I have had a couple of days that have had such a mixed bag of events and emotions, I just have to laugh.
I think a few people were confused by my last post I typed it off in a hurry and maybe didn’t explain myself fully.
For one thing the counselor appointment had nothing to do with being investigated, I had the appointment long before the investigation thing came up. My worker at the funding office thought I needed someone to talk to considering all I have had to deal with and I haven’t been to a counselor at all since long before I even met James and thought, “Hey! why not maybe I do need to talk to someone.” The counselor’s office is right next door to the office where I go to get my funding package done and the girl was even kind enough to give me a gas card to get there.
I ended up with an eye infection and missed my first appointment because I wear contact lens’s and couldn’t drive without them. My eyes cleared up in a couple of days. I researched it on the net and found an article that recommended boiling a cup of water and adding a teaspoon of honey to it and letting it cool. Then several times a day put drops of the honey water in your eyes and it worked!! But then I had to put my same contact lens’s in and it came back so I have been fighting this eye infection for over a week now but i think I am winning that battle.
So back to the counselor. A very sweet young girl, probably younger than my son but that doesn’t mean she isn’t good. She was very welcoming and easy to talk to. I was a little teary because I was concerned about money and this investigation but I filled her in briefly about what I have been through the past 15 years. Very condensed version. I told her about the blog, about how I was broken, sitting on the couch failed my suicide attempt and started putting the pieces of me back together. She said that my attitude was exactly what she hopes to accomplish when she counsels someone, she was amazed that I had done all that healing and was as strong and together as I am without seeing a counselor. She got a big smile on her face when she asked what school I wanted to attend and she agreed with me that it is a great school and would offer exactly the courses I needed. She said that she felt my goal of going into schools with a program and becoming a life skills coach working with victims of abuse was my calling and that I had found my purpose in life. She said that she didn’t think I needed counseling, that I had ever right to be upset about my situation right now and that if I could find work or get funded for school I would be fine. My mental state is fine and healthy.
She did mention that she would like to keep talking to me but only because she would love to learn more about how I healed myself and more about domestic abuse but not because she felt i needed it and she felt I probably had enough on my plate without fitting her into my life. But her door is always open if I do need someone to talk to, even just a sounding board.
I am thinking maybe I will talk to her about giving workshops through that office or the funding office free at first, but maybe i can get some valuable experience. I really enjoyed our visit and I really liked her and I gave her my blog name so if she wanted to learn more she can read here.
So counselor. Good.
i went back home and put in my 4th call to the investigating officer, and left my 4th message. Of course she called me back 1/2 way through the day. I had already been into the counselor and so was low on gas. She wanted me to bring in all this paperwork and then I could get my cheque. I said I didn’t have the gas to run around and gather all this paperwork. She said, “Well how were you going to get your cheque?” I said that I didn’t know seeing as it was supposed to go directly into my account. She said “Well when you figure out how you are going to get your cheque bring the paperwork in and have them fax it to me and wait for your cheque.” So with my gas gauge below E I headed out to the welfare office with my paperwork. I handed it and waited, they were rude, I swear to God those people need a lesson in people skills, they treat everyone on welfare like they are the scum of the earth. Anyway, not a word from anyone and at 4 o”clock the lock the doors and leave me sitting in my car. When I had handed my papers to the woman I had said I was going to take a seat and she had said, “No just stand there.” I said, “No I have a heart condition and with this heat, I am going to sit down because I am not feeling well.” and I took a seat. maybe she didn’t like that oh well.
Anyway I am sitting in my car, having pains behind my shoulder again when a woman who just missed picking up her cheque by 2 minutes, they locked the door as she ran up came up to the car and asked me if I could call her a cab. I didn’t know the number for a cab and we started talking, she was a talker, rather hyper but nice enough. Finally she opened the passenger door and asked if she could sit down inside the car. She kept saying i could get a cheap apartment where she lives only $450 a month plus utilities. I asked how she can afford that when her cheque is only $610 and she said that she goes into houses that are going to be demolished and steals the copper and wire and she could use someone with a vehicle to help her. I said, “No offense and I am not judging you because you gotta do what you gotta do but I can’t break the law.” She kept babbling on about how I should move in where she is and she is going to help me and I am thinking, “How do I get rid of this woman?” Finally she asked for a ride home and I said my gas gauge was below E but if she was on my way home I would drop her off. I did feel bad for her and it was so hot. We ended up going off in another direction than the one I would have taken to get home and finally we pull in the driveway. The house next door is the “safe house” for abused women and there are a bunch of guys hanging around in front and her roommate is walking back and forth on the street in front. the roommate wants a ride to money Mart and I said I had no gas and she said she would give me something once she cashed her cheque. I am thinking, this is only getting worse. I left, promising I would come back for a visit and asked the woman if she could get a ride back home from Money Mart and she said yes. OK we are almost at Money Mart only 2 blocks to go and the car runs out of gas. I tell the woman to not worry about me, go to Money Mart I would be fine. I wanted her out of my car, the hyper woman had told me her roommate was stealing from her and then when the roommate got in the car she told me the hyper woman was stealing from her. I just wanted to get away from them both. This is the kind of place they expect you to live and even that was more than anyone can afford without stealing.
I still had my $15 for gas so I started walking first i stopped at a car lot and said i had run out of gas and had a heart condition, did they have any gas I could buy. No. I asked for a cold drink and they pointed at the pop machine. I had a dollar for a pop.
I went to 5 auto repair shops and one of them had a jerry can but they were closing in an hour and didn’t think I could get back from a gas station before they closed. I told them all I had a heart condition and not one of them offered to give me a ride nothing. At 5 to 6 after a full hour of trying to get help I saw a Harley shop, I thought, if any one is going to help me it will be a biker. I was right these guys were great, got me gas made me a funnel out of a pop bottle and refused to take any money. I thanked them over and over again. Got back to my car, and to a gas station and home by 7. Poor Stella had been locked up all day in the hot boat without going pee for 12 hours. She was SO happy to see me. and I was happy to be “home”.
Welfare office. Bad
helping someone out. Good Bad.
Running out of gas Bad, Good.
Getting home to Stella’s kisses. Good.
Somehow through it all I am holding my own and through the help of many people here. I can’t say too much but thank you for all the support from many of you. You are angels and really got me through a bleak day, weekend, week, month,…………year, 5 years.
My mom called and we had a good talk. That made a huge difference too.
Now I am off to answer some of the comments made the past few days.