dealt with a person like that too, so I do know what it feels like when others don’t trust your words or doubt them and that’s not my case. As I wrote in my previous post, I believe your words, what you have witnessed with you own eyes. And yes, I have been trying to give some support just because I know what it feels like to stay in fear: fear of what could happen, fear of what other could think of you if you speak out loud the truth. I never meant to instill the thought you should stay silent, I feel it would be very unfair, because of what I have personally experienced, I did spoke out loud with my goodbye letter before my suicide attempt to all the people involved in that evil mess both positive and negative ones, pointing out accurately each degree of responsibility of all. So, I do not need to be reminded of the importance of it.
    Please note also that I never said you shouldn’t have spoken out to the world and through your blog what you are experiencing, I know very well this is something basically all people reaching out for help or searching for asnwers can benefit from. What I was trying to say (words are ambiguous and difficult to manage in your own native language, so are they even more when you are trying to talk about such a touchy subject) is it is not only ok but necessary to tell others of such events but after that do try to not think of them too much for your own sake (and that does not mean do not think, because I also know it is not possible but do try to focus your thoughts on something healthier for you some of your time; if I can so can you).

    In my opinion, a friend, even one you have never met in person and likely ever meet, needs to tell you something that maybe you will disagree with or at risk to be perceived as a trigger but that comes from heartful best intention.

    Hugs to you too Carrie, stay safe and stay wise.

    Ciao

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