Ok lets just lay this all out there for those of you who think you should be a lot more healed than you are; for those “friends” who keep telling you to “just forget it” “move on” or you don’t know how to grieve and heal (who do these people think they are, telling you how to heal and that you aren’t doing it right? do they even think before they engage their mouths? What have they dealt with lately? Like the saying goes “Walk a mile in a man’s shoes……….”
I found the scale that the professionals use to calculate a person’s stress level. The more of these items on your list of things that have happened in the last year; the more stressed you are going to be. What does stress do to a person? It can make them;
– irritable easily angered over seemingly insignificant issues
– emotional – crying over seemingly insignificant issues
– cause eating disorders – either eating too much or not enough
– cause sleep disorders – either sleeping too much or not enough
– substance abuse
– health issues such as heart disease, fibromyalgia, and much more
– Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which consists of some or all of the above symptoms and more
The Stress Scale
To score your stress levels, simply select Yes or No for each of the events in the Statements column that have happened to you in the last year. I am using it to demonstrate the things that cause stress in a person’s life. If you want to take the test you can find it here. I am only giving you the top 10 stressful events, there are over 40 in total. Notice “being in an abusive relationship” is not even on the scale; but I am sure that it would be at the very top of the list.
Consider too when you go down the list that most times with a narcissist there is continuous infidelity, many breakups and reconciliations, you are constantly walking on eggshells, you are living a lie and hiding the truth from family and friends, you are ashamed of the situation you are in, and you constantly have someone finding fault with you. Here is the list, how many things can you tick off?
- Death of a spouse
- Relationship breakup or separation
- Illness or injury
- Losing a job – getting fired
- Reconciliation of a marriage
Now tell me again that you should be further along in your recovery, I know when I was with James there were some years where I moved, we separated, we lost our home, we lost a family member, I lost my job (due to James sabotaging me, doubly stressful), we reconciled, broke up again, I caught him cheating, got a job, lost a job, we were homeless, ….. all in one year. You pile 10 or more years like that on top of each other and you are off the charts with stressful events. They haven’t made a scale for people who have left an abusive relationship. It is a miracle you are walking and talking and not locked in a padded room somewhere banging your head against the wall. The fact that you are getting up, getting dressed, taking care of children, trying to find work, and manage to keep it together at all is a statement to how strong you are. So tell those armchair psychologists to stick their advice where the sun don’t shine because you don’t need to be told you can’t even grieve right or should not be grieving. Tell them that they are welcome to come back and give you advice once they have lived a couple of years in your shoes, until then; they can keep their “concern and advice” to themselves.
People who tell you stuff “for your own good” and only “because they care” when they have never experienced anything even close to what you are going through, are not being a good friend they are being critical, holier than thou, superior, and like to make you feel bad about yourself. IF they were really concerned they would be one of the handful of friends who come to this site trying to get information in order to understand and help their friend. THAT is a true friend. Someone willing to put in the effort to learn so they can truly help and not do more damage.
If someone doesn’t want to do the research to find out how to help you they don’t really want to help. They think they should help, they want to look like they care, but they really don’t want to have put themselves out to do it. “So get on with life already, because I don’t have time to be a true friend and you are making me look like a bad friend.” “In order to avoid looking like a bad friend I will blame you for not healing fast enough and maybe that will force you to put a damn smile on your face and stop making me feel inadequate as a friend”.