I watched a video the other day about an 11 year old little boy with Cerebral Palsy who decided he was going to participate in the longest running race at school. There was no way he had a chance at winning and it was unlikely he would even be able to finish but when he started to lag and look like he was about to give up his gym coach ran out to him and said, “You aren’t thinking about giving up are you? then a girl from his class ran up and started shouting words of encouragement. Other kids saw her and joined in, eventually the whole school was cheering him on and he made it to the finish line.
He was the last across the finish line but in his mind and the minds of everyone who witnessed his run, he was a winner.
I feel sometimes like this blog is like that, when one of us starts to lag, feels like giving up; the others rally around and cheer them on. None of us knows even how far it is to the finish line, it can be hard to run a race when you can’t see the end and someone is putting obstacles in front of you trying to trip you up. But it is so nice to know there are people rooting for you out there in the big scary world. Thank you all for your words of encouragement.
I mentioned that it bothers me to think James might “win”, and it does cross my mind that in HIS mind if he can ruin my chances of a comfortable future, he will have won. Which only goes to show how sick he really is. The fact that he thought it was acceptable when he said that he was a “success” and wanted to help me be a success also; when all he had done was hook a widow with money, shows how out of touch with reality he is and how far off course his thought patterns are. How fucked up his priorities are and how low his standards are. No normal man would brag about being a success when he is living off of a woman.
I know that no matter what James has not, nor will he ever “win” over me; no matter what he thinks or what he values, he has lost. It is one thing to revel in the thought that a person loved you so much that they never got over you and lived with a broken heart until the day they died. I suppose some people would get some sort of sick ego boost out of that but to purposely try to destroy a person’s future is so far from normal or acceptable it boggles my mind that he would get any kind of thrill or self satisfaction from it.
I will never forget the look of pure glee on his face when he was talking about his ex who drank herself to death and how much she hated me. It was an Ah Ha moment where he revealed his true colors, when he said she hated me because we were so happy for 10 years. For one thing, why on earth would someone be happy about someone drinking themselves to death over them and for another thing he obviously was telling her something totally different than what was going on in our house, because according to him i made his life hell for 10 years. You can’t have it both ways; unless you are a narcissist. Because you fabricate reality to suit your needs at the time. he needed her to believe we were madly in love and happy, he needed me to feel like I made him miserable for 10 years and in order to “prove” to his new woman and his family that it was me making him the way he was. The way he looked at me when he said it, I could tell he didn’t see anything wrong with what he was saying and he was confused because I wasn’t laughing with him. He had thought I would be complimented or something and I just thought, “You sick son of a bitch”.
I didn’t play the rules like he thought I would, he didn’t think I would ever speak out, he didn’t think I would be able to walk away, he didn’t think I would ever put up a fight and call “bullshit”, so he is pissed off. When I had to get rid of my F550, when he screwed it up and it had to be towed, he never counted on me calling his step dad to help me get it out. He had approached me with an offer from one of his friends, that they would pay the towing and storage charges on it and give me a few hundred bucks on top to buy a cheap car with. I know what he was planning. He was going to get a buddy to bail out my truck and he was going to take it. I told him hell would freeze over before a buddy of his got my truck. Then I traded it for the Chevy 1 ton and he saw me driving it, I didn’t see him but he called me, all he said was, “Nice truck”. He was pissed. Then I paid his step dad back $500 of the money I owed him. I took a picture of the Chevy, which had a box on the back and cut a slit in the top of the box and stuck 5 one hundred dollar bills in so they stuck out and framed it. I wrote on it that if not for his help I would have been dead in the water and thanked him very much for his help. I got another call from James, “Good one.” He was pissed.
Then when the Chevy broke down I got the little Ford truck and he passed me on the freeway and almost dumped his Harley trying to get a better look.
I know why he is pissed, because I refuse to roll over and play dead. He under estimated me, just because he wants me to act like the psycho bitch he says I am, I haven’t, I have stayed true to me and I have fought for what is right. It may be covert and maybe no one knows what he has done to me, but he knows and I know and……
I know with all certainty that when it comes to who is the winner between James and I; I win by a long shot, no matter if I die living in a card board box under a bridge somewhere; because there is nothing to be proud of when you purposely destroy someone else. Purposely hurting people doesn’t show how powerful you are, it doesn’t make you better, even if it makes you richer, you still lose. Lying to people about someone so as to ruin their reputation, slandering someone in order to take their kids away, turning family and friends against someone you used and abuse; may fool some of the people for a while but eventually the truth comes out. But even if the truth never comes out, that doesn’t make you a winner, it makes you the biggest, saddest loser of all. A narcissist thinks a lie is as good as the truth and as long as you have everyone fooled into thinking you are a great guy; it is the same as being a great guy. But they are wrong, and the really funny thing is, they are too stupid to realize it so they keep doing what they have always done.
I drove into Langley for my cousin’s daughter’s grad ceremony on Thursday night. On my way home my car started to vibrate especially at higher speeds. If I stayed on the freeway I was going to be home in less than 1/2 an hour but something told me I needed to get off at the next exit. So at the last minute I did. I just took my time getting home and it was after midnight when I finally walked through the door. I didn’t go any where yesterday and then today I went out to clean the car and check my tires. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I checked my driver’s side front tire, it was so close to blowing up it is a miracle I made it home that night. I don’t know why it didn’t, it is in shreds. If it would have blown going 110 km on the freeway I probably would not have survived it. Like my son said, the car would not have been as easy to handle as the truck was, it probably would have flipped. Another uncanny coincidence.
I never worry that James has changed because he keeps proving to me he hasn’t over and over again. I saw a card one time that said, “If you are living your life like there is no God, you had better hope you are right.”
The narcissist better be “praying” there is no God, because when the day of reckoning comes there is going to be hell to pay.