I had an epiphany today watching Matthew Hussey. He was right.
What am I talking about?
Well, let me step back a bit. i have been asked, or even had the statement made; the counselor said it on Friday after hearing about what i have gone through the past 10 + years, especially the last almost 5 years. I don’t know how you did it and then she asked me flat out, “How did you do it?”
So many times victims of abuse come into the blog and they say, “I don’t know how I will ever love again.” “how will I trust again?” “How will I survive this?” and they sometimes email me thinking I must have some secret that I don’t share on the blog, and if they email me privately i will share it with them. The secret to surviving and healing after narcissistic abuse.
I used to weight train, I was really into it like an addiction, it was an addiction. I traded an eating disorder for weight training and I was always pushing myself to lift heavier and heavier and sometimes like Mathew Hussey relates; your mind tells you, “There is no way you can do this, it is too much weight.” but if we lower our expectations our brain says, “Oh I can do THAT.”
This is the Mathew Hussey video I am referring to, watch it and then I will explain further how i healed and put myself back together.
When I thought about doing no contact forever, i would panic and immediately feel like calling him. Being told I should not love him and never speak to him again was too much for my brain to handle and it would immediately give up. if I couldn’t do it forever, what was the point in even trying?
I knew this thing the mind does from when I used to diet. If I thought “I can never have chocolate cake again” I would immediately crave chocolate cake. So it made sense to me that when I told myself I could never talk to James again I immediately craved James. So I told myself I will not call or text today, or in the beginning it was this hour. Once I made it through a couple of days, I wasn’t making it through an hour it was day by day. I didn’t tell anyone I was going no contact, most of all not him. I knew that if I verbalized it to him I would immediately want to talk to him and once again I would prove to him how weak I was.
After a couple of weeks it became easier to not call because I had gone this long……I didn’t want to have to start over again going hour by hour. I had enough time away from him that he was no longer making me feel guilty and less than and I didn’t want to take the chance of talking to him and being put right back to where I had been for so long; feeling like shit and being treated like dirt.
I never marked the days off on the calendar, I never wrote in my diary that “today I stopped talking to James.” I didn’t tell him, “I will not be talking to you any more.” It was just me, taking it one hour at a time, I could call him at any time if I wanted to and I didn’t want to, not bad enough to do it.
It was the same with not loving him, I gave myself permission to love him. My love had been real and true; just because he didn’t love me, it didn’t diminish MY love. I wish it was that simple, but it isn’t. If we had loved them just because they loved us we would have fallen out of love long ago. We loved them despite the fact that they didn’t treat us lovingly, so really nothing had changed, we just stopped burying our head in the sand. So I told myself “you can love him, you just can’t be with him.” I would envision myself with him after we both died, together for eternity. I just could not be with him now in this world at this time. It may not work for everyone but I didn’t make a decision to stop loving him and could not tell you when I actually stopped loving him, maybe I never did stop. There is a part of me that still loves that part of him that I originally fell in love with. Hell it was the most romantic time of my life, it was exciting, I never felt more loved and alive than I did at that time. I loved the most unconditionally and deeper than I had ever loved before and as painful as it was; I loved loving him. I can’t erase that, I can’t and don’t want to erase 10 years of my life. Sure it is painful to think he never really loved me, but I loved him and that is who we are talking about here, ME and I loved well and loved doing it so why should I diminish MY love because he was a sick son of a bitch?
The putting myself back together again was overwhelming. I had no idea where to start, how to start, I was totally broken, how to do fix something when you don’t even have a starting point? I remember thinking to myself that putting myself back together again was just too insurmountable and I gave up. But then I decided I would take one trait, whatever one popped up that day and work on that one trait. Really analyze it and decide if it was mine to own or not. Did I like this part of me? if I didn’t I didn’t keep it, but then I had to decide what would take up that spot, if I was not going to handle that facet of my life like I had in the past, I had to figure out how I would handle it and honestly ask myself if it was reasonable of me to expect that of myself.
When I moved into that hell hole of a trailer with no power, sewer or running water; if I would have known I was going to live there over a year, I probably would have killed myself. For 2 full years I thought every single day that I can not do this one more day. But I would do it one more day, and then another day and another, until I had done 2 years of singular days.
If I would have known how tough the last 5 years was going to be and in the beginning told myself, “you have to do this for 5 years.” I would have given up. Those 5 years have not been all bad and I learned a lot from them, I grew a lot and now I would not trade them or wish them away but if I would have projected too far ahead I would have given up before I even got started.
If I allow myself to go there I think, “I can not move one more time. I just can not do it.” But deep down I know I can and I will when the time comes, but that time is not now so I have to let it go and not worry about it until it is time and know that when the time comes I will move again and I will get through it.
All I am saying is this, don’t overwhelm yourself by projecting to far into the future. Don’t worry about loving again or trusting again; deal with the issues at hand, they are enough for right now. When the time is right, you will love again and you will trust again, and if you don’t trust again, you will deal with it at that time. How can you worry about trusting a man you haven’t even met yet?
make it an 8 rep day, not a 1o rep day, maybe it will only be a one rep day at first. But trust that you can do anything for a day.