Winners and Losers and Those Who Just Don’t Play By The Rules

I watched a video the other day about an 11 year old little boy with Cerebral Palsy who decided he was going to participate in the longest running race at school. There was no way he had a chance at winning and it was unlikely he would even be able to finish but when he started to lag and look like he was about to give up his gym coach ran out to him and said, “You aren’t thinking about giving up are you? then a girl from his class ran up and started shouting words of encouragement. Other kids saw her and joined in, eventually the whole school was cheering him on and he made it to the finish line.

He was the last across the finish line but in his mind and the minds of everyone who witnessed his run, he was a winner.

stand up

I feel sometimes like this blog is like that, when one of us starts to lag, feels like giving up; the others rally around and cheer them on. None of us knows even how far it is to the finish line, it can be hard to run a race when you can’t see the end and someone is putting obstacles in front of you trying to trip you up. But it is so nice to know there are people rooting for you out there in the big scary world. Thank you all for your words of encouragement.

I mentioned that it bothers me to think James might “win”, and it does cross my mind that in HIS mind if he can ruin my chances of a comfortable future, he will have won. Which only goes to show how sick he really is. The fact that he thought it was acceptable when he said that he was a “success” and wanted to help me be a success also; when all he had done was hook a widow with money, shows how out of touch with reality he is and how far off course his thought patterns are. How fucked up his priorities are and how low his standards are. No normal man would brag about being a success when he is living off of a woman.

unblanaced

I know that no matter what James has not, nor will he ever “win” over me; no matter what he thinks or what he values, he has lost. It is one thing to revel in the thought that a person loved you so much that they never got over you and lived with a broken heart until the day they died. I suppose some people would get some sort of sick ego boost out of that but to purposely try to destroy a person’s future is so far from normal or acceptable it boggles my mind that he would get any kind of thrill or self satisfaction from it.

I will never forget the look of pure glee on his face when he was talking about his ex who drank herself to death and how much she hated me. It was an Ah Ha moment where he revealed his true colors, when he said she hated me because we were so happy for 10 years. For one thing, why on earth would someone be happy about someone drinking themselves to death over them and for another thing he obviously was telling her something totally different than what was going on in our house, because according to him i made his life hell for 10 years. You can’t have it both ways; unless you are a narcissist. Because you fabricate reality to suit your needs at the time. he needed her to believe we were madly in love and happy, he needed me to feel like I made him miserable for 10 years and in order to “prove” to his new woman and his family that it was me making him the way he was. The way he looked at me when he said it, I could tell he didn’t see anything wrong with what he was saying and he was confused because I wasn’t laughing with him. He had thought I would be complimented or something and I just thought, “You sick son of a bitch”.

I didn’t play the rules like he thought I would, he didn’t think I would ever speak out, he didn’t think would be able to walk away, he didn’t think I would ever put up a fight and call “bullshit”, so he is pissed off. When I had to get rid of my F550, when he screwed it up and it had to be towed, he never counted on me calling his step dad to help me get it out. He had approached me with an offer from one of his friends, that they would pay the towing and storage charges on it and give me a few hundred bucks on top to buy a cheap car with. I know what he was planning. He was going to get a buddy to bail out my truck and he was going to take it. I told him hell would freeze over before a buddy of his got my truck. Then I traded it for the Chevy 1 ton and he saw me driving it, I didn’t see him but he called me, all he said was, “Nice truck”. He was pissed. Then I paid his step dad back $500 of the money I owed him. I took a picture of the Chevy, which had a box on the back and cut a slit in the top of the box and stuck 5 one hundred dollar bills in so they stuck out and framed it. I wrote on it that if not for his help I would have been dead in the water and thanked him very much for his help. I got another call from James, “Good one.” He was pissed.

Then when the Chevy broke down I got the little Ford truck and he passed me on the freeway and almost dumped his Harley trying to get a better look.

I know why he is pissed, because I refuse to roll over and play dead. He under estimated me, just because he wants me to act like the psycho bitch he says I am, I haven’t, I have stayed true to me and I have fought for what is right. It may be covert and maybe no one knows what he has done to me, but he knows and I know and……

I know with all certainty that when it comes to who is the winner between James and I; I win by a long shot, no matter if I die living in a card board box under a bridge somewhere; because there is nothing to be proud of when you purposely destroy someone else. Purposely hurting people doesn’t show how powerful you are, it doesn’t make you better, even if it makes you richer, you still lose. Lying to people about someone so as to ruin their reputation, slandering someone in order to take their kids away, turning family and friends against someone you used and abuse; may fool some of the people for a while but eventually the truth comes out. But even if the truth never comes out, that doesn’t make you a winner, it makes you the biggest, saddest loser of all. A narcissist thinks a lie is as good as the truth and as long as you have everyone fooled into thinking you are a great guy; it is the same as being a great guy. But they are wrong, and the really funny thing is, they are too stupid to realize it so they keep doing what they have always done.

I drove into Langley for my cousin’s daughter’s grad ceremony on Thursday night. On my way home my car started to vibrate especially at higher speeds. If I stayed on the freeway I was going to be home in less than 1/2 an hour but something told me I needed to get off at the next exit. So at the last minute I did. I just took my time getting home and it was after midnight when I finally walked through the door. I didn’t go any where yesterday and then today I went out to clean the car and check my tires. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I checked my driver’s side front tire, it was so close to blowing up it is a miracle I made it home that night. I don’t know why it didn’t, it is in shreds. If it would have blown going 110 km on the freeway I probably would not have survived it. Like my son said, the car would not have been as easy to handle as the truck was, it probably would have flipped. Another uncanny coincidence.

I never worry that James has changed because he keeps proving to me he hasn’t over and over again. I saw a card one time that said, “If you are living your life like there is no God, you had better hope you are right.”

The narcissist better be “praying” there is no God, because when the day of reckoning comes there is going to be hell to pay.

Advertisements

15 Replies to “Winners and Losers and Those Who Just Don’t Play By The Rules”

  1. It’s always good to read your posts, Carrie. I’m right behind you on this journey of ours. Right now I’m fighting to get my money out of the house we bought together where he now lives with OW. I’m also fighting to get back the insurance money paid to me as an interim offer after my accident. I was hit by a car in December 2013 and now have CRPS. That money was supposed to get me a small automatic car, one I could handle with the disability I have now. But he syphoned that all away and ran our joint account into overdraft in his preparations for the full discard. I’ve lost money. I’ve lost my home in the adopted country where I loved living. I’ve lost the friends I made there. I’ve lost the life I had there in the warm climate that helped with the pain of my condition. I’ve lost contact with members of his family who believe his lies.
    But I win. I win because he is out of my life now ( or will be when the legal stuff is sorted). I win because I’m free to be me now. I win because I know the truth of who he really is.
    You sum it up here: ‘A narcissist thinks a lie is as good as the truth and as long as you have everyone fooled into thinking you are a great guy; it is the same as being a great guy. But they are wrong, and the really funny thing is, they are too stupid to realize it so they keep doing what they have always done.’
    That says it in a nutshell, Carrie.
    We win because they ARE stupid. We win because we know things they don’t. Once we’ve got them out of our lives, out of our minds and out of our hearts we’re in a win-win situation. It’s a hard slog getting there and it hurts like hell in the beginning but it’s the only path to follow for people in our situation. One step at a time. No contact. One more step. Find ourselves again. One more step. Keep no contact. Step. Find pleasure in small things we’d forgotten we enjoy. Step. Somebody makes you laugh. And so on till we reach the end of the only path to follow where we will take that last step out of the dark forest into the light where there are a hundred paths to choose. And at that point we have the freedom to make that choice. We decide what’s best for us.
    I’m looking forward to getting there. xx

    Like

    1. Very true, and very well-said!
      They only win if we keep running back (real or in obsessive thoughts), if we stay stuck in the past whereas they have already moved on to the next target(s) a loooong time ago (even though they might still come back hoovering old targets every now and then, of course).

      That’s the toughest thing for me – getting to that place beyond the blues, beyond the denial, the what-ifs, the anger (or even hatred), the regrets, the wish for revenge or justice or at least closure….

      We just have to get to that place where we simply don’t care anymore about what they were or are doing, thinking, meaning, “feeling” (if they ever feel anything)…

      I have some mantras that I use when the PTSD syndroms hit me or when I feel triggered and the addiction to the M start playing out (such as: obsessing about the N or dwelling in emotions):

      1. the best revenge is living well.

      2. A narcissist can never heal and never be truly happy – but I can and will!

      3. Elohim*, please heal my heart. I command that my heart be healed!

      *Elohim is Hebrew for God. I’m a Catholic and not very religious, but I believe in a Higher Power and the word ‘Elohim’ helps me to connect to it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Alice, I am there most of the time but some times I have self doubt. I think that is normal for everyone, to suffer self doubt once in a while, I know I used to before James and when I was with him and after being with him but when it happens I deal with it just like I used to before i met him. Talk rationally to myself and not let the voices in my head get the better of me.

        I think there is a tendency to blame everything on the narcissist once we have been hurt like that. But everyone has down days, no ones life is 100% sunshine and roses 24/7, even people with a happy marriage, lots of money and good health, have a bad day once in a while.ours might involve thinking about the narcissist for a few days but it is all what is relevant in the person’s life. I gave a child up for adoption when I was 16, for 20 years every year building up to his birthday I would be highly emotional, teary, etc and then I would realize, “AH, it is almost Sept 19th! that is why I am this way” I never once regretted giving up my son, I knew it was the best thing for him, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t suffer, didn’t cry or have triggers that would set me off. and so it is with the narcissist. the narcissist was one of the most monumental events of our life, probably the most life changing event of our life, I think there would be something wrong with us if we could just put it behind us and move on. For me that would be a waste of a life experience, I want to learn from it, grow from it and be a better person because of it.

        Hugs

        Like

    1. Safire,me too!! I had a feeling before I even left for the grad ceremony but I had promised I would be there and didn’t want to not show up. I just had a gut feeling, I purposely didn’t take Stella (and I always take my girl with me especially in the evening when the car wasn’t hot) because for some reason I thought I might break down and it would be harder to deal with a broken down car and a dog. weird.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Carrie,
    I’m glad to know you are safe and sound. As for your laptop, we don’t know what is actually going on. Keeping your eyes wide open is wise, anyway. I am pretty sure you know what to do to move on, hope the OpenOffice app has been useful and you are going to get a brand new resumé and a job as soon as possible.
    Maybe it would be a good idea to just let go on that guy, well I don’t know him but what we’ve been told about doesn’t sound amazing at all. So, what do you think about focussing on your priorities and your needs now?

    I know checking up your car might mean money in this moment you do not have that much ( I sympathize with you, I have no revenue since last year..) but maybe someone at the marina could take a look as a mechanician to your tyres to make sure they have not been sabotated and/or their actual condition, just to stay safe and reassure you. Or you can check them yourself before driving. And, if the case (I do hope it is not), of sabotage report to authorities.

    I trust your abilities and ressources to solve life difficulties, you are doing a great job.
    I agree with you. I do remember many of you on your blog encouraging me to hold on. And the same happens to one another every time is needed. It is a normal good quality and that is just the way things are supposed to be. What some of us have experienced maybe trained us to get used to indifference. Conversely, thanks to our genuinity and difference from all the disordered people behaviors, we’re bringing out the best sides of us, even for some of us (including me) thought for a while they were gone/exhausted by them, they are still ours, they can not steal who we really are, our strength, we are even strong enough to show our weaknesses sometimes and overcome.
    That’s a great power, an energy spreading all over our world thanks to your blog and the net.
    yes, we are a community, even if we’ll never meet in person.
    Please, Take some time for yourself now.
    Good luck, ciao by your Italian friend.

    Rosi

    p.s. I dare to suggest some exhilarating readings, I love Nordic Scandinavian litterature:
    “A Charming Mass Suicide” by Arto Paasilinna, “Doppler” by Erlend Loe, “Naiv.Super” by Erlend Loe. >Hope there is library where you could borrow them costless.
    Trust me, these books worth it, healty, smart, ironic laugh on life and all and its misleading beliefs.

    Like

    1. Rosi, thank you for the suggested reading material, I will keep the list and maybe someday get around to reading, lately I am just too busy. I take Stella for 3 walks a day which is my relaxation time, I enjoy our walks and it gives me a chance to clear my head.
      As for the guy in the marina here, I couldn’t care less about him, I am not upset or hurt or anything, it didn’t go any where. I only mention it because I thought some people might be wondering what happened because I had mentioned he was interested. If I don’t like a guy I don’t date him, plain and simple, never have. I have some friends who will date any one just to get dinner out bought for the them. Not me. I assess men pretty quickly and my gut instincts have always been pretty good. Even with James, I had a feeling I should walk away but I second guessed myself because I thought he was a nice guy and I needed to give him a chance.
      As for my tires, I have a friend who is looking for cheap used tires for me and he will bring them here and put them on. I might as well get two new front tires so they match because it is front wheel drive. If some one sabotaged my tires i would probably never see it. it is not like a flat, I don’t know how they would do it but there is a way. There is a security guard who drives around the marina all night long, I am going to point out my car, try to park it in a place that is very visible and get him to keep an extra eye on it for me. make him aware of the situation.
      When the tire blew on my truck there was not enough of it left to know if it had been sabotaged and really, if someone knows what they are doing, there would be no way of telling. What are the police going to do? The same thing everyone else does, “You have been split almost 5 years why would he bother to sabotage your car or your laptop? ” He lives 9 hours away, the police aren’t going to do a thing. They will just think I am being paranoid.

      I know that if he wanted to he could blow up my car, and no one would see him do it. I refuse to live afraid to go out or drive, but I am well aware of what James is capable of and take as many precautions as possible.

      As for work, I have been applying for jobs for 2 years, and was working right up until I had my second heart attack, since the 2nd heart attack I have had 2 mini strokes. What the doctors tell me and how I feel does not factor into what I have to do. I tried to do what was right for me, make me a priority but the government isn’t cooperating so I have to go back to work doing anything I can and not worry about what I want or what is on my priority list.
      Thank you for your concern
      Hugs
      Ciao my friend

      Like

  3. I am not a passive woman. I walked away in March with no contact. We simply parted ways. He is in the middle of a long drawn out divorce and refuses to settle with his wife. The man is a doctor and has money. Got a real Bad A$$ lawyer. They arent going to let me walk away. I have too much info on the whole entire situation. Lawyer has filed a ton of felony allegations on me and n boyfriend will perjur himself in a heart beat. They are claiming they dont want to prosecute me at this time but they will need a peace bond on me. My best guess is his lawyer plans on holding those felony charges over my head so I wont testify for the wifes attorney in arbatration. in August, He has a whole staff of flying monkeys who also will commit perjury and claim I have broken a peace bond just so they can keep their high paying jobs. I have paid a BITTTTTCH attorney who is not afraid of the N or his N attorney. I dont have money for this but no choice in spending it. I can not sleep. My migraines are back, my stomach is constantly upset. I am shakey and jittery. I am scared and pretty much alone. After paying this, I have no money to pay my insurance and that means no coverage and no doctors visit, I pace the floors constantly. Funny thing is he filed the same gun theft charge last summer on the wife. I am hoping that investigator will help me. I have been told he despises the good doc and that attorney. I am trying so hard to not drink but a couple shots of tequila ia all that calms me. I feel like I am losing my mind.

    Like

    1. Broken Hart, please stay strong. I know it seems overwhelming right now and that is part of their tactics; to get you so stressed and anxious that you look crazy or just disappear. What if you did just disappear? pose no threat to them whatsoever? Do you know that much that the lawyer for the ex wife would supena you? Can you get a protection order?
      I don’t know the laws in your area but i do know how vicious these people can be. i wish i had some answers for you but all i can say is; a lot of what they do is just to intimidate the victim into keeping their mouth shut. I don’t want to put you in danger by misleading you but they often times do not have a leg to stand on and it is all bullshit. There was a woman on here who was blackmailed for 2 years by a narcissist, she had given up ever being free of him. I encouraged her to tell the truth, expose him (they worked together) she kept his voice messages, and texts and showed the boss, she exposed him and he threatened her, but she stood firm and compiled evidence proving he was threatening her, blackmailing her and he got charged, and i believe fired and she walked away got another job and as far as I know is living happily N free finally.
      They count on getting the victim flustered, they stay calm and in control and the victim is a basket case, the victim looks nuts and they look like Mr Solid Citizen. You need to calm down, think clearly and compile evidence, get your ducks in a row, be prepared, you will feel stronger and less vulnerable if you take control back. Tell the police what is happening, but have evidence to back you up, remain calm and state your case. Crying, hysterics, and throwing a bunch of accusations around won’t work. You need evidence and you need to be calm and rational. Don’t let him do this to you, don’t hand over the control, you have much more going for you than you know. He is afraid of you, that is why he is doing this. You are the one in power right now, it is up to you to decide what you are going to do with that power.
      We are here for you
      Hugs

      Like

  4. Love your posts and have to say my daughter is living well after leaving her narcicistic husband. His new flux or is
    So sucked in like we were . Soon he will
    Be on numer 5 , maby she woke up
    When I called her a fool several times

    Like

  5. Eveg, you first commented almost a year ago. I am so glad to hear your daughter is free of her abusive husband. I truly hope she continues to live well and free.
    Hugs You must be so relieved!

    Like

Don't be shy, add your comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s