I have tried to find the post that describes what, no doubt, is the reason my ex wants revenge and can’t find it now. It will be quicker to just tell the story again, so if you have read about this already, sorry for repeating myself. At the time of telling it the first time he had not gotten revenge yet, but I knew it would probably come so recent events have not really surprised me. It isn’t the reason for everything he has done to screw me up, I think a lot of the time narcissist’s mess with a victim out of boredom or just because they can, they like to flex their power, show they still have control, and they really do hate the victim for not being able to literally give him her soul. When a narcissist is done with his victim he truly hates them and does not feel they deserve any happiness. In his mind they should wither and die without his glorious presence in their lives.
Once he makes himself the centre of your universe and you are sucked into the gravitational pull of the narcissist’s manipulations, you are not allowed to break away, you are to remain orbiting out there in the vast black emptiness waiting for him to need you for something. If you refuse to be pulled back into his toxic universe he will take it as a personal slight and seek revenge. This is the story of me breaking away from the toxic pull.
About a year prior to the final split my ex and I moved into a trailer. The previous tenant had left behind a car that the landlord asked us to get rid of for him. He just wanted it gone and whatever we did with it was up to us. We checked it out and it wasn’t a bad car. A 1993 Buick Regal Grande Sport that was fully loaded, a/c, leather interior, sunroof, power everything; there was no key, it was full of garbage and the windshield was cracked but overall it was a nice car. We found the registration in the glove box, it was a leased car, so I called the leasing company and told them about the car. She asked me what condition it was in and I told her, she said there would be a finder’s fee paid to us and she would get back to us with further instructions. She called back a few days later and said it was not worth it for them to have it picked up and brought back and asked if we wanted it. I said sure and she mailed us a transfer and tax form signing ownership over to us. I went to a dealership and they cut us a key for the car. Low and behold it started. I spent a day cleaning it, (of course not up to my ex’s standards) my ex did some work under the hood and we had a nice little commuter car. We registered it in my name because I had a much better insurance rate (I had 43% discount and my ex had a 43% surcharge), but I assumed it was my ex’s car, he was the one to drive it all the time.
About 6 months, maybe even a year prior to us splitting my ex started talking to an old friend in northeastern Alberta about going into business together, in the beginning I was to be going also. Over time I was never sure day to day if I was going or not and then we split and it was a nonissue. They were waiting until the spring thaw to build the shop so my ex was supposed to head out there about March. We split in Dec and I insured the car in my name again for 3 months about a week after I moved out. He had taken me out for dinner and had looked great and been very loving calling me later to tell me I had looked really “horny”.
In January he asked me to drive him to the airport because he was flying to Alberta to renew his driver’s license. I had no idea his DL had expired in BC the year prior and he owed so much in fines that he couldn’t renew his license. He had been using his Alberta license if he got pulled over but it had expired on his birthday in Sept. He had been driving illegally for over a year in a car registered in my name. GREAT! But it was a mute point now, he was moving in a month to Alberta and he was going there to renew his license. (the law in BC is that within a month of moving to BC you must switch your driver’s license to BC and destroy your license from the other province)
As per usual, as soon as we split he became more loving, although I refused to let him stay the night we were still kinda seeing each other. (Like I have said many times I never did get the hang of no contact and totally regret it now) At one point I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he had said, “I don’t know why you get so upset. I always come back to you, we always end up back together.” and to show how fucked up my head was, I actually took comfort in that.
March came around, the insurance expired and I knew he was still driving and asked when he was leaving, He said within the month and asked me to insure it one last time. He was getting a company truck when he got there and would leave the car with me when he left and whatever insurance was left on it would be for me to use. It sounded like a fair deal and I agreed.
But weeks went by and he never had time to meet me to do the insurance, I finally sent him a text saying it is now or never, I am in town, if you want insurance contact me in the next 15 minutes. He hadn’t been answering his phone or texts lately and I suspected he was seeing someone. He answered my text almost immediately and I agreed to meet him at his place.
My hot water tank was broken so he offered for me to have a shower. He was playing the guitar and had the place really clean, had Mike Hard Lemonaid (my fav drink), there was one open on the table and he said it was for me but something told me it had been for someone else and i grabbed on unopen bottle. He kept insisting I have a shower and I figured I knew what he was planning. We hadn’t had sex in a long time and I thought,”Hell, he’s leaving, what will it hurt to have one last romp?” I went for my shower and went into the bedroom with just a towel wrapped around me. Usually he would have been waiting in the bedroom and started seducing me (we had played out this scenario many times) but this time he wasn’t and didn’t stop playing the guitar. I noticed the bed was not made (he never slept in bed with me) and he had a bathrobe lying across it. He never wore a bathrobe either. I got a sick feeling in my gut and knew what he was doing, he had had a woman there and was rubbing my nose in it. I got dressed and I stood there waiting for him to acknowledge my presence. He just kept playing his guitar while I fumed and my mind went a million miles an hour.
I wrote him a note saying I was not into playing his sick games and I was going home and to contact me when he wanted insurance. I was more angry with myself than him, damn, why had I been so weak?
A few days later he text messaged asking me to meet him at the insurance place. He was dressed well but distant, sitting in his car typing on his phone when I pulled up. I knew he had a blog but had never tried to find it. I figured that he was doing a post.
He showed up at my door a couple of days later and gave me a “gift”, my own radio and asked to borrow gas money, I gave him $10. Four nights later I had a really good day and called him to see if he wanted to meet at our favorite chinese restaurant, my treat. He sounded pleased and came right away.
He was very loving, told me he was leaving in 10 days and he wanted to do an oil change on my truck before he left, he was going to miss me and he loved me. He held my hand at the table and took it again as he walked me to my truck. he kissed me tenderly several times, wiped a tear from his eye, held me close and whispered into my hair that he loved me and it was going to be really hard to leave me.
The next day I hated myself but, I was on a “high”, He had said he loved me. I wanted to freeze time, stay loved by him, I wanted to speed up time and have him gone; I couldn’t wait for him to leave but wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life in his arms, it was going to be so much easier if I didn’t have to see him. Out of sight out of mind.
About noon I got a call saying it was the Mission police and asking if i knew where my car was. I said my boyfriend had it, why? He said that it was parked on Egglestone off of Cedar St, unlocked with the keys in it. He said that there were papers strewn everywhere inside. I said that sounds like my boyfriend. I was confused why he was calling me, why was he even looking inside the car? He went on to inform me that they had seen the car there many times parked overnight and it was not parked illegally so he was not going to have it towed. Now I was really curious why he had called. he asked if he should just lock it with the keys in it. I said no, I only had one key and I would come up and deal with it. He said ok, he had just wanted me to know where my car was and he asked me again if I was coming to deal with it. I assured him I was on my way. I drove up there knowing full well he must be with a woman.
I got there with a huge knot in my gut, there it was; in a totally residencial area. It was parked in such a way I couldn’t tell which house it belonged to. I had tried text messaging and had no answer. I looked inside the car and it looked like someone had been searching it, the glove box was empty and my ex’s briefcase was open and yes the keys were in it. I reached inside and grabbed the keys. I should have taken the car and hidden it but wasn’t thinking clearly at the time. I text messaged him to put his clothes on and come get the key for the car. Nothing. I tried phoning, no answer. I left with the key.
I was almost back to Abbotsford when he called, furious!!! screaming at me to bring back the fucking car key, what the fuck was he supposed to do? I told him he should of thought about that when he was ignoring my messages. He was really mad and told me to bring the fucking keys back now. When he had that tone of voice I knew he was capable of anything, and I turned around and went back. I got there and he was no where to be seen. He knew I was coming.
I messaged him. No answer. OMFG! I could not believe his audacity. Then he text back he would be out in a few minutes. I was pissed, I had to work, I didn’t have time for this shit. Then I notice him peeking over the fence of a house. He looked like Kilroy. He had a hoodie on, pulled up to cover his head and tight around his face and his eyes were darting back and forth looking to see if anyone was looking. He was obviously somewhere he shouldn’t be and it made me want to be really loud and draw attention to him.
Finally he came out from behind the fence and put his hand out for the key and I refused to give it to him, (from somewhere an anger was building that was out of my control and it was bubbling up like a volcano that had been dormant for years and was now going to release pressure than had been building all that time.) I don’t remember what we fought about, i just remember him being really cold and me getting louder and louder. He said that we had been split 6 months and I had no right to be upset and it was these emotional displays that had driven him into the arms of another woman. He stood there with a smirk on his face, so proud of himself for hurting me once again. The bastard, I wanted to wipe that smirk off his face in the worst way.
I got in my truck and flashed it up, it was loud. A diesel with straight pipes, it rumbled, when I matted the fuel pedal it roared, I drove past him and turned around at the end of the street. I sat there, he got in the car and was just sitting there smirking at my helplessness; I put the truck in 1st and even though it was an automatic I manually shifted through the gears. the stacks billowed smoke, everyone on the block must have heard me and I put my foot to the mat. I was going to drive right over his car with him in it. That would take that smirk off his face! But at the last minute I came to my senses and swerved to miss him. I slammed on the brakes and stomped back to his car. He looked at me with a bored look on his face that said, “What do you want NOW?” I spit out that we had NOT been split 6 months, it had been 3 months, and he had told me he loved me last night! He shrugged.
I left, got around the corner, parked and had a breakdown. I called his sister and she came out by bus the next day to stay with me. I won’t go into all the details of what transpired after that because it has nothing to do with why he is seeking revenge and all to do with him manipulating the situation to be the most cruel possible discard and to make me look like the bitch. It was absolute hell. I will only say that his sister had things at his place (our place) still and wanted to pick them up (she had not been back since he made her miss her daughter’s wedding). We went to the farm and everything was locked up solid (we had never locked the doors when we lived there) She called and asked him to come let her in to get her things and he said he couldn’t because he was at his new girlfriends and they had plans.
When she told me that I assumed he was in Mission but she said that he had said he was in Surrey at his new girlfriend’s house and he was sick of dropping everything for us and being at our beck and call. Dropping everything for us?? WTF was he talking about??? and Surrey???
It turns out that after I burned out of there the day i caught him at the woman’s house he waited until she got off work and told her it was over (he told me it was the least he could do) another slap in the face because obviously I did not deserve the same respect. He had left there and driven to M’s house where his car conveniently broke down. Within the week she was cleaning his place and packing his things and moving him into her house. Within 2 days he was driving her new Pilot.
I text messaged him and said I wanted the car out of my name, I had given him a transfer form once already; get M to put it in HER name. He was obviously not moving to Alberta, and had been lying, so now I didn’t feel like doing him any favors. He flatly refused. I threatened to report it stolen and he laughed, no it was more like a snort; and said “go ahead.”
I could not cancel the insurance without the license plates and registration. I had the registration but I had no idea where he was now living so couldn’t get the plates. He said he had lost the transfer and tax form so I did up another one for him, he said he lost that one and had me put a new one in a bush at the gas station on the corner because he didn’t want to see me. It was unbelievable!! I gave it some time for him to be reasonable, sent a couple of emails and never heard back from him. Eventually the insurance ran out on the car and I called him and asked again to take it out of my name. It was ridiculous! what was the big deal? he couldn’t insure it again without my signature, we were at a deadlock. But he had nothing to lose. I had a lot to lose.
I knew he had no problem driving uninsured cars, fine if they are in his name but with it in my name I am responsible if anything happens. If he had an accident they could go after me and attach it to my truck insurance, if he committed a crime in it, I am the one they come looking for, if it gets towed I am the one on the hook (pardon the pun) for the tow bill. I had my full discount because I had no accidents, he could totally ruin my good rating and my insurance rates could double. He said to me that I had nothing to worry about, he would never even think about driving an uninsured car. “who did he think he was talking to???” I thought about just letting him win, I didn’t want to call the police and report it stolen. i just wanted it out of my name for God’s sake! it nagged at me though, he was being so vicious and it was the one thing i had left that he could destroy. I called the police to report it stolen and thought I was getting somewhere until the female cop said she had to just check with her supervisor. She came back and said it was not in their jurisdiction I had to call the Delta police because my ex and I were living in Delta. I called the Delta police and was told that I could not report it stolen because we were living together at the time he took it. I explained that it had always been in my name, insured in my name and he was supposed to leave it with me when he went to Alberta but now it was obvious he was not moving to Alberta. The cop said that unless I had said to my ex at the time he took it, “You must bring the car back by such and such time and such and such date or I will report it stolen.” I didn’t have a leg to stand on.
He suggested I cancel the insurance on the car. That would only work with a law abiding citizen. I said to the cop, if I can find the car I can come and tow it away. he said if i did he would have to charge me with theft. I said, “But I have the registration, it is MY car.” He said “possession is 9/10th of the law.” WTF again!!! I could not believe what I was hearing. James must have known this and that’s why he was so cocky. His step dad had told me that if I could find the car he would pay for the towing and we could split the money we got from selling it; but that was out now.
I called the insurance company and was told to cancel the insurance, I said, the insurance was no longer valid. She had a “so what is the problem” attitude with me. I explained that my ex has no compulsion about driving uninsured vehicles, without the plates there was nothing she could do.
I had told them all he was abusive, that I was afraid of him and begged someone to please help me get this car out of my name!
Finally I wrote a letter to the insurance company explaining the whole situation, up until now I had not mentioned that he was not licensed to drive in BC and was living here and had been for 3 years. I had, in a moment of forethought photocopied his BC and Alberta driver’s licenses so I had all the information I needed.
I told them that I knew there were rules but I also knew rules could be broken if someone was willing to see the unfairness of it all and go the extra mile to help me out. I said, “there must be someone there who will take pity on my situation and enable me to end the control and abuse. By not helping me, you are enabling this man to continue to abuse and control me.”
I had a phone call within a couple of days. And within a week they had revoked his Alberta driver’s license, fined him, called his employer and he got fired. He was driving semi for a company without a valid driver’s license, why they didn’t know that I don’t know, you would think they would have his driver’s abstract on file. He had to pay all his fines plus new ones before he could get his driver’s license and his new woman lent him the almost $20,000 to do that. I was such a bitch after all.
I don’t know what he could have possibly told her that would make him the victim and me the vindictive bitch. But he must have come up with some good story for her to hand over that much money. That she never saw again I am sure, but she did get an engagement ring and got to sell her home and give up her security. Lucky her! Another one bites the dust.
He text messaged me in a rage because I got him fired. I did not get him fired, I got the car out of my name. (He signed the transfer form really quickly then). I was afraid of what he would do for a long time but when nothing happened I thought maybe he realized he had forced me into having to do something. I now know that narcissists NEVER realized that things were their own fault.
I am sure he called welfare and made a false report on their tip hotline. He would have been a “concerned citizen” just like when he phoned my boss and tried to get me fired and when he tried to get me evicted. I can just hear him, (that is why he would have needed to know exactly where I was living) he would call saying he lives at the marina also and doesn’t want me to know who called out of fear I would retaliate. He would go on about just being a concerned citizen and being sick of people abusing the welfare system. He would have laid it on thick. He would know my mom was helping me and that I would be getting donations because no one can live on $610 a month. Many people on welfare resort to stealing, prostitution or panhandling; there is no paper trail with those things but someone try doing something good and they are penalized.
Well, I never wanted to go on welfare to begin with, it is demeaning and I swore a long time ago I would never darken the doorway of another welfare office as long as I lived and I had gone back to my ex because the abuse and degradation was not as bad as what I had to endure from the worker at welfare. After dealing with the investigator for over a week I told her to close my file. I cannot take the stress, I was having chest pains so bad I almost drove myself to the hospital a couple of nights. Since I told her to close my file the pains have stopped.
I don’t know what I will do, but I have written my Ombudsman, been applying for every job I see and something will come through. He is not going to bring me down. he should know that by now, I am a fighter and the harder he pushes me the harder I push back. Maybe that isn’t a good thing for me, maybe it makes him even more determined to destroy me. I am sure he has more ammunition than me because there is no limit to his depravity or vindictiveness.
That is what I have been working on lately. My son has moved back to BC and I have been caring for his dog this week while he looks for a place to live. I can’t say where he is, but he is close by and that makes me very happy!! He never did go to Australia because he got a better job locally and he is stoked!!
I have notified the police and everyone I know that I am NOT suicidal, and if I die of mysterious causes or get shot, look no further than James. I am not afraid of dying and I am not saying he would kill me, but IF it should happen I don’t want the son-of-a-bitch to get away with it. once I leave here, which will be soon; I won’t be disclosing my location. I won’t be able to tell you all if I get my schooling because for sure he will try to screw that up also. Which makes me sad because you all have been with me through my struggles and I would want to share the good things when they happen. But I have to be smart and put an end to his vendetta to crucify me.