Just When You Get To Your Lowest The Sun/Son Comes Out

I can’t deny it, I have been having a very difficult time lately. It is nothing to do with James pursey, although it does track back to him but really it is the incompetence of the government workers I have dealt with. As is typical of narcissists they will use any means to bring the victim down and often times that means family, friends, the victim’s boss, landlord, or government officials, the police, child welfare; anyone they can suck into believing their lies and doing their dirty work.  I believe James is behind me getting cut off but that does not excuse the funding board and their screw ups, I never wanted to be on welfare to begin with; I wanted funding for school and that is where my focus still lies.

Anyway, it has gotten to me, I have come so close to just giving up, i had no idea that moving here would be so expensive, the fuel and being so far from everything makes it so i have to drive everywhere, it has taken me away from my friends, so there is no just popping over to visit someone or have them come to visit. It has been isolating here as much as I love living on the boat it has made my life more difficult and although I have made new friends, they are not close friends, not friends I feel comfortable discussing personal issues with, you know? A person can’t talk to just anyone about the narcissist and the repercussions of life with him/her.

I got up yesterday morning wondering how I was going to make it through the week, no dog food, no food for me, I was having a pity party for one and checked my emails and started to cry. There were two donations notifications sitting there. i have sent private thankyou’s but I have to once again thank everyone who has donated throughout the life of the blog, without you I would not have made it this far. It seems whenever I feel like throwing up my hands and saying “I give!! you win!!” someone writing to tell me what a difference I have made in their life or someone donates and I can’t help but feel everything will be ok somehow.

After I checked my email I noticed I had a message on Messenger and it was James’s son, Allan, he and his family were camping not far from me and would I be able to meet them.  I haven’t seen Allan since the day I helped him back and called friends to take him to safety. We have talked on FB and text messages but we haven’t seen each other for 6 years and i would’t have missed seeing him for the world and now I had the money for the fuel to do it! God does work in mysterious ways.

So last night I drove to see Allan and of course I got lost, I always get lost but I was not going home until I found him. They were camped in an RV park about an hour’s drive away. I messaged Allan’s mom when I got there and she said Allan was out looking for me and just then he came flying around the corner on his bike. He shouted when he saw me, threw his bike down and I threw the car into park and jumped out. We hugged for a long time, he was shaking and I said to I him, “You’re shaking,” and he said ,”I am so happy you came, I can’t believe you are here, it is a dream come true.” it was a dream come true and like he said later last night ,it all felt so surreal that it is still sinking in and I am crying now thinking about it.

allan and family

His mom and I have talked on the phone and on Facebook but she came out of the RV and gave me a big hug. His little sister, a real cutie pie gave me a hug. I felt I was with family, like allan 023I belonged there, a distant cousin maybe or auntie? Allan and I got a few hours together, even though there were lots of people around we mainly talked the two of us. I kept marvelling at how tall and handsome he is, 20 years old now, a manchild, still the same tender hearted kid he was when I first met him but  a young man none the less and there I was sitting beside him. We both kept saying how we couldn’t believe we were actually there, able to touch and talk eye to eye. We discussed a little bit about his dad, he had a few questions and I answered best I could but we didn’t dwell on it. Much better things to talk about. We were both happy to see each other doing well. The first thing he asked me was “How are you?” and when I said I was great (why worry him) he sighed and said that was all he wanted to hear.

allan 029

Once I got to know his mom (because of course James’s version of their relationship was totally different than the truth)  I have always thought she is a great person, great mom, beautiful inside and out and I was not disappointed when I met her in person. She has a great boyfriend and blended family who were all there. She looks great and seems happy all the kids came on vacation with them, which says a lot. Another example of a woman who survived a narcissist and went on to love again and have a happy life. I am seeing more and more proof that Yes Dorothy there is life after a narcissist.

wharf

We drove to the wharf in White Rock and the whole family and Stella walked to the end, laughing, hugging, talking, reminiscing, and then we all carved our names in the dock before we left and we said goodbye. More hugs, I hated to leave, I want an invite to their next family reunion. haha

wharf at whiterock

Another thing good that came out of the relationship with James, certainly not because he promoted it, in fact he did everything he could to destroy that too, but he didn’t.  There are some things that a narcissist can’t destroy no matter how hard he tries, as long as we remember that and not let his toxicity into our life

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13 thoughts on “Just When You Get To Your Lowest The Sun/Son Comes Out

  1. I’m really sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you, but it just goes to show how a much difference seeing someone who cares about you can make to how you feel. I do hope things pick up for you soon. I know “Hard places” and they are not fun to be in 😦

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    • Peter, sigh, you know how hard I have tried and I really hate to be a whiner, I have these little pity parties and then I pull myself back up by my boot straps and carry on. I have no other options. It was so good to see Allan, he was a good kid (now he is a man) and his dad never gave him a word of praise, he told horrible lies about him, all the while pretending to be the caring father and putting personal ads on “single parent” dating sites. He used every single thing he could to get the things he wanted. Things have to get better. Thank you for caring!

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  2. Aww Carrie , I’m so sorry times are hard for you at the moment , been there , done that , still wearing the t shirt . I live in the UK & you’re blog inspires me so much .I’m in the same situation , no money & relying on hand outs from welfare or the DWP as we call it here ,. if you’re having a pity party , move over . I’ll bring the drinks . Promise . xx
    Virtual ((( hug )) sent in your direction . I feel for you x

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    • So Sad, I wish we could have a pity party, I bet we would end up having fun! years ago I lived one street over from a girl friend who worked where I did, we were both single mom’s, she had a girl a little older than Kris and we were both buying a cabin at the lake and we were both broke. But we had the best times together, taking what food each of us had and making some really gourmet meals, drinking wine, laughing and crying. I miss her and now when I look back those were some of the best times of my life even though they were at that time the most stressful. Like I have said before, it feels like a total contradiction but I have never been more at peace inside, if only my financial world would come together then I would be content. I don’t have high expectations, only to be able to eat healthy, have a vehicle of any age or description as long as it runs and is safe to drive, and a secure roof over my head. It is what all people should have, especially when they have always been good hard working people.
      I will bring the cheese to go with our whine. ((hugs))

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  3. Carrie I seem so in sync with you many times over. We want to show the happiness after the narc (which is to be had) but when we meet hard times its only natural to think ‘If I hadn’t of met him then I wouldn’t keep getting knocks’. You have come up against so much shit its unreal. I really feel for you and am here whenever you need someone. It is easy talking to someone who as gone through or going through the same thing. I get you. I sound silly asking…is that you in the pictures? blonde hair and tanned….you look fantastic (if it is) and I truly mean it. I am so pleased you got to meet him again, his response choked me up….see what an impact you left on him. You such a kind hearted lady its about time you got a break.

    I am in on the pity party…i am my own worst enemy I swear it. Ever since I last saw him 20 plus months ago I have grown tired. Both mentally and physically. I have no tolerance of people and i have blown with a neighbour over parking. Which lead to my daughter asking whats up with me, to a huge argument to me kicking her out….great job me my relationship with my daughter is going down the pan. I am sick of arguing, though I love her millions I feel guilty now seeing her pack with no where she can afford to go…but I wont back down. How sad is that?. I feel sad on one hand….wishing the ‘curse of him’ would just go. I feel rotted inside….then I get good days where I am so thankful I got through…but do we ever? I know family thought I would be with someone else by now….but I never want to be again. I have to go through the DNA within the next 2 weeks..all been dragging its feet. Then see his next move, but I will fight him not to see my son. So though I don’t drink I will raise a pretend one to you and we can all have that party.
    Your always in my thoughts, I think very highly of you…
    Love fee x

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    • Oh ((((((Fee)))))) you have been on my mind a lot lately. I am sorry you are going through this. I wish we could all sit and have a real pity party, for some reason I have a feeling we would end up laughing and hugging and would feel so much better. I understand the feeling tired and just not wanting to fight any more. Oh yes that is me! the the smiling blond with the tan reaching for stella. Thank you so much, I keep getting told I am looking so much better. my brother even said that today when I saw him. But remember it HAS been 5 years for me this Nov since I left. I have 3 years on you and I looked very old and tired 3 years ago.
      Why can you not back down on the fight with your daughter? I had a few really horrible fights with my son over the last few years, mind you we were not living together and we just left it for a couple of days and then talked and were fine. Mind you I did wait for him to call me, but I had sent an email explaining my position and knew I had to let it go or drive him away.
      I wish we could just chat. Can you not explain to your daughter why you are emotional and stressed? why you got defensive and angry with her? Some times, usually, I have found that when I get that way, and I still do sometimes, I step back and get in touch with what is really bothering me. I am sure that if you could be honest with your daughter, went to her and even if you think it puts you in a bad light she will appreciate your honesty. You don’t want to lose your daughter I know you don’t and she doesn’t want to go but we all get stubborn sometimes and don’t want to be the one to make the first move.
      I have no tolerance for people either, they can say and do really stupid things and some people just need to get a life, if what they are bitching about is their biggest problem they should thank their lucky stars and shut the F up!! Try living in the shoes of anyone of these women who come here and then bitch about whatever they are nattering on about. I told a girlfriend off this weekend because i felt she was insensitive and I don’t feel guilty about it either. I thought about it before I spoke to her and the next day I still felt the same so I said it. I see nothing wrong with saying when someone hurts you or expressing your feelings and especially to your daughter. You don’t have to be a rock with her, she loves you and she cares and it could be a real bonding experience and really what do you have to lose at this point?
      I will share an exchange my son and i had after we had dinner last weekend via text. He said that his friends really liked me and he had a really good time and was glad I came and then he sent a message saying, “And you didn’t embarrass me hahaha” I was immediately hurt. I said, ‘Have I ever embarrassed you Kris?” He said , “Well yeah that’s why I get nervous.” The last thing i want to ever do is embarrass my son and i was not sure in what context he meant it. I didn’t know he got nervous when i was meeting his friends. So I thought about it all day the next day and finally that night I messaged him and said, “Kris I am sorry if I have ever embarrassed you. The last thing I want to do is ever have you be embarrassed i am your mom”Oh mom don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal. I love you for who you are momma.”
      and then I remembered why he gets embarrassed, sometimes I will get going on things he did as a kid or a teen that embarrass him in front of his friends and I was very aware to not do that this time. i don’t know what comes over me. I love talking about my kid and I think the stories are cute and he is mortified! i know that and this last visit I didn’t do that, I even caught myself a couple of times and shut up. So I know what he meant and I understand why he feels the way he does. it is not the same thing as what you are going through but kinda the same. there are hurt feelings, probably you are at fault a little bit and her a little bit but the really important thing is that you both love each other and you need each other.
      i saw it with Allan and his mom last night. They have had big fights, but they love each other and it shows and they both know that. I always feel sick when Kris and i fight but I am getting more used to the fact that we can have a fight and it doesn’t mean we are going to stop loving each other. and the only way to deal with a situation when you don’t know how to deal with it, is to just be honest.
      Thank you Fee, I think the world of you and you are a great mother and you have every right to be stressed and short tempered. Be kind to yourself! I love you and think you are an awesome person and beautiful inside and out!.
      Big hugs to you my friend let me know how it goes.

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  4. Isn’t it nice when you can smile about the narc not being able to destroy something so special despite how hard they try. Its as though there is a silent agreement to strengthen the relationships inspite of the narc. I think about what they have tried with me & mentally flip the bird to the narcs as I sit with my friends enjoying our time together

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    • Wotzina, you are so right, “Its as though there is a silent agreement to strengthen the relationships inspite of the narc.” that is exactly how I feel. And proof of it came the other day.
      I am not on FB that much, mostly my post here get posted there and that is it. Once a week or so I go in and “like” a bunch of people’s posts just to show I am alive and interested. Allan’s mom had posted a pic of Yogi Bear taken while they were on vacation and James commented “where is boo boo/’ and she replied “who needs boo boo, Carrie came to visit today and she is awesome!”
      I could just envision him fuming and he replied. “She can be” and then he said, “I didn’t even know you were out this way until i saw this. i was in that town that same day.”
      She said, ‘We were there 2 days and had a really good time.”
      There was no response from him.
      I replied that the feeling was mutual and that it had been so good to see Allan again ti finally meet her and the whole family.
      i will probably pay for that, because it will piss him right off but there is this part of my that silently gloats. “she can be” what a fool he is; how can someone so evil and psycho as he makes me out to be also be awesome?

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  5. carrie i know what a hard time with money is the benefit system a difficult one to figure out i dont understand what im supposed to get at first i had different payment then it stopped the paperwork for tax is immpossible to work out i just get whatever they give i feel too ill to question it is a difficult one i hope it gets resolved for you i would gladly donate if i had anything i still rely on him to pay bills wish i didnt if he stops dont know how i will survive i know how it is a constant worry and the moving all the time thing i understand too its insecure but im so glad you met with these lovely people there are joys in the middle which makes it worthwhile its hard to make a new life everytime you move that feeling is horrible but we doim almost scared to feel too settled this must be how travellers feel although they seem to take it in their stride it looks lovely in the photos im glad you had such a lovely time dont ever give up carrie you are too precious i wish you so much luck xxx

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    • Kim, I am not going to give up; God keeps reminding me that life is ever changing and i am hooked on finding out how this all ends. Some times I feel like I am reading a really good book, I want to skip to the end to see how it ends but I don’t want to ruin the surprise ending and I don’t want the story to end so I keep reading chapter by chapter.
      Thank you for your kind words. Big hugs to you

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  6. just wanted to comment fee hold on to your daughter no matter how tough it gets they are going through it too thats why we argue its hard the mess they leave us in i know how youre feeling i wish you luck xxx

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  7. I am so happy that you found a happy moment to hold onto. I wish that I could always remember that just when I am at my worse, something brings the sunshine down on my head. I flop back and forth between despair and joy. Last not was pain and today joy. I passed two of my college entrance exams today. I have two more tomorrow. I know I will pass one and if I manage to flunk the other one, I will just retake it on Monday for 20.00. I dont have 20,00 but I will find it somewhere. I pray that oneday soon, I will get off the never ending roller coaster ride. I wish I had someone to hold my hand or hug me. Someone to hold me would be a dream. But the one thing I am sure of is that I will never let myself down. Stupid cats have food and I am living out of the cabinets. Each day I manage to move forward one tiny mm at a time. Love friends and smiles make it so much better.

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    • Brookn Hart, sorry for the slow reply. I have internet back!! yeah!! Like i was just saying to Kim above; I view life like it is a novel that i can’t put down, with it’s twists and turns, I can’t wait to see what the next chapter brings. Congrats on passing two of your exams!! that is awesome!! I am sure you will pass the other ones. let us know how you do!!
      Even with everything going on in your life you still passed; that says so much about how strong you are and how much determination you have. I hope you are very proud of yourself!!
      Hugs

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